My Heart Lies in Pisciotta

by Cate Nielson Raye

  He stood silently, as I regained my control. The class were all staring at the drama that had occurred outside their class. I turned my back on them and left at a jog in the opposite direction to my father. Sam didn’t follow. I went home and pulled out my laptop to open the email programme. I found the email I had written to my father in Pisciotta but had not sent. It had been sitting in my drafts for two months. I opened it and added my father’s email handle to the address bar. He needed to know how his behaviour had affected my life up until the point I had left. I clicked, “Send,” knowing I may never speak to my father again.

  * * *

  The day after the big showdown with my father I called Nonna to tell her what had happened. She insisted on speaking with him and to, in her words, force him to stop being so ridiculous. I begged her not to call him and told her about my email. After getting off the phone with her I called Abby. I needed a friend to moan to and be my shoulder to cry on. “But at least you’re getting on better with Sam now. Hopefully, things won’t be so miserable in class now the two of you are back on speaking terms. Your knight in shining armour.” I rolled my eyes and laughed at her. “Firstly he’s no knight of mine! Secondly, we aren’t really talking, we are just accepting of each other’s company.”

  I thought back to our last conversation and wondered what he was going to say before Charlie walked in. “Wow, how romantic,” Abby said sarcastically. “What about that Charlie guy, any news on him?” Charlie had called and texted me after the confrontation with my father to see if I was ok. I gave him a brief backstory about my relationship with my father but nothing more and he seemed to understand I didn’t want my family problems to be public knowledge. I’d also accepted his invitation to go to the ball. My father’s appearance only cemented in me a need to make York my home, and that involved building myself a social life and a circle of friends.

  “I’m going to the Freshers Ball at the end of the month with him.” Abby gasped down the phone and squeaked in excitement, “A ball! How fancy! So are you dating him now?” I was still unsure about the ball but, being on better terms with Sam, I thought it might be ok to attend. “I’ve told him I’m not ready to be in a relationship.” She tutted at me, “Oh Ana, you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone to have a bit of fun. If you know what I mean.” I knew exactly what she meant but I could never imagine sleeping with Charlie. He always felt more like my younger brother, although I was sure that wasn’t what he was going for.

  I ignored her comment, I wasn’t willing to have another Tom situation on my hands. “Well the ball is in less than two weeks and I haven’t bought a dress yet. I’ve been so absorbed in all this drama that I haven’t really had time for myself lately.” Just when I had thought I was getting the ball rolling on my life again my father had shown up and thrown a wrench in the works. “It sounds to me like you need some girl therapy. I’ll come up this weekend, we’ll go out and find you a dress then I’m taking you out on the piss so that you can finally have a good time.” I thanked her profusely and promised not to be my mopey self while she was visiting. “Hmm,” she said, “and if you happen to hook up with a few hunky guys while we are out, so be it!”

  I said my goodbyes and made the arrangements for her visit. I packed up my school things and rushed to the bus stop, the weather was too changeable to cycle to campus and I had a class that afternoon. I arrived slightly later than anticipated, the class was seated and Sam was about to close the door when I appeared in front of him slightly out of breath. “Ana! I didn’t think you would be in class today. Are you ok?” I nodded shyly, “I spoke to Nonna and Abby, they made me feel better.” He stepped out into the hallway and closed the door slightly behind him. “How is Nonna? I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye before I left Italy.”

  I hadn’t expected him to speak to me that much, and I certainly hadn’t expected him to talk about Nonna as if nothing had happened since his return to England. I held my bag close to my chest, “She’s good. She’s supporting me while I’m here because my father wouldn’t…” I hesitated before I said the rest. “She told me you had left for England. That’s why I emailed you that day. She was under the impression you were coming to see me.” He smiled at me sadly and slid his hands in his pockets to hide his awkward fidgeting. “Well…please tell her I said hello, won’t you?” I looked at the floor, unable to meet his eye, “I actually haven’t told her about us yet. I’m sure she knows we didn’t get the reunion she’d been thinking of as I haven’t mentioned you since before school started. I’d rather not encourage any questions from her honestly.”

