by Croft, Pippa
He comes, gloriously hard inside me, and I lose it … crying out, coming so hard, every muscle tightens like wire.
I open my eyes, eventually, and the dusty dark roof of the pool house comes into focus. There are cobwebs in the corners and the air feels thick enough to stir with a spoon.
I turn my head towards Alexander. He’s on his back next to me, half on, half off the mattress, breathing hard, eyes closed.
‘Did I make a noise?’
‘I … have … no idea.’
‘It’s so hot in here.’
He turns his head and looks at me, smiling and more at rest than I’ve ever seen him in my life before. ‘You can say that again …’
I touch his arm. ‘Alexander?’
‘Shh.’ He eases himself up on to his elbows, chin lifted. ‘Is that a car?’
My heart rate, only just returning to normal, speeds up again at the distant sound of an engine at the front of the house. ‘Oh God! It must be Mom.’
He holds up his hand. ‘Wait … I can’t hear anything now. They must have driven on.’
I scramble to my feet anyway. ‘I hope so, but she will be home soon. Jesus, how am I going to explain this to her?’
‘Why don’t you tell her the truth?’ Alexander gets up.
‘That we’ve been screwing each other in the pool house? She’d have a coronary.’
I begin a frantic search for my bikini.
‘Because we’d had sex in the pool house or because you’d had sex with me?’
‘Both.’
I knock over a plant pot while I’m trying to find my bikini top. ‘Shit.’
Alexander plucks the top from under the mattress and holds it out. ‘I know I’m not the American dream in your parents’ eyes, and I don’t blame them. I’m trouble, I keep on hurting you and they must think I’m hell-bent on taking you halfway round the world.’
‘No, you aren’t. I make my own choices. I don’t stay here for their sakes.’
‘Or Scott’s?’
Suddenly, and without warning, I burst into tears. I snatch my top from him and wipe my hand over my eyes, ashamed of how quickly I’ve rushed back into his arms and how emotional I feel. ‘Just get right back on the plane to London and leave me alone. This isn’t going to help either of us.’
‘There are no flights until tonight,’ he says with a patience that makes me want to hit him.
‘I don’t care. You can’t parachute in here and lob a grenade into my plans. You can’t.’ I pull my top over my head, getting tangled up in the strings.
‘All I’ve done is call in to say hello.’
I almost trip over while trying to put on my bikini bottoms. Alexander smiles at me.
‘It’s not funny!’
‘I’m simply enjoying the view of your delectable arse, Ms Cusack.’
‘I don’t care! Aren’t you going to get dressed?’
‘What’s the point? My clothes are soaking.’
‘And my mother could be home any time. You have to get dressed and leave.’
He holds my shoulders. ‘Not until you listen to me.’
‘There’s nothing to listen to. I asked you to walk away from me at the ball and you did. That was the end of it. I have a new life now …’ I stare at him, tears pouring down my cheeks. He picks up his shirt and offers it to me to wipe my face. ‘That’s not much use, is it?’ I mumble.
‘It’s the thought that counts.’
‘Please, don’t do this to me again. I can’t stand it after the last time. Just leave?’
He puts his fingers on my lips. ‘Shh.’
My heart pounds and I strain my ears while Alexander cracks open the door of the pool house.
This time, the engine note is unmistakeable and my hand flies to my mouth. ‘Oh my God, it’s the Cayenne.’
A rattle from the front of the house tells me that the gates are opening. ‘You have to leave now!’
‘How? Climb back over the wall? I nearly broke my neck getting in here.’
‘Good. Now go!’
‘Like this?’
I pick up his shorts and throw them at him. ‘Yes. My mother can’t find you here.’
He holds on to the shorts. ‘Lauren, it’s too late.’
I hear the engine rev as the car drives up the short slope through the gates. ‘What the hell are we going to do?’
‘I’ll think of something.’
‘You’re naked!’
