Memento Amare

by G. D. Cox

  Even as Cole is conquered by the tightness and heat of his husband's delectable, familiar body, as he pants through his mouth, he sneaks a hand around Clyde's cock under Clyde's tank top and tugs hard at it. Clyde's eyes snap wide open. Clyde gasps down at him and yes, yes, that's it, he wants Clyde to look at him, to see him. He strokes Clyde's hot, rapidly hardening cock again and again and again.

  A fine sheen of sweat emerges on Clyde's flushed face and chest as Clyde maintains the rigorous, constant pace of taking Cole inside him. Clyde is also panting between making those strident, throaty noises. Clyde is staring wide-eyed down at Cole's hand around his cock. Cole's already anticipated Clyde's hand skimming down between them to remove his hand, and before their hands even touch, Cole thrusts up into Clyde as deeply as he can go. Clyde is plunging down as he does so. The impact of their tautened, surging bodies is devastating: he strikes that very spot inside Clyde that he knows will send lightning bolts of pure pleasure rocking through Clyde and Clyde cries out loud and high-pitched and shattered, those powerful thighs quaking around him.

  "No, s-stop, don't - I don't wanna - f-feel good," Clyde gasps, eyes even rounder.

  Clyde lets out that loud, high-pitched moan again when Cole pummels his sweet spot and holds him in place with hands on his hips. Clyde clutches at his shoulders again, gasping with pleasure like he should be. He's ready for Clyde to sag over him and oh, oh yes, something sings in him when their foreheads press together, when their noses skim and Clyde's half-open, glazed eyes lock with his.

  He obliterates Clyde's walls and draws Clyde out of his cage with each thrust. He sees more and more of the man he loves so damn much, of Clyde so fucking gorgeous and bared and staring at him with such love. He lets go of Clyde's hips to pull Clyde even closer to his torso with both arms. He crashes their open mouths together in a rough, impassioned kiss and he swallows down more of Clyde's delicious moans and whimpers as he grinds against Clyde's spread ass and drives in as hard and fast as Clyde had taken him, heedless of the exertion on his lower back and ribs. He loses himself in Clyde's open, glassy eyes, in his husband shuddering and jerking against him with every thrust.

  "Oh! Oh! Oh god, Phelan. So deep - Fuck!"

  Their rhythm is spiraling out of control, with Cole's thrusts now going erratic and Clyde rocking down on him while shaking and panting. They're still working in concert, working together like they always have, like they ought to be always, easy and good and so right -

  "Clyde, I'm close. Are you -"

  "Aah, Phelan, y-you feel so good!"

  "Yes, yes, that's it, come -"

  "Fuck - oh, come inside me. Come in - oh, ohh fuck, Phelan! Phelan!"

  And Cole almost feels like bawling as he hears Clyde wail his name one more time and sees Clyde throw that golden head back with eyes scrunched shut, as that undeniable coil of pleasure in Clyde undoes him and makes Clyde convulse and clench around Cole, spurting thick, white come onto Cole's dark red t-shirt. Cole is pushed over the edge too, his own orgasm rocketing up his spine and erupting in his head with such force that all thought is propelled from it and he can't even gasp. He sloppily thrusts a few more times into Clyde's limber body. He crushes Clyde to him and nestles his face into Clyde's neck and wheezes open-mouthed against it. He triumphs in the sticky mess upon their bellies. He triumphs in the whimper Clyde lets out when he bites the juncture of Clyde's neck and shoulder, next to the chain necklace, not too hard, with just enough teeth, just the way Clyde still likes it.

  For a century and a day, there is only him and Clyde, and nothing else.

  He returns to his limp, sated body in stages. He's still inside Clyde to the hilt, softening. He still has his arms wrapped around Clyde's torso. Clyde has wrapped those strong, burly arms around his shoulders and buried that exquisite, cherished face in the crook between his neck and shoulder again. Both of them are still tremoring and twitching from the aftershocks. He tightens his embrace around Clyde and rubs circles on Clyde's back. He sows a kiss upon the thrumming pulse in his husband's neck.

