“I’m not strong, Charli. I’m a fucking coward.” He laughed and the sound, for once, was without edge or bitterness. “I see strong when I look at that kid, Alex. He’s barely ten and he’s already stronger than I ever was. He wants life. He wants to be happy. He’s not afraid every fucking day will bring something much worse.”
“He had somebody fight for him,” Charli said quietly. “You never did.”
“Bullshit.” He threw the word out, a spark of his old anger lighting his eyes. But even then, his face was different.
He was...lighter, somehow. Charli couldn’t explain just what it was about him, but everything about him was different.
“I had you. I had your brothers. Your mom and dad would have gone to bat for me if I would have just let them. But I was afraid of what that snake who helped spawn me might do to them if they said or did anything. And even though I begged them to be quiet...I know they weren’t. They called the cops. Time after time. The cops just tuned them out, because my dad owned too many of them.” His lip curled. “It’s just as well because I think I would have slit my wrists if anything had happened to your parents because of me.”
She forgot she didn’t want to touch him.
Launching herself toward him, she grabbed him by the front of the shirt and shook him. “Don’t you say shit like that! You hear me? You act like you loved my parents, then you say something like that in this room where my mom held you when you cried... You asshole!” She shook him again and was about two seconds from slapping him when he caught her wrists in his hands.
“You just don’t get it, Charli. You and your family...you were the only good things in my life. If something happened and I lost that, there wouldn’t be any reason to hang around anyway.”
“Your dad didn’t scare my parents!”
“He should have,” Max said softly. Then he shook his head. “But that’s not the point.”
“Is there a point to this?” She laughed, and the sound was a little hysterical. “I thought you were just railing about how you want to die. I got the picture, thanks. I kind of had it figured out when you decided you weren’t going to fight a treatable cancer, you son of a bitch!”
She turned away from him and braced her hands on the hutch, shaking and sick inside.
His next words caught her off-guard, and her knees all but gave out.
“I don’t want to die, Charli. Not anymore.”
“Let me guess...you finally saw the light and you want to live and now... What?” She laughed hollowly. “What is this, Max? Are you trying to claim some romantic bullshit and say you want to live for me?” She turned and glared at him. “That’s not good enough.”
“I don’t want to live for you.” He caught her around the waist and pulled her up against him.
It caught her off guard enough that she didn’t think to push away. Not at first. And by the time it dawned on her that she should, her body was already reacting to the feel of his. He felt so good...
But her brain had stuttered to a halt. “What in the hell does that mean?”
“Charli...” He laughed again.
It would dawn on her later that she’d heard him laugh more in those few brief moments than she normally heard him laugh in...months. Years, even. But he laughed and his blue eyes brightened with amusement as he stared down at her.
Reaching up, he cupped her cheek. “I can’t please you right now, can I? If I’d said, Yes, I want to live for you, Charli, would that make you happy?”
When she didn’t answer, he prodded her. “Would it?”
She huffed out a breath, annoyed. “You need to live for yourself, Max. Fighting cancer for me, for somebody else, living for me, for somebody else...that’s not enough.”
There were things unspoken that she kept tucked inside but somehow, he saw them, hiding in her eyes, or locked away deep inside her heart.
“Even somebody as fucked up as I am needs to learn how to live for themselves, don’t they, Charli?” He pushed his hand into her hair. “Or maybe especially people as fucked as I am.”
She opened her mouth, but he pressed a thumb to her lips. “Don’t go trying to say that I’m not fucked up. We know I am. I hid away from it for too long, dealt with it the wrong way. You and your brothers, you all tried to get me to deal with it better, but I wouldn’t listen.”
She felt bereft when he moved away, even though she’d been trying to convince herself to do just that.
“I’m going to a therapist.” He dropped that line there and just stared at her.
She blinked at him, certain she’d heard him wrong.
“Actually, I’m talking to two therapists, but one of them is Alex’s. He...uh...”
To her unending shock, Max blushed. Max Shame Schaeffer blushed. He looked away, his gaze roaming to the window. Whether he saw the boy, she didn’t know, but she could tell he was thinking of him. “He asked his mom if I’d take him. For some reason, he feels better with me there.”
“For some reason?” she echoed. Shaking her head, she gestured toward the crowd that lay just outside, also thinking of that kid. That survivor. “You and he both survived the same hell. Why do you think he wants you there?”
“I’m still adjusting to the fact that people want me anywhere, Charli.” He gave her that same grin he’d shared with her earlier. A real smile, she realized. Not full of caustic or biting humor. Just a smile, holding nothing but humor. “Cut me some slack, okay?”
He half-turned, leaning against the kitchen island and stretching his legs out in front of him. “I’m adjusting to a lot of shit, and some days, it’s still a bitch just to get out of bed.”
She understood what it was he hadn’t said—what he might not say out loud. He didn’t have to, though. She got it.
He was talking to people.
He was getting help.
“Are you taking medicine?” she asked carefully—afraid to ask, but at the same time, hoping he was willing to commit to that.
