He put a twig on the fire. "I did ask," he said at last.
"I will tell you then." She took a breath. "I came to you because ..." Because I love you, she wanted to say, but she could not say the words that would make her vulnerable to this man. " ... because I feared for you."
"I guessed that." When she was silent, he said, "You have not told me anything I did not already guess." He threw the stick on the fire. "I do not think talking helps us. But, unlike you, I will try again. Do you fear that I cannot fight bears?"
She stared at the flames. "No. It is not that, Falcon. It is that my father was killed by a grizzly bear."
When she looked up, he was staring at her. "Ah. It is a fearful thing for you then, fighting grizzly bears."
"Yes, it is."
They were silent as they both stared at the flames, but Star felt a new closeness to him.
"When I was five summers old," she continued, "my father went hunting and never returned. He was killed by a bear. From then on, my mother always warned me about the dangerous grizzly bears. Fear is in this burden basket that I carry with me."
"I have a few burdens myself," Falcon observed.
She smiled at him sadly.
He rose. "But talking about them will not help," he said. "It only makes the burden heavier."
He walked over to the elk hide. "It is time to sleep," he said, and she heard the underlying excitement in his voice. He wants to make love to me, she thought. But how can I lie with a man who tells me nothing of who he is? Of what he thinks? Of what he fears? How can I love a man I do not know?
Chapter Thirty
When Falcon reached for her, Star rolled away. "Oh, no," she said. "I do not want to make love to you."
"You do not?" She heard the disbelief in his voice.
She stared up at the stars, wondering how to tell him her strange new feelings and thoughts. "It is not easy to let a man into my body when I do not know that man."
Falcon leaned over her on one elbow. "You know me. We are married. Have been for some time. You cannot say you do not know me!"
"Ah, but I can, Falcon. For truly I do not know you."
He growled. "What is this you say, Star? You would deny me my rights as your husband?"
"I would."
"You cannot."
"I just did."
"Star!"
She turned her head to look at him. He looked angry.
"Will you force me, Falcon? As Cat Lurks did to Chokecherry?"
"That is why she left him?"
At Star's assenting nod, he said, "No wonder Cat Lurks was so furious."
There was an awkward silence between them. "Star," he said in a wheedling tone, "why not forget these little things you are saying? I want you; you want me. Let us just enjoy each other."
She stared at him, wishing she could see his eyes in the dark. She could only guess his reaction from his voice. "And what then, Falcon? After we have satiated ourselves on one another, what then? I still will not know you. Not truly know you. You do not tell me about yourself, about what has happened to you, about anything."
"There is nothing to tell!" His voice rose in anger.
"There is everything to tell."
He pushed her shoulders, pinning her to the elk hide. "I could take you now. Like this."
"You could," she agreed steadily, her heart pounding. Her mouth felt dry. She had pushed him too farand for what? An elusive, frustrating, unknown feeling that she wanted to know more about him. "But I do not want you to."
"What you want matters naught." He was backthe old, uncaring Falcon who cared about no one and nothing. Oh, why had she started this?
He moved on top of her. She felt him fumble with the bottom of her dress, felt the cool air as it hit her thighs. "No, Falcon," she murmured. "Not like this!"
"Yes," he groaned. "You cannot deny me."
She pushed at him. "Do not do this, Falcon." She heard the note of pleading in her own voice as fear swarmed over her.
"I can do what I want," he said.
His voice was harsh against her neck, his breath warm. She felt him nip her neck with his teeth and she winced. "Falcon? Please. Do not do this. Stop!"
She felt him hard against her thigh. She tried to close her legs, but he put his hand between them. Desperate, she grasped his head with both hands, her fingers plowing through his thick, long hair. "Falcon! Listen to me!"
His ragged breathing almost drowned out her words.
"Falcon. Do not do this. It is wrong."
He laughed cruelly. "Why should I care? Why should I care what you want? It does not matter. Nothing does."
"Falcon!" She pulled his face down to meet hers. They were a breath apart. "If you do this thing ..."
He pushed tauntingly against her.
She felt him touching the center of her womanhood. Her breath came faster. "If you do this thing ..."
"You will do what? Leave me?" A taunting note had entered his voice now. "You cannot leave me, Badger woman. I own you."
She shifted her back, trying to get away from that intimate part of him pressing, pressing against her.
He reached up and took her hands and pulled them over her head. He laughed into her face. "I own you. Like I own my spear. Or my tent. You are mine, Badger woman. To do with as I want." He pushed against her, his manhood sliding through the curls that offered no protection for her. "And I want you." His lips hovered over hers, and his warm tongue entered her mouth. As his manhood would enter her ... very soon, unless she fought him.
Star felt his tongue swirl through her mouth, giving, taking, plunging. She tried to lift her hands to push him away, but her wrists were pinned. He lifted his head. "It will do you no good, Star. You cannot get away. You are mine."
"I am not!" she cried. "You cannot do this."
"Ah, but I can," he said smoothly.
