The feel of his touch on my skin.
The sound of his voice in my ears.
And the look of love in his eyes.
My body folds in on itself as everything turns black.
Aydan’s voice fades from my mind.
And my thoughts…
End.
Chapter 46 - Divinity
Aydan
“Nesy!” I scream, pushing away from Mikayel. The Akedah knife lies at my feet. I hurl it at my master, cursing him. The knife whirls through the air, lodging in his neck.
Azza howls in agony and pulls out the blade.
Nesy slinks to the ground, silver blood pouring from her mouth, her chest. It soaks through her armor. Coming. Coming. Coming.
Rage explodes the brand on my neck. You’ll pay for this, Azza.
You’ll pay for everything.
I barrel into Azza, thrusting my sword into the open wound on his chest. He growls and tosses me aside.
Not this time.
A snarl rips across my lips. The marks blaze against my skin. I hunger for Azza. For his death.
It’s a hunger I’m more than willing to feed.
I push back into him, clawing his skin with my taloned fingers. Feeding off his rage.
Azza wraps his hands around my throat and squeezes.
“I’m too strong for you now. You should’ve killed me before you marked me as your equal.” I’m blind with fury for the Beast that is Azza. The Beast I’ve become.
I wrench myself free from Azza’s grasp and rip open his skin.
Mikayel’s strong hand stops me from shredding Azza. I wrestle against his hold, desperate to do what I should’ve done so long ago.
A shadow coils around Azza. I reach for him as he begins to fade.
“No,” Mikayel says. “Tend to Nesy. She needs you. Get her to Celestium before it’s too late. Get her to the healers, to Raphael.” Mikayel chokes on the last words, his battle worn features marred by a lone tear slithering down his face.
Nesy.
I look at the tattered body of my love.
Nesy. Not you. Never you.
It was supposed to be me.
Me.
Tears overwhelm me as my rage gives way to sorrow.
“I’ll go after Azza. You help Nesy.” Mikayel places a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Take her home.” He disappears after Azza, fading into the darkness as a scream echoes in the fog.
Kill him Mikayel. Kill him for me.
For Nesy.
I bend down and cradle her broken body. Her eyes flutter open for a moment. “Aydan,” she rattles.
“Sshh, love. Don’t try to speak.” I can’t stop the tears, the pain, the rage.
“Did I stop him? Before the last mark—did I stop him?”
“Yes, you did great.”
Nesy’s eyes roll back in her head.
I hold her, knowing she won’t survive. Fighting my need to end her life, still. I strain against the Beast and carry her to a portal.
Cass and Zane run to me, their bodies and faces bruised. Battered. By me. Grief blankets their expressions as they look from Nesy to me. I shake my head and feel our hearts shatter.
For Nesy.
“We’ll take you to Celestium.” Cass takes my arm. “To the healers.”
Nesy groans with every step.
“I’m sorry if this hurts, love.” I can barely speak. “I have to get you home. I promised Mikayel.”
Her eyes snap open. “Aydan,” she forces through gritted teeth.
“Shhh, it’s okay.” Zane caresses her forehead, calming her.
“Aydan. Listen to me,” Nesy whispers. “I need you to remember who you are, okay? In case I don’t make it.” Her face shows the agony she feels.
The agony calling me to feed.
“You are an angel, Aydan. My angel. Not some monster for Azzaziel. Remember.” Her voice fades. Her eyes close. “Tell Mikayel. You are still an ang—” She stops and her head rolls to the side.
My world rains down on me as my knees begin to shake.
Her beauty
—gone.
Her love
—taken.
Her life
—over.
“Stay with me, Nesy. We’re almost home, baby. Please, stay with me.” The words shake as my voice cracks.
I can’t stand.
Can’t breathe.
Zane takes my arms, bearing some of the load I carry.
“We have to go. Close the portal,” I manage to choke out. “Now!”
The spaces close in around us, Nesy’s limp body in my arms.
Chapter 47 - Oblivion
Aydan
The Council chamber is different than I remember. Smaller and less foreboding. I pace, too anxious to do anything else.
Please be okay. Please be okay.
Anxiety seeps through me as I wait for news on Nesy.
Images of Azza’s dagger slicing into her replay in my mind. I lean against the wall, unable to stop the ocean of grief pounding into me. Pieces of my soul shatter around me as I slide down the wall. Agony fills the darkest recesses. I can’t breathe, drowning in the weight of my pain.
Nothing matters without her.
Nothing.
I pull my legs to my chest, burying my head in my hands. I should push away these feelings, be strong.
But I don’t want to.
I deserve every moment of this torment. Every ounce of agony.
Moments pass, or maybe hours, until the storm finally ebbs. I draw a ragged breath and open my eyes. The sun casts ominous shadows across the large hall.
