I didn't think that anyone else knew that I was expecting.
I stood in the kitchen cutting onions, hundreds of onions. It was getting so hard to stand on my own two feet. I worried about passing out.
Would they kick me to get me back up, thus killing the baby?
I worried about passing out while I was ironing too. I feared the iron would fall on me. I already had several burn marks on my arms from when I hadn't moved my arm out of the way fast enough. One arm was more awake than the other in those moments.
I filled freezer bag after freezer bag of chopped up onions. I guessed they were preparing for winter. I picked up the next onion and cut it opened and pushed the brown layers into a pail for that and then I chopped it into little pieces and filled it into a bag. I grabbed the next bag and then the next. This job was never ending.
“Did you miss me, Sandra?”
I turn and saw Tata standing there smiling at me. I still had the knife in my hands. My hand jerked forward and I stabbed him in the stomach. “No more raping,” I said. I pulled the knife back out of him and his hands moved to cover up his bleeding stomach. He looked so surprised as he looked at me and then down at his stomach. He turned away from me and left the room.
His brother had come in with him. He strode across the kitchen and grabbed my hand and took the knife away from me. He slapped me hard and I landed on the floor. My hands had opened up and they slapped down loudly. He pulled me to my feet by yanking on my hair until I was standing.
“I'll show you what punishment is.”
Maria grabbed his arm and said something. He nodded at her and pulled me out of the kitchen. I was running to keep up with him. He still had me by my hair. The cafeteria was filling up with new students. They were sitting at the tables and talking and laughing. There were boys here too. They laughed at me as I went by.
The man I only knew as Herr Schweitzer brought me out to the courtyard. He brought me to a post that was sticking out of the ground. It looked like a tree that had grown here once but now just the high trunk was left. It had no branches.
The six that had come with me were out here watching closely what was going on. They hated me so whatever my punishment would be they would love it.
Thomas pushed me face first against the post. He grabbed my hands and tied them together. He left and came back with a nail and a hammer.
I was so scared that he wanted to pound the huge nail through my hands.
“Raise your hands up, higher, higher.” He lifted the nail to my hands and positioned it. I raised them even higher by standing on my tippy toes. He hammered the nail into the wood.
I sighed relieved. My whole body moved down as I exhaled. The ropes that were tying my hands were now resting on the nail.
He ripped my dress open down my back and down to the hem. It fell away from me. He opened my bra and just let that hang open too. With one rip he tore away my underwear.
I heard the others laughing at me. They were speculating what I had been up to this time.
Tata's brother hit me with what I guessed was a belt. He started high and the belt hit my ear. He worked his way down and then up again.
I worried about the baby. Could something so little survive this? Or could it survive because it was so little? My stomach was away from him. I prayed that what was best for the baby would happen. If it died now then I would know that it was someplace safe, but if it lived then maybe there was a chance that it could be happy in this odd family.
“I'll beat you until you are begging me to stop.”
I was upsetting him because I was being too quiet. Tata had wanted me to scream out in pain too so the others would learn from my mistakes.
I twisted a little because my arms felt like they were being ripped out of the sockets.
He belted me over my back always hitting the same spot. I was breathing heavy but I wasn't screaming. I knew he would move to another spot if I did, but I didn't have the energy for that. I closed my eyes and prayed that I could just die and take the baby with me. That way we could both be safe.
I imagined what heaven would be like. I saw myself sitting on a picnic blanket with a beautiful baby crawling around me. It would sit down, smile at me and clap its tiny hands. The sun was shining and there was food there too. Lots of good tasting food that didn't make me sick would be on the blanket with us.
I was at peace.
“Sandra, wake up.” Tata was there. He was cutting the ropes at my hands. I slid down the post to the ground. I wanted to pass out again.
Tata tried to cover me up but the ripped fabric wouldn't stay put. He turned and lifted me into his arms.
“I'm sorry, Tata. I'm just so afraid of you.” I laid my head on his chest and he carried me up to my room again. Would he beat me and rape me now?
I woke in the middle of the night. Tata was sitting in bed reading something. He set the papers to the side and looked down at me. He didn't look happy. “That wasn't exactly the greeting that I had hoped for.”
I just stared at him not knowing what to say. Should I just tell him that I was pregnant? I hadn't lost the baby so maybe it could work out. Maybe they would let me sleep more if they knew.
“On your hands and knees, now. You know the routine.” He sounded so mad, but what could I expect after stabbing him.
I obeyed as always. He smacked my bottom several times before he entered me. He took me hard and fast. That was new for me.
I was relieved when it was over and I got to sleep again.
He didn't wrap his arm around me like he usually did. I had made him unhappy. I was a bad slave. I regretted it already.
I had immediately. It had been so unlike me, a reflex and it had happened so fast that I didn't realize that it had happened until it was over and done with.
Temporary insanity?
The birds singing woke me and I got up before Maria could come and get me. I picked out new clothes and showered as quick as I could.
