by Susan Berran
But with Jared away sick, WHAT was the point!?
Sure, I could toss our magnificent rodent time bomb under the bus seats MYSELF … sure, I could go and make crappy conversation with the boring old teachers ON MY OWN … sure, I wouldn’t get the blame when the RAT was spotted. And yeah, the girls would all SCREAM like someone had just ripped the heads off their Barbie dolls, and then they’d probably leap up onto their seats jumping up and down frantically like barefoot lunatics on a hot barbecue … which would probably cause the bus driver to TOTALLY PANIC and start yelling and shouting at everyone to sit down and shut-up while at the same time he’d be SLAMMING on the brakes and trying to look for somewhere to pull over and trying to stop his SCREAMING head from EXPLODING and splattering his brains all over EVERYONE!
Which would definitely cause all the girls to instantly loose their balance, fall off their seats and SLAM into the back of the heads of the guys sitting right in front of them! Yep, and at the same time the teachers would be leaping up out of their seats to try and regain control of the SKULL-SPLITTING, shrieking, SCREAMING girls … but of course, then they too, would all instantly splat to the floor and create a teacher teepee, mashing into each other as the bus driver SLAMMED on the brakes.
Yeah, it would be total and utter CHAOS as the smell of burning tyres and SMOKE and dirt and dust billowed into the air as the bus was sent SKIDDING and SWERVING off the road so violently it would almost tip forty-five degrees but continue travelling another hundred metres or so on only two wheels, like some sort of TOTALLY AMAZING STUNT BUS. The cars travelling all around us would also have to hit the SKIDS with squealing brakes and burning rubber, as they barely miss each other and the bus by mere millimetres as it lunged DANGEROUSLY in front of them.
Yep, there’d be completely insane drivers madley stretching their ANGRY, FUMING heads out of their car windows, swearing and YELLING obscenities that most of these kids have never heard in all their lives, and giving all sorts of weird hand gestures and disgusting finger signals towards our bus driver for suddenly cutting them off.
Of course, even though the bus eventually stopped, all the kids would be SCREAMING and shrieking even louder now they all knew there was a ferocious man-eating super-rat somewhere in the bus with them. Naturally by then, a heap of the boys would be SOOKING as well, because by now they’d just figured they’d definitely caught cooties off the girls when they’d all fallen forward and ‘touched’ each other.
The only boys not sooking about cooties would be cheering for the RAT as it raced along the aisle, scooted in and out of everyone’s school- bags, ZIPPED around their ankles and up and over their feet in total PANIC.
The teachers would, finally, have managed to drag themselves off each others’ HAIRY, sweaty bodies, and got to their feet. Then they’d have to try and shut-up the kids that were SCREAMING from the RAT running around the bus … and the kids that were CHEERING for the RAT running around the bus. While at the same time jumping up and down, stomping their feet, so that it wouldn’t run up their trouser-legs either and tossing any school-bag they could get hold of, at the now totally freaking-out BERSERK RAT; trying desperately to send it racing towards the now wide open bus door.
And when the teachers eventually managed to shut everyone up and the RAT finally leapt to wonderful, glorious freedom down the steps, out the door and off the bus … vroommm splatt!! It would get SMOOSHED by the very next car that passed by . Which naturally starts the girls and a bunch of the boys, SOOKING and SCREAMING … and some cheering, all over again.
But by far the loudest SCREAMING of all would come within seconds of everyone else finally SHUTTING UP! Yep, when Crabby Abbey suddenly looked up and realised that the person she’d fallen into when the bus had stopped so abruptly … the head that her head had been rubbing and mooshing up against was … Itchy MiTCH’s!
“ EEEWWWWWW!! ”
Yeah … it all sounded sooo great. But without Jared there … I couldn’t risk it. So I just decided not to bother.
The stupid swimming carnival was going to be so damn BORING without Jared. So I figured I might as well work on some of our incredibly AWESOMEINVENTION PLANS while I was on the bus trip. At least I could sit up the back of the bus all by myself, pull out my incredibly awesome, ONE-OF-A-KIND BULRAVIAN SECRET PLANS FOLDER and draw up some stuff. I just had to make sure I got on the bus first so could zip right up the back and claim a seat all to myself.