  He feels two spots of searing wetness grow on his shoulder. He feels Clyde's shoulders shudder in a way that shouldn't be so recognizable like it is. He swallows hard, his cheek pressed against Clyde's neck.

  "Whatever perceived atonement it is that you think you have to make, you don't have to, sweetheart. You don't," he murmurs, still rubbing circles on Clyde's back. "There's nothing to atone for. Nothing."

  Clyde simply hugs him tighter, even with those naked, powerful thighs still bracketing his. He plants another kiss on Clyde's neck and cradles his husband's nape with his right hand.

  "What happened to you, to us was never your fault," he also murmurs.

  In the coming days, he knows Dr. Fisher is going to have her work cut out for her. It may take Clyde months, even years to come to terms with what occurred and move on from it. It may take Clyde his entire life to do it. But no matter what, Cole will be there for Clyde, in every way he can, for as long as he can. Cole will catch him every time he falters and falls, just like Clyde does for him.

  They'll find a way to break Clyde out of this cage and leave it behind too, no matter how long it takes. They will heal together. They will make it.

  "I love you," Cole hears Clyde rasp wetly against his shoulder. "I love you, I love you. I love you."

  "And I love you," he rasps in return, blinking glistening eyes and basking in the warm, living and real presence of his best friend, his lover, his husband, his everything. "Always."

  He means it, still.

  XLV.

  WHEN CLYDE GRABS COLE's face with both hands and finally kisses him in front of the tremendous congregation of GATF agents in suits and formal dress, Cole is still overcome by emotion as their peers, their friends, their chosen family explode into thunderous applause, whistles and hoots. The commodious space of the main gym in HQ turned into a lavishly decorated vow renewal venue reverberates with their mirth and rejoicing.

  Cole is attired in his tailored, pin-striped, navy blue suit and dark orange silk tie. Clyde is in a tailored suit of his own, a sharp red one with a black tie and pale blue dress shirt, and he looks so damn splendid in it. Cole and Clyde have no concerns about being as demonstrative in front of so many others: both of them already have the wet eyes and enormous grins down pat, having had a head start when they exchanged their vows minutes earlier.

  Phelan, Clyde had said to him, grasping his hands and gazing at him with those beautiful, glistening eyes, four years ago I pledged to stand united with you in the face of all adversity and bask together in the light of good fortune. To love and cherish you freely, honestly and without hesitation. To accept you just as you are, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, and forsaking all others for so long as we both shall live.

  I still do, babe. I will always love you, honor you, protect you and comfort you. I will always be by your side. In the presence of everyone gathered here today, I renew my vows to you and pledge my eternal love, my life for you. I'm so thankful that you're mine. I know what love is, all over again, because of you.

  In return, with his own glistening, crinkled blue eyes, Cole had said to his husband, Clyde, as we stand here today, I think of all the incredible memories we have of each other and our life together. I can't imagine a greater blessing than to have you - my best friend, my partner, my lover, my husband - by my side every day. We had our trials and tribulations, but our love for each other was strong enough to triumph over them all. I am so thankful for you. You make every day in this world worth living. You make a better world worth fighting for.

  You are my world, my everything. Today, I renew my vows to you and take you not only as my husband again but as my confidant, my shoulder to lean on, my other half in every way. I will always be at your side. I will never leave you. Together forever, Clyde, and that's a promise, sweetheart.

  And even as Clyde smiled as bright as the sun, he swiped at those big, beautiful, overflowing eyes with
both hands. There were others in the crowd who did the same to their own eyes. (Twenty-three hours from now, on their flight to Bora Bora for their second honeymoon, Clyde will tell Cole with some amusement and much fondness that Rajah had cried the most and kept using his pocket square to dab at those jaunty, brown eyes.) Cole and Clyde had then slid their rings on each other's fingers. Before the smiling officiant - the same one who'd married them in Nate's office - could say, "You may kiss," Clyde had grabbed his flushed, glowing face and done just that, making his whole world reborn once more.

  Now, needing to breathe again, Cole and Clyde have no choice but to separate their lips and grin at each other like the lovesick idiots they are and press their foreheads together. Yes, he's definitely smiling like an idiot and Clyde is definitely laughing like one, and it's good. It's all good.

