I laughed and assured him he would make a great godparent. “How was Rome? I haven’t seen you since you left.” I was about to answer when I heard the shuffle of feet ascending the stairs below me. Sam appeared in front of us and eyed Tom up and down before coming to stand at my side. “Ana, the car’s ready to go, are you coming?” I nodded and squeezed his arm telling him I’d be there in a minute. With one last furtive glance in Tom’s direction he ran back down the stairs and waited for me outside. I glanced up into Tom’s surprised eyes and felt my cheeks flush, it told him everything he needed to know. “Rome went very well by the looks of it.”
I stared down at my shoes and shrugged slightly. “Things happened yes…but we have only just got back together.” He cleared his throat awkwardly and I peeked up at him once more. His eyes were sad, he bit his bottom lip and dropped his head, breaking our gaze. I twisted the strap of my bag in my fingers, taken back by his sudden melancholy I didn’t know what to say. He stepped toward me, tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and lightly kissed my forehead. “I hope he treats you right this time.” Before I could respond he jogged down the stairs and left the house. As I heard his car door slam shut I wandered down the steps and out into the garden, closing the front door behind me.
I approached the car where Sam was standing holding the door ajar for me. He leaned against the frame and watched as Tom sped away down the street in his BMW. I hadn’t known how much Tom had liked me. I’d always got the impression he was a very casual person, too much of a bachelor to give his heart to anybody. After seeing the sadness in his eyes I realised I had been wrong. Sam was watching me, a tightness in his jaw signalled that he knew something had happened between Tom and I. I sighed and closed the gap between us by wrapping an arm around his waist. “Sam, we need to talk.”
Sam ran a finger along my jawline, his eyebrows creasing in thought. “Later,” he said simply and opened the door further, taking my hand and guiding me to sit inside. The hour-long journey went by in relative silence, filled only by the hum of radio chatter and Sam occasionally pointing out sights along the route. As we neared the coast we approached a street near the West Cliff and parked on the roadside near a B&B called The Leeway. After check-in we were greeted with complimentary tea and cake to enjoy before being shown to our room. We entered the Abbey room, a spacious king-size on the second floor, and threw our bags at the foot of the bed.
The deep red walls and black leather chairs were a little too “sex dungeon-ish” for my liking, but overall it was spacious while remaining cosy and felt more like a four-star hotel than a bed and breakfast. I smiled up at Sam and wrapped my arms around his neck. “The sea is a couple of minutes walk away. If we wrap up warm it may be nice to take a stroll, get some fresh air.” I grabbed my hat and gloves from where they lay on top of my weekend bag and took the crook of his elbow. “Lead the way.” He pulled me close to his chest, kissed me firmly but warmly on the lips, and left the room to head back out of the building.
A short distance into our walk the sea became visible ahead of us. We walked straight until we reached the famous whalebone archway, pausing for a picture together, my hair whipping wildly across my face as the wind from the beach assaulted us. Sam took my hand and led me past the Captain Cook memorial toward a bench overlooking the water. It was getting late in the day, the sun hung low over the horizon, a beautiful muted tangerine mixed with fiery red and slivers of gold that I longed to paint. I took a seat on the edge of the bench and breathed a deep sigh of contentment and fresh, sea air. I closed my eyes and let the keen, icy wind sting my face and clear my mind.
After a few minutes I looked up to find Sam staring at my profile, yearning evident in the loving smile he gave me. I turned my body toward him and he took my hand from my lap. “I don’t want to talk about what happened between you and your neighbour. I think I already know…but I don’t want to hear the details.” My face crumpled with guilt and he placed a hand under my chin so that I would look at him. “Hey…It doesn’t matter ok? We were no longer together. Things were difficult between us. I understand. I just need to know…do you have feelings for him?” I stared into those hurting green eyes and thought of my time with Tom.
