by Jo Sandhu
It was also a sad occasion for the clan. It was to be a farewell for Tarin, Luuka and Kaija. The reindeer hunt had shown Tarin that the clan would now thrive, but it was still a difficult decision to explain. The children especially didn’t understand. They loved the wolves and would miss them dearly. Little Eeli buried her head into her mother’s lap and sobbed. Even Ruva sniffed, before hitting Tarin sharply over the head when he reminded her there would now be fewer mouths to feed.
Tarin found it hardest to explain their decision to Yorv.
‘No more chance to hunt with Yarin.’ Yorv scowled at him. His injury still hurt and made him fretful. ‘Yarin stay. Stay always. Be Worj’s Clan.’
Tarin shook his head sadly. ‘I can’t,’ he said. ‘I promised Mammoth Clan. I have to finish my journey.’ He gripped Yorv’s shoulder and shook his friend’s arm. ‘I may be too late to help them, but I will keep my word and go to the mountain.’
Yorv nodded sadly. ‘Keep promise. Yorv miss Yarin.’ And he gripped Tarin’s arm in return.
‘But before I go, there is something I want to teach you.’ Tarin handed him the spear thrower.
‘Yorv cannot throw.’ Yorv pushed the thrower away impatiently. He had tried many times to walk unaided, each time falling awkwardly and hurting himself more. ‘Yorv cannot hunt. Yorv cannot walk.’ He spat in disgust and turned away, but not before Tarin had seen the distress in his eyes.
‘Not throw. Yorv make. Make spear throwers and spears for all clan. Yorv will be the Master Carver.’
Yorv turned his head to listen, although he still kept frowning. ‘Yorv make?’
‘For all the hunters. Yorv help keep the hunt safe.’
Yorv turned back to Tarin and looked at him thoughtfully. ‘Yorv keep hunters safe. Help clan hunt.’ He reached tentatively for the spear thrower and ran his hands along the smooth length of it. ‘Yorv put special mark on thrower. Special Spirit Mark. Will ask Ruva, and Lorv. Old ones know best Spirit Marks.’ He nodded, lost in his thoughts. Then a smile split through the lines of pain that furrowed his face. ‘Yorv Master Carver.’
Tarin sat cross-legged by the fire, all that remained of the Offering spread before him on soft reindeer hide.
A flint blade.
The amber bead.
The tooth of a massive cave bear.
He took the tiny bead of amber and held it in his hand. It glowed deep orange. Tarin turned it, watching how the reflections from the fire danced within. He imagined old Ilmi sitting with the bead in her ancient lined hand, smoothing it with coarse sand from the river and the passing of the years. It was a precious thing.
He put it down and picked up the cave bear tooth, the gift from Bear Hearth. He still remembered the day Jarmo had given it to him. It filled his hand and his fingers couldn’t quite reach the full way around. Another special thing, and prized by the Esi. Would the Mother refuse to hear him if he came to the Mountain without it?
He put it aside, and the flint blade. He had already used the blade, when faced with the dark shadows that were poisoning Kaija’s wound. Then, he had made his apologies to the Mother. He had explained his need, Kaija’s need, and he had felt she understood. But he was no longer sure.
The bloodstained snow leopard skin he had cut down and given to Novi for the baby. The spear and spearhead, the leathers, the food and the herbs were all gone. And the carved beads. He hoped Broda of Boar Clan had kept them safe. They had paid a heavy price for their freedom.
Tarin picked up the last item he held in his lap. It was an owl feather, the same feather he had found that night after the mammoth hunt. He stroked the feather and closed his eyes, and in his imagination he was once more cowering in the darkened corner of the earth-lodge, feeling the unfriendly eyes of all his clan upon him. He drew in a breath and he could smell the bone fire and pungent wormwood. The pounding drums filled his ears. The brittle fear filled his heart. Tarin almost sobbed.
That was the night he had been declared Haamu, and no one from his clan was to talk to him or help him or even acknowledge his presence for three long, dark cycles of the moon. It would have been a lonely and bleak Winter. That was the night he had found not only the owl’s feather, but also the courage to speak up and tell his clan he would take the Offering to the Mother’s Mountain. He had vowed before them all.
