by Boom, Naomi
“Of course not,” Gavin replied adamantly. “Well, maybe.” He glared at his scotch, deciding finally to confide in his friend, whom he had sorely missed the past two months. “I cannot seem to get her out of my system. Try as I might.”
Lord Collins whistled his feigned surprise. “So what are you going to do? You cannot allow her to marry Dunbar. Not if you love her.”
“There is nothing that I can do. I am not in love, just possessed of an infatuation that will not subside.”
“That sounds exactly like love to me,” dubiously responded Lord Collins.
Gavin did not acknowledge his friend’s statement. If that was the case, then he truly was in a pickle. He did not believe in love, although the idea of love held an appeal like none other. If love existed, then he could have a relationship with a woman that went far beyond any physical satisfaction he had ever experienced. He could have someone to share all of himself with. Not just the positive aspects of himself, but also the flaws that were so numerous and seemingly insurmountable at times. Yes, love held its appeal, but how could one tell if he was truly in love?
“Do you love Miss Ashford?” Gavin asked, looking for an answer to his question.
“Yes. Yes, I do,” Lord Collins responded, intensely serious.
“How did you decide it was love?”
“At first it was just a slight infatuation. I enjoyed her looks and personality.” He paused to chuckle, as he became lost in thought. “Soon that infatuation evolved into a more serious feeling, where I wanted only to be with her. I enjoyed her spark of personality. The way she so easily overcomes every obstacle and in an exceedingly gracious manner. I think for me, I just feel when she is not with me, I am missing a piece of my very essence. The thought of going without that missing piece is a devastating loss I do not want to contemplate.”
Gavin sat in silence for several minutes and watched the amber liquid slosh around in his glass as he tilted it back and forth. He shared many of the same sentiments toward Laura as Lord Collins held for Miss Ashford.
When he had fallen in love previously, the feelings had dissipated within a month. Yet here he was, over two months into this infatuation, and he swore he was more obsessed than ever. Could it be possible that this truly was love?
He abruptly sat up in his chair, almost spilling the liquid in his glass in the process. Everything that Lord Collins had told Gavin of his love for Miss Ashford was minimal compared to how Gavin felt for Laura. He was in love, and it had only taken him two months to understand.
Unfortunately, the fact that he loved Laura changed nothing. He was still unwilling to get married. He had never expected to find love, and he did not know how to respond to the emotion, as all he wanted was to find Laura and never leave her side. The problem was not his desire for Laura. The problem was his own inability to overcome his fear of marriage.
Realistically, he knew he could easily marry her and probably be happy with her for a time, at least until she grew bored of him. He also understood she had believed herself in love with him at the house party, but she was young, and he had been her first true kiss. His overall conclusion was, despite his love for her, nothing had changed. He may wish to be with her, but self-preservation dictated he was not.
Gavin rose from his seat, nodded to Lord Collins, and said, “I appreciate your insight. I am afraid I have much to do in the morning, so I bid you good night.”
Chapter 11
Laura donned her worn riding habit and went downstairs for her favorite part of the day—her morning ride in Hyde Park. She vastly preferred riding in the country, but was grateful that she had the opportunity to ride at all.
Mayfair was almost deserted at this time of the day, although every one of the giant mansions she passed was filled with members of the aristocracy. Once she reached the park, she brought her mare to a canter, as a gallop would be too dangerous in such a busy place. The park looked beautiful, with a light dusting of snow covering the grounds and hoarfrost in the trees. She could not have asked for a more picturesque setting for her ride.
Sweet, sweet freedom enveloped her as she turned her horse to run along the sparkling waters of the Serpentine. It was not cold enough to have frozen over, which was just how Laura preferred it, as she liked to see where potential danger lay and avoid it. When the water froze over, she tried to choose a different path in the park for fear of roaming from her course and falling through the ice.
Laura turned her mare around to return to the house, after having covered a decent amount of terrain. The sight of another rider nearby made her jump. Normally, she was the only rider in the park so early. Even more unusual was the fact that the other rider was Lady Robbins, who looked quite lovely in the crisp morning air.
