by Erica Lee
Once we were within just feet of each other, we both stared at each other silently. I looked toward the ground and Taylor awkwardly cleared her throat. When I looked back up at her, I couldn’t stifle my laugh. “Well, this is quite awkward, isn’t it?” I asked, trying to break the tension, but only making it worse.
Taylor gave me a look I couldn’t read, before opening her mouth to speak. “Yes. Yes it is. But with how my day is going, I’m not surprised.” She cringed after the words left her mouth and I could tell she immediately regretted saying them.
I wasn’t sure if it was the best idea for me to acknowledge one of the many elephants in the room, but I couldn’t help myself. “Yeah. Your dad mentioned something about that. I’m really sorry Taylor.”
“It is what it is,” she tried to say as nonchalantly as possible, but as I watched her look into the distance, I could tell she was trying not to cry. She always had the bad habit of acting like she was tougher than she really was.
Before I could think better of it, I reached out and pulled her into my arms. For a few seconds, she was stiff, before relaxing into me and wrapping her arms around my waist. I felt her body start to shake a little and realized she was crying so I pulled her closer. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what was happening. Whenever I had pictured what it would be like if I ever saw Taylor Bradley again, I didn’t picture holding her in my arms as she cried over her ex-fiancé. But here we were and it felt oddly natural. Actually, it felt more than just natural. It felt really good. Too good. It made me feel guilty just how much I was enjoying the feeling of being back in her arms. It also had me worried. One touch shouldn’t send me spiraling down the Taylor rabbit hole again.
After a few minutes, she pulled away from me, wiping the tears from her eyes and smiling shyly. “I’m sorry about that,” she apologized. “I’m not sure what got into me.”
I reached out and placed my hand on her arm, surprised by the feeling that the touch sent through my whole body. “Hey. Don’t worry about it. You’re allowed to fall apart Tay. I realize I don’t know the full story, but from the little that I’ve heard, you have every right to be upset.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah, but I shouldn’t be putting it on you. It’s not fair… given… everything.”
Everything. I guess that was a good way to put it. She was the girl who had shattered my heart into a million pieces and never looked back. For seven years I was forgotten about while she started a new life without me. But that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was that, at one point, she was my best friend and, no matter how much time passed, seeing her sad was still one of the worst sights in the world.
I opened my mouth to say just that when I heard footsteps coming up behind me. “Hey Dad,” Taylor said softly. “Ready to go?”
Mr. Bradley patted my back as he walked past me and Taylor quickly turned around without saying anything else. She didn’t look back as she crawled into the car and started the engine. I started to walk away when I heard Taylor’s voice coming from her car.
“Hey Lexi. It was really nice to see you. Really nice.” When I turned around, she had her window down and was smiling slightly at me. She put the window back up before I could respond and mouthed a thank you, before pulling out of the parking lot.
I walked back toward my house in a daze. I had no clue what was happening, but I had a feeling my heart was never going to be the same.
Chapter 6: Taylor
As I took a seat across from my dad at the diner, my mind was anywhere but in that booth. All I could think about was what had just happened. Why had I latched onto Alexis like that after going seven years without seeing or speaking to her? Why did it feel so good?
I felt a hand grab onto mine from across the table and looked up to see my dad giving me a concerned look.
“Are you doing ok...with everything?” He asked hesitantly.
I closed my eyes for a moment hoping I could get away from the current situation. The last thing I wanted to do was have this conversation with my dad and I honestly hadn’t expected it. I was used to him avoiding most deep topics, especially anything that involved me dating girls.
“You don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to,” he added after I didn’t respond. “But I do think you should talk to someone. I’m sure this isn’t easy on you and I just want you to know that I love you, even if I haven’t always done the best job of showing it. I do love you and I just want you to be happy Taylor.”
His words surprised me, but what surprised me even more was the sincerity I saw on his face. He really was trying, but I just wasn’t ready to try back yet. We had a long history of misunderstandings and unspoken words and one comment wasn’t going to be enough to mend that. So I just nodded in return and we spent the rest of the meal eating mostly in silence.
Once I was back home, laying in my bed, I thought about what my dad had said. I really should talk to someone. This wasn’t one of those things that I could just pretend didn’t happen and, if my first break up taught me anything, it was just how unhealthy it is to try to ignore your heartache. Unfortunately, Josh was far away, and while I knew he wouldn’t mind spending hours on the phone with me, I needed the kind of comfort that could only be given by someone I was physically near. Much to my surprise though, the person that came to mind to talk to was someone I knew I shouldn’t. It was already awkward enough that I had cried in Alexis’s arms. It was wrong of me to turn to my ex-girlfriend for support.
That didn’t seem to matter to my hands though as they grabbed my phone and texted the number that used to belong to Alexis. Hey. This is Taylor Bradley. I don’t know if you still have the same number, but I just wanted to say thank you for tonight. I’m sorry about putting that all on you.
I cringed at the formality of it. Had I really just used my first and last name? I mean, Alexis might know other Taylors by now, but how many of them would need to say both thank you and sorry in the same text?
