by Lara Wynter
Her eyes turn wary. “Sure.”
“Did you grow up around here?”
“No, in Seattle.”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“No. My father died when I was four.” Autumn looks down at the table.
“I’m sorry. My mother passed when I was a child.”
“Things were never the same after…”
“My father turned to alcohol.”
Autumn looks out the window and hunches her shoulders. “My mother turned to Werner.”
“You mean she remarried?”
“Yes, unfortunately. Did your father ever remarry?”
I grimace. “Hardly, who would want an unwashed unemployed drunk?”
Autumns eyes open wide. “He didn’t hit you did he?”
“Only if he could find me.” I put my hand over Autumns hand to reassure her. I don’t want her to know the ugly truth. “Don’t worry, I had Wes.”
Her eyes get misty and she blinks rapidly. “I’m glad.”
“Did you have anyone to turn to?”
Autumn looks down at our clasped hands and my heart breaks as a tear slides down her cheek.
“It doesn’t matter, I don’t ever have to go back there.”
I don’t want to push, but I have to know. “Did he hurt you?”
She brushes the tear away. “Not in the way you’re thinking.”
I don’t care how he hurt her, the fact that he did makes me want to find him and exact vengeance. I know these feelings aren’t healthy and I’ve had to deal with them when I forgave my own father for the things he did. It’s not a perfect solution and I’ve had to forgive my father many times over the years. I don’t see him anymore but the past still haunts my present at the oddest moments.
“Well you have me now. I won’t let anything hurt you.”
Autumn looks up, her eyes have a haunted look about them. “Sometimes no one can protect you, no matter how much they might want to.”
“I promise you here and now, I will protect you as much as I can, no matter the cost.”
Autumn smiles a heartbreaking smile. “Thank you, Finn. It means the world to me that you’ll try.”
My mind reels with the fact that whatever life has thrown at her, she’s come to believe that. No matter what happens, I promise myself I’m going to change her mind. She will see that she can be safe with me.
“Do you see much of your brother?”
Of course she knows I have a brother, the press just loves to write about my troubled family. At least they only know the surface stuff and that’s all they’ll ever know.
“Jase is still in prison. And no, I haven’t seen him. He made it clear he wants nothing to do with me.”
“I’m so sorry, Finn. That must be really hard.”
“We were never close. He was never at home when things…well anyway, he’s in my past now.”
“That’s why you spend so much time with Wes and Sophie? They’re your family now aren’t they?”
“They’re better than family. I would do anything for them.”
“Even if it meant giving up music?”
“Of course.”
“Well I hope that never becomes a choice, because you have a gift and it should be shared with the world.” Autumn tucks a lock of hair behind one ear. “How is Wes and Sophie’s mom doing?”
“Not good I’m afraid. The doctors aren’t sure there’s much more they can do for her.”
Autumn gasps. “Oh that poor little girl.”
“Yeah, it’s hard on poor Soph. She loves her mom, even though she hasn’t been very reliable.” That’s probably the understatement of the year, but I don’t want to ruin our meal by discussing Pam’s parental shortcomings.
The waiter arrives with our food, and Autumn smiles a genuine smile as her meal is placed in front of her. She smiles at the waiter. “Thank you. This looks divine.”
“Enjoy your meal.” He turns and leaves, and we both dig in.
The food is up to its usual standard and I’m happy to see Autumn doesn’t feel the need to only eat a small portion.
Autumn
After the meal, Finn offers me his arm as we leave the restaurant. It’s been the most magical night of my life and I know I’ll treasure the memories forever. The elevator is swift and silent as we descend to the street level. I’m floating on air as we exit the building. Bright lights and loud voices surround us. I close my eyes as the noise and chaos overwhelms me.
“Finn, Finn, who is your date tonight?”
“Finn, is this a serious thing?”
“Finn, smile for the Enquirer.”
“Finn, is it true you haven’t written any of the new album yet?”