“I do love him,” I admitted as a single tear fell down my cheek and dampened his fingertips. “But I love him as a dear friend. Nothing more. He was there for me when I was broken. He stopped the hurt when it was unbearable to carry on. He was a very good friend to me, too good in fact. I feel like I took advantage.” Sam let out a steadying breath that he had been holding. “He obviously cares deeply for you. I wondered if the feeling might be mutual.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently. “I didn’t know he felt that way about me. Not until today anyway.” I gazed out at the ocean, trying desperately to forget the pain I had seen when Tom realised I was back with Sam.
“You are so easy to love, Ana. I don’t know why you can’t see that.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and leaned us back against the bench. We sat in silence for a fairly long time until the bright orb-like sun dipped beneath the line where heaven met earth and the wind cut through our clothing like a knife. Sam turned to me, resolve in his eyes, and kissed me until my skin warmed and my heart fluttered. He pulled away with a gasp and rested his forehead against mine. “Let’s try to move past the last few months. I will make this work. Even if I lose my job, I won’t leave you again.” My smile faltered at the mention of him losing his job but I laid my head on his shoulder and told him that I loved him. He frowned into the distance, across the thunderous waves and out to sea. “I’ll avoid anything that could hurt you, I’ve done too much of that already.”
* * *
The next few weeks were a blur. A thrilling, lust-filled blur that derailed my thought processes and made me almost unbearable to be around. Sam and I had returned from Whitby completely loved up and determined to maintain our relationship. Although Sam really did not like sneaking around and preferred that he tell his superiors what had happened, I insisted that we kept things quiet. I refused to let him throw his career away and, even though I would never have admitted it to him, on some level I was secretly enjoying the delicious illicitness that our relationship involved. Our heated gazes during class and covert touches made me crave him more and, once class was over and all my classmates had left, I would double back to his room and we would be unable to keep our hands off each other.
While the rest of the class remained oblivious Charlie knew immediately that something was going on. After watching an entire hour of our flirtatious glances and secret smiles he had leaned over to whisper in my ear. “I take it Sam decided to give you guys a chance after all?” I gave him a puzzled look and he frowned at me, incredulous. “Ana, the two of you are practically eye-fucking each other right here in the middle of the studio floor.” My cheeks burned with embarrassment and in my flustered state, I knocked my paintbrush to the ground. Charlie laughed and helped me clean up the smear of paint on the ceramic floor tiles as Sam eyed us suspiciously.
Later that day, after quite a few drinks in the student union, I admitted all to Charlie, his face showing more and more surprise with each anecdote of the story. He promised he would keep our secret as long as I didn’t force him to witness any more of what he referred to as “soft-core pornographic” behaviour. While Charlie had been happy for me his excitement paled in comparison to Abby’s reaction. After a few reproachful comments about holding out on her and not calling since before Rome, she was soon practically dancing for joy. She invited herself to Sam’s house for dinner so that she could finally meet him. The only person that showed any concern with the match was Nonna.
I had given the news to my grandmother last, apart from my parents who I definitely was not ready to have that conversation with, after realising I had no idea how she would react. She was happy we had made up but expressed concern about the effect the situation could have on my studies, especially if we were caught. I promised that I would maintain my grades and not lose
focus on the bigger picture. After the suggestion of a visit from both Sam and me in the summer for six weeks, she seemed slightly mollified. Sam assured her in his fluent Italian that he only wanted what was best for me and promised to look after her precious granddaughter because I was as precious to him as I was to her. Their relationship melted my heart and made me love him even more.
As the weeks moved ahead swiftly, and winter began to subside in late February, Sam and I spent a lot of time at each others apartments, rarely having a night apart unless I was working late at the coffee shop. We fell back into the comfortable ease we’d had in our little hut by the sea, often spending hours of our shared company in complete silence while we each worked on our individual canvases. We would paint into the night or until we were hungry for food or each other. He eventually became less averse to my advances on university premises and, if it wasn’t too likely we would be caught, our passion for each other led to uncontrollable sexual activity in the classroom, in his office and, on more than one occasion, in the art storerooms.
