BARKER Well, well, well Mr. Taggart. A great pleasure. I’ve so admired your work. It’s almost like magic the way you can turn the most trivial formula picture into a penetrating character study. I’m Bertram Barker, the President of the Yetta Felson School.
FRANK You’re more than kind, Mr. Barker. Malcolm?
MALCOLM I work part-time in the office. I hope you don’t mind that I’m moonlighting.
FRANK Of course not. I just sat in on the scene study class. Yetta Felson is a genius. Such insight. I’d love to meet her.
BARKER In due time, my boy, in due time.
FRANK (Passionately.) I can’t wait to roll up my sleeves and get to work. I have so many demons needing to be released.
BARKER Well, young man, just sign here on the dotted line and you can start releasin’ them demons tomorrow night. (He hands Frank a sheath of papers.)
FRANK A thick contract. I suppose I should take it home and read it.
MITCHELL It’s a standard acting school contract.
MARTA Darling, don’t waste your time reading the fine print.
R.G. Most definitely migraine inducing.
MALCOLM There’s no harm in him taking it home overnight.
MITCHELL Malcolm, stick to filing and light typing. Taggart, trust me, it’s strictly standard stuff.
FRANK Hell, why not. Where do I sign?
BARKER At the bottom of the page here. All four copies. You’ll be getting your card in three weeks.
As Frank signs the contracts, Barker gives a cynical wink to Mitchell.
BARKER Shall we have a drink toasting our new member?
Malcolm passes out shot glasses.
FRANK Thank you sir, but I think I’ll pass.
BARKER Drink. Drink. Have a snort. It’s a crime to pass up good Russian vodka. I knew from the first second I saw him up on the screen he was one of us.
MITCHELL We’re in the presence of a true artist.
Frank takes a shot, his hand betraying an alcoholic’s tremor.
BARKER That’a boy.
MITCHELL Congratulations.
All drink.
MARTA (On upper level.) Welcome aboard, darling.
BARKER Drake, you’re the genius writer. Tell Frank more about our operations . . . I mean our artistic manifesto.
MITCHELL To us, acting is more than just making faces. It’s a way of looking at life. That’s why we’re making every effort to make message films that expose society’s corruption. The kind of performance we develop here at the studio can be painful but as Spinoza says “pain and pleasure are merely transitions to a greater state of perfection.” It’s a revolutionary approach.
FRANK (In rapture.) Yes, yes, revolutionary.
BARKER First we take over Hollywood and then the nation. Nostrovya!
ALL (Except Frank.) Nostrovya!
MALCOLM (Enthusiastically.) After the revolution, sex roles will be undefined. We’ll accept that we’re all part male and female and that human nature is meant to be bi-sexual.
BARKER Oh ho ho, wait just a minute. Don’t get carried away, son. There ain’t no place in the revolution for that kind of thinking.
MALCOLM What do you mean? You told me when I joined the party, that you were all for sexual freedom.
BARKER No siree, you weren’t listening. I never said that. I meant free love between men and women.
MALCOLM But I thought Marxism meant that all workers were one, all equal.
BARKER That’s right, kid. All equal and all normal. In the American communist society, all bedrooms will be monitored. Those who don’t conform will be dragged into the light.
MALCOLM I’m finally coming to my senses. What could I have been thinking of? You’re not my friends. You people are dangerous.
MARTA You’re the one who’s dangerous. You’d destroy the revolution with your decadence.
MITCHELL Deviationist!
R.G. Trotskyite!
FRANK Hey, wait just a minute. Malcolm was just saying . . .
MARTA Shut up! Wrong thinkers must be weeded out and destroyed.
R.G. There can be only one voice and that belongs to the state. Hail Big Brother!
ALL Hail Big Brother and Mother Russia!
MALCOLM This has been most enlightening. I think it’s time for me to leave. I’ll have you know I’m ripping up my membership card.
MITCHELL You insignificant worm. You think you can fight the party? Not a chance. We’ll bury you.
R.G. What do you suppose you’ll do for a job?
MALCOLM I have a job with Frank Taggart.
BARKER I happen to know your employer and you’ve just been fired.
FRANK Hey, I never said . . .