My mind wanders, flipping through the last few days.
Azza caused this. All of it.
Azza and me.
The marks on my neck burn as my wings—so different from what they once were—shift and twitch. I stare at the black skin stretched over bone, reminders of what I truly am.
You’re an angel, Aydan. You’re my angel....
Nesy’s words chastise my vengeance. Revenge got me into this mess.
Revenge caused her death.
—is she really dead?
I have to find a way to control my fury.
For her.
The Council doors open. Gabriel walks into the large chamber, his robes casting emerald beams into the shadows.
“Where’s Mikayel?” Tell me he’s killed Azza. Please.
“He has not returned from the battlefield. Raphael is with Nesy.”
My heart stops for a moment. Is she okay? Is there a chance?
Compassion sweeps across Gabriel’s face. “We do not yet know her fate. The wounds appear fatal. Raphael is trying everything he can. There may still be hope.”
“If there’s anything I can do.” My voice fades. “I will gladly give my soul for hers. Anything.”
“I know.” Gabriel places his hand on my shoulder. My grief abates in an instant.
But not my shame.
Never my shame.
My brand ignites, reminding me of what I am now; what I will always be.
“What is it?” Gabriel asks.
“I won’t become like Azza.”
“You have shown compassion, mercy. Those are not the traits of the Beast.”
“Yes, but if I stay here, the marks will change me. And if I go to the eternal flames of the Abyss, I will still be a monster. Azza will come looking for me and finish what he has started.”
“What are you asking of me?”
“I—” The sound dies on my tongue. I inhale my fear and ignore the rage seething inside. “I need you to kill me. I need Mikayel to use his sword and end this. Permanently.”
“And if Nesy were to survive, is that still what you would want?” Gabriel stares through me, waiting.
My heart and mind open up to him. My torment continues to slam against my soul, a sharp contrast to the peace Gabriel offers.
But there can be no peace for me. No peace for the Beast.
“I won’t be like Azza
. And if I live, I can be nothing else.” My mind is set.
There is no other choice for me. Not now.
Gabriel nods. Silent.
A moment passes. And another. Finally Gabriel looks at me. “The Council will consider your request. Wait for us in the antechamber. This is not something I am willing to decide without the others.”
They have to agree. One way or another I’m ending my life.
The antechamber is small, adorned with nothing more than a few oversized chairs and small tables. The walls are decorated with reliefs of the Council members. I stare at the picture of Mikayel.
Where are you?
The brand on my neck smolders, an eternal reminder of what I am. Each moment that clicks by increases my rage—my lust for revenge. My need for death.
Each moment brings me closer to the Beast.
I focus on Nesy. She loved me, believed in me. She saved me once.
Will you save me again? Can you?
My thoughts fade and fill with hatred, stoking a rage impossible to contain. I can’t live like this. I sit back on the large chair, closing my eyes. Sleep comes quickly. As do the dreams…
“Aydan. Where are you?” Nesy’s voice calls through the thick forest.
Lost in the maze of trees and shrubs, I follow her voice, unable to catch it. I break into a clearing.
Azza stands before me, Nesy’s sword in his hands. “Time for your final mark.” He swoops down and grabs my neck. “I will take her from you forever. Force you to feed off her soul.” Azza takes the sword and carves into my skin.
Screams fill the small chamber as I bolt upright. Sweat beads down my brow. Zane and Cass stand before me, their faces ashen.
“It was just a dream,” Cass says. “A nightmare.”
“Azza.” I shake away the dream, pushing aside the constant urgings of the brand. “How’s Nesy?”
Cass avoids my glance. I look to Zane. The pain in his eyes answers my question. “Is she—?” I can’t say the words.
“Raphael has done everything he can. She’s gone.”
My heart slams my ribs and stops. The marks on my neck explode, aching to be satiated.
Everything I was
—gone.
Everything I loved
—taken.
“I’m so sorry,” Zane says. His voice is gentle, so much like Gabriel’s. “There was nothing you could’ve done.”
“There are so many other choices I could have made. So many.” My thoughts simmer with anger.
And vengeance.
Again Nesy's words filter into my mind, pushing back the Beast.
For now.
Gabriel walks into the antechamber, solemn. “We are ready for you, Aydan.”
“What’s he talking about? Ready for what?” Cass looks from Zane to Aydan. “Zane?”
“You asked them to kill you, didn't you?” Zane’s gaze penetrates my mind.
I turn and walk away, praying for my miracle.
Sariel and Raphael are locked in tight conversation, tears in their eyes. I meet Raphael’s gaze. He nods at me and looks away. Mikayel’s face is battle worn, his clothes covered in the blood of the UnHoly.
