“Aydan, your lover has spunk!” he yells into the hall. “I like that,” he whispers at me.
I ignore his words and hold my blade steady against him.
“You can’t beat me. Didn’t Mikayel teach you that?” Azza steps forward, pushing his sword against mine.
“Care to bet your life on that?” I counter his attack, matching each blow. My blade pierces his shoulder.
Azza groans. “You’ll pay for that, little warrior,” he spits. He unleashes a torrent of blows, each one powerful enough to knock me from the room.
I strengthen my stance. Block and counter, slowly regaining my ground. Until something hits me from behind.
“You?” I ask as Aydan hits my back a second time.
Him, I can beat.
“Aw, how sweet. The lovers are reunited,” Azza taunts as I round on Aydan, careful to keep them both in my sight.
Zane approaches Aydan from behind, dagger drawn.
“You don’t want to do that, Mediator.”
“Oh, I do. I really do.” Zane strikes as Aydan spins out of the way.
Fast. Despite his injuries.
Impressive.
Azza takes a step back and I confront him, my sword level with his heart. “Time for you to leave.”
“As you wish, Sentinal.” Azza’s body fades into smoke.
I jab at the fading image, slicing nothing but air. “No!” I scream as the last of Azza’s image disappears.
I spin to face Aydan, my heart full of rage. A growl escapes my mouth as words dance through my thoughts. Accusations of murder. Confessions of love. Everything I cannot bring myself to say out loud.
His eyes reflect the torment I feel. It consumes me as I again feel like we are sharing a similar thought.
A similar wish.
Everything whirls to a halt as the scene moves forward in slow-motion, one frame at a time.
Aydan releases his dagger and drops to his knees…“I’m so sorry.”
Zane tries to attack as Cass pulls him away…“Kill him, Nesy. Now.”
Lori stares into my eyes, shaking her head slightly…“He loves you. Still”
The scene is too much. It overloads my senses, my resolve. I close my eyes and breathe.
1…
2…
3…
My mind clears.
“End this, Nesayiel. Now.” Zane’s angry voice booms in my ears.
I grip the hilt of my sword with both hands. Standing over Aydan, I prepare myself to finish this at last.
My gaze locks with his. He was everything to me once.
Aydan’s tear-filled eyes mirror my torment. Every second that passes cracks the foundation of my world, shattering me to pieces.
“It’s okay, Nesy. Do it,” he whispers. I watch him close his eyes and dig his nails into his palm.
I tighten my grip and raise my sword. “I’m sorry,” I mouth, ignoring the tears that fill my eyes. In one bold stroke, I thrust the blade forward.
It sails from my hands, landing with a crash on the floor.
Aydan opens his eyes, confused.
“Go,” I whisper. “Get out of here.”
He reaches for my hands.
“Go now!” I yell as I collapse to the ground. Aydan falls into his host and runs from the room.
“Nesayiel, what are you doing?” Zane yells.
Cass holds him back. “No, Zane. Stay out of it.”
“The heck I will,” he says as he wrenches himself free, retrieves my sword and runs after the UnHoly.
What have I done?
My mind implodes under the weight of my choices. My failures. The Council will cast me out for this.
“He wasn’t to blame, Nesy,” Lori says. She edges herself onto her elbows.
“What?” I ask, still surprised that she can see me.
“Aydan. He wasn’t to blame for the angels’ deaths. He tried to resist. Tried to refuse. But no one can resist Azza for too long.”
My lungs stop working as piece after piece of my world shatters with the mention of Aydan’s name.
“He loves you,” Lori says. “Just like in Germany. He would do anything for you.”
I stare at my sister, unable to process her words.
Love? Was it even possible between us anymore?
Zane storms back into the room, yanking me from my thoughts. “He got away,” he snarls. “And it’s your fault.”
He’s right. It is my fault.
“Zane, stop. You don’t understand.” Cass lays a hand on his shoulder, exuding a calm that only the Anointed can muster.
“I understand that he almost killed Lori,” Zane says, casting aside Cass’s attempts to console him. “He killed a Guardian, Nesayiel. Your brethren. How can you let that pass?”
The room grows thick with my silence.
“You are sworn to protect humanity and serve Mikayel. Do your duty. Go after him and end this. Now.”
“Zane!” Cassiel barks.
So much for calm.
“No, Cassiel. You’re too easy on everyone. Compromised or not, she has to do this. Now!”
“Zanethios! No!” Cassiel pushes into the room, trying to force a calm that won’t come.
Zane exhales a deep sigh. “Nesy, if you can’t do this, Mikayel will have no choice. You will die, Nesy. Is that what you want?” Concern and anger press through his words.
There’s nothing I can say to answer him. Part of me does want to die.
“Do this now, or I will get the Council to send people who can. Last chance.” Zane’s disgust fills the empty spaces in my heart, shredding it further.