Lady Robbins signaled to Laura and indicated Laura should stop. Laura pulled up on the reins and waited with trepidation to see what she wanted. “Good morning,” Lady Robbins said brightly. “How is your ride? I thought I saw you and decided to track you down.”
Funny how Laura had never seen the lady riding in the park before, and she would have noticed as few people were out at this time. “I do not believe we know each other,” Laura said, not unkindly but still apprehensively.
“Oh I know, but we share a mutual friend, Lord Dunbar.” She laughed and added, “And Lord Farris. We seem to have similar taste in men.” She paused to calm her horse, which had been fidgeting. “Tell me, do you fancy yourself in love with Lord Dunbar?”
Laura was shocked by her bluntness. “I do not believe that is any of your concern.”
“Hmm,” Lady Robbins said knowingly, “I saw how you looked at Lord Farris when you danced with him. If I were to hazard a guess, I would say your heart lies more in that direction.”
Laura blushed. Was she so easily read that everyone around her noticed, even complete strangers? Lady Robbins continued, “And if I were to make another guess, I would say Lord Farris feels the same for you.”
Laura suddenly could not breathe. She sat completely immobile on her horse. Could it be possible that Lord Farris held feelings for her? She quickly nixed the notion. That road only led to more heartbreak. “What is your goal here, Lady Robbins? It could not possibly be to discuss my personal affairs.”
Lady Robbins looked at Laura with a cold stare that sent shivers down Laura’s spine. “You are in way over your head with a man like Lord Dunbar. You will never be able to hold him, and he will use you and throw you aside once he tires of you.” Her gaze softened, and she added sympathetically, “I had the same problem when I was married.” She laughed a bitter, lifeless laugh that prompted pity to well within Laura. “I just want you to know what you are getting into, because no one ever told me.”
How sad, to have experienced a marriage like that and to probably never know any better one. She could appreciate the warning, although Laura was not fooled by Lady Robbins’s declaration. Lady Robbins had ulterior motives, which also explained the glare she had received the previous night. “I was told you were uninterested in marrying again, but now I am thinking you very much want to marry. Are you interested in Lord Dunbar, then?”
Laura knew she had guessed correctly when Lady Robbins looked surprised and said, “You are smarter than you look, but what I said previously is true. Lord Dunbar will always have a mistress on the side. Is that what you want?”
Had Lady Robbins really just insulted her? Her ire was raised, and she said spitefully, “As far as I can tell that is the case with any suitable match in the ton, so why not marry Lord Dunbar? He is quite the catch, you know, and most gentlemen are looking for ladies such as myself. Not aged widows.” Well, that was a little too mean. Laura softened and added, “Why would you want a second marriage if you know the man will keep a mistress?”
Lady Robbins showed no indication that she had even heard the insult and replied, “Sometimes, one must accept others’ flaws. Even bad ones. If he comes home to me at night, I win in the end.” She paused to assess Laura, and asked, “How
can one as young as you be so jaded?”
Laura shrugged. “I am just realistic. Why do you not just continue your current relationship with Lord Dunbar, should we wed?”
Surprise flickered on Lady Robbins face. “I had not thought you would be aware of our relationship.” She inspected her nails as she modestly said, “I am not the sort of woman who can be the other woman. I need to keep my self-respect, which would be lost if I were to engage in a tryst with a married man.”
Well, that was completely understandable. Based on this information, it was also wise to disregard what Lady Robbins had said about Lord Farris. “Have you told Lord Dunbar your feelings for him?” Really, this conversation was most unusual, and just a little bit awkward.
Lady Robbins ignored her question and instead said, “You are young enough that you could find someone to love. Do not throw yourself away on a man old enough to be your father.” She added softly, “As I did.” She heaved a heart-wrenching sigh. “It is not too late for you to end the relationship.”
