This makes it hard to preach the gospel, I know. Jews always want proof, Greeks love a persuasive argument, and we don’t have much of either. But then, I didn’t come to Corinth armed with anything more than my story and you all fell for it. So don’t lose heart. Just speak your truth and see what happens.
By the way, I’ve been told that some of you former pagans aren’t ready to buy into the whole Judeo-Christian morality thing, yet. I even heard that one of you is having an affair with his father’s wife. Again, knock it off.
I know I’ve been telling everyone they don’t need to follow the Laws of Moses anymore, so the timing of this is somewhat awkward, but while that’s true, there are some rules I really need to insist you start following:
1. All this extra-marital sex has got to stop. In fact, I’d prefer you not to have any sex at all and focus that energy on serving God. But if you absolutely, positively got to do it, you should get married and then just have the sex with that one person.
2. Don’t eat meat that’s been sacrificed to idols, even if it means you have to become a vegetarian.
3. Women must cover their heads when they pray. Last time I was in your church I saw a bunch of women praying without any kind of head covering whatsoever and it just looked, I don’t know, weird.
4. Men, on the other hand, may NOT cover their heads in church. That’s just the way it is.
5. Also, men, don’t try to score extra money working as male prostitutes. Nor should you patronize prostitutes, male or not. I don’t care if you’re playing pitcher or catcher. Every time a prostitute is paid, chances are that some of that money is going to a pagan temple. So don’t support the competition.
6. Speaking in tongues is cool, but make sure it’s really God that’s speaking through you. Don’t fake it.
7. When you celebrate the Lord’s Supper, or have a love feast, it needs to be a potluck and not a brown bag. Last time I was there, everyone brought their own food, and there was some asshole getting drunk on wine and gorging himself with roast lamb, while all the guy next to him had to munch on were a few crackers. Do you have any idea how bad this looks? If you want to keep your fancy snacks to yourself, eat at home. When we eat together, we should share everything, like family. What good does it do to celebrate our brotherhood by embarrassing the guy sitting next to you?
Remember, I love you all like family and I only want what’s best for you. I’m sorry if it feels like I’m guilt-tripping you or making you feel bad about yourselves. But then again, the purpose of religion, like family, is to make us feel loved and inadequate all at the same time.
If you could only remember one rule that I give you, it would be this: speak and act towards each other with love. You could be the best dude in the world, your words could be as sweet as angel’s piss, but if there’s no love in them, you’re just a clanging cymbal. Love doesn’t try to pin someone down in an argument or make you feel better than others. Love doesn’t get angry or keep score. Love is being patient with people, letting them up when they’ve been knocked down. You could do everything else right, but if you don’t act with love, it’s all camel shit in the end.
Love,
Paul
P.S. Be sure to pass the collection plate at the beginning of the week when people have money rather than at the end of the week, when everyone’s broke. I know this is difficult seeing as how you have your services on Saturday and all, but it’s important to hit people up when they’ve actually got the cash. If need be, we can always move our church services to Sunday.
Paul’s 2nd Letter to the Corinthians
Dear Corinthians,
Sorry I haven’t been able to come to Corinth for a visit, but things have been going kind of crummy for me here in Asia. I’m afraid if I showed up I’d just be a downer.
I heard you finally took care of that guy who was sleeping with his dad’s wife. Good! Though, as long as he’s sorry and he’s promised to stop, you should ease up and let him back in the church. Remember, forgiveness is kind of the whole reason that we’re all Christians in the first place. While the laws of men can only really offer punishment as motivation, Christ is more about rewarding faith than he is about punishing sin. So we’re basically carrot people by nature, not stick people.
Again, I’m sorry if I came across a little gruff in my last letter. You’ve got a fabulous church going there, and Titus has nothing but praise for you people. But don’t get cocky. I’ve heard that you’ve been giving letters of recommendation to people in your church to show people when they go out to preach. Do you have any idea how pretentious that sounds? When spreading the love of Christ, you’re not supposed to be handing out letters of recommendation, you’re supposed to BE the letter of recommendation. Acting with love and forgiveness is way more convincing to people than handing them your résumé.
It’s also come to my attention that some of you are afraid to go out and preach the word of God. Something about not wanting to get whipped, beaten, or crucified?
Here’s a little thought experiment which will help you get past your fear: think of your soul as someone who’s camping and your body as a really shitty tent. Your tent is drafty and cold, it leaks, and your soul barely fits inside. Eventually, if all goes right, your tent will get old and collapse. Luckily, our tents are encamped right outside God’s castle.
So don’t worry if barbarians come and stomp your tent into the ground.
If that happens, God will let you move into his nice warm castle. Upgrade!
Also, as you know, the church in Jerusalem is dead broke. Could you throw them a few shekels? In future, it would be nice if I didn’t even have to ask. You should just take the initiative and help your fellow Christians from time to time.