But of course, let’s not forget this was the SUCKIEST WEEK EVER! So of course that just wasn’t going to happen, was it?
My week just kept on getting suckier and suckier and SUCKIER!
As everyone lined up to get onto the bus, Mrs Duckson began allocating seats to each and every one of us, of course. I was betting that I was going to get stuck with Crabby Abbey or Booga Boris. I couldn’t decide which one would be WORSE. And if it was Booga … great, an hour’s trip both ways with barely one butt-cheek able to fit on the seat … that would be fun … NOT!
“Sam and … let’s see,” Mrs Duckson began. I held my breath … which I was going to have to do the entire trip if I got stuck sitting next to Booga.
“Ummm … Thomas!”
PHEW! I could breathe again … and on the bus trip too.
OK, so it was TofFeE thomas. I could deal with that, it wouldn’t be too bad. Sure it was going to be a very, VERY painfully annoying trip, but at least I didn’t have to deal with Booga or Crabby. The only real problem was that there was NO WAY I could work on any of our incredibly AWESOME and totally WICKED TOP SECRET PLANS. TofFeE’s the BIGGEST, SOOKIEST, suck-up dobber-inner at school. So I couldn’t risk it.
The last of the kids filed onto the bus followed by a couple of teachers. Booga Boris managed to squash himself into the seat right in front of me and TofFeE. But as I glanced around the rusty old bus, I noticed there were still a few seats empty.
This was my chance. Maybe I could work on some of my secret plans after all.
“Hey, Mrs Duckson … can I sit in one of the empty seats?” I yelled down the bus.
“Seats have been allocated, Sam!” she bellowed, not looking too happy.
“But Boris gets a seat all to himself?”
Mrs Duckson shot a look right at the middle of my forehead like a LASER BEAM was about to EXPLODE my brain! With her one thick, HAIRY eyebrow raised high as if to say “Do you really want to sit next to Boris … you know, in the three centimetres of seat that are left!?”
I figured I’d just better shut-up at that point. DAMN … stuck with TofFeE thomas for what would seem like an eternity or more. Great, we could talk about … ummm … maybe … or … ummm … oh STUFF IT! I’d rather have my leg chewed off by a starving ALLIGATOR that has the teeth of a rusty old chainsaw! This sucked sooo bad! An hour trip to the pool and then another hour on way back and I couldn’t work on any SECRET PLANS because he’s such a big sticky beak, dobber and I had no one to talk to either.
… SHOVE …
“Ow!” TofFeE elbowed me right in the gut as we drove away from the school and around the first corner. “Stick to your own side!” I shot back at him.
… SHOVE …
“Ow! QUIT IT!” TofFeE elbowed me again as we took the very next corner. Great, now I had to put up with an hour of shoving every time we went around a sharp bend. Like that wasn’t going to get annoying in about FIVE SECONDS FLAT!
… SHOVE …
“Ow! NICK OFF WILL YA!” I whipped around at him again. Now I was starting to get more than a little bit peeved.
… SHOVE …
“Ow! RRRRRR.” There was absolutely, positively, definitely no way no how that I was going to sit there for the next fifty-five minutes and have TofFeE thomas SOOKY Snot-Nose elbow me in the guts every single time we went around a bend. How hard is it to sit in your seat?
… SHOVE …
“Ow! THAT’S IT!” WHACK!!
“AARRHHH! Mrs Duckson! Sam punched me!” TofFeE instantly squealed in his usual whinging voice.
“SAM! ”Mrs Duckson bellowed.
“But he … ”
“We do not hit! ”
“But he … ”
“We never hit!”
“But he … ”
“We never, ever hit!”
“But he … ”
“Any more trouble back there and I’ll split the two of you up!”
“But he … ”
“I MEAN IT!”
“Yes, Mrs Duckson.”
It’s sooo not fair. TofFeE’s the one annoying the CRAP out of me and I’m the one who gets into trouble when I was just trying to give him a very gentle little reminder, with a teeny-weeny, tiny little tap on the shoulder, to sit up properly. What a SOOKY LAH LAH! And just because of that one incy-wincy, teeny-tiny little ‘ACCIDENT’, now I was going to have to move if anything else happened! That’s sooo not fair … that’s sooo not … wait a minute … hang on a sec … did Mrs Duckson just say, “Any more trouble back there and I’ll split the two of you up!”?