  He remained silent for a moment, I felt his eyes examining me but I could not look at him. “Right. Yes, well, it’s probably for the best then.” He turned to enter the classroom but I touched his arm to stop him, dropping my hand quickly so the familiarity of his skin didn’t tempt me to linger. “I wanted to say thank you.” He looked confused as if there was nothing I could possibly be thanking him for. “You stood up for me. You stood up to my father. That meant a lot. So thank you.” He smiled then, his genuine Sam smile, and my stomach did flips. I hadn’t seen it since that afternoon on the boat when we were carefree and I tasted the salty ocean on his sun-heated skin. I blushed and looked at my shoes once more. He squeezed my arm gently making me meet his intense gaze, “I meant every word.”

  For the next week, I found it hard to focus on my work. Being friendly with Sam brought me back to our time in Pisciotta and I couldn’t stop daydreaming about the times we had been together. Sam knew what I was thinking, I’d catch him staring too, and looking away with a small smile. Mid-daydream a small cough from the front of the room would jolt me into consciousness where I’d always meet his gaze, the memory so recent in my mind that I was sure he could see the heat in my eyes until I blushed and turned away.

  I longed for those moments more than anything. As nice as my encounter with Tom had been I knew that only Sam knew how to read my body and give me what it wanted. On a Friday afternoon at the end of class, I paused in the doorway after everybody had left and watched him cleaning up the desks. He glanced up and stopped in his tracks, a look of longing clear on his handsome face. I turned and left as quickly as I could. The sooner I had girl therapy the better.

  Chapter 16

  A horn honked outside the house and I ran down the stairs and through the front door full of excitement. As she exited the car I crushed her into a tight hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve missed you so much!” Abby waved me away and held me at arm’s length. “You’re losing weight! You’re letting the menfolk stress you out too much.” I rolled my eyes and helped her with her weekend bag. “You’re staying for one night!” I shrieked as she pulled out a small suitcase. “Yes but we are going out tonight and that requires supplies to make me look fabulous.” She wandered past me toward the front door of the house.

  As we entered the hallway Tom came jogging down the stairs and paused on the bottom step. He was wearing a navy blue suit and a crisp white shirt open at the collar. “Oh hi Tom, how’re you?” I was still a little shy around him and even more so knowing that I had told Abby everything that had happened between us. “Oh hi! Great thanks. Who’s your friend?” Before I could introduce her Abby stepped forwards and offered her hand, “Abby Knowles. I’ve heard so much about you.” She glanced sideways at me and winked making me blush. “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Abby.” He shook her hand. “Oh the pleasure is all mine believe me,” she said, blatantly checking him out from head to foot.

  Tom left and I slapped her across the arm. “Hey! Could you make yourself anymore obvious?” She grinned cheekily, “No,” she laughed, running up the stairs toward my flat. I chased up after her dragging her case behind me. When I got to the flat she was already in the living room examining my latest painting. “Um, Ana, is it me or is this painting a bit…erotic?” I scoffed at her and threw a dust sheet over the canvas. “That’s not for you to see, it’s not finished.” I busied myself
in the kitchen preparing drinks. The painting was erotic. It was a moment I had recently been dreaming about. A moment from memory rather than fiction. Two bodies distorted by the ripples and waves of the ocean, entwined in a passionate embrace, fingers gripping at each other’s flesh.

  “Are you getting any?” Abby leaned on the countertop resting on her elbows, her fingers held against her pursed lips. I sighed and signalled for her to sit on the sofa. I handed her a glass of wine, my aversion to alcohol hadn’t lasted too long, and slumped onto the cushions next to her. “No I am not getting any, and I think it’s messing with my head. Seeing Sam nearly every day. Watching his body, knowing what he can do with it, and coming away empty-handed. I’m going insane.” I pulled at my hair completely exasperated. Abby grabbed my glass off the coffee table and shoved it toward me. “Drink! And tell Aunty Abby what’s been going on.”

