by Shey Stahl
Beside me, Brody stood watching the boys putting heat in Axel and Rager’s cars.
Casten, Dad and Justin were on the track doing hot laps.
I couldn’t see Rager but knew he was around somewhere. It’d been a few months since I saw him and it never got easier. I may be married now but you never forget your first love. The one who broke my heart too. I doubt anyone knew Rager Sweet was my first love. I don’t even think Rager knows.
He might, but maybe not.
My attention was pulled to the pits around me and the hallow sound of sprint cars pulling off the track. Being in the pits at an Outlaw race is different than being at a NASCAR race. More laid back but just as busy.
Rager and Axel emerged from his hauler, both laughing and dressed in their racing suits. Tommy followed behind them and it appeared they were laughing at something he was telling them. More than likely inappropriate banter that’s best left to their set of ears.
Neither of them saw me, tucked behind Brody. Rager looked over at Brody, and then the other way. It wasn’t that they didn’t get along, it was that Rager didn’t talk much. He’s pretty quiet…a lot like me, always listening and observing his surroundings.
Dad, Casten and Justin all came in from hot laps at the same time, one right after another. The throaty pop as the engines surged caught my attention. I loved that sound.
Dad saw me and revved his engine as he came to a stop in front of the haulers.
I backed up slighting when a few fans gathered, two or three asking for autographs as soon as dad was out of the car.
To my left Tommy and Willie hopped on black 4-wheelers and pushed Axel and Rager onto the track for their hot lap session.
Mom came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me. She smelled like beer, methanol and her Victoria’s Secret perfume she always wore.
Smiling, I turned and hugged her, my arms wrapping around her delicate body. She had most certainly lost weight since Gray’s birthday party.
“You okay?” I asked, pulling back to look at her.
Hayden did the same giving my mom a once over. Everyone knew something was up but she denied it.
“Feeling great!” She wasn’t fooling me. From the corner of my eye, I saw dad to my left watching her, sadness present and that’s when I knew she wasn’t okay. The look at his face said it all.
The commotion of the second hot laps session ended and all the guys giving feedback made us girls move aside. I did sneak a quick hug from my dad and Casten and then found Dave beside Axel’s hauler smoking ribs. I’m pretty sure Dave was kept around only because he could cook. He was full of a shitload of dumb ideas and bad decisions and that’s saying something since he makes Tommy look like a saint.
“That smells fucking amazing!” Lexi said, opening the door to the smoker.
“Don’t touch that.” Dave slapped her hand away. “You’ll fuck up my process.”
“When will they be done?”
“Soon. Just don’t touch.”
Lexi glared, her dark eyebrows pushed together in a scowl. “Slap my hand again Dave and I’ll shove it up your ass.” He was actually taking this cooking gig to a whole new level…process, my ass. The smoker does all the work.
When the heat races begin Lexi and I went and sat in the stands. She’s was afraid she was going to chew someone’s arm off so we stopped by the concession stands and got some food and beer.
“When are you giving me a baby?” Mom asked, looking at me as we ate. Maybe it was the amount of food we were able to eat that made her think we might be having babies.
“Give you a baby?” I set my beer and stick from my corndog down. “You have three kids. And four grandbabies. Plenty of babies for you.”
“I know, but still…I feel like Nancy these days. I want more babies around.”
“You’re crazy.”
She was silent for a moment and then looked at me again. “So no babies?”
“No. Not anytime soon.”
Lexi sighed, her face resting in her palms as she stared at Abigale. “I want a baby.”
Uncle Spencer sat down right then and heard what she said. “The fuck you do.”
Spencer hated Brody. Could barely be in the same room with him. The last thing he would want was for his only daughter to have a baby with him.
My mom put her arm around Spencer. “Oh come on, big guy. Don’t be mean.”
He laughed it off but we all knew he was serious. He didn’t want Lexi having a baby.
