by AE Rought
I looked at him, so handsome and desirable in the late November sun. My body screamed to be near him, to inhale his cologne and wrap his fingers in mine. It didn’t matter now. My angel in Wranglers was sporting some kind of horns under his Stetson. The savior had fallen from the pedestal I’d put him on, plummeted, rather, like Lucifer cast out.
Get a grip, Kally. I squeezed myself tighter. He felt he had a good reason.
I was being hard on him. Unfair in comparison to the generous, self-sacrificing treatment I’d received from him, from the Carlson family. Slade had saved me from a frigid death. He had cradled me when I cried. Hell, he’d even washed my hair. On a physical level, I craved the intimate closeness we’d found. My mind wailed for distance. How could I sift through all this when he was right next to me?
I’m sorry for being a grump ass. Those words hung on the end of my tongue, but when he turned the truck under the black metal, laser cut Fourth Moon sign, words of a different nature came out. “I want to go to Ilene’s.”
His head whipped in my direction, the brim of his hat cutting the shadows underneath the truck roof. Eyes wide, the sky blue plains of his irises were unnaturally large. Everything froze. The world stopped turning, my breathing seized, my focus narrowed to his face and the procession of shock across it. Every nuance of his visage changed when his jaw dropped. Blinking his eyes took forever, and then he focused his surprise into speech. “What?”
The same question echoed in my mind. What? I had surprised myself. I’d never entertained the thought. The truth slipped out while my mind was otherwise occupied.
At Ilene’s I could have the distance I needed to work through Slade’s lie and my emotions. He wouldn’t be around setting my heart to a pitter-patter and my mind into a tailspin. The ranch, its creature comforts and quiet beauty couldn’t seduce me. My voice had lacked conviction before. This time, it was evident. “I want to go to Ilene’s.”
“I was afraid you said that.” His gaze fell.
Slade was quiet longer than I expected, and the enamored part of me longed to stuff away my feelings and focus on his. I really wanted him to be happy. I just couldn’t be happy with him right now, and it hurt. I had to say something, soothe the wounds somehow. “Slade, I—”
He waved my words away, turning his head and sighing before he got out of the truck. I should’ve expected it. I hardly understood why I was hurt, so how could he? If the tables were turned, I would have been upset too. Cool winter air blew into the cab when I opened my door and jumped down. My boots skidded on the packed snow and I nearly fell over the orange tabby who had appeared the moment the Dodge shifted into park. The cat yowled and ran for the boot-free safety of the barn.
“Sorry, kitty.” Add a dash of embarrassment to the frustration I stewed in. I grabbed the second box from the bed of the truck. “Maybe we should talk about this.”
“Looks to me like the talkin’s done if you want to go to Ilene’s.” Slade peered into the shadows of the barn, where a pair of yellow eyes watched us and then he back-kicked the tailgate shut. “Let me get the box for you.”
“I’ve got it.” Impotent tears formed in my eyes, and I shuffled my boots across the drive to the front door without looking at the scenery or Slade.
He stepped in the foyer and turned his gaze on me. The rift between my rational self and the idiot reaction self tore wider still. Part of me was tempted to drop the box and run to him. The other part was ready to storm past and snarl. Clutching the box tighter to my chest, I fought the sob caught in my throat. A mix of emotions passed over his face. His hand raised toward me then balled tight on empty air. His fingers unfurled, and I did not fight when he took the box from me.
The sherpa lining of his jacket curled up and exposed his rear when Slade turned and stacked the boxes in the corner. My heart rate picked up, the increased pressure in my chest pushed against my ribs and my throat. Moisture shimmered in his eyes and his lip stiffened when he faced me. He inhaled and then closed the distance between us.
Collapsing against his chest, I inhaled his cologne and drew on the strength I’d come to count on. One arm encircled my back, and another hand cupped the back of my head, holding me in a fervent, aching embrace. Shudders ran through me, shaking tears loose. His cheek moved against my scalp when he spoke. “I am truly sorry for hurting you, Kally.”
“Me too.”
No lights burned in the house, shadows sat on the furniture and the fireplace had grown cold, even though a flame still blazed in me. I had fallen for Slade, which made leaving the Fourth Moon and my cowboy damned difficult, but necessary.