He didn’t look at her. “For the cancer? Or for all the shit that floats in my head?” With a shrug, he continued on, not waiting for her reply. “Yes, to both. I’m clinically and severely depressed, or so I’m told. Big surprise.” He finally looked at her. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”
She averted her eyes.
“You’ve always had balls of steel, Charli. Where are they now?”
“Max, I don’t know what you want from me right now.”
“Nothing,” he said simply. “Well, no. That’s not true. I want everything from you, but I lost the right to ask. I just...figured you should know.”
He turned on his heel and headed for the door.
She gaped at his back as he paused there, lingering long enough to put the mask on. He was going to drop a bombshell like that on her and then just walk out?
I don’t think so, Max Schaeffer.
She stormed forward but he’d already opened the door and stepped outside.
“Maxwell Schaeffer, I’m not done talking to you,” she shouted after him.
He turned to look at her.
And so did dozens of others.
Including her brothers.
Including... Oh, shit. Ryder was there.
Max followed the direction her gaze had taken and she saw a chill fall over his eyes.
“Is that him?” he asked coolly.
She just stared him down.
Max nodded, as if to himself, and turned.
She swore and looked at the nearby table. It boasted a beautiful engagement cake and a bunch of adorable cupcakes. Shawntelle would understand. Without pause, she grabbed one of the cupcakes and lobbed it at Max’s retreating back.
“You son of a bitch, you stop walking away from me.”
It hit him mid-back and he went still. For a few seconds, everybody went still, it seemed.
Including Charli.
But she jerked herself out of her semi-fugue and started forward. She bypassed Ryder and gave him a wince. “I...u
h...can we talk? Later?”
Ryder eyed her empty hands. “If I say no, will I get cupcaked?”
A few people chuckled. She just blushed and hurried after Max who had finally turned to stare at her.
“We’re not done,” she said hotly, jerking her chin up at him.
“Aren’t we?” He cocked his head to the side. “You called it quits when you left. I just...” He shrugged. “I figured I should tell you I figured things out. That’s all.”
She poked him in the chest. A few people edged closer.
She gave every one of them a look that would have frozen fire.
Suddenly, they had a little more room.
“I left?” she demanded. “First you kicked me out of your life...again. How many times have you pushed me away, Max? Then you decide you’ll just give up the good fight and let cancer kick your ass, but you think you can sulk because I left?”
Fire flashed in his eyes.
But it wasn’t the fire of anger.
Abruptly, she realized she might have played right into his hands.
“Who said I’m sulking?” He lifted his chin in challenge, eyes dropping to the hand she’d fisted in his shirt. “I just needed to say a few things and I said them. Why don’t you go on back to your date now, Charli?”
Giving him a slit-eyed gaze, she returned his challenging glare. “You got a problem with me having a date, Shame? I only watched you parade every unmarried, and several married, women in town in front of my face, honey.”
Something flickered in his eyes and he reached up, cupped her cheek.
She knocked his hand away. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t you...”
“I can’t change the man I was, Charli. But I can change the man I am.” His lids drooped over his eyes and he slid a look past her.
She knew he was looking at Ryder. “Now...do you want to go talk to your...date?”
She knew what he was asking and she was suddenly terrified.
Max was offering her everything she’d ever wanted. Was she ready to reach for it again?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Shame
SHAME WATCHED AS SHE turned away from him and went to go speak to the tall, lean blond who’d been watching them both with astute eyes. Shame was under no illusions as to who the man was.
He wasn’t from around here—nobody seemed to recognize him, and he had eyes for nobody but Charli.
Besides, Shawntelle had warned him.
Charli was bringing a date.
His first instinct was to pummel anybody who thought they could lay hands on his woman.
He’d throttled it down because he’d done some hard thinking over the past couple of months. He’d had a lot of time on his hands, between rounds of chemo, getting sick, forcing himself to eat and all the fucking talking he had to do with the shrink he was seeing.
Introspection and reflection was a bitch, but he’d done some shitty things to the entire Steele family, Charli in particular.
He’d always known she loved him.
Had always known she wanted him.
If he’d thought for a minute he deserved her...
No more thinking like that, he reminded himself, cutting off the thought. It was an instinctive thing, relegating himself to the trash pile of humanity, but the good doctor he visited twice a week right now kept telling him that how he saw himself would be reflected in the way he expected others to treat him and those he loved deserved better. When he hurt himself, he hurt them.
Some part of him had known that.
She turned back to him and he felt the impact of her gaze all the way to the pit of his soul. As she crossed the grass to stand in front of him, he had to fight the urge to close himself off. It was second nature when it came to her, and he had to rewrite all of that. He had to rewrite most of everything he knew about himself.
To be honest, just the thought of it was exhausting.
But she was worth it.
A life with her was worth it.
“Want to go for a drive?” she asked in a neutral voice.
“No.” He looked past her shoulder to study the house. “I want to go inside.”