When the heats were finished we went back down to the haulers and sure enough those ribs were ready. Naturally Lexi and I ate again.
“Those were some steep fines today.” Dad said, nudging my shoulder with his. He had his racing suit pulled down around his waist and a plate of ribs in front of him.
“Yeah, Easton’s pissed.”
“How’s E handling things?” he asked, knowing I wasn’t going to lie to him about it.
“He’s in over his head.”
“Yeah,” Dad nodded, “Tate mentioned he wasn’t sure if he could keep this up all season.”
“I don’t think he can. But the problem is that once he commits, he won’t quit.”
Dad laughed. “I know a few boys like that.”
Jack came running up to me right then, arms spread wide open completely covered in barbeque sauce and that crazy little grin he had that reminded me of Casten. Jack was Axel’s oldest son but for some reason he had Casten’s grin. Just like Grandpa Jimi. That kid was going to melt hearts at every race track just like Casten did growing up.
When he got to me, he gave me a full on all in hug that he was so good at. Another reminder that he was just like his uncle in every way.
Jonah came running up next wanting his hug too. Whatever Jack did, Jonah wanted to do.
Jacen, being nearly two and the youngest little boy of Axel and Lily’s, didn’t want much to do with me. He was a mama’s boy. Got along great with Casten. Common interests and all.
I sat there with Jack and Jonah for a moment and lost them to Casten who was sitting on the rear tire of his car, holding Gray. Jack and Jonah climbed all over the car with Gray like it was their jungle gym or something.
It made me proud and a little sad at the same time when I looked at Casten’s car and the number. 4.
There’s no one in the sprint car world that didn’t respect Ryder Christensen. That includes my dad.
But you could see it every time his eyes took in Casten’s car that he remembered his buddy. It’s been said that my dad, Ryder, Tyler, Justin and Cody made a mark on this sport that no other group of guys have made in a five year span. I believe that. Between the five of them they won over a thousand races in that five years and countless championships. They were all legends if you asked me.
The night moved along and before I knew it the boys disappeared for the pill draw and to talk with the fans before the feature.
I watched my parents before the feature where Dad was set to start second behind Rager. My dad’s arms wrapped around her small frame picking her up with a kiss that was full of intention. You could see it in their eyes. They didn’t care who saw, or was around, but the closed the door to his hauler.
We all knew what they were doing in there but after almost twenty-five years of marriage, everyone who knew them would say hot damn, good for them. You could be so lucky to have a relationship like my parents. Still going strong after a quarter of a century and millions of miles traveled apart and together.
Anybody who’s ever been to a World of Outlaws race remembers the first time they saw the 4-wide salute. Having been to so many myself, I don’t remember mine. Every one I see made me smile though. “Charlotte Motor Speedway, you wanted the best, we got ‘em four abreast, often imitated, never duplicated, the greatest show on dirt…the world of outlaws!”
The crowd cheered, as well as our family watching in the pit stands. My eyes were on that front row with Rager, my dad, Axel and Casten side by side. There’s two traits all
racers must have. Desire and persistence. All of these boys have it in abundance. This was their home and they knew it. They bled methanol and the thrill of racing on dirt regardless of where else they raced.
The race got underway fairly quick but the dry was glazed over and hard.
Bunch up in the top groove, there was no passing by anyone and Rager was lucky he got that number one starting spot. Most of the guys were lucky if they could keep it off the wall.
The all green main wasn’t even a contest for Rager who pulled away from my dad to a full straightaway lead to take the victory.
It was good to see him win and be happy. His wing dance got me, made me smile even wider seeing him up there beating on the wing and hearing the crowd roar to life for him.
I didn’t stay in the pits to celebrate knowing anytime spent around Rager like that wouldn’t be good. He’s a temptation I don’t need or want tonight. There’s too much history there and a level of comfort being in the place I love with the people I love. Yeah, wasn’t going to go there.