I feel like I’m suffocating as rough hands grab me and bodies bump against mine. I open my eyes and all I can see are men pushing cameras in my face. It’s so terrifying I freeze. Finn is trying to pull me along, but I can’t make my legs move. My chest feels like it’s constricting and I can’t get a breath.
“Finn…Help me…” I whisper. I feel his arms around my body as he lifts me up. And then the blackness swallows me.
My eyes fly open and I thrash my limbs. Something has a hold on me and I need to get free. I hear a loud beeping as I rip something off my arm.
“No stop…please, just stop…”
In the dim light I feel arms holding me down. My eyes grow heavy and I succumb to the darkness again.
Finn
My heart is being torn to shreds. I promised to keep her safe and I couldn’t. She was right not to believe me. I wasn’t even there when she woke up, I was too busy arguing with her doctor. We both ran into the room to see her thrashing around on the bed. She’d somehow managed to rip out her cannula with such force that her blood had sprayed crimson drops all over the white hospital sheets. There were also drops on her face and in her hair. She hadn’t seemed to even know who we were. I’d taken my delicate angel and broken her. I was not the man for her. If I really wanted to protect her, I would have to do it from a distance. She needed to heal far away from the chaos that was my life.
The bowl of water in my hands slowly turns pink as I wipe the drops of blood off her face and hair with a damp cloth. Asleep with the aid of some sedatives, it’s safe for me to stay for now. The paparazzi can’t get in here and just to make sure, I’ve hired guards for the door to her hospital room. Her face looks peaceful but it is an illusion. My thoughtlessness has cost her everything. How could I have forgotten that someone was bound to tip off the paparazzi that I was at the restaurant?
Rumors about the break-up of the band have been circulating for days. Not to mention the fact that I couldn’t write anymore. That one must have come from within. Heck, I wouldn’t even put it past Adam or Drew now that I know they have aspirations beyond Infusion Deep. They see it as a sinking ship that they want to escape from before it goes down.
Even here in the hospital the songs still come. And even though I hate myself for it, I write them down on some paper I got from one of the nurses. Today the songs are filled with pain and anguish, but they’re still good and it kills me inside. How can I use these songs that came at such a price? Although I may never record them, I have to write them down. Something compels me. Perhaps I’ll record them just for myself as penance for my crimes? She has to be okay. Surely given time, she can recover from even this. I know she’s stronger than she thinks she is. And so brave, more than I could ever be.
I set the bowl down and gently stroke her hand. Her fingers are cool and soft. Lifting them up, I gently kiss the inside of her palm and whisper how sorry I am. Maybe one day she can forgive me for what I’ve done. I turn at the sound of a gentle tap on the door and Wes comes in. My heart aches at the thought of leaving but I know it’s what I have to do. But I can’t leave her here to wake up alone. Wes has agreed to do what I cannot. He will tell her of my plan. I hope she will let me do what I can. Even if she hates me forever.
Wes rests a hand on my should
er, lending me strength.
“How is she?”
“It’s bad, Wes. She woke up and didn’t even know where she was, or who we were. I’m afraid she won’t recover.” I drop my head into my hands as my body is wracked with silent sobs.
“She’s strong Finn. She’ll get through this.”
I pull myself back together. “You’ll stay with her until she’s ready to leave?”
“You have my word. Soph is out in the hall waiting for you.”
“And Pam?”
“Still in the hospital. It looks like the tumor is more advanced than they thought. She may never leave the hospital.”
“Is Soph handling it?”
“She’s an amazing kid. But she needs us now more than ever. Don’t disappear on her Finn. She needs you too. You can’t let this break you.”
“I promise I’ll try. For Soph I’ll try.”
“She has school in a few hours. But if she’s too tired, I don’t mind if she takes the day off.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she’s okay.”
“Thank you, brother.”