YES! WOO HOO! This was BRILLIANT! This was too good to be true. This was completely and TOTALLY, ABSAMATIVALUTELY AWESOME! All I had to do was to make TofFeE SOOK again and I’d get to move to my very own seat. Too easy. OK, so I just had to wait for another bend and then … WHACK! I get to sit on my own. I just had to be patient and wait for a corner … or a bend … just a small bend … be patient … there had to be a bend in the road coming up soon … patience … waiting … waiting … c’mon bend … waiting … oh, stuff it! WHACK!
“Ow! Mrs Duckson, Sam hit me again!” TofFeE wailed in his girly high pitch..
“DETENTION SAM! ” thundered Mrs Duckson.
“Oh rats, that’s so sad,” I said as I got to my feet with a smile.
“Sit down!”
“But you said I had to … ”
“SIT!”
“But I’m just doing what you … ”
“TWO DAYS DETENTION! ”
“Yes, Mrs Duckson”
“I mean it. I’ll split you two up next time you cause any more trouble.”
For the next ten minutes I sat there trying to work out a way of annoying TofFeE thomas so that I’d have to move seats, but without getting me any more detention.
… SHOVE …
“Ow! NICK OFF! RRRRRR!” The turkey was still sticking his elbow into my ribs EVERY SINGLE TIME we went around another bend! Man, I was going to rip his arm off and SLAP him around with the soggy end if he didn’t QUIT IT! I mean, how hard is it to keep your arms down? But just then, out of the corner of my eye, I finally saw why he always had his elbow up. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. While everyone else was busy yakking to each other or staring out the window, TofFeE was busy ‘snacking’ from his nose. He had his fingers working away so busily up there that it almost looked like he was playing some sort of musical nose instrument.
They were flying about, zipping in and out of his nostrils, searching for green gold. Sometimes his fingers went straight from deep inside his nostrils to diving right into his mouth. Other times he used a couple of fingers to do a few trips and gathered the small nuggets all together on a different finger until there was a nice ‘snack size’ ready for the trip to his mouth.
WOW! It was like watching some mini ballet of flying finger dancers. Prancing around his face, leaping up into each nostril, over and over again. And every performance ended with each finger dancer taking a bow as it bent in two and disappeared behind the curtain that was his mouth.
It was sooo INCREDIBLY gross! Just like a really GORY horror movie, you know that it’s going to SCARE the crap out of you, but you just can’t take your eyes away from it for a second!
There had to be a way to use this information against him so I could move seats and get to work on my SUPER-SECRET PLANS. Maybe I could yell at the top of my voice to Mrs Duckson, “Thomas is eating on the bus, Mrs Duckson!” But I knew he’d just deny it and I wasn’t exactly going to shove my hand into his mouth to go and get the proof. Or maybe I could wait until he dozed off to sleep and then squirt some glue up his nose. The moment he feels the loose liquid in there he’s bound to go in after it for another quick snack. Then, when his fingers get stuck up there, I could say that he’s making me feel sick from all of his snot-snacking. Mrs Duckson would have to let me move seats then.
It was a really great plan … except I don’t carry glue in my swimming bag. BUGGA!
DAMN! There had to be a way I could use TofFeE’s nose to get Mrs Duckson to tell me to move seats. If Jared was there I would have thought of something ages ago. Actually if Jared was there
I wouldn’t have had this problem in the first place! But when he is around, somehow that’s when I come up with most of my awesomest, SUPER excellent IDEAS.
… SHOVE …
“Ow! QUIT IT!!” I sneered at TofFeE for the hundredth time! Boy, I was getting sooo CRAPPY with him! Just wait till there’s a good bend in the road on my side. Man, I’ll elbow him sooo hard that his finger will be stuck so far up his nostril that he’ll be scratching the top of his head … from the inside … for a week … WITHOUT ANY GLUE!
That’s it! Yes, I HAD IT!
