by Scot Gardner
‘Think I might make myself scarce,’ Julian whispered.
‘Thanks,’ I said, my heart suddenly cantering. ‘Don’t go too far.’
He hugged me roughly. ‘Good luck,’ he said, and retreated into the garden.
My heart now at a full gallop, I stepped into the light and waved.
Claire sensed the movement and hurried down the steps, the dogs at her heel. She broke into a halting jog beside the pool and stopped just out of arm’s reach. Our shadows, stark under the security lighting, touched heads.
I opened my arms and she stepped into my embrace. She kissed my cheek and clutched me like I’d unwittingly wandered too close to the edge. I guess, in a sense, I had. I grabbed her tight in return.
We held each other for a long time. Our panic seemed to fade and our hold grew softer. We shook with tears, squeezed and eventually let go.
I wiped my face on my sleeve. Claire found a tissue in her hoodie pocket. We sat next to each other on the leg of a sun lounge. Dillon and Maude sat obediently and watched. The security lights eventually timed out and plunged us into darkness.
‘I never meant to hurt you,’ she breathed.
‘You hurt me.’
‘I didn’t mean for it to happen.’
‘It happened.’
She huffed a laugh, and then sniffed. ‘I’m an arsehole. I’m sorry.’
‘I won’t argue with that.’
She sniffed. ‘I think the thing that clicked with Ian is the sense of stability. He’s got his life sorted. People know him and love him and respect him.’
‘Some more than others.’
‘Don’t be a dick. I’m trying to explain.’
I got the adrenaline twitches in my legs. ‘You don’t need to explain. Seems pretty straightforward.’
‘Maybe you’d better explain it to me then, Dr Will.’
‘You liked my father more than you liked me, or at least you thought you did, so you fucked him to be on the safe side.’
She stood. ‘This is pointless.’
I stood too. ‘Am I right?’
‘Things were broken with us a long time before I fell in love with Ian.’
‘You’re in love?’
‘Of course we’re in love.’
‘How were we broken? What did I do wrong?’
‘It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. We were just heading in different directions.’
‘Meaning you were heading for my father’s bedroom.’
‘Why do you call him that?’
‘Call him what?’
‘“My father”.’
‘Because that’s what he is.’
‘Yeah, but you say it like an insult.’
As our relationship officially came whining, burning, crashing down around us, I realised she was right. It was as close as I came to slagging the useless prick. It’s not what a gentleman would do, but I could feel all that changing.
‘I need more than two hands to count the girlfriends my father has had since my mum died. All beautiful, blonde, young. Sound like anybody you know?’
‘Oh, I’m sure I fit the profile.’
I laughed, incredulous. ‘I don’t get it.’
‘I’m not stupid, Will, but I’m not hopeless, either.’
I sat on the end of the sun lounge again, deflated. ‘Then you’d better explain it to me. I’m stupid and I’m hopeless, but I’m listening.’
She sighed and sat. ‘My mum thinks it’ll all end in tears. My dad’s not speaking to me. I know Ian has a reputation and Ian and I have spoken about that.’
‘Really?’
‘Of course. Elephant in the room. What’s the worst thing that could happen?’
‘He’ll leave you.’
‘Yep, and if it happens, it happens. I’m riding a wave. I’m not about to chuck all this away.’
She made a sweeping gesture with her arm and the security lights came on, blinding us.
The light came on for me too. One look at Claire’s Instagram wall should have been enough to clue me in; an endless homage to celebrity, punctuated by images of diamonds the size of grapes, European sports cars and Disney princesses. Getting with my old man was a dream come true and even if it only lasted another month, she’d still be famous. How had I not seen that before? Of course she didn’t erase her phone remotely; she was proud of her sexploits.
‘You’re brave,’ I said, and the light went out again.
She felt for my hand, rested her cool fingers on mine. ‘I loved you,’ she said.
‘I loved you, too.’
