There’s a knock at the door. It’s the same quick knock Will gives just before he opens the door to the house that has become just as much his home as it is ours. Will’s arrival is the ding on the proverbial timer forcing Luke to make a decision. He looks to Furtick who gives him a slight nod indicating that he’ll be just as much my shadow today as he is every other day.
“Ok…but, I don’t care that Marcus is still in Charlotte…Furtick has to follow as usual.” I hug him and tell him thank you over and over again. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you, Layla. I love you so much,” he whispers.
“I love you too. I could never fully thank you for all you’ve done for me.”
Luke looks at me and I have to fight back tears. I am so overwhelmed by the enormity of his love. There was a time I thought being loved the way my father loved me was over. But right now, being here in Luke’s arms, I feel like my heart could burst.
I have just enough time to get to a bathroom and pull myself together before Will sees me in my upset state. When I emerge he’s in the kitchen waiting patiently for me, handsome as ever.
“Hey babe, you look beautiful,” he says kissing my cheek.
“Thank you. You’re always so sweet. I’m ready for Will and Layla’s Day of Fun! Our shadow will be with us, but it’s still going to be a great day. I promise.” I say.
“No worries. I’m on board with whatever is best in keeping you safe.”
Will takes my hand and leads me to the front of the house and to his car. He gets me settled in the front seat and as I watch him cross in front of the car I flashback to our first date. He rakes his fingers through his hair and I feel the same warmth come over as I did that night. His very presence elicits a feeling in me that I never knew existed. To say I love Will seems like such a subpar expression. What I feel for Will is so much deeper. I would give anything, do anything for him. I would sacrifice my life to be with him, and there is nothing that could ever change that.
“I found out about this place from your friend Finn. The real blooming months aren’t until January through April, but Finn said it’s still really beautiful. He’s a pretty cool guy,” Will says pulling into the Maclay Gardens State park. “Oh, and, uh, I’m not worried about Finn.” So he’s found out Finn plays for the other team. I wonder if Finn harmlessly flirted with him and the thought of that makes me giggle.
“This is lovely. Thank you, Will!” I kiss him as I exit the car and he closes the door behind me. We find the brick path and Will takes my hand as we walk. It feels so good, normal, to be here with him like this. “How is your mom? She doesn’t talk much,” I ask, working to make normal conversation. Will is much better at normal conversation than I am, but I’m learning.
“She’s good. She’s feeling a weird mix of emotions. She loves school, and she’s getting used to the weather here,” he chuckles. “Oddly enough she misses my dad. She’s broken down with me a few times, and sometimes I hear her crying at night.”
“Oh, Will. I guess I never thought of that.” I give his hand a little squeeze.
“She feels bad sometimes that we left the way we did. It takes a lot of conversation to remind her of what our life was like with him, and what our life is like now. After over a decade of training by him, it’s going to take some time for her to find herself again.”
“I can imagine,” I say.
Will’s gait slows a bit and his face betrays him.
“What is it, Will?”
“If I asked you…what my dad was like…at the funeral…would you tell me?” he asks.
“Um…I’m not sure you want my input. My interpretation of your father’s demeanor at…on that day is a bit jaded. But…I’ll tell you if you’d like,” I say.
“Yes, please,” he says quietly. He doesn’t look at me. He just continues to walk slowly, holding my hand. It’s almost as if he’s forcing himself to know for sure what he’s suspected his whole life: that his father couldn’t have cared less about him and his mother.
I’m hesitant. I don’t really know how to tell Will his father’s eulogy was riddled with lies and misrepresentations. I want to be honest with him but I don’t want to hurt him. But since we’ve promised not to hold back our thoughts or feelings, I’ll tell him what he wants to know.
“Well, I never saw him cry, which bothered me a lot. Tyler let me squeeze his hand when I felt upset. Needless to say he had to ice his hand by the end of the service.” We both smile knowing what an incredible friend Tyler had been. “He talked about what a fine wife and mother your mom was, always helping others. This was probably the most accurate thing he said.”
“What did he say about me?” Will’s quiet tone makes my heart sad. This is something he must have been thinking about for a long time. If my parent’s lost me the way Mr. Meyer lost Will, my father would have had to be committed. They never would have made it through a funeral. Will doesn’t have this assurance. Nothing in his life told him his father truly loved him. I can’t imagine what that would feel like.
“Well…he said that you were a brilliant young man, stubborn like him, that you had recently made choices for a better life, and that you had finalized things for your studies at Princeton.” I stop talking to check on Will. He’s calm, looking straight ahead, but his grip on my hand has tightened. “He also said that he loved both you and your mom very much.”
Will stops in his tracks, releases my hand, and falls to his knees, throwing his head into his hands. I hear the soft sobs of a man dealing with the scars left by the cold stabs of his father. All Will ever wanted was for his father to love and accept him, but Will grew up knowing that he was just a pawn in the game Gregory Meyer makes out of everyone’s life.
“He never, not once, told me he loved me,” he says through his tears. “You know, it used to be my wish when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake. I’d close my eyes and wish with everything that I could that my daddy would tell me he loved me, but I was never going to be good enough for him.”
“Oh, Will, baby. It’s wasn’t you, you know that.” Tears sting my eyes as I huddle on the ground with him. I can’t help but imagine little Will, squinting his little eyes closed so tight, and wishing more than anything else for his father’s love. My hatred for Gregory Meyer just went to infinity. “He’s the most evil man on the planet and he doesn’t deserve you. If he couldn’t see all the love you had to give, then he missed out. One day he’s going to see that he’s all alone, and when he dies, no one will be there to pay their respects because no one truly respects him. I’d say he’ll be filled with regret but you have to have a heart for that. How you came from that man I’ll never know.”