  Cole can hear Don's cheerful laughter above the deafening cheers. He can hear Rajah and several other agents hooting at the top of their voices. He hears blithe yells for an encore from men and women alike. He knows Pa and Ma are in the front row of seats and that Pa has an arm around Ma's shoulders, their heads touching. He knows Nate and Victoria are watching him and Clyde with warm, crinkled eyes from the same row, their hands linked discreetly between them. Don and Henry are here with their wives, Susan and Mai Lin, too. He knows Angela is sitting with them (and one of the women yelling loudest for them to kiss again!).

  Clyde yanks him in for another long, open-mouthed, passionate kiss with one of those strong, brawny arms around his shoulders. He willingly and gladly goes to his husband, wrapping his left arm around Clyde's shoulders, crushing their lips together, both of them trying to kiss and smile at the same time as more clapping and cheers fill the air. Their luxurious platinum, court-shaped rings gleam on the fourth fingers of their left hands.

  A huge round of amused laughter rolls through the congregation when Clyde, still kissing Cole totally stupid, dips Cole backwards, supporting his neck and shoulders with a muscular forearm while his own stomach muscles easily supports the rest of his body. Ah yes, his husband is ever the showman and the star that still dazzles him with that golden, melting light. When Clyde gracefully pulls him back up onto his feet, Clyde is the one laughing the most, throwing his head back with pure joy, free as a majestic king of the land he roams.

  Later in the mess hall turned also lavishly decorated buffet lunch venue for their ceremony, Cole and Clyde slow dance in the cleared, circular space in the center of the hall. The dulcet voice of Natalie Cole is singing their song through the tall speakers of a DJ system that Rajah, Gyeong and Turner had set up, their song of reluctant farewells, of gods who think so little of lovers who simply wish to be together forever and larks singing when they're near to each other. Their arms are wrapped around each other again. Their foreheads are touching again. Clyde is singing to him, and Clyde doesn't care that other agents and their partners who are dancing around them can hear him too.

  "For better or worse, babe," Clyde murmurs when their song is over (but not them, not ever).

  "Until death and beyond, sweetheart," he murmurs in return, his lips quirked up, and the sun utterly pales in comparison with the beam that lights up Clyde's exquisite, cherished face.

  XLVI.

  AS THE SUN SINKS BEHIND the skyline of the city, Cole sits with Clyde on the ledge of their apartment building's rooftop in a charcoal gray suit and maroon tie.

  He says to Clyde, "I almost committed suicide when I was seventeen."

  Clyde is wearing a red hoodie with white stripes and trimming, jeans and his black combat boots. Clyde sits to his left and he has his left arm around Clyde. The fingers of their left hands are intertwined on Clyde's left thigh. Their wedding rings clink against each other.

  He can feel Clyde's eyes boring into the left side of his face. He doesn't return his husband's stare.

  "Obviously I didn't go through with it," he says nonchalantly, staring ahead, rubbing his fingers against Clyde's. "I had this idea of hanging myself in my closet by tying a few of my shirts together to make a noose. I did make the noose, actually. Tested it. Tightened it to see how much pressure I could take." He pauses for a while. "I pulled it apart a few weeks later, because I kept thinking about how destroyed Pa and Ma would be if I did kill myself. And they didn't deserve that."

  "Imagine how fucking destroyed I would be, Phelan."

  Clyde's voice is level and low, but there's anguish just under its surface that Cole can sense at the mere thought of them never meeting each other, never getting to know each other. He understands. He really does.

  He gives Clyde's left hand a squeeze.

  "I think that maybe I was so enthusiastic about joining the army," he says as nonchalantly, still staring ahead, "because some part of me had hoped that a bullet from a gun would do the trick instead. I think I probably would have put a gun to my head if Pa and Ma hadn't accepted me as bisexual and wanted nothing to do with me ever again."

  He hears Clyde inhale raggedly. He feels Clyde snuggle even closer to him, pulling his left arm more snugly around him. He feels Clyde's temple gently tap his above his ear and stay there.