Tarin stared down at the little feather, amazed that something so fragile had survived not only blizzard and raging river, but his capture by Boar Clan and their frantic escape. It had survived and so had he. It nestled in his palm as his other hand stole to the owl pendant still hanging around his neck. How often had he traced the marks, the two downward curves, seeking comfort and reassurance? This same mark he now wore proudly on his arm.
He had journeyed so far since that day. His hands stilled. His breath quietened. There was something he could still offer the Earth Mother . . .
Return to me, Tarin. Let me look upon your face one more time.
He remembered his mother’s words, and his fist closed around the bone pendant. He sat with his thoughts and his memories and let the sounds of the cave wash around him. He was no longer Haamu he realised in surprise. That time had passed long since. But he had made a promise, to Mammoth Clan, to the Earth Mother, and to himself. He had promised he would go to the Mountain and offer the Great Mother their gift. But now, to complete one promise, he may have to break another. He tucked the feather into his tunic.
Yes – there was something he could still take to the Mountain and offer to the Earth Mother. He just had to be brave.
Rohk nipped his shoulder and rubbed himself against Tarin. Tarin scratched the large wolf around the jowls.
Rohk was bigger than his sister, and nearly full-grown. He treated Tarin and Luuka like his litter mates, wrestling and biting them. Kaija he held in more respect. He had chewed one of her soft boots one day and been sternly reprimanded.
‘Tarin, come and eat.’ Kaija knelt in front of him as he wrapped the amber and the flint blade back into the reindeer hide. She touched the back of his hand. ‘You don’t have to do that. The gift of the spear thrower is enough.’
Tarin nodded. They had talked of this many times. All three of them felt the need to repay Worj’s Clan for all they had done for them – the shelter over the bitter Winter, the food, the care, the friendship. Tarin knew the spear thrower repaid a great debt . . . but still . . .
‘I know,’ he said.
‘But you still want to give Worj the tooth?’
Tarin nodded. He found it difficult to explain, but while the spear thrower repaid a debt of simple survival, what Worj and the clan had done for him went far deeper. Worj had shown him he could be a hunter, a man. They had taken Tarin into their families and into their hearts in a way his own Mammoth Clan never did. He was no longer the weak, despised outcast he had been when first he set out on this long, arduous journey. He was different now. A man who walked straight and tall and unafraid. He bore the hunter’s tattoo, and he was respected. A simple spear thrower would never . . . never . . . repay what he owed Worj and his clan. To the day he died, Tarin knew he would believe that.
So he would give the cave bear tooth to Worj, and ask the Earth Mother to understand. He gripped the tooth and nodded to Kaija. ‘It is what I must do. It is gudni.’
Kaija watched Tarin stand. She knew his decision was made.
‘Gudni? What is that?’ she asked.
Tarin smiled and his eyes glowed in the way Kaija had come to recognise when he was thinking of his home and his family far away.
‘It is honour,’ Tarin said. ‘It is a debt of the heart that must be repaid. It is a vow and a binding promise. I once heard my father talking to Taavo of a man’s honour, but it was between only them. My leg was hurting that night, and I couldn’t sleep, so my mother sat with me in the darkness and the shadows, and I asked her about gudni. It was an old word, she explained, but it was part of being Mammutti. To be honourable is more important than life itself. It is as important as b
reathing.’
Tarin smiled at her.
‘That is why my promise to go to the Mother’s Mountain is more important to me than my life. Even if I have nothing to give, I still have to complete my vow. Kaija, have you thought which way we should go when we leave here? How far do we still need to journey?’
Silence fell between them and deepened. Across the cave, gentle sounds of food being prepared and fires tended washed over them, but Kaija was only aware of Tarin’s trusting smile and the great pit of misery growing inside her. Honour. It was fundamental to the Mammutti. How would Tarin ever understand the lesson she had learned from her own mother – that sometimes, to survive, you have to tell the story people want to hear.
Misery settled on her shoulders like heavy rocks. She couldn’t delay any longer. She had to tell him the truth now, while they were alone.
‘Tarin.’ Kaija stopped and took a deep breath. ‘I need to tell you something. Something important.’