The tension left his arms, and face averted, I wriggled from his grasp. “I’ll go call Ilene.”
“And I’ll stay out of your way.” He stepped back and then headed for the stairs, bypassing the rack where he normally hung his hat.
Shaking, miserable, I dropped into the chair in the office and called Ilene. Steve answered on the second ring, and Ilene was quick to get on the line after he hollered about trouble at the ranch. “Kally? What’s wrong? Did Matt find you?”
“Well, hello to you, too, Ilene.” I sighed and she gave me a nervous sounding giggle. “Matt is not the problem. I don’t think I could handle him right now. Could I come to your house, at least for a while?”
Ilene knew me too well. “Oh, honey, did something happen between you and Slade?”
I sniffed back moisture in my nose and batted away useless tears. “Yeah…I guess.”
“Say no more. I will be in the Jeep and on the road in five minutes. Have your cell phone with you. I’ll buzz you when I’m on Highway 24 and getting close.”
A sob broke free from the containment system in my chest. “Thanks, Ilene.”
“Don’t mention it, sweetie. I’ll be there in a couple hours.”
“Okay. See you in a while.”
Silence lay in the ranch house thicker than a year’s worth of dust. I stood in the office doorway, surveying the place I’d grown to feel was home and planned on leaving. A soft voice whispered in my heart. No move is permanent.
Skirting the armchairs beside the fire I cast a look over the living room and the Christmas tree. Even with the lights off, it was the prettiest tree I’d ever seen. Decorating party memories flooded my mind—the fresh scent of pine, the ladies laughing, Slade kissing me. The passion, the emotion in our kiss washed up in me like a high tide. I leaned against the wall and let the torrent surge through me.
Empty in the wake of those emotions, I stepped on the cord switch and turned on the tree lights before climbing the stairs. I craved the light and happiness of the upcoming holiday. I could use a little Christmas. The lights twinkled in the shadows, a gentle beckon to take up my corner of the sofa and day dream about the coming holiday. I wasn’t going to sit. I wasn’t going to stay.
Cool air hunkered on the stairwell giving a sense of discomfort and the wood creaked beneath my feet when I climbed the long cold incline to the second floor. A suitcase sat in the hallway, in front of my door. Only one person could have put it there. My gaze trailed down the carpet runner in the hallway and stopped at the puddle of artificial light beneath the oak panel of Slade’s bedroom door. The bright light was the one he used to clean his guns, a task he told me he used to place some distance between himself and something upsetting.
I cried when I was upset. At least I did when I was alone. And those tears fell in my room, splattering the quilt and my clothes while I packed things into the suitcase. My butt held the case closed while I snapped the latches. The stuffed animals nestled into the bag of gifts for my nephews, and then I closed the door on the room not the memories. They haunted me down the hall and to the door where a new moment was burned indelibly in my mind.
The sound of Slade crying was unmistakable through the wood panel and distance lying between us. My heart ached for him and for me. Holding back tears, I knocked on his door.
“Just a minute…” Soft rustles filtered through the wood, metallic
clicks I was certain were guns and ammunition magazines being hastily packed away. His eyes were red when he came to the door, but he tried to make his voice light. “All packed?”
Awkward tension wavered between us. “Yes. Ilene should be here shortly.”
“Do you want me to come down with you? I could help with your luggage…”
“No, I think Ilene and I can manage. Thanks, cowboy.”
His voice was somehow hollow. “Don’t mention it, Miss Jensen.”
He could have slammed the door in my face. Hearing the formal moniker felt the same. My gut plummeted and a rubbery feeling flooded me. My voice was hardly a whisper. “See you around, Slade.”
“I’ll be here.”
I couldn’t walk fast enough to leave my breaking heart behind. It followed me down the hallway, into the foyer and returned to its place of torture in my chest. I paced the confines of the entry until Ilene arrived. Evening shadows cloaked the ranch, and I was grateful for Mother Nature saving me the misery of seeing the Fourth Moon’s beauty and then leaving it behind.