“Enough!” I yell. My voice feels as though it’s coming from someone else. Someplace else.
I struggle against the tide surging inside. Sentinals don’t feel. Sentinals don’t show emotion. Not ever. I repeat the words over and over, letting them caress me. Calm my thoughts. Remind me of my duty.
I can do this. I have to.
For Mikayel and all he’s sacrificed for me.
For my sister and her faith.
For my friends.
For me.
Within moments, my pulse slows and I can think again. I inhale my pain. Drink the love I still harbor for the UnHoly. And shove it all aside, becoming the Sentinal again.
No room for emotions.
No place for love.
Yeah, who am I kidding?
“I have two more days to finish this,” I say through gritted teeth. “I’ll get it done.” I sheath my sword and fight to hold myself together.
“You should have done it already.”
“Zane, she can’t.” Cass looks from Zane to me.
Don’t say it. Don’t.
“She’s still in love with him.”
Blazes!
“What?” Zane asks as he glares at me.
I turn away, unable to speak.
“Is it true? Do you love that…that…UnHoly?” His voice cracks on the words.
I want to say yes, tell him everything.
My confusion…
The poisoned love…
All of it.
“I’ll take care of it. Of him,” is all I manage to say.
“Do it now, or I’ll be the one to tell Mikayel everything.”
“Zane, don’t you see what this is doing to her?”
“And don’t you see that our first duty is to humanity and the Council?”
“Look, I know what I’m doing,” I say, clinging to my role as a Sentinal and all that it means. “I’m not about to die for a love that doesn’t exist anymore. I’ll take care of this. I will. Before Mikayel’s deadline.”
“You’d better.”
I push past Zane, retrieve my host and go in search of Aydan.
The only being I’ll ever love.
The one I must kill.
Chapter 25 – Tortured Shame
Nesy
I head for the subway station, desperate to outrun the feelings threatening to overturn everything I’ve stru
ggled to become.
Guilt.
Shame.
Anger.
Longing for the Beast that holds my heart. Still.
The station is empty with the exception of three guys tagging the tunnel. They stare at me with hunger in their eyes.
Bad idea.
“Hey baby, whatcha doing out so late?” The leader of the group walks over.
Really, really bad idea.
Rage sears through me, burning my skin. I want an outlet for my anger and shame. And this guy fits that need perfectly.
Not within the rules.
But I haven’t exactly been into following rules of late.
The leader stands next to me, too close. He wears a serpent tattoo on his arm that peeks out from his torn t-shirt. “I said, what are you doing out so late?”
“None of your business,” I say as I face him. I tap my heeled boots in annoyance, begging him to mess with me.
“We’d like to make it our business.” A second guy walks over. The scent of his foul odor invades my senses.
Now I really want to fight.
I feel the corners of my mouth pull into a smile as I glance at the boy behind me. His dark eyes match his dark skin. Trouble.
“I’m only going to say this once,” I say to tattoo guy. “Leave me alone.”
“Or what?” he asks.
Thought you’d never ask.
“This,” I reply, swinging my arm back and grabbing the guy behind me. I pull him over my head and drop him to the concrete with a loud thud. His eyes roll to the back of his skull and he groans.
That felt good. Too good.
Tattoo guy steps back, afraid.
Not so fast. Thought you wanted to play.
I swing out my leg, tripping him as he continues to step back. He lands close to his friend and I stick the spiked heel of my boot into the fleshy part of his neck. Someone steps behind me. In a flash, I pull my dagger and aim it at the guy approaching. He stops moments before colliding with my knife.
“Like I said, leave me alone.” I dig my heel into tattoo guy’s neck just enough to break the skin. A small trickle of blood leaks from the cut. “Understand me?”
Tattoo guy nods feebly.
“Good.” I release him, straighten out my clothes and board the newly arrived train. The disgruntled crew remains on the platform as the train lurches forward.
I grab the railings and slip into a seat, drunk on adrenaline.
I shouldn’t have enjoyed that so much. Shouldn’t have enjoyed it at all. Guilt adds to the mix of emotions as the train rocks forward. The motion lulls me into a stupor, blurring my thoughts.
Each moment that passes loosens my defenses, tearing pieces of my warrior’s façade away. Until the mask falls away completely. And my world crashes in on itself.
Pictures stream around me. Through me.
Mikayel’s sword slicing into Aydan…pain radiates through me.
Aydan’s body exploding into flame…my skin sears.
The look in his eyes as he screams my name…my heart shatters into a million pieces.
My human body trembles. My lungs refuse to work. The train continues uptown, the wheels screeching on the tracks. My nerves grating.
Death and love twine together, binding permanently to my soul. My stomach seizes violently and for a moment I know I must be dying as well.