Have you finished this? Is Azza gone now?
I watch as Mikayel clenches his jaw. His rage matches my own. Gabriel motions for me to sit.
I wave him off. I want answers. Need them. “What did you decide?” I ask.
“I think it is time for you to go with Mikayel.” A sad smile touches Gabriel’s lips.
Finally, and end to this nightmare. “Thank you,” I say, nodding to the Council members.
“Thank you, Aydan, for returning Nesayiel to her home. And for your sacrifices.” Mikayel's voice cracks. “You have taught us a lot about the nature of redemption. And love.”
“You have Nesy to thank for that.” I drop my head, drinking in the torment that will not subside.
Never subside.
Mikayel and I leave through the antechamber. I look at Cass and Zane, mouthing a silent goodbye.
At last.
Chapter 48 – Chosen
Aydan
Puget Sound, Washington, January
I climb the short trail behind my apartment, eager to reach the summit and outrun my dreams. My nightmares.
They’re always the same. A shapeless girl. An endless fight. Hideous creatures. Angels.
And demons.
The nightmares torment me every night, as they have for the three months since leaving Celestium. My mind drifts to my last days in that place. I should have died. I wanted to die.
I still do…
Mikayel walks with me to the Sentinals’ chamber
“Did you kill Azza? Is he gone?”
“No.” The sadness in Mikayel’s voice is overwhelming.
“And will you kill me now?”
“I cannot.”
“You must,” I beg. “It’s the only way. I won’t be able to hold back the monster I am. Not for long. Not without Nesy.”
“You aren’t a monster.”
“You know I am.”
The memory clears as I reach the top of the hill. The fog rolls off the Sound. Snow blankets the ground around me. I watch the light waves caress the water. Whales crest the surface.
Why are they here?
The frigid January wind rips through the trees and my cells. I pull my jacket close around me and tighten my scarf. Drawing a deep breath, I look across the Sound. Everything is so different here. Green and open. Nothing like the tangled mass of buildings I called home for so long. The air smells of pine, reminding of things I long to forget.
Germany.
Her.
I’ve tried to detach, forget. But she won’t let me. She visits my dreams and hides in the shadows of every waking moment. Even now, on the crest behind my home, I hear her voice on the wind.
I release another breath and hike back down the hill. My body, this experience, are foreign. I sense nothing but my own skin. Hear nothing but my own thoughts. I feel none of the connection I’ve shared with the dark creatures. No thoughts of rage or lust.
No visions of angels.
No ravenous hunger.
Nothing.
The change leaves an empty hole inside that cannot be filled. I feel alone, abandoned. I walk back into the large apartment and stare at the leather journal waiting for me on the table. The soft brown binding and crisp blank pages call to me, unleashing even more memories.
I can’t quiet the noise of my own thoughts.
Or my feelings…
“You may find being human far worse than being the Beast you fear.” Gabriel probes my mind again.
“I doubt that.”
“Tell me, are you upset with your judgment? Your sentence?”
“No,” I answer. “Just confused. Why can’t Mikayel just kill me? Why would you want to make me mortal?”
“We will not kill any creature capable of mercy. Compassion.”
“But—”
“And we cannot let you live in our world. Or in the Abyss. If you are with us, Azzaziel will surely find you. He will awaken the Beast and eventually it will consume you. Being mortal seems the best alternative in this situation.”
“What if I can’t resist the marks?”
“Resisting that part of your nature will take all of your strength, yes. But it is not impossible.”
I stare at my feet. Still confused. Still afraid.
“Don’t fear who you are, Aydan. Those marks on your neck do not have to define you. You have a lifetime to master your nature. Just remember your true essence.”
“And what is that, sir?”
“You must discover that as well.”
“And if I can’t, what then? If the marks consume me, how am I to resist?”
“I brought this for you. It may help” Gabriel hands a small leather book to me.
“What’s it for?”
“Your thoughts. Fears. Anything. Many humans find it a helpful way to remember.”
“Their nature. I will see you at the end of that life, when you again face the Council and await your judgment.” Gabriel walks away.
“If I return,” I whisper, the weight of the book heavy in my hands.
I stroke the leather binding and place it back on the table unopened. Always unopened.
Chapter 49 - Rebirth
Aydan
The new semester starts and I must resume a normal life. Go to class, meet people. An unfamiliar fear rattles through me. I drown under the loneliness that now defines me. I walk up the steps of my new school, anxiety an ever-present part of my new body. Stealing a glance at my reflection in the glass door, I see myself. Just as tall, just as lean, with skin the color of tea. My hair naturally dark, curling at the ends. My eyes look inhuman—black orbs colored with streaks of amber.
Lacrimosa (Requiem Series) Page 22