BARKER Shut up! (To Malcolm.) Kid, you’ll never work in this town again.
MALCOLM Then I’ll move to another city. I’m competent. I’ve got skills. There’s always a position for a good hairdresser.
MARTA You fool. After we start our whispering campaign, no first rate salon would ever hire you. Eventually they’ll revoke your operator’s license. Perhaps you could get a job as a hairburner in some flea-bitten perm parlor off the highway but even there, after a few weeks, your employer will receive a copy of your membership card. Then see how fast they’ll snatch away your perm rods.
R.G. I’m afraid there’s no place you can hide. No place to run.
MALCOLM I’d rather take that chance. Dear Lord in heaven, forgive me for losing my faith.
MITCHELL Can it with that Bible junk!
MALCOLM Mother Mary, full of grace, how wrong I was to denounce my country, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing . . .
MARTA (Hands over her ears.) Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
MALCOLM God save us all. (He runs out. Exit SL door.)
BARKER Benson, follow him. The little twirp wouldn’t dare sing to the FBI with all the dirt we’ve got on him. Still, I want you to monitor his every move. Marts, start the whispering campaign.
MARTA (Whispering.) Yes sir.
R.G. I’ll be on him like a hound dog after a fox.
BARKER Yeah, yeah, yeah, just beat it.
R.G. Exits SL door.
FRANK It’s late. I should be going.
MITCHELL You’re not getting cold feet, are you?
FRANK To be honest, I am. I signed up for a class in Stanislavsky’s method, not a political organization.
BARKER Oh you didn’t, huh. (Picks up contract.) You should have read the fine print. “I Frank Taggart, am hereby a loyal sworn member of the Communist party and dedicate my life to the downfall and destruction of the American way of life.”
FRANK You fat tub of lard, you conned me.
He springs at Barker, Mitchell belts him in the stomach. Frank doubles over and sinks back into the chair.
MITCHELL Should we have the goon squad toss him into the Pacific?
BARKER No. I think Mr. Taggart has gotten that little demon out of his system. Eh Nisowitz?
FRANK How did you know that was my name?
MARTA The party knows everything about you. We’ve got a dossier on Moishe Nisowitz three inches thick.
MITCHELL We know where you came from and why you had to leave. I don’t think the fan magazines would like to hear how the young Moishe Nisowitz killed his childhood buddy.
FRANK It was an accident. Izzie and I were kayaking in the East River. We were horseplaying as teenagers do and he hit himself over the head with an oar and fell into the river. It was an accident.
MITCHELL The police would be very interested in hearing your side of the story since you ran away like a coward.
MARTA Darling, it doesn’t look good. My prediction is definitely twenty years to life.
FRANK The studio would bail me out. They’ve got the top lawyers in . . .
BARKER Forget it, Nisowitz, you’re in a bind. Swear your loyalty to the party. Swear it!
MITCHELL Swear it!
MARTA Swear it!
FRANK (Grabbing his head with both hands in torment.) I can’
t take anymore. Why are you browbeating me?
MITCHELL (Scientifically.) He’s cracking.
BARKER We’re your friends, Frankie. Not the government, not the studio. Just place your right hand on this here copy of Karl Marx and say “I swear loyalty to the Communist party.”
From behind the file cabinet, we see Mary hiding. First we see her hat, then her eyes. She is wearing the silly hat the salesgirl carried in at Bullocks.
MITCHELL We don’t have all night, Nisowitz.
FRANK (Painfully.) I swear . . . I swear loyalty to the Communist party.
Mary’s eyes nearly pop out.
BARKER Let’s get down to business. We must begin to implement our three step plan to take over the motion picture industry. Number one: All film scripts must promote the communist way of life. I see these films shot in a nice black and white. Number two: the termination of personal ambition. All starlets will be rounded up and shipped off to re-education camps. Number three and most important: the end of the star system. No person can be placed above the proletariat. All films will be ensemble productions with no star billing, no glamour wardrobe and definitely no special lighting or filters. (Mary’s eyes register total contempt.) Any star who defies the system will be eliminated. (Mary gasps.) What was that?
MARTA It must be someone upstairs in the sense memory class.