It was perfect! TofFeE kept elbowing me every time we went around a bend in his direction and he never got into trouble. So, all I had to do was ‘accidentally’ elbow him. That’s not hitting. Except the bend had to be in my direction. And I needed to make sure he had a couple of fingers shoved up his nose at the time. But that shouldn’t be a problem … they’d been up there for the whole trip so far.
This was going to be so cool, I just had to make sure the bend in the road was nice and tight. That way, even Mrs Duckson would have to agree with me that I hadn’t done it on purpose or just for payback. Which of course I actually had, but it wasn’t my fault if I ‘accidentally’ leaned into him while he was ‘eating’. Yep, I just had to wait for a really nice tight bend.
I was kinda curious about one thing, though. What could TofFeE possibly have stuck up his nose that’s so tasty and how can he possibly have so much of it stored in there?
I reckon he must have some sort of weird physical deformity in his head. Like, he must have a couple of extra nostrils inside each nostril. Because he doesn’t just dig out a couple of boogas for a light snack. NAH! He can be in and out of each nostril all day long and enjoying an entire smorgasbord! It’s kinda like there’s this endless supply of stuff in his nose. He gets absolutely bucket-loads of the gross green phlegm out of there.
I guess if he was ever stranded on a desert island, at least he wouldn’t have to worry about starving to DEATH … and no one would ask him to share his food … except maybe for Booga … he’ll eat ANYTHING.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering why we didn’t call TofFeE thomas ‘Booga’, even though he is always digging at his nose … well, it’s because more than anything TofFeE is just the snottiest, SOOKIEST, lamest, wussiest snot-bag EVER He’s just sooo stuck-up and pretends to be sooo sickly sweet. That’s why me and Jared called him TofFeE.
We nicknamed Boris, ‘Booga’, because from the moment we met him he always seemed to be sick. He’d turn up to school with choccies, and every other bit of junk food that he could possibly stuff into his bag, every single day. He’d pig-out in each break and secretly pig-out all through class as well. He never stopped eating! But somewhere in all that food, something was rotten. He’d eat something that was so off, that he would get really sick. But he wouldn’t go home; he stayed at school, turning greener and greener by the hour, by the minute, by the SECOND.
Over the next few weeks, every day was the same. He’d turn-up to school eating like an absolutely starved HIPPOPOTAMUS. But as the day went on he would very quickly begin to go greener and greener, feeling sicker and sicker. But he didn’t seem to care.
Mr Pennyless was the principal back then and he constantly tried to get Boris to go home for the rest of the day. But strangely, he always wanted to stay. Miss Croonarc was forever trying to tell him that he should really try to sort out wh
ich of the foods was making him so ill. Then he could avoid eating it before he got seriously sick. But Booga didn’t want to leave out any of his food, rotten or not. He figured that eventually his stomach would just get used to whatever it was.
So Boris just kept on getting greener and greener.
But then came the next phase … RUNNING! All through class, every five minutes, of every day, Boris had to race off to the loos again and again. But he wasn’t being sick, ohhh no. Actually I reckon everyone would have preferred it if he was being sick. At least then he could chuck, flush and it would be gone. But it was the other end that was the problem. OMG! Whenever he raced out of the classroom everyone started to prepare themselves for when he got back. Because even though he was racing off to the dunnies for his business, he always brought back an invisible reminder of where he’d been and what he’d been doing.
PEEEWWWWW!! The stench was almost unbearable … it was totally disgusting … gross to the max … absolutely the worst thing I’d ever smelt! And I’d been smelling little Miss Danger Daks Melly’s butt sewage since she was born. But this was different. Boris’ body had years on my annoying baby sister, Melly.
His stench had time to mature, to ripen, to develop into something that could be used as a WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION. If an enemy got hold of Boris’ buttocks, they could take over the world! It was like there was this invisible cloud of TOXIC DUNG ODOUR that stayed hovering around him practically all day long.
Everywhere he went, it was almost as if he had this FORCE-FIELD of gas around him. Because wherever he went, the kids, the teachers, everyone instantly parted way, giving him as much distance as they possibly could.
From the moment he ran out of the classroom each day, all the kids would start dragging their desks bit by bit and shuffling their chairs along.
By the time Boris got back, there was his