Snow crunched beneath the Jeep’s wheels when Ilene pulled to a stop by the front steps. Jumping from the driver’s side, she rushed around to open the tailgate. I closed my eyes, thinking through my decision one last time. No matter how I reasoned, I still came back to leaving the ranch. The familiar creak of the fifth step echoed through the living room and I knew Slade was on the staircase. Waiting for him to appear, to beg me to stay was fruitless. If he was there, he stayed out of sight. I whispered beneath my breath, “Goodbye, cowboy.”
The ginger tabby scurried to the driveway and wound around my feet in a constant procession of step-and-dodge while we loaded the Jeep. He had never been this persistent. He seemed intent on thwarting my departure. After the last bag was stowed, I bent down and stroked the kitty’s back.
A familiar silhouette shadowed the living room window. Tears welled and I wiped them away before waving farewell. He returned the gesture and, without looking back, I climbed into the passenger seat. Ilene slipped in behind the steering wheel with a pinched look on her face. “Are you sure about this, Kally?”
There was no room for questions. I was leaving, and I was leaving the man who held my heart behind. “Just drive, please.”
Ilene’s sofa was far from comfortable and fairly close to hell. The material was sage colored, scratchy tweed and smelled vaguely of Lysol and wet dog. Support bars prodded my back and legs, and the narrow cushions hardly gave me room to lie on my back. Lying on my side was a pipedream. Either my knees hung off or my butt did. I spent more time on the sofa trying to get comfortable than I did sleeping, and the last time I slept enough to dream, Ilene’s damn Pomeranian Tinker stuck her fluffy tail in my face.
Morning, a week later, found me achy and bleary eyed, propped in the armchair and covered with a blanket. Ilene shuffled through the living room, yawning and scratching her head. She stopped by the chair and ran a hand across my forehead. “G’morning, sleepy head.”
Good thing she didn’t say ‘good’. “Morning.”
“How’d you sleep?” The rumpled sofa held both of our attentions. “I see you ended up in the chair again.”
“Well…” I stood and folded the fleece blanket. Tinker’s hairs floated to the oatmeal-colored Berber and a small shudder ran up my spine. “Let’s just say the sofa is great to sit on.”
Ilene’s yesterday make-up gave her comical raccoon eyes when she pouted. “Aw, I’m sorry, hun. We’ll get an Aero bed until we can insulate the sun porch for you.”
Insulated sun porch? My empty gut dropped into the cushy pile of my bowels. Oh goody… “Let’s worry about it later, okay?” The last thing I wanted to think about was sleeping on the veranda, with the branches creaking on the glass and the funky wet smell currently inhabited the room. “What’s on the agenda for today?”
“Lots. Let’s start with some breakfast.”
Ilene’s slippers never left the floor when she walked into the kitchen. The bunny heads lolled from side to side with each shuffle. If I weren’t so damn tired I would have laughed at the bun-bun cha-cha. The coffee maker had started at 6 a.m. automatically, and a fresh pot waited. Steam from the dark Italian roast curled above two mugs of dark brew—one thing about Ilene’s, she had damn good coffee—which we took with us to the table. I buried my nose in the steam and willed myself awake. “Can I help you with breakfast?”
She cast a glance at the counter where dessert plates and wineglasses cluttered the white tiles. “How about we go out and grab something?”
“Works for me.”
“Deal.” She pulled a long draw off her mug. “I’ve got first dibs on the shower and then we can bug out.”
A copy of the Gillette News-Record lay loosely folded on the table. Ilene pulled the paper to her and opened it to the job listings. Sliding the paper at me with one hand, she swigged more coffee and stood. “Here, hun, you can look these over while I shower. Not saying you need to run out and get a job, but if you’re going to stay here you’ll want to get one soon. You’ll go crackers sitting in the house all day.”
“Very true.” I can only take two Pomeranians for so long.
Instead of leaving for the upstairs shower, Ilene did a perfect impression of Susan, standing behind me, scanning the paper. “Looks like there’s lots of construction and electrician openings.” We both knew those weren’t an option. Her fingers trailed down the page. “Here’s a promising one. ‘Hard working, dependable stylist, Monday through Friday nine to six. Apply with resume, including three references’. Too bad you gave up cosmetology school when you started dating Matt.”
