by Erica Lee
I tried to keep this positive attitude as we spent the whole half hour drive to the restaurant in silence. When we were finally seated across from each other, I decided I just needed to say something. I looked across at him and realized he was already staring back at me.
“Listen I...” we said in unison, followed by us each chuckling in an eerily similar fashion.
My dad put up his hand, motioning that he wanted me to listen. “I should speak first. I’m the father and it was my responsibility to say all of this a long time ago. I have so much I want to say to you, but as you and I both know, I’m not very good with words.”
I reached across the table and put my hand on top of his and his face relaxed a bit. “You don’t have much memory of your life before things got bad with your mom. When she became sick, you were so young. It was hard on me. I had to put so much effort into taking care of both of you. Now, don’t get me wrong - I would have given anything to take care of your mom for the rest of my life. There was nothing in this world that I loved more than her - except for you of course. While I did my best to stay strong and provide, your mom gave all of her time to you because she knew she didn’t have a lot. We had watched her get so weak that, by the time she passed, it was almost more peaceful than sad because we knew she wouldn’t be suffering anymore.”
He stopped for just a moment to wipe his eyes with a napkin. “But then life had to go on without her and neither of us seemed to know how to put all of the pieces back together without her there. Of course, I should have been the one to do it. It wasn’t your responsibility. You were so young. I should have done better, but I just didn’t know how to without your mom. And I’m so sorry for that.”
At this point, both of us had tears in our eyes. I opened my mouth to respond, but my dad shook his head. “There’s one more thing I need you to know. Honey, I don’t care that you’re gay. I never did. I just didn’t know how to react when you told me. I was so busy trying to figure out how your mom would respond that I didn’t just tell you how I felt. If I could do it over, I would tell you that I don’t care if you end up with a guy, a girl, or a goat. I will love you just the same. All I really want is for you to be happy.”
I smiled across the table at the man that I had spent way too long hating. “Thanks dad. I really appreciate you saying all of those things.” I paused for a moment then added, “But I really need to apologize too. Yes, it was hard growing up without mom and with the strain in our relationship and it was really hard on me when I thought you didn’t accept me for being gay. I’m not going to lie, I always dreamed of getting away. I mean, you knew that. It wasn’t any secret. But it was wrong of me to run away and never look back. I should have put in more of an effort. I’m really sorry I haven’t been there.”
My dad smiled and gave my hand another squeeze. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” I could tell by the face he made that he quickly thought better of his statement. “Well, of course that’s not all that matters. What really matters is your happiness. How are you? Really. Be honest with me.”
I couldn’t help, but roll my eyes at him. “You’ve been spending too much time with Lexi. You’re starting to sound like her now.”
My dad laughed for a few seconds, before his face became serious again. “I couldn’t help but notice that you have been spending a lot of time with Alexis as well. What is going on... ummm... I mean..how do you feel about that? Are you happy?” I could tell by the way that he awkwardly ran his hand through his hair that he was still trying to get comfortable with talking things through.
“Things are good. I’m actually really happy right now.”
My words were hesitant and I could tell my dad noticed by the way that he lifted an inquisitive eyebrow at me. “If you’re happy, then why doesn’t your tone match your words?”
A stressed sigh left my mouth in response to his question. “It’s just hard. I have a life in New York. It might not be what I always expected and, given recent events, my future is a bit up in the air, but that city has been my home for nine years now. It’s where I always dreamed of living. But now I’m back here and this feels like the dream. I went to New York to run away from my life here and now it feels like I’m here because I’m running away from New York. I don’t want to be running away anymore. I want to be running toward something. But I don’t know where that is and I’m afraid I’m going to make the wrong choice and end up hurting a lot of people, including myself.”
My dad thought for a few minutes before speaking. “I wish I could tell you what to do darling. But I can’t do that. I can’t tell you what the right answer is because I don’t believe there is a right or wrong answer. It’s not a matter of making the right decision. It’s a matter of doing what your heart tells you to do. You need to figure out where you will be truly happy to wake up every day. That may be here. That may be New York. Heck, that might even be California. Just make sure that wherever you choose makes you happy, rather than just numb.”
Numb. That word perfectly described how I had been feeling the past few years. But sometimes numb didn’t feel so bad. Sure you missed out on the true happiness he was talking about, but you also avoided the pain and after my childhood, I had been ready to avoid anymore pain. But now I wasn’t so sure. Was it really worth it to be safe from moments of pain if you had to sacrifice joy?
Chapter 13: Alexis
“Hey, how are you?” I asked, when Taylor called me after getting home from dinner with my dad.
Taylor moaned in response. “Why does everyone keep asking me that? Can’t I just have a few minutes where I don’t have to talk about my feelings.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her. I had missed the way she challenged me on everything, even just a simple question. “Fine. I didn’t actually care how you were anyway,” I joked.
“Perfect,” she quipped in return. “Can you continue to not care how I am tomorrow? In person.” She paused for a few beats before speaking again. “This is my awkward way of asking you if you haven’t grown sick of me yet and are willing to hang out with me again tomorrow.”