Lady Robbins departed without another glance at Laura, which left only her words to echo. Evidently, Lady Robbins did not want Laura to marry Lord Dunbar, but what gall to actually tell her. She spurred her horse onwards. She did not think she was capable of marrying a man that another woman loved, but who knew if Lord Dunbar returned the feelings?
Laura reached the house and hurried upstairs. She was so cold. Cold and weary, but instead of warming up in her room, she decided she needed to talk with Eleanor about the confrontation. Another woman’s insight could be useful, although she was fairly certain Eleanor would not have any empathy toward the other lady’s feelings. She knocked and heard a muffled voice bidding her enter, and when the door swung open, Eleanor looked quite pleased to see her. Eleanor’s room was similar in décor to Laura’s except where Laura disliked the color scheme, Eleanor thought it was superb.
“Good morning,” Eleanor said tiredly, “how was your ride?”
“It was invigorating, to say the least.” Laura perched on the edge of a chair next to the bed. How could Eleanor still look tired after sleeping so much? “I ran into Lady Robbins.” Eleanor’s eyes grew round as Laura recounted the details of the encounter. “I just do not understand her actions. You said she would never be interested in marriage again, yet she clearly loves Lord Dunbar.”
“Some women are not as smart as you or I. They throw away their security for a made-up emotion.” She paused to sip some tea and motioned for Laura to help herself to the refreshment tray. “Currently, Lady Robbins answers to no one. If she married again, she will be the property of her husband. Why risk your independence for a fleeting emotion?”
Eleanor shuddered. She did not believe in love, which hopefully would work for her better than love was working for Laura. “So you have no feelings for Lord Collins?” Laura secured a teacup and poured herself some tea. The steaming liquid worked quickly, as the cold receded from her body and was replaced by blissful warmth.
“Of course I have feelings for Lord Collins.” Eleanor huffed with indignation. “He is a fine man, even if he does seem overly concerned with the entire Farris family. Did I mention Miss Farris is trying to steal him away from me?”
“But those feelings are not love?” Laura was not sure why she kept hoping others believed in the emotion. Somehow, it mattered a great deal to her. Strange that Lady Robbins was the only person to give her any assurance that love existed. Too bad she could not talk to her more. No, no, no. She no longer believed in love. She just had to convince herself of that. “How do you know Miss Farris wants to steal Lord Collins from you?”
“Sometimes one can just tell these things. Miss Farris must be watched, or I would be risking my future position as countess.” Eleanor looked quite alarmed at the notion, but continued on by answering Laura’s previous question. “No, I cannot imagine I will ever love Lord Collins. He has some rather annoying habits and enjoys his horses more than he ought.”
“Don’t we all?” Laura muttered. If Eleanor felt that way about Lord Collins, then she should really just let him loose. A nagging thought entered Laura’s mind that gave her pause. If Laura disliked the notion of a loveless marriage, such as the one Eleanor was interested in, how likely would it be that Laura actually would marry Lord Dunbar? She at least had better reasons not to love the viscount, as opposed to Eleanor’s reasoning. Maybe she should try to discern how Lord Dunbar felt about Lady Robbins before doing anything drastic.
Laura could tell that Eleanor was truly concerned about Miss Farris and tried to put her mind at ease, “I am sure you have nothing to fear from Miss Farris. Lord Collins will never deviate from you.”
“Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say.” Eleanor patted Laura’s hand, and then added, “I have a plan to ensure Lord Collins will never prefer Miss Farris over myself.” Eleanor’s eyes held a wicked gleam that made Laura uncomfortable.
“What is this plan?” she asked cautiously.
“I am afraid I cannot say, although I am sure you will figure it out. The Farris household really ought to employ help that does not gossip.” Eleanor laughed, a tinkling sound that normally was lovely, but this time had a cold note that did not resonate well with Laura.
****
Gavin entered the house in Mayfair where his sister and mother currently resided. He held separate bachelor quarters, which were far preferable for the activities he typically engaged in. “Where is my mother?” he asked to the aging butler who answered the door. Their butler, Munby, had been with them as far back as Gavin could remember.