I took the laundry down to the laundry room and started working. There was so much to do because Tata and his brothers were back now. I washed their shirts so they could get hung up and dry. Then I washed the rest.
I knew I should go up to breakfast and help out there but they probably didn't want me by the knives anymore anyway.
I sewed my dress together. It took hours. My hands were still shaking. They had sewing stuff down here and I replaced buttons as needed. I sewed my underwear together too because I really didn't have that much stuff.
Tata had taken so much away from me when he sorted things out.
I stood on shaking legs and ironed his shirts. It was time for lunch and I was starving. Would he let me eat or would he still be mad.
I brought the shirts up to our room on their hangers. I had to move very slowly. I really needed a rest.
I was completely winded by the time I reached the top of the stairs. I took a little break before I went into our room. The door was closed. I usually left it open, like an American. The Europeans had their doors closed, little cultural differences.
I opened the door and Tata was sitting on the bed. He looked really surprised to see me.
I kept my head hung and went to the wardrobe and hung up his shirts. I turned to look at him to see if he wanted anything from me. He was just staring at me.
“I'll have the rest of your things finished this afternoon, before supper even,” I assured him.
He didn't say anything so I left, taking his brothers' things to their rooms. I hung their things on their doorknobs. He had followed me out and he was just watching me.
I gave him a nod and went down the stairs again. He was following me but from a safe distance. Was he afraid that I had gotten hold of another knife?
When I stepped into the cafeteria Maria marched over to me and slapped me. I managed to stay on my feet. I had no idea what she was saying but she pulled me by my ear where she wanted me to be. I stood there waiting to feed the others.
Maria let go and went
off to get an apron for me. She threw it at my feet.
I picked it up and put it on. I choke back my tears because I knew that Tata was here watching me. I had heard him come in but I was too chicken to look his way.
The woman brought out the pots. Rice and the same sort of goulash crap that made my stomach churn. The first group was coming in. It was all boys. My hands were still shaking as I put food on their plates.
They were all mad. They were British and complaining loudly. A few asked me what was in this crap.
I answered them and they looked at me even closer. One made a joke and said I could have his portion. Others asked me what was going on here. They wanted to know where the girls were. Apparently they had been separated.
I told them I didn't know. They didn't buy that and Tata came over and stood behind me. He yelled at them to sit down and eat. He had his cane in his hands and they obeyed him.
“Sandra, you aren't information. Ignore them and never answer their questions. Have I made myself clear?” His voice rose as he spoke.
I nodded and looked down at his feet.
He moved away and circled their tables with his brothers. They were fighting about something again. I carried the empty pots back to the kitchen and the heavy full pots out for the next group. The boys had eaten quickly. I got a pail of water and wiped off their tables. Then the girls started to come in. They were more scared than the boys. They spoke about beauty rooms so I figured that they had been sorted out already.
I fed them and they complained that it was the same food as last night. I said nothing and just listened to them.
They ate a lot slower. I wondered when the auction would be. Would they sell the boys too? The girls got taken out and I cleaned up again.
The normal six came in and laughed at me. Hannah was the only one who said nothing mean to me. The man that had come to buy changed his mind about her when he saw her.
They told me how terrible I looked and again I choke back the tears. The family was eating now too. Tata didn't say anything when he held his plate out to me. I filled it without looking up at him.
The family was fighting again. They probably wanted to kill me.
I thought about the baby. What would they do about that?
A group of five girls came in. They were huddled together and really scared. I fed them and wonder if I could clean up now.
“Sandra,” Sarah sighed. “There is a hair in my food.” She stood and held her plate out in a very condescending way.
I went to her and took her plate. “I'll get you a fresh plate.”
“No, I don't want anything from that pot. It is probably full of hair. Go and just throw some eggs in the pan for me.”
“I don't think I'm allowed to do that.”
“Do you know who I am here? I work the hardest of all the girls. The men all want me and I demand to be fed decently. Go and do as I tell you.”
I was tired beyond words and I was so hungry. I just couldn't put up with her crap right now. “Sarah, this isn't Hollywood and you aren't a diva. This is the food we have today.”
She slapped me then. Tata was over in a flash.
“How dare you raise a hand against my wife?” He pulled her out of the room and that was it.
I worked on cleaning up as everyone quieted down. Once I was finished so was everyone else. They were all cleaning up and the meal was obviously over. They didn't want me in there and they hushed me away.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and I went back to the laundry room. I felt like I was starving. I looked at my arm. It had gotten so much thinner the past six weeks.
I lifted the iron and went to work again. I thought about the movie stars that starved themselves even when they were pregnant. They usually had great kids who grew up to be stars too. This would all be okay, I told myself.