And I had. Claire had been my first lover, my first love and my first disaster. I swallowed and it made a noise. The love I’d felt was for someone who didn’t really exist. A figment of my imagination. She was beautiful and sexy and smart enough that I’d overlooked the fact that we wanted totally different things from life.
Damned biology.
I didn’t really know what I wanted, but this burning wasn’t it. And it certainly wasn’t the public spotlight.
She squeezed my fingers. ‘I knew you’d be mature enough that we could still be friends,’ she said.
I slipped my hand away. ‘I said I loved you. Past tense. I never said anything about being friends.’
She laughed uncomfortably.
I felt my heart beating in my cheeks. ‘Friends don’t pull that shit. Besides, I’m not that mature.’
‘Will, don’t.’
‘Don’t what?’
‘Don’t be cruel.’
‘Cruel? I’m trying to be clear. I wish you every happiness, Mrs Gale, but I won’t be able to attend any of your family functions in the foreseeable future.’
‘Why are you doing this?’
‘Doing what?’
‘Being so infantile.’
I stood. ‘That’s . . . that’s just the way I roll.’
‘The way you roll?’
‘Yep, I don’t stay friends with girlfriends who fuck my father. I have to draw the line somewhere.’
‘Will?’
‘Are we done? Yes, we’re done. Goodnight, Claire.’
The security lights came on again as I stood. I strode down the steps into the garden and the dogs bumped my legs as they passed. My heart thundered and I panted like I’d sprinted a kilometre.
Julian appeared on the path in front of me – bent and roughing with the dogs.
‘Hey,’ he whispered. ‘How’d you go? Did you give her the phone?’
‘Shit!’
I launched back up the garden steps. Claire still sat on the end of the sun lounge, her head in her hands.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
She sniffed.
I placed the phone on her thigh. Her fingers brushed mine.
‘Your phone,’ I said.
She stood and shuffled close. Close enough for me to feel her breath on my cheek.
‘I’m sorry, Will.’
We hugged, all easy and loose, and she kissed my cheek.
All the crashing and burning was done. All that was left was an end.
ESCORT
JULES FOUND HIS groove on the ride home. He drove entirely on the road, cornered smoothly and demonstrated a new respect for traffic lights. Especially the red ones.
We didn’t speak. We didn’t have to. The breeze felt silky on my skin. I sighed a lot. All the fear in me had turned to sadness and breathing seemed to massage it. I felt sad for the decisions that had been forced upon me and for the shit decisions I’d made all by myself. It wasn’t a Screamo sort of sad, more of a mellow acoustic sad that carried over the fence from the neighbours.
My feelings for my dead mum were all mixed up with the end of my relationship with Claire. Sofie was in there, too. They were all loves I’d lost. Right then, on the back of Nishi’s bike, with the wind in my face, life felt like a disappointing jigsaw. All that effort to fit those fiddly pieces together and the result looked like a picture of a shopping trolley up a tree. What a letdown.
Juli
an dropped the bike beside the bungalow. We’d both stepped off a moment before and it seemed deliberate. Aside from the ugly plastic crunch.
‘Nice landing,’ I said.
‘Thanks,’ he said, wrestling with his helmet strap. ‘Six point landing. All the rage in the X Games.’
I fumbled with my own strap for a full minute before Jules intervened and dragged me into the light of the bungalow. His hands at my throat felt safe.
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘It’s not off yet. Might have to get some scissors.’
‘No, thanks for escorting me.’
‘Jules’ Escort Service. Got a bit of a ring to it.’
‘Ring. I see what you did there.’
He snorted. ‘That wasn’t deliberate.’
The strap finally let go and my head could breathe again. Relief swept right through me. On so many levels and for so many reasons, that had been a hell of a ride.
I grabbed him by the shirt and he opened up for a hug.
‘No worries, bro. All part of the service.’
He didn’t try to crush me, he just held me like a grand master. One second, two seconds . . .
‘Food,’ he eventually said, but he didn’t move.
‘Food,’ I agreed, and our bodies resumed normal transmission.