  I took a long sip of wine and told her all about my new friendly relationship with Sam, about my daydreams and the longing looks he had been giving me. Then we cursed him for putting me in such a position. “You need to find someone to have a bit of fun with.” I pointed out that I had already done that with Tom and had got nowhere. She pointed out that I was friends with Tom so it didn’t count. “You need to find a randomer, someone you’re not going to see again, and just get it out of your system. Tonight, we’ll find you somebody.” I shook my head and laughed taking another sip of wine. “No Ab, I’m not interested in anyone else. They all pale in comparison to how things were with Sam.” She rolled her eyes and downed the rest of her wine. “Come on, finish your drink and we’ll go shopping. We’ll find you something stunningly sexy for Charlie to sink his teeth into.” She grinned at me mischievously and pulled me off the sofa as I giggled.

  An hour later we were in an evening gown boutique near York Minster. I had tried on several dresses to appease Abby even though I knew every one of them was out of my price range. Eventually, I was taken through to view the sales rack, the staff evidently becoming annoyed with me wasting their time. A slither of emerald green silk shone from between two peach coloured gowns. I pointed it out to Abby and she pulled it from the rail. It was a slinky evening gown, quite retro, it looked like something from the twenties or thirties. I reached for the label to check the price but Abby smacked my hand away and nudged me back toward the dressing room.

  I slipped the dress over my head and let it slide down my body. It was floor length with a rear train, bias cut in the bodice, and loose at the bust. Spaghetti straps made it more delicate, and admittedly slightly sexier than the chunky ball gowns I had been trying. They ran over my shoulders and all the way down my bare back, stopping low on my waist where a band was wrapped and gathered at the rear. The skirt was a straight cut circle with a high slit in the front that my bare knee peeked out of when I walked. The rich emerald green paired beautifully with my new auburn hair and made my skin look like alabaster. I felt more feminine and attractive than I had ever felt in my life. Abby burst into the cubicle after growing tired of my silence.

  “Wow!” She gave the word a few extra O’s and circled me fingering the fabric. “Ana, you look unbelievably hot!” I laughed and twirled this way and that in the mirror. I pulled out the tag and checked the price, my face dropping with the realisation that it was out of my budget. Abby leaned in to see the price herself. “It’s in the fifty percent off sale!” She exclaimed happily. “It’s still a hundred and fifty pounds, Abby! I can’t afford that!” I stroked the skirt sadly and began to unzip the back. “How much do you have?” I quickly did some mental maths. I knew an evening dress would be expensive so I had given myself a fair budget. “I can do a hundred max. Let’s just forget it, I’ll find something from a high street brand.” Abby ran to her bag and pulled out her bank card. “I can give you the fifty.”

  I shook my head and stepped out of the dress, placing it gently back on its hanger and throwing my jumper back over my head. “No Abby, I can’t let you do that.” She sighed and grabbed the dress from where it hung. “This is the dress, Ana. At least let me lend you the money. You can pay me back. Or it can be your birthday and Christmas present.” I pursed my lips and twisted my fingers nervously. “Are you sure?” She grinned and bounced excitedly. I took the dress off her and carried it over to the register. “You are going to look so hot, Charlie won’t be able to keep his hands off you.” The saleswoman gave me a quietly judgemental sneer but I ignored her and smiled to myself. Yes, Sam wouldn’t know what had hit him.

  * * *

  I awoke in my own bed the following morning, always a good sign after a night out with Abby. I was surprisingly not as disastrously ill as I had been the last time I was drunk, I didn’t even have a headache, just a cottonmouth, and a slightly fuzzy mind. I had drawn the line when Abby began buying shots and it had served me well. York had a great nightlife and was much more laid back than the clubbing scenes I was used to. We had started the night trying multiple cocktails in The Evil Eye and ended in The Habit along with a few students I had met briefly on my course. Being with Abby gave me the confidence to talk with them as I never had before. The beer that was flowing even inspired one of them to say I wasn’t the stuck up southerner they had thought I was.

  There was a faint strain of music coming from the kitchen and I heard the sound of cupboards being opened and closed. Abby was probably making breakfast like she always did after a night out. I decided to stay in bed knowing full well she would drag me out of it soon to go and eat something. I picked my laptop off the floor and propped myself up on the pillows. I checked my personal email but there had been no response from my father. I then logged in to my student portal and noted a few new emails there. One with the title “History and Philosophy of Art Trip: Rome” caught my attention. I opened it.

