by Ashley, Ava
“I know it’s been a long road. You’ve really held up for us.” Liam’s agreeable tone throws me a little, and I brace for some kind of request. “So you’ve worked through things with Lily, it seems.”
I don’t see any reason to why it’ll hurt me to tell him. So I do. “Yeah.”
“And settled on her as your choice?”
“Why are you asking?” I don’t want to walk into a trap. My mind races. Why does he want to know all this?
“It appears all the other women know you’re going with Lily. That’s made for some good footage, but the rest of the show is going to be a downer. Viewers might get bored if they know the outcome too.”
“So what, you want me to fake something? Liam, I have to draw a line somewhere, and this is it. I’m not going to do that to Lily.”
“Oh—no, actually, I wasn’t saying that,” Liam says, and I hear a noise like he’s running his hand through his hair. “Kara came to me about this, actually, and I’m just seeing what I can do. I needed to know for sure that you’re with Lily and choosing her, that’s all.”
That was all? I didn’t answer right away as I spend a minute trying to figure out his game. He sounded like he was trying to be helpful, but I’ve come to learn he always has some agenda. His job is running the show, not making me happy.
Liam finally speaks again. “Rafe, don’t worry about anything, okay? This is good. It’s all good.”
I can actually hear his giant grin through the phone. I want to take him at his word. We say good-bye and I sit for a while longer, puzzling over that strange conversation. What could he possibly plan that would hurt us? I don’t come up with anything, and finally decide that whatever it is, it won’t change anything for Lily and me. Maybe Liam just wants to be in the know and plan for it.
I finally get up and go inside to pack up our things. Lily’s dressed and throwing things back in her bag too. It crosses my mind to tell her about Liam’s call, but what is there to tell her? He wanted to know where things stood between us? She’d worry, and I’m going to handle whatever Liam’s planning to throw at us, if it’s something bad.
I check the bathroom before taking our bags out to the car. When I start to close Lily’s bag, a picture falls out of the top flap.
It’s one of those long four-photo shots from a photo booth. The weird thing is, it shows Lily with some guy I don’t know. They’re laughing, and in one the guy is planting a kiss on Lily’s cheek. I’ve just spent the morning thinking how much I love this woman and how I want to be with her... and here’s some guy she’s never mentioned. I can’t even attempt to think logically.
Lily walks in and stops. I glance up and watch her face go white from seeing the photograph in my hand.
“Who is this?” I don’t mean to, but I sound hard—not quite angry, but we both hear the jealousy in my voice.
“It’s Nathan,” she says, her voice emotional. I wonder if that’s from thinking about the guy or because it’s so strained in here. She reaches for it but I pull it away.
“Someone you dated?”
“No, he was a friend. A good friend, but just a friend.”
We’ve talked about our lives while we were apart. I know she dated. We’re both okay with the fact that we weren’t together. Things happen. But why would she lie about it? And why keep his photograph with her?
I look at the picture and angrily shake my head. “Why is it so worn out then?”
“You weren’t in my life!” she tells me with a sudden edge in her voice. “It’s not what you think, but you don’t have any right to get angry about who I’ve been with or what my life was like. You weren’t around to help me.”
She snaps her mouth shut and steps back. Yeah, I wasn’t there. I was in prison because I got put away for trying to help her.
“I’m going for a walk.” I throw the photo on the bed and storm out, leaving my phone, keys, everything, and I end up running. I’m running away fast, but I have to. Otherwise I’ll say something ugly and mean.
You weren’t around to help me.
Yeah, I fucking know. I wasn’t there for her and I couldn’t do anything about it from the inside. I didn’t even know how to contact her because the letters I sent came back undeliverable. It drove me fucking crazy, worrying about her and wishing everything was different, and then wondering why she didn’t reach out to me. I thought I wasn’t good enough.
And someone else was there for her.
But why didn’t she tell me?
I let Lily in again. I trusted her. I thought we were being honest with each other, but maybe I was wrong. What if she can pull the rug out from under me all over again and ruin all of this?
God-fucking-damn it.
Why am I so angry? I want to calm myself down and think straight. It’s got me all twisted up. So what if she dated? I dated too, and I certainly haven’t told her about every girl I’d been with. But then, I didn’t carry their pictures around with me either. She said he was just a friend, but she’d told me about her friends, and she’d never once mentioned this guy.
Did it just bother me that much to see her with another guy? Am I just jealous? That’s something I haven’t had to deal with before.
I slow to a walk, huffing from the crazy sprint. I could get a ride back to the house and let Lily know I need some time. But as soon as I get that idea, I know I won’t do it. I can’t walk away from Lily without trying to sort this out.
When my breathing calms down, I hear an engine close by. My car is rolling beside me on the street.
“Rafe?” Lily calls out. “Rafe, can we talk?”
I walk to the edge of the curb, afraid to look at her. She drives slowly beside me for a minute. When it’s clear I’m not going to get in the car, she says, “Nathan was a friend who helped me a lot. I want to tell you about him.”
“Was a friend? You’re not close anymore?” I want to know who he was to her, and if he’s anyone important now. That matters. What if she has some guy she’s close to and she hasn’t even told me about him?