I was playing different scenarios through in my head about me telling him that I was expecting. I pictured him slapping me or picking me up and being nice to me. The slapping scenario seemed more realistic. He would blame me and not want a baby. He just wanted sex. He didn't talk to me other than to tell me to behave. Even if he told Sarah that I was his wife that didn't mean that he wanted a family from me. Besides the baby hadn't been made with love. What if I didn't treat it nicely? What if I couldn't look past that? The baby would end up hating me too.
I finished up and put everything away again. I figured I had a few minutes so I dusted our bedroom and the living room. I quickly cleaned the bathroom. I never went into the other bedrooms. No one ever told me to, or scolded me for not cleaning them so I left them.
I went down and wondered who did all of this stuff before I showed up.
I hoped that I would get to eat tonight. I was even prepared to eat that hated goulash.
I grabbed my apron and carried out the pots. They were having a good smelling soup tonight. I really wanted some. I placed breadbaskets out on the tables. The bread smelt really good too.
It was raining outside and cold today. I hadn't noticed the cold because the laundry room was really warm once I got working but now the cold was making me shiver. I made sure that the apron covered my nipples, which were sticking out, painfully, because of the cold. The boys were coming in first again.
I dished out their soup and they complain that it wouldn't be enough. I hated them already. One complained especially loudly and Tata was making his way over.
I whispered to the boy that he should be thankful that he was getting anything. He gave me appalled look and quietly sat down.
Tata gave me a mean look.
Should I beg to be able to eat? Maybe he would let me while I was pregnant. He could punish me after the baby was born?
I looked him in the eyes and thought about what to say. I chickened out. I wouldn't feed someone who stabbed me either. And this really wasn't the place to tell him something like that anyway. I sunk my head.
He moved back to his brother and they talked.
They looked at their watches. I refilled the breadbaskets. One of the boys pushed a piece of bread over to me. I ignored it and went about my work. I didn't want him to get into any trouble.
The boys left and the girls came in. They looked even more scared. They took their soup without a word and sat down. I hadn't been able to clean the table and the boys had left a lot of crumbs. They complain and I wiped the table clean around them as they ate.
“Do you understand us?” they asked me. I ignored them and cleaned away.
“You missed a spot,” one said. I looked to where she pointed.
“Sure, she understands us. Why are we here?” she spoke very clearly.
I wasn't about to be the one to tell them the truth. The messenger was always in danger and I had to think about the baby.
“Sandra, get back to work,” Tata said in German.
I nodded at him and took the soup pot back into the kitchen. They were preparing fancy finger food and they had platters full of champagne glasses. There would be an auction tonight.
The women in the kitchen took the pot and set it back on the stove. They shook their heads at me. I considered just taking a piece of bread and eating it. No one had said I couldn't.
They piled breadbaskets up onto of me and pushed me back out. I spread them out around the table. The women from the beauty room were hurrying them up. I didn't get to see this night last time I was here. They took the girls away again and then the last group came in. Again I didn't have time to clean up. I was afraid that the others would complain again.
I went to get their pot of soup. It wasn't as heavy as the other ones but still I was so dizzy and dreaming of pushing my face into it and eating my fill. I set it down and then they came with their bowls.
Sarah was the last one and Tata moved over to us.
“Sarah, what did you want to say to my wife?”
“I'm sorry, Sandra.” She looked me in the eyes and I could have sworn that she meant it.
“That's alright.” I gave her her soup and sh
e actually thanked me.
“Clean up quickly. I want you in our room. No coming out. Hurry up. I'll be checking.”
Was now a time to whine that I hadn't eaten at all today? I just nodded and went about my work. I hurried like he said and went up to our room.
I heard the cars arriving but I stayed away from the window. I lay down on the bed with my bunny and used this chance to nap.
“Sandra, wake up. You have to change into your pajamas. Sandra?” He was shaking my shoulder with his hand.
I hated having to wake up. I forced myself to my feet. He was already dressed in his tuxedo.
“Change quickly. I'm in a hurry.”
I slowly walked to the wardrobe and got my pajamas out. I undressed as quickly as I could. I turned back to him and he slapped me.
“When I tell you to hurry I mean it.”
I nodded.
“Go to bed and stay there. Is that clear?”
I nodded again and went back to bed. This time I pulled the covers back and got in. I grabbed Carrots and pulled him close.
Tata sighed loudly and left.
I got the point, he didn't want me anymore.
What did I care? I had never wanted him.
Those damn birds again. I heard them and knew that I had to get up. I felt like crying.
Tata was snoring away.
I quietly grabbed something to wear out of the wardrobe and went to the bathroom. I had to stand very still. Morning sickness was starting in.
What did I have in me that I could spare?
The terrible moment passed. My stomach had settled down.
I showered and got dressed. It was the same dress as two days ago. I had had to take it in to sew it up. It was still too big for me.
I loaded the laundry up on my arms. The things even smelt like smoke. I hated that smell and I was already dizzy.
I took a deep breath before I went down the stairs hoping to clear my head.
Class Trip Page 10