I thought about turning my phone on silent and putting it onto my nightstand to ignore it the rest of the night, but before I could, I heard the text tone go off and looked down to see that it was from Alexis. Don’t even worry about it. I’m glad I could be there for you. I do still care about you Tay.
Her words sent a strange sensation through my whole body. It was one I couldn’t quite place because it had been so long since I felt it. I thought for a moment before texting back. I still care about you too Lexi.
I wasn’t sure what could really be said after that and when a few minutes passed without a text, I placed the phone on my nightstand and let myself drift to sleep, not caring that it was barely past 8:00. It had been a long day.
When I awoke early the next day, I looked at my phone to find that Alexis had actually texted me again at 9:00. If you need someone to talk to, I’m willing to listen. You could always stop by the farm tomorrow if you want.
Instead of responding, I hopped out of bed and quickly got myself showered and dressed. For some reason, I decided to take extra time to straighten my hair, even though I was going to put a beanie over it anyway. When I walked into the kitchen, I found my dad drinking a coffee while reading the newspaper.
“So… are you going to the farm today?” I tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible.
My dad looked up at me with a surprised look on his face, although I wasn’t sure if he was more surprised that I was up so early or that I was actually holding a conversation with him.
He looked down at his watch before looking back up at me. “I should actually be leaving in just a minute. I told them I would just help in the mornings this week in case you needed me here for anything.”
It was a nice sentiment, but I was too distracted by the fact that he was about to head over there to really think into it too much. “Do you think I could ride over with you?” I asked quickly.
A smile spread onto his face. “Of course you can,” he said, while standing up. “Let’s go.”
As we got closer to the farm, I felt myself getting more and more nervous and started questioning why I had decided to do this.
My dad must have noticed my nerves because he put his hand on my knee and squeezed it gently. “Just remember that I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”
I nodded and tried my best to smile over at him as we pulled into the Alexis’s driveway. When I was just barely out of the car, I was greeted with a big hug.
“Taylor Bradley. My dear. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Mrs. Wright remarked as she pulled me closer.
When she pulled away, she had tears pooling in her eyes. She always was sentimental. It was what I loved about her most and what made her feel like a mother figure to me. As she wiped her tears away, she gave my arms a squeeze. “I can’t wait to catch up with you, but I have a feeling there is someone else that you have more catching up to do with,” she said with a wink.
Like clockwork, Alexis walked around the corner at that very moment. Just like yesterday, the sight of her took my breath away. She was absolutely beautiful, but not in the conventional sense. Her beauty started from the inside and radiated out of every single part of her. Her brown curls fell nicely right onto her shoulders and her small frame had always been the perfect size to wrap my arms around. I shook those thoughts from my head quickly. I shouldn’t be thinking like that.
My dad and Mrs. Wright walked away, leaving Alexis and I standing in silence. I chuckled awkwardly. “So. Hello again.”
Alexis laughed and shook her head at me. “Do you think this will ever get less weird?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m honestly not sure. I guess we could try our best to make it less weird.”
“I like that idea,” Alexis agreed, before turning around to walk toward the barn.
I followed her until we were surrounded by all sorts of animals including chickens, donkeys, and sheep. I walked over to one of the donkeys and started petting him on the heading, laughing as he nudged his head against my chest.
Alexis smiled as she watched our interaction. “I guess you probably don’t interact many animals around New York City, huh?”
“Oh, I interact with animals everyday,” I joked. “They just aren’t the cute fluffy ones that walk on all fours.”
Alexis and I spent the rest of the morning feeding the animals and setting up the farm for the day of visitors. We made small talk the whole time - mostly about the animals and the tree industry. We were sure to avoid any personal topics. It was nice, but still strange. It was clear that we were walking on eggshells around each other.
I was equal parts relieved and disappointed when my dad told me it was time to head home. Being around Alexis made me feels things that I hadn’t felt in a really long time, but it still felt like I was hanging out with an acquaintance, rather than someone I had a vast history with.
Before we left, she told me to get ahold of her when I wanted to get together again and I promised I would, although I had a feeling it might be awhile. I had a lot of thoughts and emotions I needed to work out on my own first.
Chapter 7: Alexis
I sighed loudly as I threw myself onto the couch in my family room. It was already Friday and I had yet to hear anything from Taylor since she left the farm on Monday morning. It was crazy how I could go years without seeing her and now after seeing her just once, I couldn’t make it through a few days. I turned on the tv and flipped through the channels, trying to shut off my brain, but failing completely.
“Oh no,” my mom said, as she slid in next to me. “I know that look. That’s the same look you had when Taylor skipped town.”
“It is not,” I said with a scoff. “Plus, she didn’t skip town. She went back to New York. She followed the plan. I’m the one who backed out.”
As those words left my mouth, I returned to the time when everything became doomed for Taylor and I, although we didn’t realize it right away.