“He died.”
I stop, feeling like shit, and the car rolls to a stop next to me. But I still have to put it all together. Did she love Nathan and he died, so I’m a replacement now?
“Please let me tell you about him. I’ve been trying to but the moment hasn’t been right.”
“So it is a big deal?” I ask, facing straight ahead still.
“Yes, but not like you’re thinking. That’s why I want to explain. And I guess I was nervous about telling you. I thought you would be hurt if you knew someone else was there for me.”
My anger is dissipating, leaving me embarrassed that I let my emotions get the better of me.
“That does hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“Rafe, let’s talk.”
I get in the car and gesture to the parking lot up ahead that overlooks the beach. Before she can say anything, I start. “I acted like an ass and I’m sorry. I just had this huge reaction. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“I wanted to tell you about Nathan... I was about to several times, but I guess I let it get bigger than it was in my head. I got worried about telling you. But he was a good friend, not a boyfriend.”
“I’m calm now. Tell me about him.”
“I worked with his sister Tasha. That’s how I met him. Nathan wanted to get Tasha out of stripping and the life she was living. She was getting into drugs and trouble, and running out of money because she spent it all on getting high. I had a goal and something to work for, but she was just... just wasting away.”
Lily’s having trouble talking and I take her hand.
“I tried to help too, but she wouldn’t listen to either of us. She needed rehab. She couldn’t stop herself, and we were working together trying to get her into a place. One day, she didn’t show up for work and she wasn’t answering her phone, so Nathan and I went over to her place together. Nathan had to break the door in. She was in the bathroom... on the floor...
overdosed. She was only twenty-three.”
“Lily, I’m so sorry for your friend, and what you went through.” I touch her cheek so she’ll look at me. “And I’m sorry you had to relive it all to tell me.”
I can’t imagine what it was like going through that. I had it rough in prison. Lily had her own prison to deal with.
She nods and glances down at our hands.
“So Nathan and you stayed friends after that?” I ask.
“Nathan could have disappeared but he helped me get out of that life. He couldn’t save his sister, but he could help me. He even stepped in and helped me refinance some bills and work out a plan to get everything paid off sooner. I paid off my mom’s medical bills, but I still felt like I couldn’t do anything else with my life. I mean, the only thing I knew how to do...”
“Lily, that’s not true.”
“It’s how I felt. I felt responsible for you going to jail.”
“Hey.” I want to take her pain away, but I don’t know how. Seeing her eyes fill with tears nearly breaks me. “We both know I got myself into trouble with the law. I should have been there for you, Lily. You shouldn’t feel bad about any of that.”
“Nathan helped me see that. He thought I could do anything I put my mind to. I needed him, and he really came through.”
“Well, you are tough and smart. You took care of yourself and your mom. And now that I understand, I’m really glad you had a friend like him.” I’m curious what happened to him and where he went, but I don’t want to push her, so I wait.
“Nathan was like a brother. We were close, but we didn’t have romantic feelings for each other.”
We’re both turned sideways in our seats to face each other, our heads leaned back against the seats. For several minutes, I just look into her eyes. I really hurt her this morning over a stupid miscommunication. I could have just asked about the photo and listened to her instead of taking off.
“Oh, that photo? We were at some little fair and there was a photo booth. Two months after that, Nathan was killed in a car accident. It’s the only photo I have of us together.”
I remember the way I angrily threw it on the bed.
“I’m so sorry.” I can’t believe how much pain she’s been through. She didn’t have it easy growing up, then she lost me, her mom, her friends. “Will you forgive me?” I ask.
Tears sparkle in her eyes. Slowly, she nods. I reach for her and gently pull her close.
“If anything else comes up, I’ll just ask and let you explain, okay?” I pull her face up so I can kiss her mouth.
A minute later, after a long, slow kiss, she smiles a little. “That sounds like a much better plan.”
***
That night, I hold Lily while she sleeps. We’re back from the trip and at my place for the night. Thank God Lily chased me down and made me listen today, but I still feel shitty about the way I handled it. I want to make it up to her after this, and do better by her.
I should have handled it better when I saw her on this show. She came here to make things right, after all, and I was cold to her. She’s been through a lot, both back when I went to prison and then here on this show while trying to prove her love to me.
My breath catches at the sudden warmth filling my chest. It spreads throughout my body. I love this woman. I want to spend my life with her.
“I love you,” I whisper now, but she’s asleep. I whisper it again anyway. Sometime soon I’m going to find the perfect way to tell her.
It’s almost four in the morning so I close my eyes and listen to her steady breathing. Eventually I must fall asleep, because the next thing I know the sound of the shower wakes me up.
Damn, it’s Monday morning. I’m supposed to kick someone off the show today. I know Kara wants to leave, but after that evening with Heather, I don’t want to string her along and let her get even more hurt. She needs to go.
So once Lily and I are ready, we eat a quick bite and walk to the beach house. I go upstairs with Lily so I can catch Kara before we all meet in the big room. She’s reading on her bed and looks up, startled, when I walk in.