By the way, I’ve heard that some pompous blowhards have been teaching you some rather questionable things. Some of them have even taken to describing themselves as “super-apostles.” How freaking lame is that! What, do they have the power of laser-prayer?
But what really burns me up is when I hear about these haters talking smack about me, saying that I don’t know dick about the word of God. When this happens, would it kill you to speak up for me? If I stand up for myself, then they accuse me of tooting my own horn. But then if I let them belittle me and say nothing in my own defense, it only encourages them. It would be nice to know that you’ve got my back. That’s all I’m saying.
Love in Christ,
Paul
P.S. I’ll be sending Titus by to pick up your donations. Don’t make me look like an asshole, people.
Paul’s Letter to the Galatians
Dear Galatians,
I can’t believe my freaking ears. I leave you alone for one minute and already you’ve abandoned everything I’ve taught you and are trying to live like Jews again. I don’t care who told you that you have to eat kosher and get circumcised in order to be a Christian. I don’t care if James or Peter say that I am “unqualified” to teach you. My gospel comes straight from Jesus Christ, who appeared to me in a vision, blinded me, and told me to spread his word. Not a four-year degree in Jesus Studies, I’ll admit, but pretty darn good as qualifications go.
I’ll level with you. I used to be a pretty hardcore Jew. In fact, I was a fundamentalist. In fact, I used to kill Christians for blasphemy. But my vision of Jesus Christ changed me. It made me realize that we were all God’s people.
Speaking of Peter, I totally had it out with him the other day over this very thing. When we were together in Antioch, he was as happy as a dog in gravy to be eating with the Gentile Christians.
Totally violating the Laws of Moses, of course, but no big deal, right? But then when some of James’ followers showed up from the old neighborhood, suddenly he became Mister Kosher. Too good to even sit with the Gentiles.
I came in and all the circumcised dudes were lined up on one side of the room while all the uncut guys were lined up on the other. Nobody was mingling. The whole place looked like an eighth grade
dance. So I called Peter out in front of everybody.
“Peter,” I said, “just last week we were eating pork cutlets together and now you don’t even want to sit next to a guy just because he’s uncircumcised? I thought we were all brothers here!”
Besides, I don’t know what they’re moaning about. I’d already cleared my teachings with James and Peter and all the church leaders in Jerusalem. I even brought Titus along so they could see an uncircumcised Christian for themselves, and they totally lapped him up! They went on and on about how well-behaved he was, so I don’t know what their problem is.
So for the last time: you do NOT have to get circumcised to be a Christian. Okay? Hopefully this letter will come in time to stop anyone who’s signed up for the operation. You don’t earn salvation like you earn a merit badge. No amount of circumcisions will bring you closer to God if you don’t have faith in him.
Anyone remember Abraham? The patriarch of the Jewish people? The Laws of Moses weren’t written until hundreds of years after Abraham’s death, but God still chose Abraham as his best friend and the father of our nation. Clearly, what attracted God to Abraham wasn’t his circumcised penis, or the fact that he never ate pheasant or trimmed his beard. Abraham never even heard of those laws. What made Abraham worthwhile to God was his faith.
Abraham, if you’ll remember, had two sons: Ishmael and Isaac. Ishmael was born to a slave, was treated like a piece of property, and was a son in name only. Isaac was born to Abraham’s wife, he treated Abraham like a father and Abraham loved him like a son.
As the descendants of Abraham, we need to ask ourselves: What kind of son do we want to be? Slaves to the law who never get to really be close to our father? Or the son who gets to go out and play grab-ass, who loves his father and is loved by him? All the Law offers us is the life of Ishmael. Our faith gives us the chance to be Isaac.
Look, all I’ve ever wanted to do was to make God happy. If I still thought that following the Laws of Moses were what God really wanted of me, I wouldn’t even bother being a Christian. I’d still be a Jew. I’d still be a fundamentalist.
In fact, I’d be on my way to kill you all right now.
Anyway, I hope this clears things up. Don’t make me come down there.
Hugs and Kisses,
Paul
Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians
To the Church of Ephesus:
Isn’t it great to be a Christian? You used to be a bunch of crazy pagans, running around, jumping on the furniture, having sex with whoever you wanted. But thanks to the power of Jesus Christ, you’ve been transformed into new, fulfilling lives, full of self-denial and persecution.
You’re so civilized now that I don’t even think of you as savages anymore. Some people still make a big deal over the fact that you guys haven’t been circumcised, but I don’t care. It doesn’t matter that some of us were born Jews and others were born Gentiles, all that matters is that we’re one people under God. So keep your dicks just the way you like them.
While I don’t care if you’re hung like pagans, I really must insist that you stop thinking like pagans. You know what I mean. The dishonesty. The violence. The temper tantrums. Remember, becoming Christians was supposed to make new people out of you. So here’s a little advice: Don’t let the sun go down on you while you’re still angry. Don’t let a grudge ruin the fudge, people.