TOXIC
THE FOLLOWING MORNING I left for work while Julian snored. I’d waited for his alarm, but seven o’clock came and went without a beep so I let him sleep. I’d be early, he’d be late. I’d pacify the boss.
Heavy grey clouds made the day seem pregnant. The brew-room door was open.
‘Morning, Joanie,’ I said, and she jumped.
‘Good morning, Will,’ she said. ‘You’re in early.’
I stifled a laugh. ‘Yep. I probably won’t make a habit of it.’
‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘Thanks,’ I said, and sat.
She fussed with the kettle and cups and spoke to the wall as she did.
‘I’m glad you’re early,’ she said. ‘I need to discuss something with you.’
I swallowed hard. ‘Oh?’
She put both her hands on the bench and locked her elbows. She stared at the sink for a long time. A raven clattered on the roof and cawed.
‘What is it?’ I finally asked.
‘I’m leaving,’ she said.
‘Leaving? Leaving work? You mean you’re not staying today?’
‘Michelle and I are moving interstate.’
‘Your daughter?’
She sighed and nodded. ‘We need to get some space from this place. I’ve been transferred to Milton’s in Cumberland Bay.’
‘That’s . . . that’s great! Isn’t it?’
She shrugged. ‘I’ll miss youse guys. You’ve been the best team I’ve worked with. Ever.’
The kettle clicked off and she poured the teas in silence. She put milk and sugar in mine without asking. Her bandaged hand shook as she gave it to me, her eyes shiny with tears.
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘We’ll miss you too.’
She snorted a laugh.
‘We will. You’ve been a great boss.’
Her cheeks changed colour and she sipped her tea. She sighed again and wiped her eyes. ‘So Head Office asked me if there was anybody on the crew who’d be ready to take on my role.’
‘Right,’ I said. It took a moment to process the news.
Joanie stared, waiting for a response. Reading my reaction.
Was she inviting me to throw my hat in for her job?
‘I . . .’
I didn’t finish my sentence, didn’t get to finish the thought. Ricky and Doug arrived and they were already arguing.
‘The egg came first,’ Doug said.
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Ricky said, dismissing him with a wave of his hand. ‘How could the egg come first if there weren’t any chickens?’
‘Dinosaurs,’ Doug said.
‘What have dinosaurs got to do with anything?’
‘Dinosaurs laid eggs before chickens even evolved.’
Ricky, for once in his life, seemed lost for words.
‘He’s right,’ I offered. ‘And chickens evolved from dinosaurs.’
‘Why don’t you mind your own beeswax, Will?’ Ricky grumbled.
I smiled, but quietly wished it were as simple as that. I cradled my cup of tea and blew on the surface. My beeswax and their beeswax were melted together whether we liked it or not. Right then, with my head buzzing like a fly in a web, my beeswax seemed toxic. I hoped like hell that Jules would arrive soon.
Jelat and Tefari arrived in quick succession at five to eight. Was I ready to be their boss? Was I ready to give them grief if they were late? They were all older than me – even Julian – and more experienced on the job.
Jules hit the doorframe as he entered, his hair still wet and his eyes wide. ‘Morning, you rabble of rowdy rebels. Jules is in the house! Well, the shed.’
Joanie looked at her watch but didn’t say anything.
At morning tea Joanie revealed to the boys that she and her daughter were moving and that we’d soon have a new boss. Doug cried quietly, but nobody ragged him for it. I felt a lump in my own throat and I stared at the floor until I heard Joanie blowing her nose. She patted Doug’s shoulder like he was actually her dog. A blind man could see her concern for him. We’d gone overtime, but nobody wanted to move and Joanie seemed uncharacteristically flexible.
‘Boofhead,’ came a familiar voice.
Sofie stood in the doorway wearing the ghost of a smile, her arms crossed over her chest. Her dark hair hung to her waist and ruffled in the breeze. For a moment, I was five years old again and I dived across the room and hugged her off balance. She squawked and patted my back.
