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For the Young and Young at Heart
1. Why Mum Fainted.
The TV announcer said, "The thief got away on foot after robbing the bank and taking the world's biggest chocolate egg. The egg had been left in the bank for safe keeping."
Mum did not faint then, although she might have done had she known what was going to happen.
Eight-year-old Stephanie perked up. She was a tomboy and her favourite stories were about cops and robbers. And her very favourite food was chocolate. She ran to the television, to turn the sound up, eager to hear more.
Her mother got there first. "Bed time," she announced, firmly. She switched off the TV.
For once, Stephanie did not argue. "All right, Mum," she said, meekly. Her mother, expecting a fight, nearly did faint then.
"I'm going to sleep in the bathroom tonight." Stephanie announced, expecting a big "No you're not!" from her mother." And I'm taking my magic covers with me."
Her mother did not argue. This surprised Stephanie but also, it pleased her, for she had a plan. She knew adventures never ever happened when she went to bed normally, in a normal bed, like normal people. How could they? Adventures are not normal. But, when she slept in the lounge, or in a tent, then exciting things always happened.
Collecting her pillow, cuddling Panda-ted and dragging her quilt behind her, she went into the bathroom. She was determined to give an adventure a chance to happen. Her mother did not protest as Stephanie curled up on the bath mat and made herself comfortable. She knew it would be much easier to wait until Stephanie was asleep and then put her into her proper bed. Stephanie realised this, of course, but it did not matter. By then the adventure would have started.
"I'm lovely and warm and comfortable," Stephanie told Panda-ted." Are you?"
Panda-ted put his paw to his lips. "Shhh. Look!"
Stephanie opened one very tired eye and, believe it or not, saw her pig shaped soap jump out of the soap dish and into the bath. He started to wash himself. Stephanie, not sure if she was awake or dreaming, sat up and stared, wide eyed.
Soap-pig was singing:
"Rub a dub, dub
I've jumped in the tub,
I must get clean in a trice!
For if I do not,
When I'm sweaty and hot,
I won't smell particularly nice!"
"And that's important," Soap-pig told Stephanie, seriously. "Otherwise the bank robber might smell me coming and run away."
"Are you a soap policeman," Stephanie asked, excitedly.
"You don't need to know that," Soap-pig said, bossily. "Now, please make the shower work. I need to rinse the people off of me."
Stephanie did not need telling twice. To get her sister Alison to accept even a little squirt of water she had to be very persuasive. It was a pity because squirting water is such fun. Happily she switched on the water.
Soap-pig liked it. He was laughing as she made him wet and Stephanie soon saw why. He was starting to get bigger. The more she sprayed him the bigger he became. He got bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Soon he'd grown so big he filled the bath and he had to jump out before he got stuck.
"Come on," cried Soap-pig, impatiently, landing with a squelch on the bath mat. "We've got a robber to catch. Jump on my back and I'll take you with me."
Soap-pig looked slippery so Stephanie threw her quilt over him, as a saddlecloth. Then, clutching Panda-ted, who was as excited as she was, she climbed on to Soap-pig's back. They had to hold tight as he carried them down the stairs and they nearly fell off, but Soap-pig got them safely out of the front door.
If her mother had seen them go she would most definitely have fainted. But she did not because she had switched the television on again and was now involved with her own favourite soap.
On the front lawn it was dark. In the road it was not dark. A light was flashing. In fact, it was a lamppost and it was jumping up and down. “I wonder why?” thought Stephanie.
The Lamppost saw them and gasped in relief. "Oh, thank goodness you are here. Please, please turn me off."
"Why?" demanded Stephanie. She always asked why." Aren't you supposed to be alight? It is night time now."
"Yes, yes I am," wailed Lamppost. "But, you see, there is a moth bashing himself to bits against my glass. Can't you hear his cries? He can't help it, poor dear, but he is hurting both of us." And she gave another moan.
Soap-pig was bossy. "We're far too busy," he snapped. He would have walked on but Stephanie stopped him. She didn't like to think of Lamppost and the moth being hurt.
Stephanie jumped down from Soap-pig's back. "I'll save you," she shouted. She had to shout because the light was now a long way above her head. She hoped it wasn't too loud and she woke herself up, or her mother heard.
"Do be careful," Panda-ted warned. He was very anxious. He knew Stephanie very well and he guessed what she was going to do.
Stephanie was extremely clever at climbing. It was one of her best tricks, next to doing pig impressions, which she found easy, and whistling, which she found difficult. Some of her teeth were missing. But at climbing she was great. As nimble as a squirrel she shinned up to the top of the lamppost.
"Throw up my covers," Stephanie shouted. She had to shout because the ground was now a long way below. Panda-ted did as he was asked, Stephanie caught them, first go, then wrapped them round the light until only a faint glow showed through.
The moth was very grateful. Clutching his head he was able to stagger away from the lamp. He was no longer fatally attracted. "Oh, thank you, dear, dear girl," he gasped. He was very much relieved.
