A Different Shade of Violet?

by K E Osborn

  I bring my feet up on the edge of the seat and cradle my arms around my legs. How can one man infuriate and infatuate me at the same time? I want to run into his arms and tell him how much I need him, how much I love him and want to be with him, but I know that’s a useless idea. He doesn’t want me and to be honest I’m a mess right now so I don’t blame him.

  I sit on the swing cradling myself and looking out into the forest. There’s an extensive array of bird life flying around the outside of the cabin and I take a particular liking to the rainbow lorikeets that are sitting in the trees and swoop down occasionally to eat the nectar from the Hibiscus flowers. It’s so peaceful and tranquil here that it almost takes away the thoughts of why I’m here. But then, just when I start to feel at ease, the memory of Star and Sheila’s beaten bodies flash through my mind and I tense up all over again.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting out here for, but the sun is starting to set and Hudson has left me to myself for the afternoon. Which is just what I needed, I needed some time to think. I want him back so badly, but at the same time he hurt me… really bad, so maybe I shouldn’t be so eager to have him back in my life? If he can turn on me so quickly and so easily then maybe he doesn’t love me like I thought he did?

  “Vee?” Hudson asks quietly as I look up and see him standing in the doorway with a tea towel hanging over his shoulder. I exhale and then put my head back down on my knees. “Well, dinner’s ready if you’re hungry. You need to eat to keep your strength up,” he says quietly and then I hear him walk back inside.

  Maybe I’ve had enough me time and maybe I need to try and be civil toward Hudson. We’re here together for who knows how long and we can’t keep avoiding each other. I bring my legs down from the chair of the swing and slowly stand up. Everything’s still aching from the beating the Dogs gave me so I walk slowly toward the front door. I get to the doorway and look in to see dinner set up on the kitchen table and my stomach growls. I walk in and sit down at the table just as Hudson brings over two glasses of water and sits opposite me placing one glass for him and one for me. I see a simple spaghetti bolognese dish and some crusty bread. I wonder when he cooked it, but then I realise I was in my own world for the last few hours that the smell didn’t even register my attention, but it sure as hell has now.

  “Thanks,” I say and pick up a fork and swirl my pasta around in my bowl.

  “You’re meant to eat it not play with it.”

  “What are you, my father?” I snap looking up at him and glaring.

  He puts his hands up in surrender and shakes his head. “It can’t be like this, Vee. I know you’re hurting, I am too, but we have to get along. You wanted me here remember?” he says quietly.

  I huff and nod. “Sorry,” I murmur.

  “It’s okay, I know how shit this is. I know you’re scared and I know this is all new to you, but it will all work out.”

  I wish I knew if he was right. I wish I knew if this was going to work out because right now I don’t see a way out of any of it. Even if Mad Dog goes away it doesn’t guarantee my safety. I will always be alone so any one of his cronies could come after me. I just don’t see this ending well and I know Hudson and I aren’t going to work out, that’s painfully obvious to me right now.

  “So um… how are you feeling?” he asks and I let out a small laugh.

  “Awkward, in pain and a lot heartbroken, but other than that I’m fine,” I reply and he rubs the back of his neck and looks down at his bowl of spaghetti continuing to eat, without looking at me once.

  Could this be any more awkward?

  He continues to slowly eat while I more or less play with my food. I’ve lost any appetite I may have had. He finishes his dinner and then stands and takes his plate to the sink. I watch him as he moves around the cabin. He rinses his plate and then walks past me and into the lounge area and sits down and turns on the television. I swallow the lump in my throat and turn back to look at my barely touched food. I stand up and put the rest of the spaghetti in the bin and my plate in the sink with his. I have no idea what to do now, so I lean against the kitchen bench just staring at the back of Hudson’s head while he watches the news.

  How can you go from being the most comfortable you’ve ever felt and totally in love, to… this! It’s like we’re two strangers. Well, we might as well be. I exhale and decide there’s nothing else for me to do other than go and watch the television as well. I walk over and around the sofa and sit at the opposite end of where he’s sitting. We couldn’t be further apart if we tried. I look over at him and I notice him glancing at me sideways watching what I’m doing, but when he notices me looking at him his eyes focus back to the television. I frown and I feel like I want to cry, but my walls are back up and crying is for the weak. Hudson makes me weak, but I have to be strong when he’s around because if I’m not I will fall back into his arms only to be shoved aside.

  And I can’t let that happen.

  Not again.

  Just being in his proximity is hard and I can feel every ounce of my aching body crying out for him. The hairs on my arms are standing on end and I have no idea how to stop the urge to throw myself at him. My mouth opens and I speak before I have the chance to stop myself.

  “I miss you,” I say quietly.

  He turns and looks at me with a frown. “I miss you too.” My eyes open wide and my heart jumps into my throat. “But it doesn’t change anything, Vee,” he says causing my heart to plummet and puddle at my feet. I bring my feet up onto the sofa and I cuddle into myself. I nod in understanding as he exhales and then turns back to watch the television.

  I wonder if he’s feeling as completely shattered as I am?