BARKER Taggart, this is where you come in. The symbol of capitalist Hollywood is the Arthur Freed musical unit over at Metro. It must be destroyed.
FRANK But what can I do?
MITCHELL Your wife is shooting a musical about Lady Godiva. We want you to spy on her. Use her to get all the dirt on the Freed unit, who’s boffing who, which men are fairies, who’s on drugs.
BARKER We need you to get the dirt that women only discuss in the privacy of their homes.
MARTA And you’ll get plenty from that loudmouthed Pilford dame. She’s been flapping her trap about me since I got off the train at Union Station.
Mary in disgust, gasps and forgets to duck down. Mitchell sees her.
MITCHELL Hey look!
BARKER You get out here.
FRANK Mary, what are you doing here?
MARY I had to see for myself if my suspicions were true. This is far worse than I ever imagined.
MARTA So the good little wife finally wakes up.
FRANK Can it, Marta.
MARTA I’m not afraid of her.
MARY Marta, I feel very sorry for you.
MARTA Sorry for me?
MARY Because in your quest for love, you’ve allowed yourself to be manipulated into a world of corruption. Now that corruption is showing in your face and that’s the kind of ugliness even the House of Westmore can’t repair.
MARTA She can’t talk to me that way. Mr. Barker, do something.
MARY (To Frank.) Don’t you see darling, that everything they’re feeding you is a lie. All of these people are embittered failures who couldn’t make it within the system so now they seek to destroy it. Look at Marta, spinning her wheels in B-movies. She didn’t have what it takes to be a true star, beauty, glamour, drive. There always have been stars and there always will be. It’s the reason one kitten stands out in a litter. It’s part of the great cosmos around us. Politics come and go but the star system is eternal.
MARTA (Viciously.) It’s a lie! A lie! You’re not an actress. There’s no interior life behind you’re eyes. You have a dead face. Dead! Blank! Dead!
MARY Come to your senses, darling. It’s wrong. It’s all wrong. Jamison has the car waiting for us around the block. Take me home, darling.
Frank moves towards her.
BARKER Trailing after the little woman. You’re weak, Taggart, you’re weak.
FRANK But she’s my wife.
BARKER No wonder your audience laughs at your love scenes. Pathetic.
MITCHELL (With great vulgarity.) Be a man. Grow some hair on your balls.
MARTA Remember Izzie in the East River.
FRANK (Tortured, makes up his mind.) Go home, Mary.
MARY Frank!
FRANK I told you to go home. This is where I belong.
MARY I don’t believe you. You’ve been brainwashed.
MITCHELL You heard what the man said. Get lost.
FRANK Yeah, beat it. Get out of here. If you thought you could lead me around on a leash, you were very much mistaken. I’m not one of your flunkies who jump at your every command.
MARY Darling, what are you saying?
FRANK I’m saying we’re through. I’m not coming home again.
MARY Say it so I’ll believe it.
FRANK Go home!
MARY I don’t believe you.
FRANK Go home!
MARY It’s the party speaking. I want to hear from your own lips that you want me to leave.
FRANK (As loud as he can shout.) GO HOME!!!!
MARY (Quietly.) Very well, I’ll leave. Good luck Frank. You’ll need it.
MARTA Dead Face!
(Mary starts to exit but decides to prove to Marta that she doesn’t have a dead face. She proceeds to look wistfully, then hurt, then vengeful, then tormented. She sneers, curls her lip and generally gives Marta every look that could kill. When she finishes this display of facial pyrotechnics, she matter-of-factly says:)
MARY Good night. (Exits SR.)
BARKER She knows too much. Something must be done.
FRANK What are you saying?
MITCHELL Something must be done about Mary Dale.
BARKER (To Frank.) And you’re going to do it.
FRANK (Panicked.) No! No! You can’t ask me to do that. Please!
MARTA Frank you wouldn’t want us to tell the FBI that we’ve found Moishe Nisowitz. They’re very anxious to know more about that nasty little crime which may or may not have been a murder. Either angle won’t look good on your resume.
MITCHELL Here’s the situation, Taggart. Mary’s life and we cover it up most efficiently or your previous crime is revealed and you’re sent up the river on first degree murder. It’s your choice.