Lamppost was dazed. "Why didn't I think of that?" she wondered, vaguely.
"Because you're not very bright," Soap-pig informed her. "Not now, anyway."
"That's true," sighed Lamppost. “Are you going away?"
"Oh yes," Stephanie told her. "We've got to catch a robber."
"Can I come too?" Lamppost pleaded. "It's so lonely in the dark."
"You can move my covers," Stephanie said, "Providing you warn moth, first."
"What for?"
"So moth doesn’t look and get hurt, of course," Stephanie retorted.
"I might forget," replied Lamppost. "Please, can I come with you?"
"You'll have to carry me," Stephanie said.
To that Lamppost readily agreed so they all set off. They made their way along the night time streets, Moth fluttering just in front of Stephanie and Lamppost. Of course, Soap-pig led the way. Panda-ted skipped along behind, careful not to tread on cracked paving stones because that brought bad luck and might ruin the adventure.
They came to a road junction, guarded by a 'keep left' sign.
The sign screeched at them, "Keep left!"
They were going to do that but just then a police car rushed by. It was full of policemen.
"Keep left!" the Keep Left sign repeated, bossily.
This was too much for Stephanie. "Why?" she demanded. There were no more cars about.
"Because it is the rule," Keep Left repeated, staring up at her. "You must do as I say."
To Stephanie this was as good as a dare. She winked, both eyes, at Panda-ted, slid down Lamppost, then raced the wrong way round the sign.
"Keep left," the Keep Left sign said, weakly. "Please!"
Stephanie grinned naughtily and went round the wrong way again.
"Oh dear," Keep Left groaned. "I feel ill. Oh dee-aar." It swayed, from side to side, as if drunk, and then fell over.
Soap-pig was cross." I don't know," he complained." You do a good thing to help Lamppost and then you do this!" He reached down a hand and helped Keep Left to her feet. "Why?"
"Being goody, goody is boring," Stephanie retorted. But she felt a little guilty and helped Moth. He was using his wings to brush away the road dust from Keep Left. Stephanie had to use her hands but that was okay. Until now they had been much too clean anyway.
"Do come on," Panda-ted urged. "We haven't found the robb
er yet."
"Or the stolen chocolate egg," Stephanie added. "Is it milk chocolate, or plain?"
"Half and half," Soap-pig replied. "With toffee chocs inside."
Stephanie beamed happily. "Oh, good," she said.
When they reached the bank they found it crowded with very busy policemen. One of them, coming out of the bank door, saw them, frowned, and stopped. "Show me your hands!" he ordered, holding up one of his own.
"Why?" Stephanie demanded, but a little afraid. The policeman was ugly and she did not like him.
The policeman stared at her. "Because I said so, that's why. And," he added, before Stephanie could argue, "My sergeant told me to look for finger prints in all the likely places." He frowned, as if thinking hard. "That's on fingers, isn't it?"
Stephanie was anxious to get away. "Show him yours," she told Soap-pig. "They're cleaner." The real reason was she'd seen a speaking computer just inside the bank. It had a round TV screen for a face. There was also a big red button which had a notice beside it. "Press and Speak."
Stephanie ran into the bank and pressed the big red button. Hard.
The computer had a squeaky voice." What's your name and address," it demanded.
Stephanie told it. Then she said, "I want a list of robbers."
The computer blinked. "In jail, or out?"
"Out, of course," Stephanie replied. "And probably hiding."
The computer was not pleased. "I don't wish to know that," it squeaked, angrily. And to prove it hundreds and hundreds of names appeared on the screen so fast that no one could read them before they had gone again.
"Not all of those," Stephanie cried. "I want the name of the one who stole the giant chocolate egg!"
"Milk or plain," demanded the computer. It still felt like being awkward.
"Both. And with toffee chocs inside, and probably other sweets as well." Well, she hoped so.
The computer sighed and his screen went blank. "That's far too difficult."
"Difficult!" Stephanie exclaimed. "I thought computers were supposed to be clever."
"No. We're just very fast. I'm really rather stupid I'm afraid. You must ask me yes, or no. You must tell me this, or that, and then ask me for this, or that." He sighed. "I'm only binary, you know. My Mum and Dad were, too, so it is not very surprising. But it means if you ask rotten questions you get rotten answers. Or no answers at all."
"All right, then," Stephanie replied. "Robbers like chocolate. Yes, or no? Quickly, please. I want a list of yeses."
A much shorter list appeared on the screen.
Stephanie smiled. "That's better. But there are still far too many names." She thought for a moment. "Cross out all the ones who drive a car." That was clever of her because, if you remember, the thief got away on foot. Thieves are lazy. They drive if they can.
The computer evidently agreed. Eagerly it searched its memory. One by one all the names were removed until only a single robber was left. He was Greedy Jim Black!