If you’ve been stealing other people’s shit, give it back. And for Christ’s sake, don’t tell dirty jokes or gossip about each other. That sort of thing just devours a church from the inside out. You need to forgive each other, just as Christ forgave you.
Some of you aren’t going to want to hear this, but here it goes: ladies, you need to submit to your husbands. That goes for you, too, slaves. Don’t be getting all uppity. Obey your master as if you were taking orders from Christ himself. Not that Christ would own slaves.
On the flip side, if you do own slaves, treat them well. Remember, you both serve the same master in Heaven, and he’s way too powerful to care which one of you is the slave and which one is the master here on Earth. That’d be like you trying to figure out which one of the flies buzzing around your head was in charge of the other. And men, just because you’re the head of the family and your wife has to do whatever you tell her to, that doesn’t mean you get to be an uncaring, emotionally unavailable jerk. Make her happy she married you.
Anyway, follow my advice and remember to pray for each other and everything will be okay. Oh, and you might say a few prayers for me, too. As it happens, I’m in jail again.
Smooches!
Paul
Paul’s Letter to the Philippians
Dear Philippians,
You know, on the whole, I think my imprisonment has actually been an asset to our cause. Aside from the fact that it’s given me the chance to share our beliefs with my guards (some of whom are actually quite nice!), you all have really responded by picking up the slack and preaching in my absence. Some of you are genuinely trying to win converts. Others are out there preaching because you see an opportunity to move up the church hierarchy now that I’m out of the picture. And frankly, I don’t care what your motives are, as long as you’re out there preaching.
If your ambition is to make it to the top, though, then I have to say you are really missing the point of what our whole movement is about. We worship a guy who, even though he was God, decided to take human form just so he could die for the human race.
So the pinnacle of Christian achievement isn’t to become a king, it’s to become a martyr.
It’s a strange notion for humans to wrap their heads around, I know, but don’t get confused by the critics. They’ll try to tempt you, out-talk you and make you feel stupid for turning your back on the good life. But their destiny is the grave, their god is their stomach, and their legacy will be whatever perverted shit they managed to get away with during their lifetimes. Your destiny, on the other hand, is eternal life, your god is the Almighty, and your legacy is all the people you’ve served. So there.
Stay focused. If you’re going to criticize people for being loose and immoral, then you need to be able to resist temptation yourself, or you’re going to end up looking like a total douche. If you want to be a star, then you’ve really got to shine.
By the way, before I forget, I wanted to say thank you for the AWESOME care package! You Philippians really know how to make a guy feel special! You always have. I remember the early days, when I was traveling through Greece, spreading the gospel. While none of the other churches would give me the ass-end of a pretzel, you guys took me in, fed me, and treated me like one of your own. I will never forget that.
Oh, and thanks for sending me Epaphroditus to help me with my work. Unfortunately, I’m sending him back, because he is as sick as a leper. So when he gets there, give him some hot soup and a big thumbs up, okay? All your Christian buddies back here say hello, especially those of us who are staying on as Caesar’s guests in one of Rome’s many fine prisons. I hope to be able to come see you soon.
Until then, take it easy. Never sleazy.
Paul
Paul’s Letter to the Colossians
To my holy brothers in Colossae:
At a time when so many other churches are bringing shame to the game, I’m so grateful to hear about faithful Christians like you.
This is why (and I can’t stress this enough) you have GOT to stick with Christianity. Despite what others may tell you, Christ is the only bridge between you and God. I’m warning you: you will run into eggheads who will use facts and clever arguments to get you to doubt your faith. Do not doubt your faith! Your soul will only make it into Heaven if it isn’t tackled from behind by your brain.
And don’t listen to those people in the church who still insist that you have to eat kosher foods, get circumcised, or go to the right festivals in order to become closer to God. Those are nothing but man-made rituals designed to show God how sorry we are for being huma
n beings.
Jesus died on the cross so you could enter the Kingdom of God, so you don’t need these rituals anymore. Jesus is your circumcision!
Don’t expect puritanical rules to keep your actions holy, use your holiness to make your actions pure. Just as your heavenly souls were born with Christ’s resurrection, so did your earthly bodies die at his crucifixion. Your sexual debauchery, your anger, your greed (which is really just another form of idolatry), all of it died on the cross with our Savior.
So all these rules and false distinctions are meaningless now. There’s no such thing as Jews or Greeks, circumcised or uncircumcised, slave or free. We’re all members of Christ’s family. Treat each other like family. That is all.
Well, that’s it for now. I’m writing from prison, so Tychicus and Onesimus will pay you a visit on my behalf. Oh, before I go, Epaphras says “hey!” So do Justus, Demas and Luke, the doctor. Okay, enough shout-outs. If you get a chance, pass this letter on to the church in Laodicea. Swap it for the letter I wrote them.
Slapped in chains so that Christ may reign,
Paul
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