by Shey Stahl
He laughed, a gentle chuckle that shook the both of us. “Damn. I missed it…”
“In my dreams.” I clarified twisting around to look at him. “I had sex with you in my dreams.”
“Oh, well,” he drew in a deep breath. “I’ve been there before. I say give me details but that’s probably not appropriate right now, huh?”
“Probably not.”
We were both quiet for a moment when he said, “Tell me your favorite memory of her.”
I smiled knowing what he was doing right now. He was distracting me but also, helping me look at the good things in this life. I twisted back around and relaxed into his chest. He kept his arm firmly around me as I spoke. “Christmas morning when I was twelve. I wanted tickets to a concert…hell, I don’t even remember the concert but dad said I couldn’t go. She went out, got the tickets and gave them to me for Christmas. My dad was pissed but he understood when he saw how excited I was over it. She never thinks about what others will think. She just focuses on one and makes them feel like they’re appreciated. I don’t even know how she does it. It’s natural for her.”
Rager’s lips pressed into my temple, his breathing light and easy. “You’re like her in more ways than you’ll ever understand.”
Was I?
Did everyone else see it and I didn’t?
“I’m tired.” I said, snuggling into him closer. This probably didn’t look good, but he was what I needed right now.
“Well, I’d say lay your head down in my lap but that’s probably not a good idea.” He teased, winking at me.
Mom was out of recovery early Saturday morning. Casten had found Rager and I in the hallway but never said a word about it. I think the day had gotten to be too much for him.
We let mom rest that morning, the only one in her room was dad. Axel, Casten and I couldn’t leave though. We ended up falling asleep in the waiting area.
Axel, Casten and me always pulled together when needed. When Axel wrecked and had a bad night racing, we were there. When I chose shitty guys, my brothers were there to catch me.
When our parents were struggling, we were there in case they needed anything.
Around seven that night they let us go in there.
She looked good, cheerful almost but I think it was the pain medication talking.
Dad was sitting next to her and tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. She smiled at him.
“Wait a second…” Mom looked at dad’s hand reaching for it. “What happened to you?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit.”
He handed her a package of Skittles. “Want some?”
Mom rolled her eyes but took the Skittles.
Alley, Emma, Aiden and Spencer had come in there too when Emma asked how she was feeling.
“I feel great. And they look real!” Mom said.
I knew where that was going. The medication was making her loopy.
My brothers did too and immediately walked out when mom pulled the blanket down. Before anyone could stop her, she showed her boobs.
Dad was pissed. “What. The. Fuck?”
“They’re not real.” Mom defended looking down at them. I peeked, I was curious, but then shook my head laughing.
“I don’t give a shit!”
Spencer and Aiden both stared only to be knocked to the ground by dad trying to obscure their view.
Alley and Emma had their hands on them.
“Damn, these babies seem so real.” Emma said.
“I told you.” Mom grinned.
Dad wasn’t impressed at all. But he was there holding his hands over Spencer and Aiden’s eyes.
I couldn’t stop laughing. It was the pain medication talking and I had a feeling when she woke up from this, she’d be mortified.
Sonic Testing – A sonic tester uses high frequency sound energy to measure thickness of a cylinder wall. A cylinder wall that is too thin will flex too much during the bang cycle of an engine and allow excessive blowby which causes decreased power output from the engine.
They only kept mom in the hospital a few days and then she was able to come home.
When she did, the house was constantly full of people. Dad and her stayed upstairs for a few days. Me or one of the boys would take food up there but she needed to rest and he wouldn’t leave her side for one minute.
I couldn’t blame him for that. She was in a lot of pain and even sitting up, rolling over, going to the bathroom required his help. He needed to be her rock right now, we all understood that.
Emma and Alley hardly ever left. Between them and Rosa there was an endless supply of food. I felt like I gained ten pounds in one week.
Hour after hour people came by and showed their support for our family.
I loved seeing this, and being there for her and everyone else. It felt homey. Then it got me thinking what if I hadn’t come home? Would she have told me and wanted me to be with her during this time?
She probably would have though, being with her this last month has been unreal, something I never imagined it would be. I’m not sure if she needed me here, but I certainly needed to be here for her and for myself.
Willie, Tommy, Rager and I were in the kitchen, drinking and eating all the food everyone brought.
“Not that I want anyone to get cancer, cause it sucks, but damn, this food is so good.” Tommy said, stuffing his face.
He wasn’t lying. It was good.
Axel and Lily had just left taking the boys home around ten that night and Casten and Hayden were thinking of doing the same but couldn’t find Gray.
“Where’s Gray?”
“How do you keep losing her?”
Casten threw his arms up. “She’s tiny and it’s a big house.”
We took off looking for her only to find her in bed with my parents watching a movie, her hands tucked behind her head.
Mom appeared to be asleep so I motioned to Gray and then the door trying to see if they wanted us to take her.
Dad shook his head and winked letting Gray cuddle up to him. The image was enough to break my heart, or, heal it. It felt at times like this, that nothing would break them.