I stand and we hug. Turning back to the bed, I lean down and gently kiss her pale lips, she stirs restlessly. “I love you dear heart.” I whisper so softly I doubt she could hear me even if she was awake. “Goodbye my love.” I stand swiftly and exit the room without looking back.
Chapter 12
Autumn
This place is beautiful, but it’s not where I want to be. When I woke up in the hospital, Wes told me that I’d had some sort of mental breakdown. It would mean I would have to stay in the hospital for a while. That thought alone had caused me to have another ‘episode’. Later, when I had been sedated again, Wes explained that Finn had found me a wonderful place in the mountains where I could go to heal and recover. Somehow he put up with all my pain and confusion as he tried to explain why Finn wasn’t there and why he wouldn't be coming to see me. I’m not sure I believe his explanation. I think Finn has just finally realized that I’m broken. Who in their right mind would want someone like me?
When I realized my choices were to stay in the hospital or come here, I agreed to come. As I stare out the window of my room, the conifer ringed lake is serene and still. Apparently when I’m up to it, I can join a ‘serendipity walk’ down on the lakeshore. All the activities here seem to have weird names like the dining hall is called ‘nourishment for the body’, whereas the prayer room is called, ‘nourishment for the soul’. That’s right, they pray here. It’s weird but strangely calming.
My roommate has been here for a while. Her name is Jemma. They like to pair up newbies with those that have been here for a while. Jemma has golden curls and looks like an angel, well the right side of her face anyway. The other side is red and scarred from where her boyfriend dumped a pot of boiling oil over her after she burnt the fried chicken. She is the bravest person I have ever met. Although I now know she is in constant pain from her injuries, she hugged me when I arrived and insisted on giving me a tour of the facility. I don’t know how she stays so positive about everything. If I was in her shoes, I would probably just curl up on the bed and never get up.
Jemma pokes her head around the door so I can only see the perfect half of her face. “Hey Autumn, come and join me for lunch?”
“Sure.” My return smile is more of a grimace.
My feet don’t make a sound in the thickly-carpeted hallway. It’s quiet here, but not very private. There is always something going on. It’s like they know if they leave you to your own thoughts too long, you will fall back into the pit. Even though I’ve been here for a week now, I still wake up in a sweat, dreaming of the paparazzi clawing at me. Their voices drown out my pleas for help. If I could, I wouldn’t sleep at all.
The dining hall has a beautiful view of the lake. Somehow the whole building seems to curve around the hillside, so every room gets stunning views. Some of Jemma’s friends wave at her to join them, so after we choose some food from the buffet, I follow Jemma to the table.
“Hey Jem, hi Autumn.”
“Hi Tarryn. Hi Daisy, Jade.” Jemma nods at the other women.
I mumble my own hello and sit down at the pristine white table. I let the conversation drift around me as I eat my chicken and salad. All the food is healthy here. It’s supposed to help with our recovery. A well-nourished body helps nourish the mind – or something like that. The food is nice so I’m not complaining. Although a block of chocolate would probably help my mood just as much.
“What do you think Autumn?” Tarryn asks.
“Um…sorry what?”
Jemma places her hand on my arm. “Do you want to join us on a walk to the lake after lunch?”
“I thought I had to do the official Serendipity Walk first?”
Jade laughs. “We won’t tell if you don’t.”
“Um, okay, sure I guess.”
“We can meet you guys out the front in half an hour if you want?” Tarryn asks running a hand through her thick black hair.
“Absolutely,” Jemma replies on our behalf.
As we walk down the hillside away from the retreat buildings, I let the others get ahead of me so I can have some time alone. As much as I like the other women, I’m not used to being around other people. Or having girlfriends. Without Jemma to guide me, I’d be lost.
The tall pine trees provide a tunnel to walk under. It’s like another world, I’ve never been anywhere so pretty. Just one of the many things I’ve missed out on in my life. When I get home, I’m definitely going to be doing more of this. I feel my spirits soar as the lake comes into view. The chill blue waters look magical. Nature pictures just don’t do justice to the actual experience of being here.