Aware that I was beginning to spend less and less time with my friends I approached Charlie at the end of class and asked if he would like to hang out. Ten minutes later we arrived in the student union bar and found our usual booth. “Cider? It’s on me.” Charlie stood and waved his wallet in front of me. “Umm, no thanks, just a lemonade please, I’ve really gone off alcohol lately.” He shrugged and left for the bar, I watched as he chatted up the new barmaid. He soon returned and placed a pint of ice-cold lemonade in front of me. I sipped it gratefully through a straw.
We spent some time discussing class work and I made sure to ask plenty of questions about what he’d been getting up to lately. I was painfully aware that we had barely talked over the past few weeks, and I had missed my friend. About an hour later, as we emptied our drinks, Charlie looked at me wistfully. “It’s nice to sit and chat with you again. I’ve missed this.” He pointed between us and leaned back in his seat smiling. “Me too. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. I promise we can start hanging out a bit more now everything has kind of…settled.” Charlie smirked and looked around the bar. “So…Where is he then? Why do I get the pleasure of you this afternoon instead of you being wrapped around our dear teacher?”
“Shh!” I hissed, gazing around the bar warily to see if anybody had heard him. We were safe, the bar was fairly quiet. “I just feel like we could spend one afternoon away from each other now and then.” Charlie sat forward in his seat and lowered his head closer to mine. “Trouble in paradise?” He looked almost concerned until I smiled shyly and told him everything was perfect. “I think it’s ok to have a break from each other now and then. Catch up with friends instead, you know?” A grin spread across his face, “Is it that time of the month or something? Is that the break you’re referring to?” My mouth dropped open and I slapped him hard on the shoulder in disgust. “You can’t say that to a woman you idiot!” He held his palms up in defence and apologised, his grin still plastered from ear to ear.
I glanced at my phone lying on the table and noticed the time. “Oh damn it. I’ve got to go, my shift starts in less than half an hour. I’ll see you tomorrow loser.” I grabbed my backpack from the floor and ruffled his hair as I rushed toward the door. Out in the fresh air, walking through the quad in the direction of the coffee shop, I smiled to myself. I really enjoyed spending time with Charlie, he was like a loveable, if not slightly annoying, little brother after all. Our conversation ran through my mind as I walked and I felt the niggle of unease begin to creep into my subconscious as I recalled his final comment. “Is it that time of the month or something?”
I came to a halt, frozen in fear at the side of the road. A car approached and stopped, waving for me to cross the street. I shook my head and signalled for them to continue while desperately trying to contain my panic. I had been enjoying completely uninterrupted sex with Sam for at least two months now. I did the maths in my head, the maths that every girl does at some point in her life. My last period had been around the middle of December and I had not had another since then. My hand dropped shakily to my stomach before I snatched my phone out of my satchel and googled the nearest pharmacy. This could not be happening.
Chapter 21
My hands were in my lap and wouldn’t stop shaking so I trapped them between my knees. Perhaps I should have done that much sooner, I thought, then I wouldn’t be in this position. The pregnancy test I had bought from the pharmacy on my way to work was balanced precariously on the edge of the sink in the dingy staff toilet at the coffee shop. I had arrived to work, slightly late and flustered, and spent the next two and a half hours desperately trying to concentrate on peoples orders as I was fully aware of the pregnancy test burning a metaphorical hole through my leather satchel. At the first opportunity to take my break, I snatched my bag from behind the counter and locked myself in the toilet.
The timer I had set on my phone buzzed signalling the test result should be ready. With a deep breath, I took the white stick in my hands and turned it over. A lump slowly rose in my throat as I stared down at the pink line in the little plastic window with a second fainter line that had appeared next to it. Throwing it into the sink I snatched up the instruction leaflet and reread every line ensuring I had done the test correctly. It appeared that I had. I picked up the used test again and held it nearer to my face. The second line was visible but relatively faint, almost as if the first test line had run and created another.