‘Wait.’ Alexander pulls his wet shirt over his arms as the gates grind shut behind the car.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Stay calm.’
‘Calm? She’ll be out here by the pool in two minutes tops.’
From the driveway, the engine noise grows louder and then, finally, there’s silence.
Alexander buttons up his sodden shirt. ‘Go outside. Quickly.’
Pushing open the door, I screw up my eyes against the sunlight. A car door slams shut.
Alexander walks out behind me, still buttoning his shorts.
‘How do we explain this?’
He puts his finger to his lips and slips on his Havaianas.
‘Look shocked and horrified,’ he hisses, jogging over to the pool steps.
‘That won’t be hard!’
Half a minute later, I’m still holding my theatrical pose, hands over my mouth, eyes wide, as my mother appears in the French windows.
‘Alexander!’
At my shout, her first reaction is to freeze, and then her jaw drops. She hurries out to the poolside.
‘Lauren? Alexander? What’s going on? Why is Alexander in our pool?’
‘He tripped over the hose and fell in …’
My mother glances from the pool hose snaking its way across the tiles to Alexander, then back at me. Shaking water from his head, he wades to the shallow end, where my mother waits, still looking like someone dropped a bomb in the pool.
He walks up the steps and holds out a dripping hand. ‘Good afternoon, Blythe. How lovely to meet you again.’
A short while later, Alexander emerges from the house, in dry shorts and T-shirt, rubbing his hair with one of my mother’s guest towels.
‘Is there anything you need?’ she asks.
‘No, thank you, and I’m sorry for soaking your carpet.’
‘It’s no problem. I loaded your wet things into the machine while you showered.’
‘That’s very kind of you, Blythe, and I must apologize. It’s incredibly rude of me to simply drop in on you like this, and I really should have called first, but I was sort of passing by, so I thought I’d pop in.’
No matter how shocked my mother is to see him, the full hostess training kicks in. ‘Are you on business in Washington?’
‘Of sorts.’ He gives her a mysterious smile.
‘I see. When did you fly in?’
‘Not that long ago,’ I say. ‘Alexander decided to call round on his way to his hotel.’
‘As soon as he landed? Well, it’s such a shame he had a damp start to his visit …’ She directs this comment at me; while she can’t possibly know what we’ve been up to, she knows something weird is going on. ‘Where exactly are you planning on staying while you’re here?’ she adds.
‘One of the big hotels in the centre,’ he says.
My mother eyes him sharply, then looks at me suspiciously. I hope she puts my flushed face down to the sun. ‘So have you fixed our visitor a drink yet, honey?’
‘Not yet, Mom. I haven’t, uh – had a chance, as you can see.’
‘Well, it’s very hot out here. If you just got off a flight, you must be dehydrated. Can I get you some lemonade, Alexander?’
‘I don’t want to put you to any trouble, but that would be lovely, thanks.’
‘It’s no trouble as you’ve made a detour to see us. Would you prefer tea? I have some Earl Grey in the kitchen. Lauren seems to have acquired a taste for it while she was away.’
‘Lemonade will be fine, thanks, Blythe.’
<
br /> ‘Why don’t you sit down here while I fetch it? I’ve asked your driver into the kitchen for a cool drink; he must have been baking out in the car, despite the air conditioning.’
He settles his big, lean frame in the deckchair at the table, while I collapse into the seat opposite, grateful for some solidity under my watery limbs. My mother is halfway around the pool when, out of the corner of my eye, I see her turn her head and give me an open-palm gesture of total confusion.
He rests his hand on the table, inches from the envelope containing my contract. ‘What a lovely garden. I had no idea you had a pool,’ he says innocently, then starts to toy with the envelope. It has the Ross Foundation logo on it, my name on the front. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what it is.
My mother comes back with the drinks on a tray. ‘Here you go. If you need anything else, Lauren will sort you out, I’m sure. Now, I need to get changed out of this suit and I guess you two have a lot to catch up on.’