“Get a grip, Nesayiel. You’re better than this.” I repeat the words over and over, battling against my feelings for Aydan.
Nothing works. My emotions rage out of control. My thoughts loop. And I remain lost in a labyrinth of torment.
The train grinds to a stop and I rise, forever trapped in my own hell. My body moves of its own will, dragging me out of the train and up the stairs. A blast of cold air bites into my skin as I walk.
Something pulls me forward, forcing every step my legs take. I have nothing left to fight against it, no way to resist.
Dark creatures nudge out of the alleys I pass. I feel them pour into step behind me. Some take the form of large insects, snapping the spaces around me. Others are more like snakes, hissing taunts in my ears. And still others resemble birds, their sharp beaks and taloned claws brushing against my skin.
Like vultures, they’ve all come to feed off the dead.
I push forward, ignoring Azza’s creatures careening around me. Ignoring their foul stench.
Ignoring…
Everything.
A demon steps in front of me – tall, human-looking save its sallow skin that’s stretched too tight over the bone. A Jinn. It claws my arm and shreds my skin.
I keep walking.
The Jinn clicks its beak and raises another taloned hand. It gashes open a fresh wound as more dark creatures spill into the street. They crowd around me, halting my movement.
My skin sizzles as they lick my wounds and feed off my anguish.
Fight back, Nesy! Fight back. I yell through the ruins of my mind, desperate to regain myself.
It’s too late.
The creatures continue to press in, absorbing my agony. Drinking each dark emotion, leaving me empty.
Sentinal! Wake up! Remember who you are! Aydan’s voice floods my senses.
My lungs remember how to breathe as his words continue. My focus begins to sharpen and I wake from my nightmare.
Please, Nesy. For me. Fight back!
The voice seems to come from outside of my head. I turn to face it as razor-sharp pain tears through me and the taloned demon carves into my chest.
Chapter 26 – Dark Passions
Nesy
Aydan’s words continue, filling the empty spaces in my heart, my mind, my soul. Instinct replaces torment as centuries of training take over. I whip out my sword, swinging it in a large arc over my head. The blow lands on the Jinn, severing its clawed hand.
“No more!” I scream as the mob scatters, confused by my sudden strength.
Hacking and slashing the space around me, I clear a large circle. “Divina virtute in infernum detrude daemones,” I yell, condemning the dark creatures to oblivion.
With each word, the ground beneath me rattles. A massive hole opens, claiming the demons. Those that escape my sword retreat to the safety of darkness. Until, finally, I am alone.
I focus my thoughts and look around. For the first time since leaving the hospital, I’m aware of my surroundings. A large cathedral stands before me, built from massive stone bricks. Several gothic spires cut into the fog that descends in the early morning hours. The facade of the church is adorned with stone carvings. Images of the angels—Mediators, Anointed, Guardians and Sentinals.
My brethren.
I’ve come home, more or less.
For a second time, I’m compelled to walk, clueless about my destination. I cross the left side of the cathedral until I come to a courtyard sitting between the cross sections of the building. I open the small iron fence protecting the cloister, straining to see in the navy darkness. A large bronze sculpture adorns the center of the garden, an image of Mikayel as he triumphs over the Dark One.
Over Azzaziel.
I stare at the statue, so perfect in its details—the Sword of Truth grasped firmly in Mikayel’s hands, the strong muscles of his shoulders as he battles, and the broad expanse of his wings. Carved images of the planets, scientists and animals wrap themselves around the base of the angel. A perfect union of Celestium and humanity.
And a reminder.
My oath to the Council pounds through my thoughts. My obligation to protect. My role in the forever battle against evil. My duty to resist temptation. Resist the Dark One.
And my job to vanquish Aydan.
A pang of deep longing ripples through me. I’m torn between my promise to send Aydan to the Abyss and my need to keep him safe. The opposing forces fragment what remains of my mind, breaking me down once again.
I close my eyes and center my thoughts. Let go of him. Let go of that life. I picture my life as a Sentinal—the training, the commitment
to live a life detached, the oath to serve. It’s everything I am. Everything I’ve wanted.
Until now.
Now there’s Aydan.
Black, spiked hair. Smooth, pale skin. His image floods my thoughts, looking exactly the way he did that first night. Same black jeans, same leather jacket.
I draw a ragged breath and let the fantasy unfold. The musky pine scent of his skin. The feel of him next to me. The sound of his voice as it resonates through me.
In the recesses of my thoughts, Aydan wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close. His other arm drapes across my chest and in my dream, I am forever safe.
His heart beats too fast against my back, mirroring my own. His hot breath caresses my neck, igniting waves of desire I shouldn’t have. I give myself to the dream, melting into him as he presses his lips against my neck.
My body trembles. “Stop it, Nes,” I whisper to myself. “This isn’t real.”
Lacrimosa (Requiem Series) Page 12