by Shey Stahl
After the green was waved, Rager jumped out to an early lead. Much like dad’s run at River Cities last night, Rager dominated that all green feature. I found myself captivated by his driving style that night.
There’s times when you know a driver is confident in himself, his car and the set-up. He’s found the line he’s been searching for and he’s hooked up. He’s driven to win.
That was Rager tonight. The track had that glazed over look but appeared to still have two lines working and kicking up a cloud of dust that hovered in the night. It was still so hot that once the dirt hit your skin it stuck there. I had the hood of my JAR Racing sweatshirt up with sunglasses on, as did everyone else.
It was clear in those early laps no one was going to be a contender against Rager. I could see Lane smiling, watching his every move. They worked so closely together these days it was easy to say that Lane took just as much pride in a good handling car as Rager did in winning with that car.
Rager has a nickname “The Sweet Spot,” that he’s had ever since he first ran quarter midgets and it’s stuck this entire time.
When I heard the announcer say it, the name sent the same thrill through me as the first time I heard it. I don’t know why, seeing Rager race and being in this moment at a dirt track with the dust billowing around me just had me feeling a bit melancholy about how things could have been different, not that my life with Easton was bad or that I regretted marrying him at all but I just can’t get past seeing Rager here, in this place, with my family all around.
“Why do they call you The Sweet Spot?”
“I can find the sweet spot on any track, baby.”
He could too. And he wasn’t talking about a race track. I knew that very well from the night in his hauler when I was sixteen.
Dad was side-by-side in the corners with Rager but couldn’t get past him and Rager managed to pull off the win.
After Rager took the checkers, he pulled down onto the front stretch just as my mom, Tommy and I stepped onto the track. It took Rager a minute to get out but when he did, he gave me the sight I was looking for. Same thing dad did the night before. The wing dance. Standing on the roll bars he beat his fists against the wing provoking the stands in an uproar.
The track announcer approached him when he got down there, Lane and him hugging along with Logan and Dave giving him high-fives. “You dominated the entire night, Rager. How’d you keep the boss man behind you in those closing laps?”
“I love this track.” Rager said, his eyes glowing and lit by the track lights. I felt my heart beat a little faster looking at him now. His hair matted and sweaty, his face flushed with the exertion and that spark in him so present you couldn’t help but stare. “I can run up top or down low. It don’t matter.”
“So you found that sweet spot?”
Rager threw his head back and laughed. His eyes flickered to mine but didn’t linger. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
Dad came up to him congratulating him on the win, as well as Casten and Axel. I stayed back near the fence watching afraid if I went over to Rager right then, I might do something stupid. Like kiss him in front of my parents. Staying near the fence was a better idea.
“So you couldn’t get past this big guy here, could ya?” the announcer asked dad.
“He found the rubber before I did.” Dad said, giving Rager a hug with one arm. “I should have moved down sooner than him. I made too many mistakes and bounced off the wall I don’t know how many times.” Dad laughed, shrugging. “Just wasn’t my night.”
Rager leaned forward and took the microphone. “This win goes to Sway.” He swung his arm around my mom who approached them and kissed her cheek. “You keep this entire operation going, for him, for us.”
Rager doesn’t talk much publicly and to hear him say those things about my mom was tear worthy.
We were all driven to make sure she knew how we felt and hopefully she did. She said something to Rager but I wasn’t sure what. I wouldn’t ask either. It was between them. Dad heard, smiling at Rager and then reached over to hug him.
I’ve celebrated wins with Easton. And I’ve celebrated wins with Rager too. Both share one common trait. They get touchy-feely and, well, horny. Maybe it’s all the adrenaline and testosterone that drives them to get into something that can kill them. Either way, Rager was far more forward even with my family there.
My parents didn’t stay long, they took Gray with them and left us at the track to celebrate in the pits.
And we did. It seemed like that was all I was doing these days. Getting drunk, avoiding my life and flirting with someone I shouldn’t be.
Axel and Lily left with the boys leaving me with Casten, Hayden and the rest of the boys in the parking lot of the track. We had a few chairs set up outside the hauler drinking beer when Rager gave me a head nod. “Come over here.”
I did. I fucking did without question. Rager watched my every move as I walked toward him, his eyes shamelessly traveling the length of my body. His eyes were on mine as he took a drink of his beer. I knew that look. I wanted that look for someone and I was getting it. A look that told you they’d give their breath just to feel yours on their skin.
When I got to him, he smiled. “Here.” He patted his lap.
“That’s not a good idea.”
Rager leaned forward, his hand that wasn’t holding a longneck reached for mine. I felt the intensity when he touched me and sighed, hating but loving that rush. “No one around here cares what a good idea is.”
He pulled me on his lap and tapped the bill of my World of Outlaws trucker hat gesturing toward my brother and the boys. “They’re too far gone to care.”
“What if I care?” I asked finding his eyes. I wished I hadn’t. They always made me think what I shouldn’t.
“I don’t think you do.” He relaxed into the canvas chair he was sitting on and pulled me closer, his right arm wrapped around my waist with his fingertips touching the exposed skin where my shirt has slipped up. “If you did care…you wouldn’t be here right now.”