She leaves us alone. Alexander taps the envelope.
‘That’s the job offer,’ I say, almost defiantly.
‘I guessed as much. Congratulations.’
I stay silent.
‘You asked me why I was really here, so I’m going to tell you.’
I stiffen in my seat. ‘Oh.’
Despite the lemonade, my mouth is dry.
‘You remember when Valentina threatened to share that video?’
My heart rate picks up. I can’t deal with any more of her crazy antics now. ‘How could I forget?’
‘We both thought she wouldn’t go through with it, but nonetheless I had to take it seriously. I could have spoken with the count and contessa. I could have told them what she’s been up to and how it would have hurt my mother and father, if they’d known, but I didn’t. I told Valentina to go ahead and share it.’
‘You did what? Why?’
‘Perhaps it was a risk, a huge risk, but I know by now that you have to take risks to survive and get what you want. I told her that posting that video and her story would be pointless. I told her to go ahead and do it, that if I got kicked out of the army for it, I’d accept that, but nothing and no one would ever be able to force me into doing something I don’t want to – stop seeing you.’
I swallow hard at the implication of his words. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, knowing he was prepared to risk his commission for … me.
‘And I didn’t mean it, the all-or-nothing thing. I was just upset,’ he says simply.
Now I am really lost for words; I wasn’t expecting any of this. Alexander keeps going.
‘Listen, I’ve made another decision too. Assuming Valentina doesn’t carry out her threat and the army don’t chuck me out, I’ve no choice but to complete this year. I owe them, and I owe it to myself to finish it. But then I’ll leave. I know I can’t carry on with it.’ He sees my questioning look but stalls me. ‘So it’s only for a year that we can’t be together. I know you are tied here, I know our jobs make things bloody difficult. But I’m not giving up, Lauren.’ He looks at me fiercely. ‘I need to have you in my life, in whatever small way. I probably will fuck your life up, and you mine, but I don’t care. Seeing much less of you is a hell of a lot better than not seeing you at all. You know I have to keep fighting.’ He finishes his long speech and takes a deep breath.
‘Fighting each other?’ I whisper.
‘Yes, each other if we have to, because anything is preferable to the nothing I’ve suffered over the past two weeks. Fighting each other is better than lying down and giving in. I don’t give in. I don’t lose. Do you?’
I flail around for a response. I can hardly breathe, let alone speak rationally. ‘You didn’t say any of this at the ball.’
‘I was upset – shocked about the job. And then, before I knew it, you made me promise to walk away – you demanded I left – and for your sake, I did it. I didn’t tell you how I felt because I didn’t want to hold you back, and you didn’t want to hear it anyway. Well, you’re hearing it now and I don’t care what it does to you. I’m a selfish, single-minded bastard, you know that by now. I’m not asking you to come back. I know that isn’t going to happen.’
I look up at him, still unable to speak.
‘But, like I say … even if you can’t be with me physically, I’d like to know – I need to know – that you’ll be with me somewhere … unless it’s too late, of course, and someone else got there first?’
‘No … No, they haven’t … but … Look, I don’t need you or any other guy. I love my parents too, but I don’t need them to find me a career. I can make my own decisions about my life, my love life, my career, even if’ – I take a deep breath – ‘they’re very, very stupid ones.’
He looks at me questioningly, as if he can’t believe what I’m implying. ‘What are you saying?’
I take a deep breath. ‘I’ve decided not to take the Ross Foundation job. My parents don’t even know this yet but I emailed Donna this morning to say thanks, but no thanks.’
‘Why?’ He doesn’t move a muscle.
‘Like I said, I make my own decisions. The job, it felt too “set up” for me – almost too perfect.’
‘So you’re turning it down because your parents arranged it?’
‘Not only that. It’s … I’m not ready to settle into the whole career thing just yet. I’ve had a taste of freedom, with all its joy and pain …’ I smile at him. ‘A lot of pain at times but going it alone seems to have given me a taste for adventure, so I’ve decided I want to travel, like Immy. I’m hoping I can join her, wherever she is.’