I remembered countless nights of my dad holding me like that when I had nightmares or just needed to be close to him at night. My own living, breathing security blanket.
I think kids brought an easiness to the situation. The adults bring so much heartache, memories and guilt…but a child doesn’t see that. They see it for what it is.
Kids don’t understand sadness. They don’t know any different and they shouldn’t.
When you’re sad as a child you just look for ways to be happy.
Jack and Jonah were tormenting Racer, Casten’s black Lab, while Gray and Jacen were thriving on the attention of everyone. Then there was Abigale sitting pretty in her dress making sure not a single drop of her cookie got on her clothes.
Just like all of us, they all had very different personalities and it showed.
When I was finally able to relax, my thoughts were on Rager beside me because he’s simply him and when you’re near him, he captivates your thoughts.
It felt even more wrong that I was still thinking of that dream and having Rager beside me, pushing shots at me was not helping the situation at all.
Not having Easton with me was almost depressing in a sense. And not in the ways I would have thought given everything that happened.
As we all sat there, it was apparent there were feelings between Rager and me, feelings that had always been there but no way Tommy or Willie would have said anything. I don’t think they even cared.
When Willie and Tommy left, Rager and I were alone in my parent’s kitchen.
“What’s with you and Easton?”
“I just couldn’t be there anymore.” I hoped he understood enough that he wouldn’t ask anymore, but he didn’t, couldn’t understand what I was going through.
“But you’re here, at race tracks, what’s the difference?”
“My family is with me.” He was silent and then I spilled my guts. “I caught him in bed with two girls. I didn’t even wait for him to tell me what happened, I just left.” I gestured toward the tequila. “And now here I am.”
“Oh, shit.” His eyes dropped to the empty shot glass. Reaching beside him he poured another shot.
I didn’t want to wake anyone so we walked outside and down to the dock. Sitting there side by side with our feet in the water, our shoulder’s touching, Rager was there for me.
This wasn’t the first time I’d sat on this dock with Rager. I hoped it wasn’t the last either.
“Do you ever think about what would have happened if you didn’t marry him?”
“Sometimes.” I admitted. I didn’t want to think about that but I couldn’t help it. “But then I have to think about where I’d be and what I’d be doing and that becomes almost too much for me to comprehend. I had to get away from what others thought I was or expected me to be…yet, now I think that was all just geography because nothing’s changed. Nothing’s fucking changed.”
Rager stared at me, almost knowing that we should kiss, knowing that we could in a different time, in a different location, and in a different life. But that wasn’t my life to have and he knew it. There was always something in the way. Always.
I knew at some point Easton and I would need to talk again. That happened Monday before the boys headed to LaSalle and I was at the house packing.
He stared at me, watching me put clothes in my bag but never said anything. “I see you won yesterday.” I was trying to be civil and let him know that I was watching him.
“I’m surprised you cared enough to even know what track I was racing at much less that I won.” He said, swallowing and then stepping forward.
“Don’t be an ass.”
“How’s your mom?”
“I’m surprised you care…”
We’re both bitter.
“What pisses you off more, this, or that you can’t control it?” He leaned into the doorframe as he spoke.
“If by controlling ‘it’ you mean I can’t control your choices you made, then, yeah, you could say I’m pissed!” Turning away and throwing more clothes towards my bag.
His bag was in his hand, as if he too had been grabbing clothes. “Tell me to stay, Arie. Why is that so hard for you?”
“It won’t do any good and I can’t do that. I can’t tell you how to feel or what to do.”
He didn’t say anything for a moment. “I really can’t believe this shit. I’m your husband. It shouldn’t be like this. We shouldn’t give up.”
“I’m not giving up. You are. You did.”
He growled in frustration, his eyes flaring. “I told you, I don’t know how they got in there and nothing happened.”
“What do you want, Easton?”
He watched me, his eyes searching my face. “I want you to tell me to stay here. That all this shit doesn’t matter. What matters is us making this work.”
A good part of me wanted that more than he knew. The other was still confused. If I was looking for an out, why was even looking?
“I can’t do that.” My head hurt from all the thinking. It literally hurt. “I shouldn’t have to tell you to stay. I shouldn’t have to tell you to pay attention to me when I am with you, I shouldn’t have to beg for you to look my way when all you seem to be looking for is the next left turn!”
“Why do you have to be like this?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because I found you in bed with two girls?”
That did it. He was tired of hearing that same remark. His fist connected with the wall before he looked like he was going to walk out the door. Then he faced me again.
“You’re not even trying to work it out. I’m here now. I’m here. Where are you?”
“I’m here. I’ve been here all along, alone, and it’s always you walking away.”
“No you haven’t been. You’ve been with Rager, haven’t you?” I wasn’t answering him and it pissed him off. “Trading one racer for another, huh?”
“What are you talking about?” My mind and heart raced to try to comprehend what he was talking about.