Luuka had scolded her for days, and he was right. Tarin had a right to know how she had misled him.
‘Tarin . . .’ She licked her lips and they felt dry and rough. ‘When I first found you, I asked for your help. I needed you to help me rescue Luuka.’
‘You saved my life,’ Tarin said. He pushed the cave bear tooth into his waist pouch.
Kaija waved her hands, pushing his words aside. ‘I was desperate. I would have done anything to rescue my brother. But I couldn’t do it alone.’
Tarin nodded. ‘I remember.’
Kaija licked her lips again. ‘Do you remember that at first you said no? I had to get you to agree to help me.’ Kaija was speaking faster now, her words tumbling one over the other. ‘I had to. I would have done anything and said anything to rescue Luuka. He was all I had, but I shouldn’t have lied to you.’ She faced Tarin bleakly, wringing tightly clasped hands together. She braced herself for his look of hate.
‘You lied to me? When?’
For a frozen moment they stared at each other, then Kaija whispered, ‘When I said I could lead you to the Mother’s Mountain.’
Silence fell. Then Tarin moved, his feet stirring the dust on the cave floor. ‘You lied to me?’
Kaija pushed her shoulders back and looked him in the face. If he turned from her now, in anger or hate, she would accept that. She deserved it. But she would not hide from her actions. She searched his face for a clue to what he was feeling, but his eyes were blank and he stood very still.
‘You thought I wouldn’t help you save Luuka.’
‘You said you wouldn’t,’ Kaija said.
‘So you have no idea where we go from here?’
Kaija shook her head. ‘I had never heard of the Mother’s Mountain.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me before now?’ For the first time, Tarin sounded frustrated.
Kaija sighed and raised her hands in a hopeless gesture.
‘I don’t know. First, I was injured. And then we were snowed in and couldn’t leave anyway. I wanted to, Tarin, many times, but I just never quite found the words.’ Her voice faded away. ‘I’ll understand if you hate me, or you don’t want to talk to me.’
‘Or if I want to continue my journey alone?’
Kaija gasped. ‘You’d do that? No! You can’t go alone. You’d never survive.’
Tarin shook his head and looked away from her.
‘Tarin! You can’t go alone. Be sensible. No matter what I’ve done, we are clan now. We need each other to survive.’ She reached out to him, but Tarin moved away.
‘You say we are clan, Kaija. But how can we be? Clan trust each other. They do not lie. How can we be clan, Kaija, if you lie to me?’
‘Clan don’t lie to each other!’ Tarin felt his voice rise. Across the cave, Uva and Vana paused their cooking and looked toward them.
‘I had no choice.’ Kaija clenched her fists. ‘I would do anything to save my brother. I will do anything to save all my clan, and that includes you, Tarin. You cannot go on alone. You will die.’
Tarin almost growled. He knew she was right. He couldn’t go alone. He needed her and Luuka. ‘I would have helped you save him. You should have known that.’
‘How? I knew nothing about you.’
‘But you know me now, yet you still kept this to yourself. You didn’t think it would be important to me? And our plans?’
‘I didn’t want you to hate me!’ They were both shouting now, standing and glaring at each other. ‘I asked you for help. You said no.’
‘So you are blaming me?’
No!’ Kaija snorted in frustration. ‘I’m entirely to blame. I lied to you – yes. But I had reasons! You would have done the same thing.’
‘I wouldn’t have lied to you!’ Tarin raked his hair and glared at her. Then his shoulders dropped. ‘If it had been Saara in trouble and if I didn’t know you well, then yes. Maybe I would do the same. But I would not keep lying to you.’ That’s what hurt him the most, he decided. That all Winter, as he made his plans, she hadn’t trusted him with the truth.
Kaija bit her lip. ‘I can still find our way north. I know the stars to follow, to get you closer to Mammoth territory. We can maybe find other clans along the way to ask . . .’ She reached out for his hand. ‘I am sorry,’ she added softly. ‘Please forgive me.’
