by Ashlee Price
“Maybe she ate something at school yesterday?” Dr. Williams suggests.
I shrug. “I make her lunch, but you know, sometimes she eats other kids’ lunches, they swap…”
“I know.” Dr. Williams places a hand on my shoulder. “Anyway, we already ran some tests so we’re just waiting for results. In the meantime, we just need to keep her here so she can be observed and rehydrated.”
“Yes, of course.”
I stare at Alexa, who’s currently asleep in her pink hospital gown, her hair turned to one side and her eyelids shut tight.
Poor girl. She must be exhausted from all that throwing up.
I run my fingers through her braided hair. Countless brown strands have already escaped from the rubber bands. I bring it to my lips, tears brimming in my eyes.
Alexa is all I have. She’s my world, my everything. If anything worse than this happened to her, if I lost her, I don’t know what I would do.
Dr. Williams squeezes my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Mrs. Halfield. Your daughter will be just fine.”
“Thank you,” I tell her, patting her hand.
She leaves the room, but a moment later, someone else steps in. Turning my head, I see Conner standing in front of the door. His eyelids and eyebrows are pulled up, his mouth stretched.
I quickly wipe my eyes as I leave Alexa’s side to face him. “What are you doing here?”
His gaze shifts from Alexa to me. “We have a daughter?”
Chapter Three
Conner
Staring at the girl lying on the hospital bed, taking note of how her hair is the same color as mine and calculating her age, I quickly put two and two together.
I have a daughter.
Ingrid and I have a child.
I know it. The explosion of warmth in my chest, taking over my heart and spreading throughout my body, and the coil in my gut tell me so.
I’m a father.
“Shh.”
Ingrid holds a finger to her lips as she pushes me out of the room, glancing at the girl before closing the door behind her.
“What are you doing here?” she asks again.
“I overheard your phone call,” I tell her. “It wasn’t deliberate, just habit. I heard something about a hospital, and you looked so worried, so I thought you had a family emergency.”
She folds her arms across her chest. “And you thought you’d take advantage of that.”
“No. I thought you might need some help.”
“What? You thought you’d be there for me to lean on? You’d be my hero so that I could feel like I owe you something and do you a favor, maybe find your story for you?”
I frown. “Do you really think I’m that low?”
“Yes,” she answers without hesitation.
I sigh. “Fine. Think what you want of me, but answer my question. Is the girl in that room…” I point to the glass. “…our daughter?”
“She’s my daughter,” Ingrid corrects, placing a hand over her heart as she faces the glass. “I gave birth to her. I taught her to walk, to talk. I took care of her day and night. I raised her all on my own.”
As she speaks, her voice softens, a gleam comes into her eyes and a tender smile plays on her lips. It’s a side of her I’ve never seen, and once again, she has me blown me away.
I stand beside her. “And I admire you for that. I can only imagine all the hardships you’ve endured.”
“No, you can’t.” She turns to me. “You can’t imagine the pain of bringing a person into this world. You can’t imagine the complete exhaustion of going through one sleepless night after another. You can’t imagine the helplessness of hearing a baby cry and not knowing what to do. You can’t imagine the scenarios that go through your mind when you’re at work and your child is with a stranger. You can’t imagine that tug on your heart or that feeling of self-loathing when your child needs something and you can’t give it. You can’t imagine the worry that eats you from the inside out when you send off your kid to school for the first time, not knowing if she’ll make friends or if the teacher will be nice or if she’ll come home unscathed and happy.”
I nod slowly. “I understand.”
Ingrid shakes her head. “No, you don’t.”
“Alright.” I draw a deep breath. “I can’t imagine and I can’t understand, but you know what I can do? I can listen to you while you tell me everything about her. I can be here for you now, for both of you, and experience whatever hardships are yet to come together with you. I can take care of you, of both of you. You just have to let me.”
She places her hands on her hips. “Just that easy, huh?”