A knock came on the door as Taylor and I layed snuggled together on her bed, talking about putting the finishing touches on our NYU applications. It was strange for someone to come to the door when we were at her house, since her dad normally left us alone. Taylor gave me a confused look, before hopping out of bed to get the door. When she opened the door to her dad, he whispered something in her ear and she left the room, shutting the door behind her. When she walked back into the room a few minutes later, she tried to act calm, but I noticed that her hand was shaking slightly.
“Tay, what is it?” I asked with a gulp.
She sat down on the bed and took my hands in hers. “It’s your dad Lexi. He had a heart attack. He’s at the hospital right now and so is your mom.”
Everything that followed after that was a big blur. I remember crying and asking a ton of questions as Taylor walked me out to her car, buckled my seatbelt for me, then held my hand as she drove to the hospital. She had to hold me up as we walked through the halls because I was shaking so badly with worry. When we made it to the floor that my dad was on, my mom was waiting in the lobby and as soon as I saw her, my heart dropped. Even without her saying anything, I knew he was gone. I crumpled into Taylor’s arms and wept as she held me close, placing gentle kisses on my forehead. Soon, I felt my mom’s arms wrap around me as well and Taylor let go of me so my mom and I could have a moment. When I finally pulled back and looked into her eyes, I realized that we were the only family we each had left and I knew there was no way I was going to be able to leave her at the end of the school year.
Taylor was amazing in the months that followed. She knew what it was like to lose a parent so she did everything to pull me through it. She let me take all of the stages of grief out on her and never once got upset at me. She hugged me when I screamed, held me when I needed to talk, and kissed me while I cried. She made sure my school work didn’t suffer and when I told her I was going to start out at the local community college rather than NYU, she didn’t act surprised. She even offered to stay back with me, but I wouldn’t let her. She had dreamed of getting away her whole life and I refused to be the one to stop that from happening.
It was hard being away from each other and although there were a lot of good times, we also started to fight a lot. The one thing that got us through was Taylor’s positivity about us being together in New York soon. I was starting to realize that wasn’t going to happen, but was too afraid of what might happen if I told her that…
“No need to get defensive honey.” My mom’s words brought me back to the present moment. “I wasn’t trying to bad mouth Taylor. I adore that girl as if she was my own daughter. You just have that far off look in your eyes like you had for years after she left. The look that says you’d rather be anywhere than in the present moment and by anywhere, I mean anywhere with Taylor.”
She thought for a moment, then added, “Do you wish you had gone with her?”
I squeezed her knee. “No mom. This is where I belong. I just wish it had been where she belonged too, but it wasn’t, and now it’s just strange to see her.”
“Strange in what way?” my mom pushed. She always had a way of forcing me to let all of my feelings out.
“I don’t know exactly. Everything feels so different, but it also feels like nothing has changed. She’s like a stranger to me, but my body still reacts the way it did seven years ago around her. I don’t know mom. I want to spend time with her. It feels good to be around her again. But I’m scared. She’s not back for good. I’m just setting myself up to be hurt again, but I’m not sure if I can stop it.”
My mom gave me a strained smile and patted me on the shoulder. “I’m sorry darling. I wish I could tell you what to do, but I really can’t. The thing is - Taylor is back, even if it is for just a little bit. This is a small town. You’re not going to be able to avoid her, even if you wanted to, so you need to figure out how you want to handle this.”
I sighed as I looked at my dark phone. “It seems she is doing a pretty good job of avoiding me. I haven’t heard from her since Monday
.”
“Give her time baby. Clearly she has a lot to deal with right now. I’m sure it has nothing to do with you.”
Just as the words left my mom’s mouth, I heard my phone go off. When I looked down, Taylor’s name was on the screen. Sorry I’ve been MIA this week. I was wondering if you would like to get lunch with me tomorrow.
Before I could overthink it, I sent a text back telling her that I would like that. When I looked up from my phone, my mom had a cocky smirk on her face.
“I’m going to guess that was Taylor. The look you get whenever she texts you hasn’t changed either.”
I hid my face behind a pillow, then as my mom started to laugh, I hit her with it. It was a comfort knowing that no matter what kind of hit my heart took having Taylor around that I would always have my mom to lean on.
Chapter 8: Taylor
I woke up early on Saturday morning to get myself ready to go to lunch with Alexis. After spending a lot of the week alone with my thoughts, I had decided that I didn’t want to avoid her. I wanted to spend time with her. Actually, I needed to.
She had agreed to pick me up so we could head to a small sports bar right outside of town. Like clockwork, she pulled in right at 12:00 as promised. I grabbed my coat and headed out the door, surprised to find Alexis walking up the sidewalk toward me. She was snuggled underneath a large winter coat that had a faux fur hood. I could barely see her face, but her smile sneaking through made my stomach go into knots. What was wrong with me? I thought I had left those strange feelings from seeing a pretty girl back in high school. I really believed that by my age, it was normal to grow out of that.
“Did you need something from inside?” I asked, as Alexis and I met in the middle of the sidewalk.