Tarin stood with his head down. A knot of sinew lacing his boots together was unravelling. He would need to fix that. He thought of all the work Kaija had put into repairing their clothes while he and Luuka worked on the spear thrower and a lump rose in his throat. They were an unlikely clan, thrown together by the great Earth Mother, and they needed each other. But more than that – the thought of leaving Luuka, Kaija and the wolves behind tore his heart.
He staggered as someone thumped his back from behind.
‘Loud voices. Bad. Spirits no like.’ Ruva thumped Kaija as well. ‘Food now. Stupid children.’ And she stomped away.
Tarin realised all of Worj’s Clan were assembling to eat, staring at him and Kaija with distressed eyes. Luuka and the wolves stood very still by the cave entrance. Tarin was unable to read Luuka’s expression because of the light behind him, but the wolves were puzzled and on alert. Tarin swallowed and nodded.
‘Let’s eat now,’ he said, and they turned and joined the queue for food.
After eating, the clan filed into the chamber at the rear of the cave. Tarin felt a lump in his throat as he made his way through the narrow corridor. He remembered the first time he had come here, when he was named as a hunter of Worj’s Clan and received his manhood tattoo. That seemed so long ago. His fingers trailed along the rock walls. That was the day his handprints had been added to the wall for the first time, and the day Roba had rubbed them away, giving into his fear and distrust. Since then, they had become friends.
That was also the first time they had heard Lorv’s music. It had been a tough Winter for the older man. Lorv was stooped now, and moved slowly. He had few teeth left, and he found it hard to eat, but he was still a fine musician. He held the bone flute to his lips and the beautiful, haunting music filled the cavern. Tarin felt his eyes sting and he hoped he wouldn’t cry. He glanced at Kaija and saw her cheeks glistening in the glow of the stone lamps.
The music faded, and Uva stepped forward. It was the right of the women to welcome new life to their clan. Her body was marked with red ochre, signifying the blood of life.
‘As Ice Mother fades and Summer sun warms the earth, it is the time of new life.’ She motioned to Novi, who came forward with her baby clutched to her chest.
‘What name you give to baby?’
Novi smiled proudly. ‘Baby name – Yaiya.’
‘Welcome, baby Yaiya, to Worj’s Clan.’ Uva dipped her fingers in a pot of ochre and placed a dot on the baby’s brow, chest and stomach. ‘Worj’s Clan is strong clan.’
Yaiya, unhappy that her warm swaddling had been removed, opened her mouth and bellowed. Her cries echoed around the chamber. The clan raised their voices in a chant, and Uva r
eplaced the baby’s wrappings. Novi held her close, and soon, her cries quietened.
Then Worj stepped forward.
‘Yarin, Luuja, Yaiya, say they must finish journey to mountain. We wish them safe journey.’
The clan murmured in agreement. Kaija’s shoulders shook and Luuka placed an arm around her shoulders. Tarin wished he could comfort her, too, but he was still angry with her. He turned his face away and listened carefully to Worj’s words.
‘Worj’s Clan always home. One day, come back, after long journey. Clan still home.’ Worj sniffed.
Tarin swallowed the lump in his throat and stepped forward.
‘Tarin feels great sorrow, here . . .’ He beat his chest. ‘Worj’s Clan home, but must finish journey.’ He dug into his tunic and brought out the cave bear tooth. The clan murmured in surprise. Excitement gleamed in Worj’s eyes. ‘Without Worj’s Clan, we would be lost and have no home over Winter. Worj’s Clan save us and make us clan.’ Tarin looked around the assembled faces. ‘We must go, but we leave you with the spear thrower, to help you hunt well and to help you hunt safely. Yorv is Master Carver. He will make the spear throwers and carve the marks of the Spirits on them, so your throws will be straight and strong.’
Yorv drew himself up proudly and the men patted his shoulders and murmured. Then Tarin continued.
‘Also, I give you special thanks. You have welcomed us as family and clan. We feel that in our hearts, and though we travel far, we will always know we are clan. From our Clan of Wolves to yours, I give you this cave bear tooth, and we say thank you.’
He placed the tooth in Worj’s hands and the older man folded his hands around Tarin’s. His hands were warm and rough and the eyes that gazed deeply into Tarin’s shone. The clan leader stroked the tooth reverently before passing it to Iva, who showed it to the rest of the clan.