“Yes.” I place a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to look into my eyes. “I can’t change the past or rewind it, but I can be here now and in the future.”
“And what makes you think I want you in her future or in mine?”
“Because you know she needs me.” I take my hand off. “Because I’m her father.”
She snorts. “You’re so sure of that, aren’t you?”
I nod.
For a moment, Ingrid falls silent. Then she lets out a sigh as she leans against the wall.
“Alexa.”
My eyebrows bunch up.
“Your daughter’s name is Alexa,” she explains.
I smile, my heart welling up as I repeat the name. “Alexa. It’s a beautiful name.”
She nods.
“Thank you, Ingrid.”
She shrugs. “For what? I haven’t said you could do anything yet.”
She faces the window once more, hands in her pockets. “You can be in her life, but on two conditions.”
“I’m listening.”
“One, you don’t get to make any major decisions about her life. I make the decisions.”
“Okay.”
“Two, you can’t tell her you’re her father.”
“What?” I raise my hands in disbelief.
“Not at first,” Ingrid clarifies. “I’ve told her that her father’s dead.”
I bite my lower lip. “You hated me that much, huh?”
“You have no idea.” She turns to me. “I kept wondering why, of all the men in the world, did you have to be her father? Why you? I’d rather it be anyone else but you.”
I wince.
I know it was wrong for me to take her camera and her story, but I never thought I’d regret it this much.
“Let me make this clear,” she continues. “I may be letting you into my daughter’s life but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you. I’m just doing this for Alexa, because I think it’s what’s best for her, but the moment I get the notion that it isn’t, I can kick you out of her life as easily as I can flick an ant off a table. Do you understand?”
“I understand.”
“Good.” She exhales.
I rub my chin. “So, what do I tell her, then?”
“That you’re an old friend?” Ingrid suggests.
I shrug. “Fine.”
At this point, I’d do anything to get to know my daughter.
“Mrs. Halfield?” a plump nurse asks as she comes down the corridor.
Ingrid raises her hand. “Here, although it’s Ms. Halfield.”
“Oh, sorry.” The nurse stops in front of her. “I need you to come with me and sign some papers.”
“Of course.”
“I can do it,” I volunteer.
“Really?” Ingrid purses her lips. “Do you know Alexa’s birthday?”
I start counting on my fingers. “November…”
“Do you know her blood type?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“I’m sorry, Conner, but you know nothing about her.” She tucks her hands into her pockets. “Just stay here and watch over her until I come back.”
She walks off with the nurse, who glances at me with a suspicious look on her face.
“Just stay here and watch,” I repeat, nodding. “Fine.”
I go inside the hospital room, closing
the door behind me. It almost looks like a child’s bedroom, butterflies on the wall and stars on the ceiling, a box of wooden fruits on the table.
I sit on the only chair beside the bed, staring at Alexa, grinning at how she seems to be the spitting image of me.
My daughter.
I still can’t believe I have a daughter. I never thought I’d have one.
Yes, I’ve been with many women, but I’ve always been careful. Well, except for that one night at Damien Shore’s house when I was too excited to fuck the ravishing woman I was with and thought I didn’t have time to put on a condom.
Yes, those were twelve minutes of heaven. Still, I never thought they would lead to an angel.
Slowly, I reach out to touch Alexa’s hand, careful to avoid the needle attached to her.
I never thought I was cut out to be a father, because I’d barely had one of my own. Yet now, as I gaze down on my daughter, my chest so tight I can barely breathe, I wonder.
What if this was what I was really meant to be?
Suddenly, she stirs, her eyes fluttering open to reveal blue irises. Ah, that she got from her mother, that and her rounded chin. The rest she got from me—her hair, her nose, her cheeks, even her thin lips.
I’ve been attracted to many women before, yes, but this is the first time I’ve fallen in love with a girl at first sight.
She throws me a puzzled look. “Who are you?”
A lump forms in my throat as I feel an urge to tell her the truth, but remembering Ingrid’s condition, I swallow.