She clenched her legs, but she could not shut him out. She tried to pull away from him, but his weight held her in place. She tried to wiggle out from under him, but he pressed into her. "No, Falcon! No! Do not do this! I cannot love you if you do this" The rest of her words choked in her throat. Great, racking sobs shook her body as she realized her own powerlessness.
At what moment he began to hate himself for what he was doing, Falcon did not know. But it must have been when he heard her say the word "love" and heard her wrenching sobs.
What am I doing? Why am I forcing myself on this woman who is too weak to stop me? Am Iso desperate to have my own way that I will hurt her?
Shaken, he let go of her wrists and rolled off her. He had not penetrated her, but he had come very close. He lay, chest heaving, staring up at the stars. What have I become? he wondered. What has become of me that I choose to hurt this woman rather than stay my hand? Have I lost my humaneness, the essence that makes me a man?
He pondered this as he stared at the winking stars, so calm in the distance. Around him were the night's soothing sounds: the croak of frogs, the whine of crickets. But in his heart was a terrible turmoil. He had come close to forcing himself on a woman who did not have the strength to stop him. He turned to look at Star and saw that she had flung one arm across her face and was sobbing. "Star?"
He did not expect an answer.
He lay there, listening to her sobs, and he wondered for the first time if some things truly did matter.
Chapter Thirty-one
Star glanced around the cave in satisfaction. Their bed of elk hide was topped with furs. Baskets she had carried sat full of stored roots and dried berries. Two of Falcon's spears leaned against the rock wall. Star's digging stick lay against another wall. An array of household knives and needles and awls, all neatly laid out, completed their possessions.
And she had even lined the empty fire circle with rocks.
She was fortunate that they did not have to share this small cave with any other family. Some of the Jaguars were living three and four families to a cave, but because Falcon's parents were dead and he had no sisters
or brothers, there was no one else to claim the same living quarters with him. Of that, Star was glad.
But since that first night they had come to the
Bear Caves, she had avoided Falcon. And he, her. Oh, they had slept upon the same elk hide every night, but they had not made love and they had barely spoken. Star felt haggard, and wondered how much longer she could live like this.
It was true that Falcon did not treat her badly, nor did he try to force himself on her again. But he was distant to her and she was becoming very lonely.
When Star was younger and she and Blue Jay had planned her life on those wonderful, peaceful evenings, Blue Jay had confided about how happily she had lived with Star's father. Blue Jay and Star's father had laughed together, loved together, and spoken of their thoughts and feelings. Star had expected that it would be the same with her and her husband, Camel Stalker. But, ah, how her life had changed! Camel Stalker was not her husband. And the man who was did not wish to laugh and love or share any words with her at all.
Star stared sadly at the mortar she held in her lap. The black bowl had been shaped smooth and round from many seasons of pounding herbs. She held up the black pestle, worn long and smooth by grinding in the bowl. She frowned at the implement. Was it Tula's? Then she shrugged. No. If it were, Tula would have taken it with her when she left Falcon. Star threw the pestle into the bowl, tired of squashing the juniper berries for flavoring meat.
What should she do?
Star sighed. Her life was lonely among these
Jaguar People. Among her own people, the Badgers, Star had enjoyed visiting and talking with the others in camp. Her mother had provided good companionship; she had told Star stories and taught her tanning and sewing and decorating and food preservation. And Blue Jay and her friends were always visiting back and forth. The Badger camp was always bustling.
But here in the Jaguar cave it was quiet, too quiet. Star felt left out of everything. Falcon did not want to talk with her or be with her. The Jaguar People she was with did not seek her out to speak with her. Even her friends, the Badger women, did not want to visit with her very often for fear their husbands would disapprove.
This was not the life she had planned for herself. How could everything a woman had planned come to naught, like the fluff that blew from cottonwood trees in the spring? And yet that was what had happened to her. Her life was not at all the way she had thought it would be. She was not married to the man she had expected to marry. She was not living with the people she had expected to live with. Nothing was turning out as she had planned. Nothing!
She rose and left the cave. Falcon was away hunting. The men were trying to bring in as much meat as they could before the long, cold days of winter settled in. In winter, snowy blizzards blew across the land, and when that happened no man or woman would leave a safe home to hunt. The preserved meat saved lives then.
She padded down the trail to the river; the ground under her feet was cold. Tomorrow she must wear her moccasins to keep her feet warm.
She reached the river and sat down. She had even forgotten to bring a deer bladder to fill with water, so sad and lonely was she. She glanced around, half prepared to climb back up the path. Then she shrugged. It mattered little if she got the water. One more trip up or down the cliffside mattered little. She sat staring into the water, feeling empty.
She cried softly then, thinking about her Badger People, and missing her mother. She missed Blue Jay, missed her mother's good humor, missed her mother's love and concern. She suddenly realized how fortunate she had been to grow up in a home knowing such love. How happy her childhood had been with people all around her, talking and laughing and telling stories and singing songs! Yet not once when Star had lived with her Badger People had she thought about that, about how it was the love and caring among her people that made her life so good, so precious. Not once had she realized that her happiness stemmed from being with people she cared about.