“In the parlor, my lord,” Munby answered with a small bow.
Gavin made his way to his mother’s favorite room and found her seated demurely on her favorite chair with some needlework. “Hello, Mother.”
“Oh, darling, it is about time you arrived.”
Gavin glanced at the ornate clock on the mantel. It was only ten o’clock, and he had never specified when she could expect him. Just how long had she been waiting? “Terribly sorry to keep you,” he said dryly.
“Yes, well you are here now. I have some urgent matters to discuss with you. Please, stop hovering by the door as if you yearn to flee, and sit down.” She indicated a chair next to her, which Gavin obligingly took. He detested overly feminine décor, and this room was ripe with it. It was done in various shades of pink, and it made him rather uncomfortable.
Gavin watched apprehensively as his mother pulled out a jewelry box and handed it to him. “What is this?” he asked, although the box looked eerily like the one his grandmother’s wedding band was kept in.
“Open it. It was your grandmother’s, and now that you have found the woman you are to marry, you should have it.” She looked giddy as she spoke of his supposed impending nuptials.
“Mother, it will be many, many years before I marry,” Gavin said, aggravated that he was having this conversation with her… again.
She did not look as crestfallen as he had expected. “Of course you need it. I saw how you looked at that very eligible young lady last night. You cannot let a love like that pass you by.”
Gavin swallowed. His throat felt suddenly very dry. “I will ring for some tea,” he managed to croak out.
“Oh, I ordered tea earlier. It should arrive momentarily,” she responded sweetly.
Gavin waited until the tea arrived, while trying to figure out how to put his mother off. Once he had taken a gulp of his straight black tea, he said, “I have already told you my plans for marriage. Those plans do not include love, nor Lady Laura, so please take back the ring.” He placed the box neatly on the table, finished off the remainder of his tea, and poured himself another cup.
This time his mother looked disheartened. “I do not understand your aversion to love. Why would you not want a marriage based on such a strong foundation? I have seen the way you two look at each other, and know you would be happy with her.”
He did not wish to be cruel, but he knew no other way to stop his m
other’s hopes. Gavin bit out bluntly, “I saw the way yours and father’s relationship turned out. I refuse to have a marriage that I am emotionally invested in subsequently turn out like that. Life is simpler if my expectations are much lower.” Despair began to creep into his heart, because his view of matrimony was even depressing himself.
“Oh dear,” Lady Farris said remorsefully. “I had no idea you felt this way. To think you formed your negative opinion of marriage from my example.” She rose and began to pace. “I do not believe I have talked to you about my marriage with your father. Did you know our marriage was decided the day I was born? Your father was five at the time and had no more choice than I. When I reached adulthood, my family kindly gave me a season, although it was a complete waste of money seeing as I was to marry the next year.”
His mother drew in a shaky breath. This was not an easy thing to talk about. “When I married your father, I was in love with someone else, and your father knew it. I was so young and stupid. I should have forgotten about the one I loved and focused on your father, but I did not. After I had you, I am afraid I broke my vows. Granted, your father had not been faithful the entirety of our marriage, but there is always a different standard set for us women.”
She sighed and continued pacing. “That is no excuse for my actions, of course, and I realized that after my one indiscretion.” She took a shuddering breath, and Gavin saw a tear escape his cherished mother’s eye. “That one night led to your sister’s birth, who your father graciously acknowledged as his. I regretted my poor choice, but at that point it was too late for our marriage. He never forgave me.”
She sat back down, and looked pleadingly at her son. “So you see, my marriage was a very poor example. If there is anything I can hope for you and Alexa, it is that you both marry for love and avoid the cold marriage I had.”
Gavin lovingly cradled her hand in his. Who knew his mother had been in such a painful marriage? He had always assumed both his mother and father had led separate lives, instead of this lonely, one-sided thing his mother had endured. Is that the sort of marriage he was destined for? Protecting himself by waiting until he coldly selected a bride would only delay his misery.