“Hey, Rafe. Hey, Lily. What’s up?”
I follow Lily’s lead and sit down on the other bed.
“Listen,” I say. “I know you wanted off the show, but I really need to send Heather home.”
She glances at Lily while I explain what happened with Heather.
“Wow...” Kara’s expression turns thoughtful. “Lily, would you mind if I had a minute alone with Rafe?”
It’s an odd request, and Lily hesitates. I watch her train of thought work out on her face, and I can tell she decides that she trusts both of us. She nods. “Sure, I’ll head downstairs for the meeting.”
I watch her leave and wonder what on earth Kara could have up her sleeve. It does give me an idea, though, about getting Kara’s help for something.
Chapter Thirteen
Lily
I stop by the kitchen for something to drink while I wait. It’s not quite time to meet with everyone. Kara’s request was a little odd, but I don’t feel too worried, mostly curious. Has she talked to the other women about Rafe and me? What if they all know Rafe and I are together? I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes on this show and have to finish it.
After ten minutes, I wander back toward the stairs, curious if Kara and Rafe are still talking. What could she want to say to him without me there?
As I walk past the stairs, I hear Sam’s voice, and then she says Rafe’s name. She’s talking to him, but I can’t hear about what. Rafe answers her, and then I hear Kara. Suddenly a cameraman walks past me and up the stairs. I’m starting to get the feeling something is going on.
I’m curious, of course, but I don’t want to eavesdrop so I head to the main room to wait. Heather isn’t there yet, which means all of them must be upstairs with Rafe. Is he talking to all of them? I’m curious if Kara set that up.
A few minutes later, Kara walks into the room. I tilt my head, giving her a questioning look, and ask, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
She just smiles. “Nothing bad, I promise. Listen, we’re all supposed to meet out on the beach this time.”
I glance upstairs and don’t see Rafe. This is starting to make me nervous. I’m not sure what to say so I shrug. “All right.”
This is odd. Is Liam going to have Rafe kick someone off out on the beach? Doesn’t seem that nice in my opinion.
“Did Rafe leave?” I ask her as we walk out the back of the house.
“Oh, I’m not sure.” She glances back like she doesn’t know, but I wonder how she could have missed him. A second later, I spot Rafe ahead of us. In fact, everyone is out there already.
Liam is waiting by a floral archway, like they have at weddings. Kara and I join the other women gathered in front of him.
Rafe walks to stand beside me and takes my hand. I look up, startled. He hasn’t done anything like that in front of the other women.
Liam says, “I think we all know—”
Kara jumps in. “That two special people are in love. Yeah, real news flash! But I couldn’t be happier for them.”
I turn to Rafe. The warmth in his eyes takes my breath away. Here is this tall, ripped gorgeous man and he’s looking at me like I’m his whole world.
“Did you do this?” I ask, but quickly add, “Oh! That’s what Kara’s been up to, isn’t it? This is what she was planning before our weekend.”
Now I know why she was acting so funny before I left with Rafe.
“Well, that’s a funny story. From what I understand, Liam knew we got together... so he wanted to make the best of the situation and have dramatic ending. It sounds like Kara helped him with this idea.”
“And the other women were okay with this?”
“They saw the game was over. Lily, everyone can tell we’re together and in love.”
I blink rapidly, both to hide my misty eyes and because I’m surprised that he used that word—love. He�
�s been so careful about it.
“Both Kara and Liam talked to the other women,” Rafe continues, half smiling as he gazes into my eyes. “And she helped him set things up. I was looking for a way to tell you something important, so this worked out perfectly.”
What is he going to tell me? That I won? I wait but he doesn’t tell me yet. While we’re gazing at each other, slow, pretty piano music starts to play.
“Will you dance with me?” he asks. I turn as he takes one of my hands. I rest the other on his shoulder.
“You’re the one, Lily. You’re the only woman for me. You always have been and you always will be.”
I’m caught between smiling and wanting to cry. Even Rafe’s eyes are moist. But even with all of this, he isn’t saying he loves me. Maybe he just can’t use those words. I love him so much I might be okay with that, but my heart is hurting to hear him say it too.
And then, he smiles, pulls me close so our foreheads are touching, and says, “I love you, Lily.”
My breath catches. I’ve waited so long to hear those words, and until this minute I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear them from his mouth. Everything in me comes alive. Everything we’ve been through was worth it to hear him say “I love you” again and know he can feel that for me.
“I’ll always love you,” he adds in a soft voice. “This is our fresh start, okay? I’m going to be here for you and take care of you.”
“I’ll be here for you, always.”
“I know. You have been.” He threads his fingers into my hair so he can tilt my head and kiss me. “I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m sorry it took me so long to say it, but I mean it with all of my heart and being.” He kisses around my face before finding my mouth again. The kiss deepens and we stop dancing. Rafe kisses me until I’m dizzy before telling me again, “I love you. I hope you like hearing that, because I have a lot of love to catch up on.”
I finally smile. “I love you too. And I hope you like hearing it!”
He sweeps me up into his arms and twirls me around. Kara and everyone clap as he sets me down on my feet to kiss me again.