"Greedy Jim Black can't drive, he loves chocolate, milk or plain, he robs banks and sweet shops and," the computer reported, triumphantly, "He is not in jail. At the moment, anyway." He paused, and then looked down at Stephanie. "Will he do?" he asked, hopefully. Now that he had an answer he was anxious to please.
Panda-ted had arrived. "I know about him," Panda-ted cried. "He also dresses up as a policeman. That's why he doesn't get caught so often."
Suddenly they all heard a very loud noise. "Dah dee, dah dee, dah dee."
Moth flew hurriedly into the bank. "What is that?" he cried, fluttering his wings in alarm.
"A police car, going backwards," shouted Lamppost, from outside. "I can see it getting away."
"It must be Greedy Jim Black," Soap-pig cried.
Stephanie ran out of the bank. "Quick, let's catch him."
"I'll fly my fastest," promised Moth, catching her up.
"And I can blind him with my brightest light," Lamppost declared. "But," she added, modestly, about to remove the covers, "You must not look while I undress."
With great determination Moth flew on ahead, trying to catch up with the car. Lamppost took off the covers Stephanie had given her and handed them to Soap-pig as they both ran along the road. "You can smother him."
The police car was being badly driven. It crashed into the pavement, cracking a paving stone which Panda-ted accidentally trod on. "Oh dear," thought Panda-ted. "That's bad luck coming."
Desperately, Greedy Jim Black tried to drive away forwards but he forgot to steer for Moth had arrived and fluttered in his face. Lamppost then glared fiercely, and he couldn't see. But, the car was moving away.
Stephanie saw where the car was going and ran round Keep Left, the wrong way. "Sorry," she apologised, but grinning. "I've got to do this!"
"Oh, no. Not again!" Keep Left wailed. Almost immediately he went dizzy and fell over, right in the path of the car. Going Dee dah, Dee dah, Dee dah it crashed in to the sign. Then it just went DAAAaaaaaa.
As quick as you like Soap-pig was there to smother the robber with Stephanie's covers. Suddenly he cried, "Help! Stephanie, help! I'm getting smaller again."
Panda-ted was in trouble, too. "Help me, Stephanie. I'm losing my face!"
Their luck had changed and the adventure was almost over. They still had to get home and, what was even more worrying, they could see the giant chocolate egg on the back seat of the car. Soap-pig was already small enough for Stephanie to pick up, so he couldn't help. Panda-ted was quite unable to speak anymore and Stephanie had to help him move his arms and legs. Greedy Jim Black was struggling hard. Soon he would be free of the covers.
Lamppost came to the rescue. "Don't worry. The real police are coming. I'll lie on him until they arrive."
Stephanie had to go but she didn't want to. She kept looking at the giant chocolate egg.
"You must go. Remember to leave your window open."
"Why?" Stephanie demanded.
"Because I need to bring your covers back and I can't climb stairs."
That made sense so Stephanie, clutching Panda-ted and Soap-pig, ran home. Very quietly she crept upstairs. She knew if her mother saw her come in she'd probably faint, but the TV soap was still on and Mum was fully occupied with it, so she didn't. Stephanie opened her window, jumped onto her bed with Panda-ted and Soap-pig and, because they were all very tired, they soon fell asleep.
When she woke up in the morning the covers were there, keeping her warm. She jumped out of bed, shouted "Thank you," to Lamppost, outside (it was not night time any more so the light was out but Stephanie thought she saw a brief flash of light, in reply) then ran downstairs, still excited. She found her mother in the kitchen, cooking breakfast.
"Guess what, Mum. I had an amazing adventure last night. Me and Soap-pig, and Moth, and Lamppost and Panda-ted caught a robber. "And she told her all about it.
Her mother smiled, complacently. "I wondered why you took the soap to bed," she said. She turned to listen to the TV news.
The Announcer said, "The Police are looking for a young girl, she's a tom-boy, who, the bank computer says, helped last night to catch Greedy Jim Black, the bank and chocolate robber. There is a big reward, so where are you, Ste....?"
Her mother nearly fainted then, but not quite. For just at that moment there was a loud knocking on the door which drowned out the end of the announcement (and Stephanie's name).
"I'll go," Stephanie's father called, cheerfully.
There was a muttering of voices but Stephanie wasn't listening. She was much more interested in breakfast. Then her father came in to the kitchen. He looked at his wife. He looked at Stephanie. "The police are here. With the biggest chocolate egg you ever saw. Apparently it is to be Stephanie's reward for catching a robber." He stared at Stephanie. "Last night." Then he had to rush forward and was only just in time to catch Mum before she hit the floor. She HAD fainted!
Gently Stephanie's father carried her mother to a chair. He sat her down in it. He looked wor
ried.
Stephanie could see the chocolate egg blocking the front doorway. She looked at her father. "What's the matter, Dad?"
"That egg! It is so big!" he cried. "Where shall we put it?"
Stephanie grinned. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "Inside me!"
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Shambles Page 5