The truth was that I wanted to spend all of time with Taylor. I had a feeling I could spend every minute of every day with her and I wouldn’t get sick of her. I mean, we practically had in high school. There was just one little problem. “I’m actually volunteering tomorrow. I’m going caroling with a group from church. We are going to visit a few nursing homes and the hospital.”
“No worries,” Taylor answered, but I noticed a bit of disappointment in her voice.
“You wouldn’t want to come with us, would you?” I asked hesitantly. Taylor had never had much interest in church events so I didn’t want to push her.
“I’d love to!” she answered much more enthusiastically than expected.
The next day, I picked Taylor up just after lunch so we could drive to the church and meet the others who would be caroling with us. To my surprise, Taylor looked much more comfortable than I expected when we walked into the church. I could still remember how much she had tensed up the few times I had actually convinced her to attend a Christmas Eve Service with me.
“Taylor Bradley!” a voice shouted from across the room, as soon as we walked in.
We both looked in the direction of the voice and saw Pastor Dan making his way toward us. Pastor Dan had been the pastor of our church for as long as I could remember. He was an older man, now in his 70s, and I had a feeling he was going to keep preaching until the day he died. “Wow. Taylor Bradley. I had heard you were back in town, but I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it. I don’t think I’ve seen you for what? 10 years?” he asked, as he wrapped her in a tight hug. When he pulled back, he took her in for a few moments. “You know, everyone says you look just like your dad and, I mean, you obviously do. But those eyes - those are your mom’s eyes, you know.”
A sadness came into those eyes at the mention of her mom, so I reached out and took Taylor’s hand in mine, giving it a supportive squee
ze. She gave me an appreciative smile, before turning back to Pastor Dan. “Thank you sir. It has been awhile. It’s nice to see you again.”
Within a few minutes, everyone else had arrived and we were all piling into the large church van. Our first stop was the Granite Run Assisted Living Community. The community was filled with small single story homes and although all of the residents either lived alone or with a spouse, there were workers who stopped by their houses everyday to help them with daily tasks.
As we made our way from house to house, singing a Christmas song or hymn at each one, Taylor’s smile became bigger and bigger. It continued to grow as we sang for the residents at the Silver Acres Nursing Home. When we were back in the van, heading to our final destination, she leaned close to whisper in my ear. “Thank you so much for inviting me. I’m having a great time.”
“We’re headed to the hospital next. That can be a bit tough,” I warned her. While it was nice to see the smiles on the patient’s faces, it was hard to see them in pain and this particular hospital held terrible memories for both of us. Taylor instinctively grabbed my hand as we made our way inside and continued to hold it as we moved from room to room. The final room we came to belonged to a patient who had to be over 90 years old. She was connected to all sorts of machines and looked incredibly weak. Still, as soon as we entered her room, a wide smile spread across her face. We sang both Holy Night and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
When we were about to leave, the old woman asked if someone would mind saying a prayer with her. I figured Pastor Dan would do it and was surprised when I heard a voice beside me speak up. “I’ll do it,” Taylor volunteered. She dropped my hand and slowly made her way toward the woman’s hospital bed. From the way she looked around the room, I could tell the atmosphere still made her uncomfortable, taking her back to all of the days she spent visiting her mom. Still, as she knelt beside the hospital bed, she smiled sweetly at the old woman. She took the woman’s shaking hands into her own and said a quiet prayer for just the two of them to hear. As I watched the two of them, all of the feelings that I had tried my best to push away came to the surface. Somehow, after seven years apart, I still felt the exact same way about the girl in front of me. Scratch that. I think I loved her even more now. As those words entered my head, I felt a lump form in my throat. Love. Could I really love Taylor after only two weeks? Of course I could, because the truth was, I had never actually stopped loving her.
This most recent revelation caused the question of how long Taylor was staying to burn in my mind. I had to know how long it would be until I had my heart broken all over again. Once we were back in my car, I couldn’t take it anymore. “How long are you staying?” I blurted out, the words sounding much more strained than intended.
Taylor blinked over at me a few times, seeming surprised by the question. “Oh. Well, I actually got an email from my boss the other day saying they would hold my job until mid January. So I guess I have at least another month here.”
I couldn’t help, but notice that she had said at least. If the job was only being held until that time, that meant she had to be back to hold the position, unless… No, I couldn’t think like that. Taylor had never said anything that would lead me to believe she was actually considering staying. If I thought like that, I would just end up feeling even more hurt once she left.
“So, we have another month together..” I repeated, unsure what else to say.
Taylor took my hand and gave me a strained smile. “Yep,” she said, with a slight quiver in her voice.
I cleared my throat. “That was really sweet what you did back at the hospital,” I said, wanting to change the subject. “I know you’ve never been super religious so it was cool of you to do that for her.”
Taylor smiled warily at me. “Thanks. I actually have a church that I’ve been going to in New York the past few years. Although, I’ll probably have to change that now. It’s where Stacy’s whole family goes.”
“Oh,” I replied, trying my best to keep my voice level. It hurt to hear her say that. I had invited Taylor to church with me so much throughout our relationship and had only succeeded in getting her to go to a handful of Christmas Eve services. Somehow Stacy had convinced her. There had to have been something special about her that she was able to influence Taylor’s beliefs.
