by Shey Stahl
When he got there, his eyes scanned the crowd and landed on me when he spoke. “This wasn’t easy and I can tell you right now, I will never go for all three again.”
Everyone laughed.
“I wanted to beat the greatest. I never had the chance to race with my team owner back when he made his mark in history and I think a lot of us are glad about that.” More laughs and nods were seen all around, my dad beside me smiled but said nothing. “Jameson Riley isn’t a legend if you ask me. He’s an icon in this sport. Everyone knows his name. He’s a person so inspirational, and sometimes controversial that you either love him, or you can’t stand him. That changes daily for some of us who work with him.” Dad shook his head, his shoulders shaking with laughter as Kyle pointed his finger at Easton nodding his head as if he said exactly what everyone was thinking.
Easton sighed, the motion visible from twenty feet away. His hands went to the edges of the podium where they wrapped around it. His head bent forward for a moment, his eyes low before looking up again. “I went for the title and I didn’t make it for all three. But going for it gives you pride. It gives you a sense of accomplishment that you tried it. You’re no longer saying I wish I would have done that. You’re saying I can’t believe I did that.” He wore a smile of contentment as he spoke and I understood why he did it now.
You have one life and it rarely goes as planned. Well, the decisions you make aren’t. There’s things you want to try and maybe you do. But there’s that fear too, that fear deep inside you that maybe this won’t happen exactly as you thought. Easton ignored that fear and did something for himself. The impossible as everyone said. He didn’t do it for me, or his parents to prove to them that he could, or to finally show them this wasn’t a hobby. He did it for himself. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Even when you’re married, sometimes you just need to do something for yourself. Like spending four months with your mother and seeing that even though life is happening around you, it’s the little things that count.
“It’s funny when you get married, suddenly you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.” Easton said, drawing my attention again. “You wonder if the risk is worth it. Some risks aren’t worth it. I know that now. But then again, some are. To win, you need all the aspects of a race and your car to work. Even so much as a missing spark plug can ruin your season.” He looked at me and winked.
I smiled, knowing exactly what he meant. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and smiled at him.
“I need to thank all my sponsors, Simplex Shocks and Springs, CST Engines, JAR Racing, Sharp Suspension, Solar Seals and mostly, Jameson Riley for giving me a chance. I’m sure he’s wanted to kick my ass a time or two but I’m very thankful for who he’s given me, and what he’s given me.”
Dad looked over at me when Easton said that and smiled, his hand wrapped gently around my mom’s. We both understood what Easton meant by that. It takes a lot to be “approved” by my dad. He’s not easily persuaded or impressed by much of anything. I’m the same way. But I could tell you right then Easton was approved by my dad and had been from day one.
The banquet fell into a steady pace as it usually did, each driver giving their recognition and appreciation for how they did and what they accomplished.
My attention shifted to Easton and the way he watched me. It was as if he wanted to remember this night in his career. But not for the fact that this was something most race car drivers only dream of but that I was there for him.
Contenders conference – This is a press conference of the top three finishers with selected media directly following the conclusion of a race.
When we got back from New York, dad and Tate threw a Christmas party for everyone at Riley-Harris Racing and the JAR Racing boys crashed it.
I saw Rager again that night and it wasn’t easy. I had a feeling it never would be.
My chest felt the weight when I saw that familiar blue staring at me and I wanted to hug him, but didn’t. He was the one thing I needed to stay away from for now. For his and Easton’s sake.
Dad was in front of the boys giving the members of Riley-Harris Racing a speech. He’s good at the speeches. Easton sat beside me, his hand in mine leaned slightly to the right in his chair to touch my shoulder with his. These days we were inseparable, much like in the beginning of our relationship.
“We had some disagreements this year but I’m proud of you, Easton.” Dad said, raising his beer to him, a smile so sincere you believed every word he said. “When I met Easton, one of the first things he asked me was how does it feel to win that much. At first I thought to myself, what is he talking about? How does it feel? Yeah, it feels great but I have lost too. I know how that feels. And it feels nothing like winning. It’s nothing compared to what I have now and I honestly think every driver needs to experience losing, a lot, before they ever appreciate that victory and what it gives them. Appreciation.”
Easton knew what he was referring to and nodded, as if to say he understood.
“There’s a drive in all of us. A will to survive and succeed at what you want. It’s all in how bad you want it. How much are you willing to give to get something else? What I’ve learned is what you gain along the way. The experience. As Easton said in his speech, the I know versus the I wish. For me…most know what I’ve done. By brushed with the wall in Darlington, crossing the finish line upside down at Daytona and all those times I caught on fire in Phoenix.” Dad laughed, it was true, his car had caught on fire more than once in Phoenix. “My home is a clay track, tacky by nature. I’m comfortable there. I’ll always love the bullrings one lap at a time, that’s how I love. Fueled with the desire I have to be the best.” He paused, his stare contemplative. “Someone once asked me why I race. Seemed like a stupid question to a guy like me. I do it for a feeling. I do it for me, for her, for us. It’s my purpose, my reason to be me.”
Mom approached him at the podium, they exchanged a look as he wrapped his arm around her. “She’d like to say a few words.”