“You were dancing with him at your mom’s party…” He paused, like he wanted me to think about what he just said. Olivia. I remembered seeing her there. She had probably took a picture of us.
“And I saw a picture of you two from a win of his a couple weeks ago.” He smiled, condescendingly but with a glimpse of the hurt he was feeling underneath the mask. You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? Had to see what he was like, huh?”
Easton knows my troubles with men and how I used them to feel anything but what I felt growing up in the shadows of my family. I was looking for someone to love me, and in turn, I had made a lot of shitty decisions. He was using that against me.
“Fuck you, Easton. Fuck you.”
“No,” he laughed backing away from me. “You won’t do that either, will you? But I bet you fucked Rager the second you thought you could get away with it, didn’t you?”
I shoved him away from me because if I didn’t, I was going to punch him. I didn’t answer him either. I let him think he was right just for the hell of it. Why was it okay for him to wake up next to two women and get caught? I caught him, he’s just speculating at this point.
Easton had no idea what really happened between Rager and me when I was younger. He’s always been jealous of him because I was still friends with him.
“I’m not going to keep doing this with you.” Easton caught me by the hand when I went to walk out of our bedroom. “Do you want a divorce?”
“I don’t know what I want right now, Easton. Just give me time.”
“You keep saying that,” Easton shook his head letting go of my hand. “And someday I’m going to quit asking all together.”
And then he walked out.
I wanted to crawl inside myself and forget all this shit but what good would that have done anyone, especially me?
Why have I let go of something wrapped around my heart only because I couldn’t say what I needed?
When Easton left, I felt guilty. Mad as hell, but guilty because the one I wanted to see right then wasn’t who I should have wanted to see.
Rager.
It hurt to hear and feel Easton’s temper toward me and this situation. He had every right to be angry too. I hurt him by avoiding him. It wasn’t the adult way to be dealing with this but it’s how I dealt with it.
Axel couldn’t miss any races and neither could dad but it worked out that there was a week’s break when mom had her surgery.
When dad had to leave, she wanted to go with him.
The doctor had warned her to just take it easy but there was no taking it easy with her. No one wanted to tell her no so I went with them and made sure she didn’t overdo it and was there to pick up the slack if I saw her doing too much.
We all went on a three-day road trip that started in LaSalle Wednesday night and then followed with Beaver Dam and New Richmond.
We were in the pits at Beaver Dam Raceway on Thursday when Dave came up, sweating and nervous. Last time he looked like that he’d set the hauler on fire with dad’s sprint car inside of it.
“Jameson, I gotta tell you something.”
Dad turned to glare at Dave. “What?”
Dave held up his palms. “Sway showed me her boobs.”
Dad sighed throwing his arms up. They flopped back down on his knees. “Goddamn her. She thinks because they’re fake it’s like some kind of free for all. I’m not pleased. I’m actually pretty pissed.” He smacked the side of Dave’s head. “Forget you ever saw that.”
Dave nodded but you knew damn well the image of my mother’s breasts would be there forever.
“Forget you fucking saw that.” Dad looked at me. “We gotta do something about your mom. This shit isn’t cool.”
I laughed but really, I understood what was happening. She was robbed of a part of he
rself. Now she wanted to know she still looked good. So she asked everyone. Sure my dad told her every day how beautiful she still was but part of her wondered. It was only natural.
Emotionally the whole thing was weighing on her. This was her way of dealing. Showing people the funbags.
The race was called on rain after a two hour rain delay.
As we loaded up the haulers, dad and mom took off first to head to New Richmond. I decided to ride with Rager. Big fucking mistake.
It seemed between that dream, Easton being a justifiable ass, and everything that had happened lately, I decided to make matters worse.
I had no business doing this shit right now but fucking sue me, he was tempting me and I was taking the bait.
“You think of me?” I asked, my eyes on the rain drops sliding up the windshield of his motorhome.
“More than I ever should.”
I wasn’t sure he was going to say anything else but he surprised me when he pulled off the highway at a small diner.
“Go to dinner with me?” His stare was on the building. They didn’t look open but the sign said they were.
“I don’t know…” The thing was, I knew exactly what dinner with Rager meant.
“It’s just food, Arie.” He wasn’t convincing. His half smile proved that. “That’s all.”
It wasn’t and he damn well knew it wasn’t. Rager had something in mind. He usually did.
“It’d be pretty easy for me to act on it…but I won’t.”
“Cocky much?” I teased getting out of the motorhome and following him to the door of the diner.
He smiled opening the door and giving me a head nod to go in. “I just know you.”
He did know me. He was exactly right on that statement.
“You seeing anyone?” My blood raced and my skin pebbled with the way he watched me in the dimly lit diner. A look that said in unspoken words that he’d give anything for this table not to be in between us and not here, in this situation, with witnesses. He’d give anything to be anywhere but right here and knowing that I’m not his was a great divide he knew we couldn’t get across.
“No. I’m kinda bent on one girl.” He smiled, unapologetic and shrugged. “She went and married a NASCAR driver.”