  I feel like I need to sleep for a month to get over this feeling, whatever it is? I have so many emotions running through me right now. I want to call Angel and make sure everyone is okay, but Hudson didn’t let me bring my mobile with me. He said it could be traced to our location or some bullshit, I don’t know but either way I have no idea how my employees… no, my friends… more like, my family are going.

  I look over to the queen sized bed. Will he be sleeping next to me tonight? I hope so, I always feel safer in his arms. I stand up suddenly and walk over to our suitcases on the bed. Hudson watches me but doesn’t say anything. I open one of the suitcases and luckily it’s the one with my stuff inside. I pull out my pajamas and then lean down and pull off my top. I notice Hudson turn away and then stand up and start walking toward the door.

  “Hudson you don’t have to leave,” I tell him.

  He stops but doesn’t look back at me. “It just… it doesn’t seem right for me to watch you change your clothes.”

  “Seriously? You’ve had your cock inside me. I think you can handle watching me change,” I berate and he huffs and turns around and sits back down.

  I shake my head at him, he’s being ridiculous!

  I continue to get changed and he doesn’t turn around at all, not even a sideways glance, which frustrates the hell out of me.

  Doesn’t he find me sexy anymore?

  He used to love looking at my body, but now he doesn’t even want to be in the same room with me and I was only semi-naked. Well, I was only topless, but I still had my bra on. So yeah, I’m feeling really attractive right now… not!

  “I’m going to bed,” I announce.

  He looks over at me finally and nods his head. “I’ll sleep on the lounge,” he says and I can’t stop my bottom lip from trembling. I’m so close to him and yet I feel like we are worlds apart. I was hoping he would keep me safe and warm in bed. I just want to be near him, but he’s pushing me so hard I feel like I’m falling. I exhale and take the suitcases from the bed and place them on the floor. I pull back the covers and slide into the bed and take one last look at Hudson who’s still sitting there watching the stupid television. I huff and fold my arms across my chest like a disobedient child and lay awake looking at the ceiling.

  I’m not sure when I drifted off, bu
t suddenly I’m awake and it’s pitch black. The television is off and I’m a little cold in the bed all by myself. I bring my head up and look toward the lounge where I see Hudson’s figure. I feel safer knowing he’s here to protect me and I know even if he doesn’t love me anymore that he will protect me with his life. It’s in his nature and it’s also his job, so I know I’m safe. But I can’t help but feel so terribly and utterly alone.

  I wake up to the smell of bacon and toast. My eyes flutter open and I look toward the kitchen to see Hudson cooking breakfast. Slowly I get out of bed and quietly sneak up behind him and when I get right behind him, I reach out and wrap my arms around his waist embracing him tightly. He spins around with his tongs in hand and looks ready to hit me with them. I flinch and step back taking my arms from around him.

  “Jesus Vee, don’t ever sneak up on a man who’s here protecting you. I could have hit you in defense. You gotta think smarter than that, I thought you were someone else and I could have seriously hurt you. Just think next time…” he berates and I take another step back and nod.

  “Sorry, I forgot why we were here… just for a moment,” I say more meaning I’d forgotten we weren’t together anymore.

  He relaxes his posture and brings his arm down with a sigh. “I’m sorry, Vee. I’m a little on edge, I don’t want anything to happen to you, you know? Especially not on my watch,” he says taking a step closer to me.

  I nod and swallow. I’m not sure if it’s just me feeling it or whether he is too, but there’s a pulse in the air, it’s making it hard to breathe and the sparks shooting between us are almost visible. I feel like I’m being pulled toward him by some invisible magnetism and all I want to do is go to him and have him hold me, to stroke my hair and kiss my lips, but I know that won’t happen. So I take a step back and he furrows his brows and frowns.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you, Vee.”

  “I know, and you didn’t really it was more of a shock than a scare. I’m fine, I’m sorry I hugged you, that was inappropriate, you’re here for work and that’s all. I know that now,” I say and turn around and step over to the fridge to pull out some juice. I hear him exhale and then notice him turn back and continue cooking.

  I open the fridge to get away from the sizzling awkwardness that was the last minute of my life, only to find there’s hardly anything in the fridge.

  “There’s no juice?” I ask closing the door.

  He shakes his head without looking at me. “No, they only gave us the bare minimum, but I’m pretty sure someone will be along with some more groceries either today or tomorrow,” he states.

  I nod and walk over to the kitchen table and take a seat. “Hudson…” I say and then trail off.

  He finally looks around at me and raises an eyebrow.

  I exhale and rest my elbows on the table and my chin in my hands. “Do you think Mad Dog will find us out here?”

  He shakes his head. “Don’t even worry about that, Vee. We have men at the entrance of the property twenty-four-seven and I’m here with you. I won’t let anyone hurt you again, I promise. Plus, this place has been a safe house for years and no one knows about it. Trust me we’re fine here,” he says smiling while trying to reassure me. It works but only slightly.

  “Be careful, Detective Stone, anyone would think that you actually cared about me,” I murmur under my breath.

  He exhales forcefully and slams the tongs down on the bench making me jump. He walks over and pulls me up from the chair and wraps his arms around me tightly.

  I want to fight him.