“Conner. I’m a friend of your mother.”
“My mother doesn’t have any guy friends,” Alexa says.
“Really, now?”
That confirms my suspicion that Ingrid isn’t dating anyone, which brings a satisfied smile to my face. Then again, I suppose with a child, she doesn’t really have time for men.
“Maybe not here in Boulder,” I tell Alexa. “But I was her friend in Dallas.”
“Where’s that?”
“You’ve never heard of Dallas?” I rub her hand. “It’s in Texas. It’s one of the largest cities in the United States.”
“Texas? Are there cowboys there?”
I chuckle. “You bet there are.”
“Are you a cowboy?”
“No, but I could dress like one if you like.”
“Can you dance like one?” Alexa asks.
I scratch the back of my head. “I’m sorry, darling, but dancing isn’t really…”
“Please?” Alexa begs, giving me puppy dog eyes.
And how can I refuse them?
“You’re putting me on the spot here, Alexa.” I get off the chair. “But fine, I’ll do it as long as you promise me that you’ll get better.”
She grins, showing the gap between her front teeth. “I feel better already.”
Smart girl. Charming. I’m falling more and more in love with her every second.
“Okay then.”
Standing as far away from the bed as I can without hitting the wall, I turn around twice. Then, grabbing the buckle of my invisible belt, I cross my legs, kick them back and forth, and then swing them left and right in long strides.
“Yee-haw!” Alexa claps.
Just then, the door opens and Ingrid makes her entrance.
“Sweetheart, you’re awake.” She rushes to Alexa’s side as I stop my performance. “And you’re clapping. You’re not supposed to be clapping.”
“But Conner is so good at cowboy dancing,” Alexa says.
“Still, you’re not supposed to move this hand too much.” Ingrid puts Alexa’s left hand by her side. “You don’t want the needle to come off, do you?”
“I don’t want the needle at all.”
“Oh, but sweetheart, you need it for now.” Ingrid cups her cheeks. “You need it to be strong.”
“You did promise me you’d get better,” I pipe in.
“Okay.” Alexa sighs.
“Good girl.” Ingrid pinches her cheek lightly, then turns to me. “So, you’ve met.”
“Yes. I’ve had the pleasure.” I approach the bed. “Didn’t I tell you I was her friend?”
“Mommy, why didn’t you tell me you were friends with a cowboy?” Alexa asks.
Ingrid’s jaw drops.
“Hey, I never said I was a cowboy, remember?” I tell Alexa. “In fact, I specifically said I wasn’t.”
Alexa’s eyebrows furrow. “What’s specificafally?”
“It means clearly,” Ingrid answers before I can.
Alexa smiles. “Mommy’s good with words. She’s a writer.”
I grin. “I know.”
“Are you a writer, too?”
I rub the back of my head. “As a matter of fact, I am.”
“Yes, he is,” Ingrid confirms.
“Are you as good as Mommy?” Alexa asks.
I chuckle.
“No,” Ingrid answers before I can again.
I frown but don’t protest.
“Enough with the questions.” Ingrid pats her head. “You should rest.”
“But I just woke up,” Alexa protests.
“You should rest some more,” Ingrid tells her. “The doctor said if you stop throwing up so much and your stomach stops hurting and you look better, we can go home tomorrow.”
“That’s a lot of ands.”
“Rest.” Ingrid kisses her forehead. “The sooner you get better, the sooner we can get back to our apartment.”
~
Setting Alexa’s backpack down by the couch, I pause to admire Ingrid’s apartment.
The same ivory wallpaper with blue flowers covers all the walls. The ceiling is cream; the floor of the living room is cloaked in wooden tiles, the kitchen in linoleum. A granite counter separates the two. Beyond it I can see a fridge, a stove and a sink beneath a cupboard. In the living room, the television hangs on the wall above a shelf filled to the brim with books. The top is littered with picture frames, mostly holding pictures of Alexa.
I pick one of them up, smiling at the sight of a baby Alexa trying to eat the ear of her teddy bear.