There are a lot of forest trails behind the house that Finn bought. And just like that my mind goes where I don't want it to. It’s been a week since I’ve heard his voice. I don’t even have access to my music here. They take your phone when you arrive. Apparently, I can heal faster free from contact with the outside world. His face fills my mind, those dark blue eyes that can look right into your soul. The dark wavy hair I ache to run my fingers through. Did I really get to spend time with this man, or was it all a dream? I place a finger gently to my lips. I feel a phantom kiss where those beautiful lips once touched my own.
A tear runs softly down my cheek. I don’t even have a photo to remind me. The only photos of us are on Finn’s phone, far out of my orbit now. Gone like the rain dries up after the sun comes out. No that’s not right, the sun has gone with Finn. My mind is filled with rain clouds and thunder.
My voice sings softly.
“Can’t stop thinking about you
Once and then once more
I’m not falling
It’s not something I believe in anymore.”
It’s like the words are branded into me. How could he have written something that fits my current situation so perfectly? In my mind I can hear his voice as I softly repeat the verse. I close my eyes and drift. Like a cloud in the sky I drift away until I am no more.
Finn
This week has gone to hell. Every time I leave the house the paparazzi are there with their cameras and their harsh words. I want to get out of the car and smash their stupid faces in. If I thought it would help, I would. But for her, I know the best thing I can do is become invisible for a while. They don’t know where she is and I intend to keep it that way, until they forget all about her.
For days the stupid gossip sites were filled with the pictures from that night. The most popular one was the one with her in my arms. Her eyes are closed her pale hair hangs down partly covering her face. The picture torments me, my fault, it’s all my fault. Well, mine and the scum that call themselves journalists and photographers. Bah, as if what they do deserves such a title. Pond scum and filth, they should admit they belong with the maggots and the flesh eating bacteria.
Using my clicker, I open the new gate Wes has had to have installed in front of his house. All because of the c
arrion-sucking-vomit-lickers that wait on the street. They photograph me through the glass as I enter Wes’s driveway. I’d stay away if he’d let me, but like the man he is, he won’t let me suffer alone. He knows I’m better when I’m here. And Sophie needs me. Pam died last night. We knew it was coming, but still, she was their mother. A terrible mother, but Sophie has so much love and forgiveness in her heart. What she wants a loser like me around for, I have no idea.
My feet crunch loudly on the gravel path. Rather than knocking, I use my key and let myself in. I’m shocked to hear laughter coming from the kitchen. As I enter the usually tidy kitchen I see cereal everywhere. Wes’s hair is filled with golden flakes and Sophie’s is just as bad.
Wes smiles as he sees me. “Finn, you’re looking rather plain this morning.”
“He is, isn’t he?” Sophie says, coming toward me, her hands held behind her back.
“What’s going on here?”
Sophie throws one skinny arm around my chest and rubs the other one vigorously through my hair. She steps away a triumphant look on her face. “Much better Uncle Finn. Wes, where’s your phone? I need a picture.”
Gingerly reaching up to my hair I extract a mangled Cornflake. Wes is still grinning as he picks his phone up off the bench. Sophie grabs it and takes a quick picture of me.
“Oh no you don’t.” I advance towards them. Spying the box of cereal, I reach my hand in and throw more cereal into the air showering us all. “If this is going to be captured for posterity, you both need to be in it.”
Sophie laughs and throws more cereal high in the air as Wes holds his camera aloft and takes a series of rapid fire images. I laugh as I throw an arm around both of them and make faces at the camera.
“Now, I need one of the band.” Sophie grabs the phone and snaps away as we pull more faces for her.
“Enough,” Wes says as he clutches his abdomen. “I don’t think my stomach can take any more.”
Sophie’s smile falters as the fun ends. I help her pick the cereal out of her hair as Wes sweeps up the rest of the mess.