He had other plans though. I knew he saw me earlier in the night. I saw the glances before the feature race. He’d said nothing to me all night though. Until now.
Rager waited until I was alone near the merchandise hauler locking it for them before he approached me, beer in hand. The thrill of the victory made him brave. He was feeling good and full of purpose as he approached me.
He stopped when he got about a foot in front of me, his lips twisted into a half grin when he noticed that my eyes traveled down his body. Rager still looked good. Flushed cheeks, drink in hand, sweat soaked hair, dusty skin and a crazy grin that had panties melting at every dirt track around.
Jesus. Stop staring at him. I’m feeling like I could pant like a dog in heat just seeing him in this place. How is this possible? How does he have this effect on me because in my heart I know this reaction can’t be happening, shouldn’t be happening, will not happen without consequences?
Rager’s eyes were on mine as he took a drink of his beer. “You still married?”
My eyes went to my ring.
“Yeah.”
Rager gave a nod, one I knew pretty well. If there’s anyone I can read, it’s Rager Sweet. In fact, he knows me probably better than even Easton does. Sad to say, but true.
He moved closer to me. Keeping my eyes on his, I watched his every move. I remembered how he kissed, just like his racing style. On the edge and out of control.
Seeing Rager wasn’t a good idea right now. Not with how I was feeling.
Too young, too late, we’d never have this, I think I knew that.
Did I want something with Rager?
Yes, I did. I’ve always had feelings for him and I would never say I settled for Easton because that wasn’t the case at all. I wanted to marry Easton. I still want to be with him. But feeling Rager this close to me brought back those memories in full force. Even when I’m a lap down, he’s there, just on the edge giving me that glimpse at the beneficiary rule. There’s always a chance to get your lap back.
“My feelings for you won’t go away, Arie. I don’t think they ever will.”
I didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything. He leaned in closer.
“What would Easton do if he knew I wanted to kiss you in front of everyone right now?” his voice was strained, as if it took a lot to ask that question.
“Have you ever seen Easton lose his shit before? He’d have something to say to you about that.”
Something in the way he looked at me right then unnerved me, made my skin tingle and my breath hitch. Rager nodded and turned, his arm brushing against me as he took a drink of his beer further angling his body away from mine. I heard him suck in a deep breath and then slowly let it out. Walking away, he stopped when he got to the side of the hauler and looked over his shoulder at me. “Well, he’s not here and I am. Maybe I don’t care what he’d do. I’d take the blame, baby. I’m the one dying. You keep looking at me like you have been tonight isn’t something I will ignore again. Keep that up and you and me will definitely be discussing this further.” He turned and strutted away like he knew something wasn’t right with me and Easton.
Was I that obvious?
Of course it was fucking obvious.
This level of dread started settling in my chest. I’d have to keep my emotions in check a little better.
His remarks were exactly what I’d expect from him though. I thought maybe he would have said more, or even actually kissed me. Thank god he didn’t, I’m not sure how I would have explained that to Easton. More importantly, I’m not sure how I would have reacted and that had me more concerned than the possibility of Easton finding out.
Brody and I rode back to the pits of the speedway in silence. I wondered if Brody overheard that interaction with Rager. I doubted he did but if anyone had seen it, they’d more than likely think something was going on between us. When there wasn’t. At least there shouldn’t be.
Driving through the pits, the excitement behind the Coca-Cola 600 hasn’t changed over the years. My parents got together at this track, my dad’s won more races than I can count here but I wasn’t feeling the excitement after that run-in with Rager. Even with the devoted fans all tailgating and having a good time, it wasn’t the crowd I wanted tonight and planned on sneaking back home tonight. I felt like I had something to feel guilty about when I knew that I didn’t but I just felt weird and knew I needed to be by Easton’s side.
Charlotte is a home track for most drivers, including Easton. Our house was only twenty minutes from the track but E was staying here this weekend since he was racing tonight.
When I got back over to the track, I saw Easton in the motor coach dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with his phone in hand.