But here among the Jaguar People she did not have that love and concern in her life day after day. And, oh, what a loss it was!
She dried her eyes and realized suddenly that if she had stayed with the Badger People, it would have taken her a long, long time to realize how precious her mother was, how powerful and good were the feelings between herself and those she lived with in the Badger camp. It would have taken her a long time to realize she was truly happy.
But here, with the Jaguars, she belatedly recognized her earlier happiness, for now she was truly miserable.
She had no one to love her, no one to care about her, and no one to talk with. She could admit that there were some people she cared aboutFalcon and the Badger womenbut they wanted little to do with her. Star felt as though she had wandered thigh-high into a river of despair.
At her feet, the real river gurgled. She stretched out her leg and stuck her foot in the water. The cool liquid felt soothing on her foot. When it became too cold, she withdrew her foot.
What was she to do? How was she going to make her life matterto herself and to those around her?
How was she going to give her life meaning?
A little bird flew down from a branch and cocked its head at her. She watched it pick at the dirt, searching for food. I have enough food, she thought. But I need more than food to have a valuable life. What do I need?
The little bird flew off and she watched it disappear into the distance in several graceful swoops.
She stared at the river. Out a little way from shore, a fish's fin broke the surface. Oh, salmon, what have you come to tell me?
She stood up and peered into the water, trying to understand the salmon's message. He was a large male; his red, molting skin indicated his spawning time was due. A female swam by, smaller, and the male swam after her.
A mate? wondered Star. Is the salmon telling me to look for a mate? But I already have one, she thought in dismay. And he does not want to be with me... .
She waited at the creek bank for more advice from the animals and birds, but only a soft breeze caressed her cheeks and fluttered through her hair. What is there for me in life?
Was there something about her time with the Jaguars that could give meaning to her life? Perhaps she should look for what was good about her new life with the Jaguars.
She stared at her fingers, then tentatively touched one finger as she thought of the one good thing she did have in this new life of hers. It was her husband. Though Falcon and she were not doing very well at present, at least he still stayed with her, brought her meat, and shared the cave with her.
A thought struck her and she touched the next finger: she did have an opportunity for some companionship in that she lived with other people, the Jaguar People. She was not alone out in the barren hills.
Excitedly, she realized another good thing: even though her mother resided far away, and perhaps Star would never see her again, yet Blue Jay still lived and Star was glad of that.
Star's eyes blurred and she had to weep for a little while. She missed her mother. When she finished wiping her eyes, she looked at her fingers. Tentatively, she touched her little finger; she did have Badger women friends nearby, or at least they used to be friends. And Sageflower still seemed friendly.
Star drummed her fingers together, wondering if she had overlooked anything else good in her life with the Jaguars. Ah, yes, there was! Thumb: there were a few Jaguar People who seemed kind, Betafor for one. Perhaps Star could make friends with her, or with one of Betafor's daughters. They seemed to be a fairly happy family.
She went back over her advantages: she had Falcon; she lived with other people; her mother was still alive; she had Badger women friends nearby; and there were some friendly Jaguar people in camp.
Staring at her fingers, she wondered if a woman could make a rewarding, happy life out of those five things.
The water gurgled at her feet, whispering yes! yes! and Star gave a little bark of laughter.
Then she wondered if she should even attempt to pl
an her life this time. Perhaps not. Perhaps she should just live a day-to-day existence with no hopes, no expectations, no dreams ... and no love? No, she could not do that! She had to have love in her life. She had to have love to survive.
''Where do I start?" she whispered to the wind. "Where do I start to find love and meaning in my life?"
But no bird flew down to tell her. No fish came swimming close to her feet. Only the breeze caressed her cheek. And gave her no answer.
Chapter Thirty-two
Falcon knew he was spending too much time away from Star. A part of him longed to be with her, yet still he played the coward and went off hunting. He could not face his own woman. What kind of a man was he?
Something was happening between them, a change, and he did not know what it was. Worse, he was uncomfortable with her, very uncomfortable.
No, it was better to stay away from her and hide here, in the hills. He could pretend he was hunting.
The Jaguar hunters had been very successful after they had reached the Bear Caves and had killed most of the meat they needed for winter. The meat from the two bears had been dried and cached away, and then they had the good fortune to slay 17 deer and two big elk. Falcon was the only hunter who had objected when the shaman, Rapt, had stepped on each of the elks' necks and made the claim that the elk had come to their spears because he had called them.
Why, that shaman could not even call a meadow mouse, thought Falcon in disgust. Rapt was feeling boastful because Cat Lurks had recovered. After so many failures, Falcon told himself bitterly, Rapt's single success of a cure had made him crow and boast to whomever would listen. And Falcon had not missed the admiring glance on Star's face when Rapt had claimed the elk. She thinks shaman are all-knowing and all-powerful too, he thought. She is just like Tula!
After he had realized that, Falcon did not want to be around Star. And an unaccountable despair had settled upon him.
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