BARKER Quite a pickle you’re in, Taggart. Quite a pickle.
FRANK Please. There must be another way. Please. Please.
The three communists close in on the pleading Frank.
BLACKOUT
END OF ACT I
ACT TWO
SCENE 1
The next morning at the studio. The set of “Godiva Was a Lady.”
R.G. Benson enters SR. Stagehands set up R.G.’s directing chair and a klieg light. RUDY, the assistant director, enters with a clapboard. Mary enters dressed as a musical comedy Lady Godiva, with a long switch of hair attached to her short 1950s coiffure.
R.G. Mary, are you ready?
MARY Yes, darling.
R.G. Quiet please. We’re ready to shoot. (BELL rings.) Lights! Camera! Rudy, slate it.
RUDY (Snapping the clapboard.) “Godiva Was a Lady” Scene 23. Take 1.
R.G. Roll playback
VOICEOVER Rolling tape.
Music starts.
R.G. Action!
(MARY begins lipsynching to playback. The song is a cheerful upbeat tune suitable for a musical about Lady Godiva. Midway through the number, she falters.)
R.G. Are you all right?
MARY I’m sorry. I got lost.
R.G. Darling, you must sit down for a spell.
MARY But R.G. I know time is money.
R.G. Not on a R.G. Benson picture. (To the crew.) Everyone, break for ten!
MARY You’re awfully kind. I can see why every actress in town longs to work for you. (She sits in the director’s chair.)
R.G. I must tell you, dear, I am concerned. There’s something troubling you. I can see it in the dailies when I watch your closeups. Trouble at home?
MARY Don’t you read the fan magazines? My life is perfect. The perfect career, the perfect house, the perfect marriage . . . (She breaks down.) Oh R.G., it’s far from perfect. I can’t lie to you. Your eyes are too honest.
R.G. Go
on, dear, tell me everything.
MARY I’m afraid I can’t. It’s too awful. Frankly R.G., I don’t know how I can go on.
R.G. I have faith in you, Mary. You’re from good strong stock, with all the right values. You’ll endure and survive.
MARY Strange you should say that. I was brought up on the simple values taught to me by my grandmother who was taught by her grandmother that life could be beautiful. One married, had children, worked hard and made a profit. Now I find my every belief shattered and exposed to ridicule.
R.G. Mary, you’re tired. You’ve shot five pictures back to back.
MARY Oh, I am tired. I can’t sleep. I lie in bed wondering where I went wrong. I feel so helpless. So small.
R.G. Mary, I think I can help you. (Reaches in his pocket and takes out a vial of pills.) I’m going to give you these sleeping pills. Take one a night and you will find your restful sleep.
MARY All in a little pill.
R.G. Promise me you won’t be foolish and take too many.
MARY I promise, Dr. Benson.
R.G. I have one other prescription. Lose yourself in work. Whatever your private hell is, use it in this role. Expose yourself. And be the great actress we know you can be.
MARY The great actress. I wonder.
R.G. Mary, don’t do this to yourself.
MARY Let’s be honest, R.G., we both know I’m not really an actress. I’m a glamorous personality. I’ve never appeared in a real role, in a real play. You can’t call what I do, acting.
R.G. Mary Dale, you stop this at once! Do you hear me? If you want to be a real actress, then act! I’ve got a script that would be perfect for you. It’s a serious drama that sends home a powerful message, it’s a blistering indictment, never shirking from it’s ugly truths.
MARY (Vulnerably.) You’d really want me?
R.G. What a challenge to reveal to the public a new Mary Dale, devoid of make-up.
Mary’s eyes pop open wide with alarm and suspicion.
R.G. Now mind you, it’s not a star vehicle. It’s an ensemble piece. You wouldn’t be over the title. It’ll be shot in black and white on a very low budget. No glamorous wardrobe or flattering lighting, or filters.
Mary listens to him with mounting horror. He’s spouting the radical plans she overheard at the communist cell.
R.G. I can see it intrigues you.
MARY Indeed. R.G., I’ve always meant to ask you, what is that marvelous cologne you wear? I know I’ve smelled it somewhere else.
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 18