‘Steady there, Will, or you’ll be paying for my chiropractic treatment,’ she said, but I couldn’t let go. Tears spilled from my eyes and wet her hair.
I swiped at my face as we parted. Her eyes were wet, too.
‘Look at the size of you!’ she said. Sometime in the last eight months, my big sister had shrunk. ‘You’ve finally grown into your head.’
The brew room rattled with suppressed laughter and I snickered along with the others. I introduced the crew and they took turns to stand and shake Sofie’s hand.
‘And this is my boss, Joanie,’ I said.
‘Pleasure to meet you, Joanie,’ Sofie said. ‘I wonder if I might borrow my little brother for a few minutes. We have some family matters to sort out.’
Joanie smiled, but I noticed her good hand shaking. She pressed it on her thigh.
‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Take as long as you need.’
I did my best to resist hugging her, and failed. She chuckled in my ear and held me tight.
‘Let’s get out of here, fellas,’ Julian said. ‘Before the big blouse starts hugging us.’
‘Yeah,’ Ricky said. ‘Let’s get out of here. Will’s turned into a hugging machine.’
Sofie ordered a cappuccino and we sat opposite each other in a relatively quiet corner of the food court.
She grabbed my hand across the table. ‘Are you okay, Will?’
I nodded once and decisively. ‘I think the bubble has burst.’
I told her the story, holding nothing back, and she listened mostly in silence. I told her about the video. I told her about camping under the bowling alley and I told her about waking up naked beside Nishi. I told her about the visit from our father, the phone switcheroo and the conversation I eventually had with Claire.
Her eyes widened. ‘She wants to be with him?’
I nodded.
‘And he actually said he didn’t want to be an arsehole?’
I nodded.
‘I need to pay him a visit,’ she said. ‘See this miracle for myself!’
‘Was he always an arsehole?’
‘Of course!’ she howled, and an elderly woman a few tables over looked up. ‘We’ve never spoken like this. I doubt he eve
n knows what I’m studying. He certainly doesn’t know about Carl, and we’ve been going out for three years!’
She sighed and cradled her mug. ‘It’s like we’ve all been in damage control since Mum died.’
‘Shut down.’
‘I bet your experience with Claire has been a soothing balm for all that.’
I shrugged. Even though her love had burned, it had felt real for me. I learned stuff about myself. I knew I could love and be loved, that nothing had broken when our mum died. Claire had shown me that. She’d also shown me that there’s more to it than love. Love isn’t enough. Love’s everywhere if your heart is open to it. It’s important and deserves to be high on the shopping list of life, but so does kindness and respect and honesty. Some love makes you stronger and wiser and a better person; some love is toxic shit.
GANGSTA
IT HAD RAINED heavily while I’d been inside with Sofie, and the carpark and the trolleys sparkled like new.
‘I love the rain,’ Julian bawled over the slushing traffic.
‘I thought it was the heat you loved?’ I yelled.
‘Both.’
Some of the cars had their headlights on during the day and the reflective tape banding Julian’s jacket made him glow like an ambulance officer or a firefighter.
It was fitting he looked like a rescue worker: he’d rescued me. Taught me to love, not fight. Helped me drag a bit of honesty back into my life.
We sat with Ricky and Doug in the brew room at lunchtime and listened to them argue.
Julian’s phone pinged with a message.
‘Nishi?’ I asked.
He nodded. ‘She’s found a course she reckons I should do.’
‘Course?’
‘Night school. Reckons I should get my ticket. Finish school.’
‘Do it,’ Joanie said through her sandwich.
Julian looked hard at her but said nothing.
‘Can’t do this forever,’ she said. ‘Jelat and Tef go to school at night.’
I’d finished my sushi, but I realised I was still hungry. Not just for more food. Hungry for something more from life.
My father’s red Porsche was parked in front of Jules’ place that evening. I felt my heart skip a beat or two, but it found its rhythm again. My old man was sitting behind the wheel but levered himself onto the street as we arrived.