  "I was pretty sure Pop would kill me before I turned ten," Clyde says with a subdued voice. "Suicide was ... it wasn't something I thought about. Not when so many things were already raring to kill me from the start, ya know?" Clyde lets out a soundless sigh. "All I knew was that I had to keep going, no matter how much shit was raining on me. If I could find a way to survive, I'd do it." Clyde rolls his eyes at himself, and Cole's lips quirk up wryly. "Okay, there were some things I still wouldn't do. Some things I still won't."

  "And we're still here," Cole murmurs, squeezing his fingers around Clyde's, pressing their heads together.

  Clyde squeezes his fingers back and rasps, "Yeah. Us."

  They watch the sun go down, and Cole thinks about how he was discharged from the ICU only six months ago. He thinks about how it feels like a lifetime ago, like a hundred lifetimes ago when Clyde lost all his memories of him and reverted to the Clyde Barnett before they met, the Clyde who could scarcely tolerate his existence and everything that it meant and walked away from everything they were.

  He hopes that particular Clyde never comes back. He knows Clyde hopes the same. Reliving such pain is unthinkable for both of them. But if they have the extremely bad fortune of something similar happening again?

  They'll make it, again. They'll heal together, again. He knows they will. They both know.

  "I want us to live for a really long time, Phelan."

  Cole turns his head towards Clyde. Clyde returns his doting gaze with an equally doting one, the tips of their noses brushing.

  "Twenty more years?" Cole asks with his legendary deadpan face.

  "Nah, thirty at least," Clyde replies, his face also deadpan but his eyes twinkling.

  "How about forty?"

  "Fifty."

  Clyde's lips are beginning to curve up in a tender smile.

  "Why don't we just round it up to a hundred years?"

  Clyde shakes his head and says, "Nah."

  Cole raises one eyebrow, his own eyes twinkling now.

  "No?"

  "Nope." Clyde's tender smile blooms into a flagrant, affectionate one. "Forever with you is too short, much less a measly hundred years."

  And well, there goes that silly, happy, dancing thing in the left side of Cole's chest, beating like the world's going to go on forever and ever just for him and Clyde (and no, forever with Clyde isn't enough, not by a long shot). Clyde's full, supple lips meet his halfway in a chaste though no less reverent kiss.

  "I'm glad you're still here," Cole murmurs, stroking Clyde's bristly cheek with a finger. "I'm glad I'm still here, with you."

  I can't imagine a future without you, sweetheart, he thinks. I can't imagine a universe without you.

  "So am I," Clyde murmurs back, those big, beautiful, big-cat-like eyes crinkled in a smile that is Cole's alone, and Cole knows with all he's got that Clyde really me
ans it.

  XLVII.

  "PHELAN, WE GOTTA - we gotta be prepared for the - oh, oh! Right there, yeah, right there!"

  "Be prepared for what?"

  "Unf, we gotta be prepared for the - for the possibility of a mind-fuck like that happening again."

  "Okay. But do we have to talk about it now?"

  "Yes! Yes - uhh ... I - I was thinking about what ya said about recording a new voice message for me and - uuhh!"

  "And what, Clyde?"

  "Oh, you asshole, I'm trying to talk here - OH! Oh god -"

  "And what, Clyde? You're the one who wants to talk now."

  "And - and I think we ... we should record a video of ourselves."

  "And this video is going to show us doing what, exactly?"

  "Fuck, you're so deep inside me, I feel like blowing already -"

  "Tell me what we'll be doing in this video, Clyde."

  "You smug, smiling asshole, you're driving me cuh-crazy! Oh! Ungh!"

  "Are we talking about what I think we are?"

  "No! No, not sex! Although ... although a sex video is a, ooohh, oh yeah, a fucking great idea -"

  "Nuh uh -"

  "Oh yes, we will definitely get to that later - UH! Oh, fuck me slower, yeah, nice and slow like that -"

  "Oh god. What have I unleashed upon this world."

  "For now, you deadpan ass, I think we should record - record! R-record a video of us talking about ourselves. Make it a - a starting point for us to remember stuff again."

  "That's ... Actually, that's a good idea."

  "Of course it is, babe. I thought of it."

  "Uh hm. You know, I do not recall you being so modest. Where has my cocky husband gone?"