Everyone clapped as mom adjusted the microphone, dad’s hand wrapped around her shoulders. “I just wanted to thank you guys who were here to support our family this year. I didn’t know how much I needed this family we have until I was forced to know.” Mom looked at dad and he winked giving her a nod of approval. Her eyes moved to mine as I stood next to Easton. “Thank you, Arie.” Her voice broke as tears came over her. “I needed my daughter so much these past few months and to have what we had, was everything I could have asked for.”
Easton looked at me when she said that, as if he finally understood that me needing space not only had to do with me, but also, her.
There’s a reason why I love Easton. There’s a reason why I married him. Somewhere along the way we both lost track of what those reasons were. I wanted to blame the sport that had taken so much from my family but, in truth, it had nothing to do with racing and everything to do with me. I was letting it happen and I wasn’t changing it. I thought for a while when I turned to Rager that maybe I was trying to tell myself that I picked the wrong guy in the beginning. All along it wasn’t that. I wanted to believe I had.
I will never know where that relationship with Rager would have gone. Maybe he was right. Maybe it would have been legendary. But the fact of the matter was, I was with Easton.
As the crowd mingled and Easton stood twenty feet away talking to Kyle, Rager bumped my shoulder, his beer tipped my direction. “You happy?”
Was I?
Yeah, I was.
Looking at him, I smiled. “I am…”
He winked, a small tug at his lips made me wonder if it hurt him to hear that. “That’s all I care about then.”
“Is everything between us going to be awkward now?” I sighed not knowing how to act around him.
“Why, because I’ve seen you naked and kissed your boobies?” he raised his eyebrows, amused with himself.
I shoved his shoulder glaring but my laugh couldn’t be helped. “You know what I mean.”
“Is it awkward now?” His stare found mine again, so fucking intense and bright. Why does he do that? Does he know what it does?
“A little.”
“No, awkward would be if I kissed you in front of everyone.”
Yeah, he knows exactly what it does.
“You wouldn’t.” I felt my heart thud a little faster knowing he wasn’t joking. I bet if I asked him to right now, he just might. But I won’t.
“I might…” he turned and looked at me, his eyes burning.
“Don’t.” I put my hand on his chest and pushed him back a little, the thudding under my palm confirmed he still felt something, this still gave him that same rush. And with Rager, I wondered how much of it was just the rush, the feeling he got being with me or wanting to be. He was a mystery to me. I would never know, though he told me, how much of what he said he felt was true. What if I was with him and then it was over? He had what he wanted, the race he never got a chance to run.
For me, that wasn’t something I could take a chance on. And I didn’t want to. I would always love Rager in ways I can never explain, but it wasn’t enough to make me leave Easton.
I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate but Rager hugged me. His arms tightened around me, his lips at my ear. “He fucks up again and I’ll be waiting. Let that be a reminder for him to treat you right. And I’ll tell him that if I see him again.”
“He knows.” I laughed pulling back. “And eventually you’ll move on.” My hands slipped off his shoulders as I put a foot of distance between us.
“No.” he said, with a sudden seriousness. It was as if he tried, everyday, but couldn’t. “I won’t. Remember Williams Grove?”
Of course he remembered that. He’s my dusty dirt track feeling, the slow kissing and my innocence gone only for him to promise under a sticky night that he would always be mine.
“Okay, say I’m not with him in five years. You’ll still be afraid of my dad, Rager. You can’t blame me never giving us a chance all on me. You said no, remember?”
“I do.” He smiled, his mood easing back into what it was before, playful. “If you weren’t married, and wanted me, then I would tell your dad what my intentions were. If he said no, I’d quit.”
This time I laughed, shaking my head. “You’re full of shit. You wouldn’t quit for me.”
Rager squinted at me hiding his emotion. “I would.”
He walked away after that as Easton approached me. They exchanged a head nod and funny enough, Rager congratulated him on his championships. He was a good guy, I knew that.
When he got to me, we both watched Rager walk outside.
Easton watched as the door closed behind him and then looked at me. “He’s leaning on me fucking up, isn’t he?”
“Should I lie?”
He laughed, amusement returning. “Don’t answer that.”
I knew next year wouldn’t be easy but I’d made the decision to travel with JAR Racing again, not as much, but enough that I could still be around my family and be with Easton. He understood. I promised to be there for him every Sunday but during the week I wanted to catch as many races as I could with my family and help them. He finally understood that my heart was in two places and always would be with him, and my family. I needed them both.
Easton was quiet and then asked, “It’s not going to be easy for me next year with you around him more often.” I turned to him. “I know. But…you have to trust me.”
“I will.”
Silly Season – This is the months before the regular season. It runs from December to mid-February. It can sometimes be frantic for teams which is why they refer to it as the silly season.
Since my dad’s proposal at the party we threw for mom, Emma and Alley had been planning their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary where they were going to renew their vows.
Naturally they decided to have the wedding at the house on Summit Lake which meant the entire family had to fly out there the day before.