He swallows hard. ‘Immy and you let loose on the world? That is an adventure … And your decision has nothing whatsoever to do with me?’
‘Would it hurt your ego if I said it didn’t?’ I smile, I hope enigmatically, while my heart does a slow thump, thump against my ribcage.
‘Not even a little?’
‘Well, maybe a teeny tiny bit.’ I pinch my fingers together to show him just how little, while inside I have the strangest feeling, like I’m as light as a helium balloon and if someone cut my string, I’d fly off into the sky.
‘Listen, that’s fine,’ he says quietly, and I feel like I really have stunned him. Then he looks up, giving me a guarded look. ‘Though it won’t be nearly so easy for me to visit you when I’m on leave,’ he says ruefully. ‘Christ, I don’t know how I’ll cope – I’ll be in Britain and God knows where else. You’ll be halfway round the world. It’ll be a form of torture seeing so little of you – seriously,’ he adds when he sees my face. ‘But,’ he sighs, ‘in a year’s time I’ll be back at Falconbury for good and things can be different – if you want them to be.’
I start to speak but he stops me. ‘It’s not just about you; it’s time I did my duty to Falconbury and to Emma, no matter how much she thinks she doesn’t need me. Maybe I can still have some kind of role, in training or intel, but I need to go home and take up where my father left off, and hopefully, if I try very hard, make a better job of things, of everything, than he did.’
Now this really takes me by surprise. I know how much he’s struggled with the idea of being tied to Falconbury, but I guess his father’s death changed everything, and I admire how he’s facing up to his responsibilities. Seems content to do so. And then, just as I think there can be no more surprises, from the pocket of his shorts, he pulls out the necklace. It sparkles in the sunshine, way more dazzling than the sunlight on the water.
‘But it is, partly, about you too. My mother didn’t leave this for Emma; she set it aside for me.’
‘It wouldn’t suit you,’ I say, yet my voice sounds wobbly.
He laughs but doesn’t let me off the hook, his gaze burning into me. ‘You know what I mean. Are you going to wear it?’
‘With my bikini?’
‘I can’t think of a better outfit.’
Every rational cell in my brain, every smart one, is saying, solemnly: no. Yet my instincts are not rational whe
n I hear his next words.
‘Lauren, I know I’m rubbish at this sort of thing but please take this. Keep it with you, treat it like it’s a piece of me while we can’t be together. I really want you to have it – need you to have it. And if in a year’s time you want to give it back, if we can’t survive this year apart, I’ll accept it back then, if that’s really what you want. I’m in this for the long haul, and I want to give you this to show you I mean business. I want a future for us when we’ve both got through the next year.’
You know, he looks so agonized that I almost feel sorry for him.
Almost.
I could say anything at this point. I could tell him it’s not going to work, that we’d better walk away from one another now. That we will both move on and forget all about each other. I do none of these things. It takes all my resolve not to tell him I’ll come back to Falconbury with him, that all I want is to be with him, because right now, that’s exactly what I long to do. But I can’t, I know I can’t.
I look down briefly at the choker before looking up into those eyes again, almost blinded by the intensity of their gaze, and I give him a barely perceptible nod. I hold out my hand, and I take the choker, my fingers clumsy and awkward.
I hear his soft intake of breath, of astonishment and relief, and then he lifts my chin and something shifts in those dark, beautiful eyes. He moves to clasp the necklace round my neck and I almost think I can feel his fingers shaking as he does it, but then maybe it’s me shaking.
He pulls me to him roughly and kisses me like he’s never kissed me before, his still damp hair brushing my face. His hands exert a firm and totally delicious pressure on the back of my bikini bottoms. I don’t know what to think, I really don’t, but right here, right now, I can only let myself enjoy the feeling of him against me and take one day at a time.