Taylor must have read the look on my face because she immediately started to explain herself. “It’s not what you think. I know I turned down going to church with you for years and I really am sorry about that. You were right. I should have given it a chance. I didn’t agree to go with Stacy because I cared more. You always gave me the choice. Stacy didn’t give me choices. She gave me ultimatums and one of those was if I didn’t show up to church with her family every week, she would dump me. At first, that was the only reason I went, but after awhile something changed and I wanted to be there.”
I nodded my head in response, trying my best to understand. It was weird seeing Taylor as a vulnerable person who could be forced into anything. She was the strongest person I knew. The Taylor I knew growing up wouldn’t have done something just because she was given an ultimatum, would she? A lump formed in my throat when I thought about the time I had threatened to break up with her if she didn’t go to New York. It was the only time I had tried to make a choice for her and she had done exactly what I asked her to. Of course, I had done it with her own interest at heart, but now I couldn’t help but wonder if that was the only reason she went. Would she have stayed otherwise? More importantly, with my feelings aside, what did she actually want to do?
I turned to Taylor to see that she was still waiting for a response from me, so I shook all of those thoughts from my head. “So I take it Stacy’s family is really religious?” I asked, avoiding all of the questions I actually cared about.
Taylor groaned in response. “Stacy’s family is really into their image. A good catholic family goes to church every Sunday, so that’s what they do. The rest of the week, they do whatever they want. I actually tried to talk about the service with Stacy once when I was starting to come around to the idea and she shot me down. She told me that church lasts for an hour and doesn’t need to be dragged out any longer than that.”
“Wow,” was all I was able to get out in response. It hurt me to think that this was the type of person Taylor had spent the past five years with. Taylor was sweet, charming, and selfless, and as far as I could tell, Stacy had none of those traits. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to tell her exactly how I felt.
“Hey Taylor.. I…” the way she looked over at me as I spoke, made me stop mid-sentence. Her face was filled with sincerity and hope, but also a touch of pain. She was hanging on every word I said and I didn’t want to say anything that could end up making things harder on her. “I just hope you know that you deserve better than that.”
Her face relaxed as she smiled over at me. “I know. But thank you. It really does mean a lot to hear that from you.”
Chapter 14: Taylor
The day after caroling, I asked Alexis if I could go to church with her. I felt guilty about admitting that Stacy had gotten me to start going to church, but also sincerely wanted to go. It was a good service and I felt rejuvenated as we made our way out of the church. Of course, that also may have had something to do with the fact that Alexis and I had grabbed hands as soon as we stood up and the fact that this simple gesture had become so natural between us felt beyond perfect.
“Hey girls!” Pastor Dan shouted over to us before we could make it outside. He walked as quickly as he could toward us, almost as though he thought we would actually turn around and run away. “I’m glad I caught you,” he said breathlessly. “I was talking to Pastor Benjamin from our sister church about an hour from here and he told me they are looking for some more volunteers for the Christmas event that they are holding at the Harvey Soup Kitchen next Saturday. It was apparently started about two years ago by two girls that I believe are right around your age. I might be wrong ab
out that. The old brain doesn’t work as well these days. But anyway, I do know that they have Santa Claus bring presents to underprivileged children. It’s apparently grown a lot over the past two years and they could use some extra helping hands. It sounded like something you two might enjoy. So, what do you say? Could I tell them you’ll help.”
“I’m in!” I answered enthusiastically. I couldn’t think of anything better than spending time with Alexis while also helping to bring smiles to kids’ faces.
“I’m in too,” Alexis echoed, sounding just as excited as I felt.
As we arrived in the small town a week later, it looked like Christmas had thrown up on it. There were lights, Santas, and Christmas trees all over the place. The only thing more prevalent than the Christmas decorations was the name Harvey. It was on almost every building - the school, the bank, restaurants, bars, and of course, the soup kitchen. I raised an eyebrow at Alexis who just smiled and shrugged in response.
As soon as we walked through the doors of the soup kitchen, an older woman ran over to us and immediately wrapped both of us in a big hug. “Welcome!” she beamed. “You must be Alexis and Taylor. I’m so happy you could help us out. It’s great to meet both of you. My name is Barbara Harvey, but you can just call me nana. That’s what everyone else calls me.”
She directed us inside as she continued to talk at a mile a minute. “We’re going to have you two serving food if that’s ok. But we still have some time before anyone arrives. Follow me. I must introduce you to my granddaughters.”
When we arrived in the back room, I noticed two girls, who couldn’t have been much more than two or three years older than Alexis and I, wearing elf costumes. One of them was rushing around the room checking on all of the food and rapidly typing into her phone, while the other was pretending to play an air guitar while singing along to the Christmas music playing on the radio. The more serious of the two turned to look at her fellow elf and rolled her eyes, but she didn’t seem angry. There was a gleam in her eyes that was causing my gaydar to immediately be set off in my head. Apparently when nana said granddaughters, she must have been talking about one biological granddaughter and said granddaughter's significant other.