Matt. My hackles rose. I had nearly forgotten about the bastard. “He fucked up a lot of things in my life in a short period of time.”
Ilene rubbed my shoulders and then stroked my hair, a perfect mini-Sue. “At least you got smart and left him. And time on Slade’s ranch brought you back around to the strong happy girl I always knew you were beneath the bruises.”
Did she have to mention the ranch? The familiar melancholy heartache spread through my chest. God, I missed Slade. I was a pathetic puppy, mushy and whiney without him. It only made me more determined to survive without him. Dependency was…dependency. I wasn’t going to be dependant anymore.
The phone ring jarred me from musing. Ilene picked it up, looked at the caller ID and then handed it to me. “It’s your sister.”
I took the phone and Ilene excused herself to go run out the hot water like she used to do when we were teenagers. I gave her a smirk and then answered the phone. “Good morning, Sue.”
Her voice had a not-enough-coffee tone. “Hi, Kally. How are you holding up?”
I looked over my shoulder, peered down the hallway in the direction Ilene had taken. Her blonde hair and swishy booty was gone. My sister was on the phone and I didn’t need to keep up the tough girl front. “I’m a wreck, Sue. I miss Slade, miss the ranch. Hell I miss the orange tabby cat.”
“It’s been a week, honey. Have you talked to him?”
“No.” The coffee washed out the melancholy taste in the back of my throat. “I dialed the ranch the other day. The line was busy.”
“And you didn’t try again?”
“No. Ilene and I ended up going to the store. What is this, Sue, the Great Sister Inquisition?”
She laughed. “I don’t have a wrack or thumb screws. But I think you should call him. God, he even called here just to ask if you were all right.”
I could have growled. “He called you, and he hasn’t called me? What’s wrong with this picture?”
“He wanted to make sure you were okay, and the one time he tried to call, the phone was busy.” Her tone was maternal. “Now, Kally, I don’t want to get your knickers in a knot, but I really believe you need to give the poor guy a chance. At least let him explain his side of things. Then maybe you’ll have a good reason to stay away, or a better reason to miss him.”
She was so sensible, and I hated
it. “I’ll think about it. Right now I need to find some clothes because Ilene and I are going for breakfast.”
“Fine, hun, get on with your day. Promise me you’ll think about what I said.”
“Okay, Sue. I’ll call him.”
I disconnected the call and then cast a look down the hall. Still no Ilene. She was an hour shower kind of girl. Drawing in a deep breath, I dialed the Fourth Moon for the second time in a week. The only answer was from the answering machine. Hope’s small blossom withered within. My hand shook and in a fit of foolishness, I hung up the phone. How stupid can I be?
The phone vibrated, ringing while I held it and debated on whether or not to call him back. The caller ID read Fourth Moon. The shivers in my hand grew to shudders and suddenly nervous, I closed my eyes and held the phone to my chest. What do I say to him? Do I ask for forgiveness? Ask him to explain what he was thinking? I raised the phone to my cheek, but my concerns died the moment Ilene appeared behind me and took the phone. She looked from the ID screen to me, with a savior expression on her face when she pushed the ‘talk’ button. “Hello?”
She looked at me and smiled while listening to Slade. I knew it was him by the suede tone coming through the earpiece. “Hi, Slade. No, Kally isn’t available right now. She’s in the shower.”
Her damp hair swung like over-cooked noodles when she nodded her head. “I’m sure our number did show up. I programmed the Fourth Moon’s number into our speed dial while Kally stayed with you, and I pushed the button accidentally when I tried to dial Steven at work.”
His voice faded away. Ilene’s features softened, and a sad shadow glowered over her eyes. “I am sorry, Slade. I’ll tell her you called.”
She turned to the wall and I missed her expression and his voice. “Of course I will. I think she’d appreciate it.” She paused. “Okay. Goodbye.”
Her shoulders slumped when she returned the phone to its cradle on the wall. “Slade wanted me to tell you he’s very sorry to have upset you, and would like to make it up to you, if you’ll give him the chance.”