  I’m still angry at him.

  Even though everything in me is telling me not to, my heart gives out and I wrap my arms around his waist while he nuzzles into my hair.

  “I will always care about you, Vee. Always… you got that?”

  I nuzzle into him as far as I can. I notice his heart is pounding against his chest where I have my head. My heart is racing just as fast as his. Being so close to him, feeling him against me again and being able to smell him, only reminds me of what I can’t have. He holds me closely and we stand here in silence and it’s not awkward at all, but I know it won’t last. This was a moment of weakness for him and for me. It’s like even though we’re angry at each other for how things turned out, we’re still drawn together and I love the feeling of being wrapped up in him. His big strong arms encasing me tightly is only making me want to stay here forever, but I know that won’t happen. The sparks flying off between us are igniting just a small sliver of hope inside my poor damaged heart, but I quickly push it aside as I don’t need to be broken by Hudson Stone for the second time. I lift my head up slowly and stare at his face. He looks down at me and I notice his lips part infinitesimally. He’s as affected by me as I am by him. He moves his face down slightly lower so our foreheads are touching and a wave of pleasure surges through me sending goose bumps all over every inch of my skin.

  “Vee…” he whispers and then closes his eyes like he’s in pain, and I know with that he is shutting down and that our moment will soon be over. Even though I want to stay in his arms, this is hurting us both so I slowly take my forehead from his and unwrap my arms from around him. His eyes open as I start to back away and he looks a little hurt. His eyes droop and he frowns as I step back completely forcing our bodies to separate from each other.

  We stare into each other’s eyes and we both know we just had a moment and that the love we share is still most definitely there, but that doesn’t change a thing and now we’re both standing here breathing fast and gazing at each other like we’re two souls that have lost each other.

  The bacon in the pan pops loudly making us both look toward the pan and break eye contact. I shake my head and sit back down at the table and Hudson exhales and looks back at me quickly and then makes his way back over to the pan. He turns his back to me and I feel like we’re back to giving each other the cold shoulder. I know more than anything I love him. I know he’s fighting his attraction to me and I know I’m fighting with the emotions in my head. I love him, more than anything and I know I want him back in my life, but can I ever really forgive him for the way he has treated me?

  I start to wonder if it really is worth fighting for? If he can turn against me so quickly and then try to hide his feelings from me, then is he really as invested in me as I thought he was? Sure there’s signs that tell me he’s still finding it hard without me. The moment we just shared. The fact that all my belongings are still at his house and haven’t even been packed away. The fact he still has our pet goldfish, and the way that he wants to make sure I don’t get hurt again. That too is a giveaway that he still cares.

  But does he care enough to want me back?

  Or is it just leftover emotions from a bad break up and he feels guilty for treating me badly? I don’t know, but the thing I need to figure out is whether or not I actually want him back if there is any chance of that happening. He broke me, and I don’t think I could survive it if he did it to me twice. So, if he’s willing to give us another go, am I really willing to put everything into him again just to have him get angry and break up with me over something else? And do I forgive him for all the nasty things he said? Yes, I know he was hurting. I know he was shocked when he found out while he was working and he had to maintain some sort of image, but really, couldn’t he have taken me aside and let me explain things to him? Couldn’t he at least have given me that one chance?

  “It’s ready,” Hudson says breaking me from my repetitive thought processes.

  He brings over my plate of food and coffee, placing them both down on the table in front of me.

  “Now eat up, you didn’t eat much dinner last night and I don’t want you fading away,” he says, purposely not looking at me, then turning and retrieving his own breakfast. He brings his over and sits opposite me. I swallow hard because I have no idea how I’m supposed to act around him now that we had that moment.

  “Thanks,” I reply and then pick up my knife and fork. I look a
t the bacon and it’s the streaky kind that I love so much and there’s a lot of it so I dig in and try to eat as much as I can without making myself sick.

  “So, there’s no point in us sitting here and not talking to each other, Vee. I know we’re not together and things are a little… strained between us, but I still care about you. How have you been? Really? Before this, I mean?”

  I look at him and half-smile. He’s right, there’s no point in us avoiding each other with awkward tension and longing looks across the room. We have no idea how long we’re going to be here for, so I may as well toughen the fuck up and act like a normal thirty-year-old.

  “I’m… okay. I’ve been staying at work, firstly in my office on the sofa, but then Angel said I should make up the spare room like a bedroom, so I did that and have been in there for a little bit before all this… happened,” I say pointing to my swollen and bruised face.

  He furrows his brows. “Why aren’t you staying at your home?” he asks and I don’t want to lie to him, so I just spit out the truth.

  “Because sleeping in my marital bed felt like I was betraying you and then I felt guilty for feeling that way. It was basically a nightmare being there, all the memories of what I had and have lost, my boys, my life as I knew it… you. It was all there as a reminder and I was fading away. I knew if I didn’t get out something bad would happen and I didn’t think I’d have anyone around who’d care enough to pull me out of the black pit I was wallowing in. So I left home and now I stay at work. Well, at least I did, until this happened,” I say and he takes a steadying breath while he looks at me with saddened eyes.