Behind me, Ingrid gathers the toys and books on the couch, shoving them in a corner so Alexa can lie down. After she does, Ingrid throws a quilt over her.
“There,” she says, tucking the quilt under Alexa’s chin. “Comfy?”
“I need my teddy bear,” Alexa says.
“Right.”
Ingrid disappears into one of the two doors I can see, the left one, and returns with a purple teddy bear.
“There you go.” Ingrid hands the toy to Alexa, who welcomes it with open arms.
“Is purple your favorite color?” I ask Alexa.
She nods. “I like red, too, but Mommy doesn’t.”
“I see.” I glance at Ingrid, who’s glaring at Alexa.
“It’s true,” Alexa insists.
Ingrid turns to me. “Well, thanks for helping us get home. We’re okay now.”
In other words, I’m no longer needed.
“Alright.” I nod, grabbing my suitcase. “I guess I’ll go…”
Alexa sits up. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeees,” I drawl, the look of disappointment on her small face tugging at my heart.
“But I thought you were staying here.”
“Honey.” Ingrid places a hand on her shoulder. “Conner can’t stay here.”
“Why not? Where will he stay?”
Ingrid glances at me.
“I’m sure I can find a place where I can crash,” I answer.
“Crash?” Alexa’s thick eyebrows go up. “Why can’t you crash here?”
“Well…”
“For one thing, our apartment is a mess,” Ingrid tells Alexa.
“He doesn’t mind,” she answers. “Right, Conner?”
“Not at all,” I answer.
Ingrid narrows her eyes at me. “And we don’t have a spare bedroom, remember, sweetheart? We can’t very well let a friend sleep on the couch.”
; “He can use my bedroom,” Alexa says. “I don’t really sleep in it.”
Ingrid frowns.
“It’s fine, really,” I speak up. “Your mother has enough to worry about.”
“But you can help her, right?” Alexa looks at me. “I thought you were friends.”
“Well, yes, but…”
“Please?” Alexa begs, turning her puppy dog eyes towards me before giving them to her mother. “Please, Mommy? We’ve never had a guest before.”
“What do you mean?” Ingrid asks. “Janine sleeps over sometimes.”
“She’s not a guest. She’s a neighbor.”
Ingrid sighs. “Sometimes I think you’re too smart.”
“You know, when you say that, it usually means you’re going to say yes,” Alexa says. “Are you going to say yes? Can Conner stay here? Please?”
Ingrid glances at me.
“If you want me to stay, I will,” I tell her.
“Please, Mommy?” Alexa repeats.
Ingrid stands up. “Fine. Conner can stay, but only temporarily.”
“What’s tempirarily?”
“Temporarily,” Ingrid corrects. “It means only for a little while.”
“Yay!” Alexa cheers, throwing her fists in the air.
I smile, but I turn serious as Ingrid turns to me, hands on her hips.
“You understand what temporarily means, don’t you?”
I put down my suitcase and give her a salute. “Yes, ma’am.”
Chapter Four
Ingrid
I can’t believe I let them talk me into this, I think as I sit on the couch and turn off the TV. Alexa is already tucked in my bed for the night.
I should have said no. I should have put my foot down and let Alexa know who’s boss, just as I’ve told myself to do time and time again. Yet, like all the other times, I failed.
It’s not that I’m spoiling Alexa. It’s just that I can’t refuse her whenever she asks me for something I can give which I think may not be entirely bad for her and which I know she deserves. And God knows she deserves a lot I haven’t been able to give her.
Problem is, I have a feeling she knows it, which is why stuff like this keep happening.
I rest my head on the edge of the couch and stare at the ceiling, sighing.
Wait. No. This isn’t Alexa’s fault. It’s Conner’s for showing up here in Boulder, for following me to the hospital just because he can’t shut off his nosiness, for demanding to be let into Alexa’s life and for not giving her the right answers earlier, making her think it would be best if he stayed here.