  Given the acquisition of a prestigious, Italian artist as a lecturer on the course the university had arranged a two night, three day trip to Rome in January to study the ancient art that can be found across the city. We were to spend our first day exploring the famous architecture of ancient Rome and our second day studying the vast collection of works found in the Vatican City. I knew immediately the email was referring to Sam and that he would most likely be chaperoning the students as the only Italian speaking member of staff. I had until the end of November to confirm my place and pay the fee which was £300.

  Even if I could have brought myself to spend three full days in Italy with Sam, and not conjure up memories of our summer romance, I would not be able to afford the fees to go. Nonna was already paying out hundreds of pounds each month for me to live in York, I couldn’t ask her to also pay for a trip abroad. I closed the laptop dejectedly and shuffled down the bed and under the covers. After fifteen minutes Abby still had not come to force me up. I threw the covers off and wrapped a gown around myself, not bothering with clothes, then padded out into the hallway to see what my friend was up to in my kitchen.

  She wasn’t in the kitchen or living room. I put my ear to the bathroom door but there was no sound in there either. An empty carton of milk sat on the kitchen counter, she had probably driven to the local shop for some more. Back in my bedroom, I looked down at the driveway. Her car was still sat in the same spot and with no shop within walking distance, it meant she was still in the building. I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. Abby’s voice drifted up the stairs, giggling girlishly to the low voice of a man I couldn’t quite make out. I tiptoed down the stairs. She was leaning seductively against Tom’s doorframe in her short pyjama shorts, a bottle of milk swinging from her finger. Tom, clad in only his pyjama bottoms, stood partially hidden behind his door.

  “Uh, Ab?” I called, making her jump a mile and almost throw the milk bottle. She regained her composure and smiled up at me. “Ana! You’re finally up!” She turned and thanked Tom then ran up the stairs and back to my flat. “Morning, Ana.” Tom stepped out from behind his door and exposed his large, built chest and taut stomach. I pulled my dressing gown a little tighter aroun
d myself, alarmingly aware that I had nothing but underwear underneath, he grinned at my awkwardness. “Morning, Tom,” I smiled, faking confidence. “On the wine again last night?” He smirked. I scowled at him and turned to walk back up the stairs. “Cocktails actually,” I called over my shoulder. “By the way, I’ve seen a lot more than your bare legs!” He yelled up the stairs before I closed my door.

  Abby was back in the kitchen whisking pancake batter in a mixing bowl. “What was that?” I asked gesturing toward the front door. She shrugged and poured the batter into a frying pan on the stovetop. “What? You were out of milk so I asked your neighbour.” I crossed my arms and gave her a judgemental look. “No, I meant the flirting.” She slid a pancake onto my plate and placed a bowl of strawberries and a can of whipped cream on the counter. “Well, if you know it was flirting why are you asking what it was?” I rolled my eyes and took my plate from her, it smelt delicious. She continued making pancakes, acting aloof until I demanded that she talk to me.

  “He’s hot!” She waved her hands in exasperation. “I know he’s hot, Ab, I’ve been there remember?” She scoffed and danced past me to the living room, dropping onto the sofa with her pancakes. “No, you had a drunken fumble with him. I’m not breaking girl code when you refuse to date the guy.” I laughed and held my hands up in surrender. “Hey, you want to go there then I wish you all the best! You’re just very different people that’s all.” I joined her on the sofa and finished off my pancakes. She looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully, “I guess he does seem a little shy. And I’m more…” she searched her mind for the right word. “Aggressive?” I offered with a smirk. She slapped my arm and we collapsed into giggles.

  “I’ll give him your number if you want?” She nodded eagerly and collected the empty plates. “Oo, yes, please. Can’t have you hogging all the attractive guys in York.” With a smile, I went into the bedroom and began to pack her things into her suitcase for her. I paused and pulled the dress bag containing the emerald gown out of my wardrobe and lay it on the bed. It was a daring outfit, one that may give Charlie the wrong impression and Sam the right one. For a second I considered returning it and wearing something more modest, but standing there holding the silky, rich fabric against my skin I couldn’t bring myself to part with it. I wanted to attract Sam’s attention, to crack his resolve and be with him again. This was the dress to do that. I hung it back in my wardrobe.