He didn’t do well in the Nationwide race, finished twenty-fifth and I knew he wanted to blow off some steam.
“Did you have fun?”
“Yeah…it was nice to see everyone.”
He gave me a tense nod. “I’m going out.”
He could tell immediately I was pissed.
Easton’s like any other guy. He has faults and moods that rub me the wrong way. I do that same thing. Some days I can handle his moods. I can handle the heat. Other days I can’t.
“You’re gonna do what you want anyways.”
“Jesus,” he groaned setting his phone on the counter and scrubbing his hands over his face. “Just fucking talk to me. If you don’t want me to go, say something.”
“What would it matter? If I tell you to stay, you’re not really here anyways. I do talk to you. All you hear is racing.”
“So kind of like you missing a race of mine to go see Rager race?”
Easton’s not stupid. He’s always had an inclination that I felt something for Rager. He’d never flat out asked me about anything that happened with him though. I doubted he would.
I closed my eyes, wanting him to just leave. It would be easier.
As if he knew, he motioned toward the door. “I was going to have a beer with Jacob and Brody in the pits.”
I didn’t say anything to him. It wouldn’t matter if I did. He would have gone anyways. At least I had it in my head he would. Maybe he wouldn’t had I said something.
“Are you…staying?”
“Here?”
“Yeah. At the track.”
I shook my head reaching for my bag beside the couch. “I’m going to head home.”
“You’re not staying for the race tomorrow? It’s almost midnight.”
I had to laugh, it’s too late for me to drive home but not for him to go have a beer. Nice. “I have some things to do at home. I’ll be back in the morning. And what does it matter if I drive home? You’re going out.”
He gave a nod, I doubted he even heard what I said, and then looked at his phone when it vibrated. “So I’ll see you in the morning then?”
“Yeah.”
Why did I come back here? Out of some sort of misplaced guilt over an interaction w
ith Rager and look what it got me…a fight with Easton and another night by myself. Basically, par for the course as this was pretty much my life lately. Fucking great.
And then he was gone. Part of me wondered if it was really just Jacob and Brody in the pits drinking and who they were drinking with. Knowing Lexi went back to Mooresville with Casten and Hayden, it probably wasn’t. Brody wouldn’t cheat on Lexi but he wasn’t exactly all eyes on her kind of guy. She knew that though.
The drive to Mooresville isn’t long but it was nice to have some quiet. When I got to my parent’s place Dad was out on the dock in the dark. I saw the lanterns and realized he must have been trying to relax. Part of me didn’t want to bother him but the other part wanted to make sure he was okay. When I got down there I noticed his phone connected to the small portable speaker beside him as country music flowed. He was laid back on a lounge chair, beer in hand and hat pulled down over his face, his legs kicked out in front of him. From the looks of the ten longnecks beside him, he’d been out here a while.
“Are you okay?” He sat up slightly when he noticed me.
His eyes squeezed shut as he shook his head. “I’m fine.”
He wasn’t fine but you don’t question my dad. If he wants to talk he will. You push and you’ll piss him off.
I’ve always felt comfortable around my dad. I’ve never had to guess where I stood, how he felt or what he thought of me. He’d tell me. What I wanted to know, and what I assumed was bothering him was my mom.
“Mom’s sick … isn’t she?”
Dad gave the lake a contemplative stare, almost hesitant as his eyes wrinkled at the edges. He didn’t answer, only gave a nod.
I felt the sharp pain in my chest but didn’t ask more, I wasn’t sure I could take knowing. Not today. I understood why he didn’t say anything either. He couldn’t. He’d break down if he said the words aloud.
His eyes went misty as he stared at the lake, so lost and sad, just unbelievably sad. I heard him sniff and wipe his sleeve over his face.
I’ve seen my dad cry twice. After he was released from the hospital I found him sitting on the kitchen floor with a bottle in hand, crying. The next, my grandpa’s funeral.