He had a good point.
Something happens to me when I start drinking. I’m sure it happens to most but I lose my sense of morality. I don’t think. I drink and then shit just happens. It’s why I fit in with these boys so well. And essentially how we all formed this bond we have.
My problem was mostly that while on Rager’s lap, I drank three beers and then got my phone out.
You should never use your phone when drinking. I made that rule when I was younger but I always seemed to forget it.
“Take a picture with me and the sweet spot!” I yelled to Rager. I wasn’t sure why I was yelling because I was in his lap, but again, drinking me equals someone else entirely. This was easy though. The drunker I got, the easier it was to forget everything that had been going wrong and be in a moment where tomorrow didn’t matter. Tonight mattered.
Rager wasn’t any better and whispered in my ear, his voice so low it made me shiver. “I’ll show you the sweet spot, baby.” His hand that was still around my waist moved slightly as he pulled at the waistband of my jeans, his index finger running over my heated skin.
With a nervous edge pulsing through my body, I snapped one selfie of us looking at each other right then. After that, I turned and pressed my cheek to his and snapped another one. I didn’t look at them but instead placed my phone in the pocket of my jeans.
With our heads still pressed together, he turned his head, his lips pressed to the side of my face.
“Do you think of me when you’re with him?” The way he asked the question was seductive. It was meant to be. He wanted my mind to go there, the deeper darker parts that did think of him and what he was to me, what he could do to me. “I saw your eyes when I said sweet spot.”
“I do think of you.” My admission was spoken in a whispered breath, but also felt when he pulled back and my eyes met his. “Do you think of me?”
He smiled and drew me close, his arms wrapped around my waist, his
lips were at my ear. “Darlin’…” he drawled out the words, his voice rough with what felt like need, “…every day. And it only ever gets me in trouble.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not mine to think about like that.”
Why did he have to say that? Drunk me took that as an all-out invitation to seduce the one person I shouldn’t be seducing. And me sitting on his lap, tonight, when there were no barriers to prevent the pent-up passion we’d kept under wraps for more years than I cared to remember, yeah, this was so not a good idea. We had too much history, too much longing that I knew in a small recess of my mind that this was wrong. Yet, in this moment, Rager and I felt so right. I did the only thing I could think to do, I scooted closer to him and whispered in his ear.
“But I’m here now…” my words were left hanging because did they really even mean anything besides that I was here. I wasn’t his. In my mind, I wasn’t anyone’s but I did want what I had right then. I wanted that feeling he gave me. The feeling that had me wanting to laugh. The slow kissing feeling like nothing else matters but the moment where you’re so far into that desire, nothing else matters – and might not ever again.
In the Draft – This refers to a car drafting with other cars.
I kept looking through those photos on my phone knowing I should have deleted them. It was wrong to have them, right?
I couldn’t delete them though.
Instead I sent the one of him kissing my cheek to him.
Was that crossing the line?
Would I have been upset if I saw photos like this on Easton’s phone? Or texts like this?
Yes. I would. I’d be fucking pissed.
I ended up sending Easton a text letting him know about my mom’s party tonight, feeling like I should invite him.
Nothing more was said between us. It hurt that both of us were so distant and neither one of us willing to do anything to change it. Since he left the house that day, he was even more distant.
Mom’s party was today so we had to use Hayden and Lily to take her shopping. Originally it was just Hayden taking her. For good reason Casten warned us Lily should go along and joined forces. They ended up taking the boys and Gray with them and went to the zoo instead which worked out perfectly because it gave us the entire day to get everything ready at the house.
I picked up Andrea and Van at the airport. We rushed back to the house to wait for the caterers to arrive.
It was really good to see Van and Andrea. Dad still owned Grays Harbor but Van and Andrea had taken over as the track promoters. It kept them busy since Van wasn’t needed much as a bodyguard these days. Although he had been to every championship banquet with Easton and me so far. Probably for good reason.
“How’s Easton doing?” Van asked on the way to the house. He always liked Easton. Probably because he was the one decent guy I had chosen and Van didn’t have to worry about me with him.
“He’s doing good. Pullin’ triple duty this year and it’s definitely wearing on him.”
Van nodded. “Yeah, that’s probably not easy but if the kid can pull it off, hell yeah!”
The conversation casually shifted to mom, as I knew it would with each arriving guest. I hated the feeling it gave me when they said her name, like she was dying and it was the last time they would see her. I didn’t want to think that.
“How’s she dealing with it?” Andrea asked from the backseat.
“She seems good.” Our eyes met in the rearview mirror. “It’s dad who’s taking it hard.”
Andrea understood that. She’d lived through this herself. Not breast cancer but she dealt with a loved one having cancer. She had to watch my Grandpa Charlie die from brain cancer twenty five years ago. It wasn’t easy from what I’ve been told.
I hadn’t seen my dad all afternoon and neither had Casten and Axel. They were helping with the stage, as well as the other JAR Racing boys. Even Rager.