Easton and I sat on the plane back to Washington with Lexi, Brody, Casten, Hayden and Gray, flying commercial and hating it. I was a lot like my dad in that manner. Crowds weren’t my thing. Easton did good though and kept me distracted by talking to me.
After the holidays I told Easton I wanted to move closer to my family and be on my parent’s property.
“Please tell me we’re not living next to Tommy?” he asked, giving me a look that spoke of his nervousness.
I laughed closing the magazine in front of me. “No, that’s Casten. We’d be next to Spencer and Alley.”
Easton looked at me, then smiled. “I can deal with that if you want.”
It seemed finally we were agreeing on something. Well, sort of.
The conversation was hit and miss on the plane, sometimes we’d talk, other times we were both quiet when Easton asked me if I had given any thought to what I talked about earlier in the week. Which was having my breasts removed as a precaution.
After my mom got breast cancer she talked to me about my risks. Breast cancer unfortunately ran in our family. Mom was doing great now and in remission. That’s when it came to what I would do. I wanted to have a mastectomy. I didn’t want the risk of knowing I might get cancer and constantly be wondering if I was going to get it.
Easton didn’t want to think about it but he understood what I was feeling.
He smiled at Gray who crawled over four people, kicked me in the face and sat on Easton’s lap only to pull his hair.
“It’s my decision.” By the look on his face, he knew that. He wasn’t trying to talk me out of it. I knew that much.
“I know, but what about when we have kids?” Adjusting his hold on Gray, he looked from her to me.
“What about it?” When I was close enough, Gray grabbed a handful of my hair too and held our heads together. “What the hell, Gray? Stop doing that.”
Hayden laughed from across the aisle. “She must get that from Casten. He’s a hair puller.”
Easton started laughing, trying to bury his laughter in my shoulder. When he was able to act like an adult again, he looked at me. “Breast feeding.” He said. “If you have them removed, what happens then?”
“I’ll give the baby formula like millions of other mothers do. And we’ve been trying for a while and it hasn’t happened. It might not. We could always kidnap one of my brother’s kids. He’s got like ten.”
“He has three.” He gave me a funny look. “And it’s been one month. That’s not a long time.”
“Same difference.” I looked over my shoulder at the bathroom. “Wanna try now?”
“Fuck yes, I want to.” He handed Gray over to Casten and rushed to the bathroom.
I started giggling as I tried to pretend I wasn’t following my husband to the bathroom, but I was.
I wanted to have kids. For the first time in my life, maybe because Lexi was pregnant and glowing, I wanted to have a baby. Only problem was now that Easton and I were trying, it wasn’t happening. Given it had only been a month, I was very much a now or never type of person whether I wanted to be or not.
I’m not sure how but we managed to fit inside the tiny bathroom together. I had my leg propped up on the toilet and my ass in the sink. My hands ran over Easton’s shoulders and up to his jaw covered in a dark beard now. He looked at me, honey brown melting me. I brought his lips to mine and it was about the only romantic moment in all of this.
We were in a bathroom on a plane. Not exactly swoon worthy. But what was worse was my brother. Yes, my brother.
Easton had gotten his jeans down just enough and mine around one ankle when Casten tapped on the door and whispered. “I have to pee.”
Easton laughed, shaking his head against my shoulder. “There’s another bathroom.”
It sounded like Casten’s forehead hit the door. “It’s being used.”
“So bother them.”
I took my palms and made Easton look at me. “Stop talking to him. You’re supposed to be having sex with me.”<
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“Well he’s distracting me.”
I couldn’t understand how he could be having this conversation. His dick was in me and he’s talking calmly to my brother outside the door?
That’s just weird.
I started to move like I was going to stop when his hands flew to my hips. “Don’t you dare.” He warned. It was sexy the way he demanded that this would continue so we did. Casten left us alone for maybe a minute when I could tell he had his lips at the door trying to talk through the door. “I really have to pee…”
“Go away!” I smacked my fist against the door. Of course Easton started laughing. “And you, pay attention.”
“I’m trying.” Easton kissed me again, trying to block my brother out.
“What are you guys doing in there? That bathroom is only single person occupancy and I’m positive you’re violating FAA rules or some shit. And I have to pee.” The crazy part about all of this was he was whispering this to us like he was fucking Jiminy Cricket sitting on our shoulders.
“Do you even know what FAA stands for, Casten? I’m pretty sure it means “Fuck on Alliance Airlines.’ In which case we’re doing exactly what the acronym stands for.”
I couldn’t believe this shit. It was unreal the conversation they were having and to top it off, Easton was still hard. Not moving, but still hard.
“You know,” Casten whispered. “I don’t want to cause alarm here but I’m sure that I’ve identified the air marshal on board. Should I get him to open the door?”
I grabbed Easton’s face again and made him look at me. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Stop. Talking. To. Him.”
“He started it!” Easton had lost control of the conversation and he knew it. “Go ahead. Get the air marshal and I’ll tell him you’re a mule who swallowed some illegal drugs and they need to perform a cavity search.”
“Oh please. I can talk my way out of anything.”
I smacked Easton in the face. “Stop engaging him. You’re making it worse!”
Easton paid me no mind. “You know, I’ve got something you can smoke, asshole.”