Her lids flickered and she glanced back, her lips parting on a slight breath.
He half-expected her to refuse and if she did, they’d be going for that drive because he wouldn’t force it on her.
But she turned on her heel and started for the back door.
The crowd around them had closed in slightly, trying to listen without seeming to, and as Charli strode forward, they all hastily fell back, pretending to be lost in conversation.
His sister, he noticed, was talking to Charli’s would-be date.
Once inside the house, he gestured to the hall. “Want to see everything?”
She flicked him a sharp look. “How much did you change?”
“Not much. Just the things you said you wanted.”
She went to reply, then finally shook her head. “Not right now.” She turned on her heel and strode off down the hall, though, leaving him to follow her.
She was going to see some of the changes then, whether she wanted to or not.
He came across her standing in the doorway of the living room. It had been widened, opening the room more. The fireplace had been fixed, restored to its former glory.
The walls were once more the pale blue they’d been when they were kids, the color no longer faded. The carpet had been ripped up, replaced with smooth, polished wooden floors, heavy throw rugs dotting the space here and there.
The furniture was the same. He hadn’t wanted to replace any of that.
“How did you get all of this done in two months?”
“If you’re willing to pay the money, you can get just about anything done,” he said, shrugging. “I’ve got plenty of money. Never had much I wanted to spend it on. You know that.”
“You didn’t need to spend it on me,” she said, her voice hushed.
“I didn’t need to. I wanted to. And it wasn’t just on you.”
She turned to face him, head tipping back as she met his eyes. “Oh?”
“I told you once...this was the closest thing to home I’ve ever known.” It was time to lay it all out already, wasn’t it? Taking a step toward her, he said softly, “Give me a chance to be the man you think I am, Charli. Make a home with me. Make this our home.”
Her mouth fell opened.
“Just like that?” she asked, sputtering. “You don’t talk to me for weeks, you find out you have cancer and I have to listen to you talk about how you’re okay with dying and then after two months of me thinking that’s what you’re going to do, you want me to move in with you?”
“Why not?” He closed the distance between them, staring down at her. She watched him, her blue eyes full of confusion and doubt. “It’s what we both want.”
“You want it now.” Charli passed a hand over her face, looking confused. “How do I know you’ll want it tomorrow? A month from now? A year from now?”
“Because it was what I wanted yesterday. A month ago. A year ago. It’s what I’ve always wanted... I just didn’t think I deserved it.” He caught the hand she’d covered her eyes with and tugged it down. “You can’t understand the trash heap my head’s been, Charli. I’m not going to lie and promise I won’t ever be in the place I was a couple of months ago. And it’s not like I’m all the way out of that hole. Two months isn’t long enough to change everything. But I’ve had enough time to know I want to change everything. And even if I hit rock bottom again...I’m still going to want to fight, because I know what it feels like not to be there.”
Tears burned her eyes as she stared at him.
Daring to take a chance, he curved his hand over the back of her neck and brought her in close enough to press their brows together.
She didn’t pull away.
He still wasn’t certain of his reception so he didn’t do anything else, just stood there staring into her eyes.
“You going to give
me a chance here, Charli?”
She breathed out a shaky sigh, then closed her eyes.
When she finally opened them, his heart skipped a few beats, then stopped. He couldn’t read anything in that impenetrable blue gaze. She curved a hand over his wrist and shook her head. “Sometimes, Shame, you make me want to beat my head against a wall. You know that?”
Then she threw her arms around his neck. “A part of me is telling me to run like hell and maybe I should listen. But since when did I ever do the smart thing when it came to you?”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Charli
SHE WOKE TO THE FEEL of a hard body between her thighs and Max’s face pressed to her cunt.
Already on the verge of climax, she curved her hands over his naked scalp and arched up closer.
He licked at her clit, then closed his teeth around her, stabbing at the captured flesh with his tongue until she writhed under him. “Please...” she whimpered, bringing her thighs up and arching closer to him. Or at least trying.
He had his face buried against her cunt and at just that moment, he thrust two fingers into her pussy. They couldn’t get much closer.
But damn if she wouldn’t try.
Max drove her to a hard, quick orgasm, then crawled up her body and settled between her thighs.
“Look at me,” he whispered against her mouth, sharing the taste of her.
She dragged her eyes open, staring at him. “Are we going to be late?” she asked.
“If we are, it will be worth it,” he answered, licking his way into her mouth at the same time he fit the head of his cock to her entrance.
She groaned as he sank inside her, filling her completely. She whimpered as he withdrew, clenching her muscles around him in effort to hold him inside.
He sank back in again and she sighed in satisfaction, only to lose him again as he pulled out.
She locked her legs around him and stared up at him. “Never leave me,” she told him, the words having a far deeper meaning than just sexual.
He gave her a slow, promising smile, then drove inside her. Sinking his weight down on her, he clutched her to him and rolled to his back. “You do it, Charli,” Max said.
F*CK CLUB_SHAME Page 15