I watched him for a minute remembering last night. Our stare lingered and he winked at me, a simple gesture but a reminder of what he said and how he treated me.
For the first time in a while, it wasn’t the victory someone was celebrating. It was just a moment together.
I could tell Rager wanted to come up to me but his stare went to my brothers and I knew he wouldn’t. After a victory, it’s different. There’s that adrenaline fueled behavior where you say and do what you want because you’re celebrating. You’re high on the win.
Right now it’s not that at all. There’s no liquid courage or adrenaline fueling this moment. There’s only consequences. I doubted anyone cared if we talked but Rager did. He was always cautious.
It was me who approached them first, using the excuse that I was looking for dad. Which I was, but it was more to see how Rager would act and if he would say anything about the photo I sent him this morning. We exchanged a smile, but I diverted my eyes when I felt my cheeks flush.
“Have you seen dad?” I asked Casten who was near Rager hooking up the sound equipment for Grayson and Dylan.
Grayson hopped down from the stage and tipped up his gray baseball hat for a better view. He was dressed in a red and black flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up and faded jeans. Though he had darker hair, he definitely resembled Aiden is some ways.
He held his hand out to me. “Thanks for inviting me.”
“Thanks for coming. I really appreciate you guys coming out on such short notice.” I looked at Dylan approaching us with a microphone in his left hand.
He smiled as well, reaching for my hand. “You must be Jameson’s daughter, Arie?”
“Yep, that’s me.”
His smile grew. “I met you once before but you were like five so you probably don’t remember me.”
“I have a horrible memory.” I wasn’t lying. I did. Unless it was Rager. Fucking memory stealer. My eyes flickered to his, he was watching me and my interaction with Grayson and Dylan but saying nothing. No indication of what he was thinking at all.
Axel called Grayson and Dylan away so I went back to asking Casten where dad was.
Casten looked around, an extension cord slung over his arm. “Nope. Last time I saw him he was heading down to the track with Tommy and a bottle of whiskey.”
“He better not make this night shitty for her.” I would totally punch my father tonight. I would.
“He won’t, trust me. Just give him some time alone today. He’s struggling.”
That I knew and Casten was right. He needed to be alone.
Casten turned around to help Harrison and then Axel. I stood there pretending to look at my phone, only I was seeing if Rager was actually going to come over.
And he did. Surprisingly.
“Thanks for the picture.” His voice was low and soft. “I did save it.”
“I bet you did.” I teased, looking up to smile at him.
His faded when he saw me smiling. “It’s like a fucking knife to my chest when I see that.”
“See what?”
Rager looked around, and then touched his index finger to my lips. “Seeing you smile…”
“Why?”
“Because I can make you smile. I want to be the one who always makes you smile like that.”
That afternoon passed in a blur and before I knew it, it was nearly time and we were waiting on mom to get there. I’d been inside with the caterers so I hadn’t seen everything Emma had done outside yet.
When I stepped outside I gasped at the sight before me. Their backyard had been turned into a party for sure. In the field was the stage, lit up with lanterns and hanging white lights. There was more floating lanterns in the pool and decorations everywhere you looked.
On the stone patio was where the food tables were set up with more tables and chairs scattered around.
Aunt Emma rocked that party for mom and made it everything we hoped it would be for her. A few minutes before they were going to bring mom down, I saw my dad for the first time today. He was already shit-faced with Tyler
and Justin.
“Don’t punch anyone tonight. For mom.”
“I’m perfectly calm.” Dad shrugged drinking straight from the whiskey bottle in his hand.
“Stop watching The Big Lebowski.”
He shrugged again. “It’s a good movie.” Looking at Tyler beside him, he nodded.
I poked him in the chest. “Behave.”
He rubbed the spot but smiled bringing the bottle to his lips.
“What are you going to sing?”
Dad smiled looking at Dylan and Grayson, who found him. “All her favorites.”
They disappeared to the stage and looked over playlists.
Dad has always been a blues fan and it’s well known his love for The Black Keys. I bet they played a good variety for my mom’s party. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to see her reaction to this big soiree in her honor.
They walked away and I scanned the field trying to make sure everything was in order before mom came down. Grandma had her upstairs and was distracting her with who knows what.
Gray was obsessed with the stage. Her and Jacen both. He would rip the cords away from the speakers and she’d put them in her mouth. Stupid kids. Casten noticed and took a spray bottle over to her and sprayed her in the face.
“Did you just squirt her in the face with a spray bottle?” I asked, not believing what I just saw.
“Yes.” He looked over at me like I was stupid as he brought a red cup to his lips. “So?”
“She’s not a cat.”
“It worked. Look. She’s not touching it anymore.”
I took the spray bottle from him and squirted him in the face. “How does it feel?”
He licked the water off his lips. “Actually, very refreshing. It’s hot out today.”
“I should report you to the Department of Children and Families for child abuse.”
“Parents are supposed to be teaching their children life lessons…this is just another example of me teaching her an important life lesson. What if she kept reaching for a hot stove? Don’t worry, sis, I got this shit!”