Foreseeing potential issues with the first test I had urinated into a paper coffee cup that was still sitting on the toilet cistern. I unwrapped the second and last test in the box and dipped it into my sample, then reset my phone timer and placed the stick on the edge of the sink. While I waited I thought about Rome. I was on the pill when I slept with Sam on the trip but, after my encounter with Tom and vowing I was officially off sex, I may have become too relaxed about taking it at the same time each day. How could I be so stupid? How could I miss two periods and not even realise? The timer for the second test went off again. I quickly silenced it.
Sure enough, once again there were two pink lines on the test strip. The instructions said that this was a positive result. In my eyes it wasn’t positive at all, I was terrified. Realising I had been in the bathroom for over fifteen minutes I stuffed the tests back into the box and shoved the box to the bottom of my bag. I disposed of my sample, washed my hands and tried to control my facial expression, at that time distorted with worry. I didn’t know how I would be able to make it through another three hours of my shift. I didn’t know what to do with myself full stop. I grabbed my apron from the hook in the storage room and rushed back out to the front of the store.
Carol, the shop owner, was leaning against the counter, having just arrived, talking to Danny my coworker. “Hi, Ana!” I smiled weakly at her as I tried to tie the apron strings behind my back. “Ana, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you feeling ok?” I sighed and did not meet her eye. If I did I knew that I would break down in tears. “I’m not feeling too great today if I’m honest.” It wasn’t a lie after all, I felt worried sick to my stomach. “Well, I’m not doing anything this afternoon. I can cover the rest of your shift if you want to head home?” I sighed with relief, on the brink of tears but holding myself together long enough to thank her profusely, throw my apron behind the counter and get out of there.
I walked straight back to the pharmacy and splashed the cash on a much more expensive, digital pregnancy test to know once and for all. On the bus journey home I tried not to think about the positive tests that were sitting in the bottom of my bag. If the digital test was positive I had a huge decision to make and I didn’t know if I was ready to have something so big fall on my shoulders. As the bus came to a halt near the end of my street my reverie was broken. I ran past the neighbouring houses, through my front door and locked myself in my flat before I could bump into anybody I knew.
Ten minutes later I was sat in an awkward kneeling position on my bat
hroom floor. I stared down at the digital screen, the message was very clear, Pregnant 3+. I threw the test across the floor and bolted for the toilet bowl, overcome with the urge to vomit. Lying with my face against the cool tiled floor afterward my mind kept chanting two words on repeat. “No way. No way. No way.” How had I not realised after almost two months? I rolled onto my back and placed my palm against my lower stomach. I guessed I did feel a little bloated. My breasts were tender now I came to think of it, and, like I had told Charlie, I really had gone off alcohol.
I didn’t know what to do, if I should move from the floor or lie there until I had worked everything out in my head. My thoughts then changed to wonder what Sam would say about the situation. We had never discussed children, although I got the impression he did eventually want them. He was a good twelve years older than me. He had found his place in the art world years before meeting me and was now a successful teacher. I was just starting out on my journey, just finding myself again. I didn’t know if I wanted to be a parent yet. A voice at the back of my subconscious told me that I already was, that I had human life growing inside me at that very moment. I shook my head, trying not to completely freak myself out, and stood from the floor abruptly.
I hid the positive tests in the back of my bathroom cabinet and made my way to the living room. I must have paced around the room at least a hundred times that night, desperately trying to figure out what I should do. Eventually, still at a complete loss, I shuffled off to my bed and sank below the covers. As sleep evaded me I found my hand slipping below the covers and resting on my stomach once more. I pictured our lives together, Sam and I with a little baby. The image of a little boy running around a garden somewhere popped into my head. Dark curls of hair, just like his father’s, bouncing with each step as Sam chased behind. My heart stuttered and for the first time, I suddenly felt very protective of that image. I knew there was no way I could get rid of the baby. I just didn’t know how I would tell Sam or, worse still, how he could possibly react.
My Heart Lies in Pisciotta Page 20