We sit on the walkway under the shade of a tree, me holding my love as he releases a lifetime of pain. Will continues to cry softly, healing scars one by one with each tear. I wonder what Furtick is thinking, watching us like this. I’d say it’s too emotional for him, but perhaps it is Wes that’s watching in this moment and not Furtick, the ex-marine.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would affect me like that,” he says wiping his face. His breathing is steady now and he’s regaining his sense of self. “I appreciate you being honest with me.”
“Of course, Will. I will always be honest with you.” I repeatedly run my fingers through Will’s hair to comfort him. It’s gotten so long since we left Davidson.
“It’s crazy, but I didn’t have any trouble with leaving, with not saying good-bye to him. I don’t know why I’m so emotional now.”
“Sometimes it’s not the good-bye that hurts, but the flashbacks that follow,” I say smoothing his hair. “Believe me, I know it can be hard to look back. But it’s ok. I’m here and we’ll get through it. We’ve handled so much already. We can get through anything.” I smile and watch Will’s face change.
I see how much Will loves me and is glad that I’m here. Even though in this moment I’m here for him completely, I can’t help but feel fed by the joyous morphing of his demeanor
. Knowing that I can help bring someone from a place of despair to one of happiness is an incredible gift to me. For so long I thought all I did was bring misery, but I know now that my life is worth more and has more potential than I ever thought. At the core of it is my love with Will that gives me the most solid foundation I could have ever hoped for.
Chapter 11
Will and I walk hand in hand through the gardens, quiet for some time. In between taking in the extraordinary colors and scents of flowers, I wonder what he’s thinking. I consider his pain. I knew life with his father had been difficult, but I hadn’t thought about the damage that was being done. I assumed, because he spoke so passionately about his mother, that her love – what she was allowed to show him – had been enough, that he didn’t long for his father’s love because he knew his father was incapable of love.
I know now that Will is not as invincible as I had once thought.
I know that he wasn’t able to just cut off the natural desire a child has for the love and acceptance that can only come from a parent.
I know just how broken his heart is…and I understand.
When I moved in with Gram and Gramps I thought they would love me the way Mom and Dad did. Gramps did, or at least he tried. But like Eliana, there was only so much he was allowed to show before Gram said it was enough. It didn’t matter what I said or did, I was never going to be good enough for her.
I tear up at the thought of our shared pain. It’s the kind of pain that can only be understood by someone who has experienced it, too. As I think about Will, hunched over, crying, the picture of him as a little boy is all I can see. I imagine him crying himself to sleep at night, his little body shaking with the sadness brought on by the rejection of his father. I try hard not to cry, but I can’t help it and tears begin to stream down my face.
“Layla, baby, what’s wrong?” Will asks, pulling me to him. His arms are around me before I can even think about how to articulate my sadness for him. “I didn’t mean to upset you by bringing up the funeral. I’m so sorry!”
“No, no…it’s not that at all. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed,” I say. I don’t want to rehash all the pain, especially for Will’s sake. “Can we talk about something? Anything?” Focusing on something else will be calming and a welcome distraction.
I take in the scenery, working hard to focus my eyes and stop the tears from coming. I can’t name any of the foliage but there are exquisite blues and reds and yellows. There are shapes of flowers I didn’t know existed, and I’m struck by the genius creation of it all. I begin to calm as I concentrate my attention on the here, the now.
“Of course,” he says wiping the tears from my face. “What would you like to talk about?”
“Did I tell you that I invited everyone to visit after Thanksgiving?” I say, feeling eons better at just the thought of having our friends together again.
“Everyone? Who, Layla?” Will’s voice is filled with trepidation. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to be on board with telling our closest friends about his non-dead status.
“Caroline, Gwen, Chris, and Tyler,” I reply softly…nervously.
“Layla…” Will beings.
“We can’t tell them, can we?” I say.
“I’m sorry. I know how much it would mean to you to have us all back together again – it would mean a lot to me, too – but…we just can’t risk it. I’m so sorry, babe.” Will tucks a loose lock of hair behind my ear and brushes my face with his fingers.
“It’s ok. I understand. I invited them before you came back though, so, if they come I guess you’ll have to lay low. Sorry.” I’m sad that he doesn’t think we can trust them, but then it’s not about trust. It’s about safety. If Chris or Tyler ever accidentally said anything, their fathers would make a beeline for Mr. Meyer’s office and all hell would break loose. Actually, it’d be worse than that. He’d be humiliated that he had been fooled and that would carry a far stiffer punishment. We’d all wish we were dead by the time he was done with us.
“Well, maybe you can tell Caroline,” he says sweetly.
“Really?” I’m excited, but wonder why Caroline has been granted this extreme privilege.
“Yeah…um…her parents know. That’s why Claire called Caroline’s mom the day…well, the day Luke and Claire told you.” That makes total sense. Caroline’s mom is a psychiatrist. They knew that hearing my boyfriend died in the same tragic way as my parents would send me over the edge.
“That makes me really happy. Thank you! I’ll have Claire tell Mrs. Jackson that we’re going to tell Caroline. I know she’ll be so happy!”
“So you’re ok with not telling the others?”
“Yes and no. I have you here and that really is the best thing of all. But it’s hard letting go of so much of what finally brought me joy. I mean, how do I talk to them and not talk about you? How do I talk about John and not feel afraid they’re going to hate me for moving on so quickly? I know you know about cutting things off, so please don’t think that I don’t appreciate the enormity of what you did for us, for me. I just miss them, that’s all.”
“I understand. It’s one thing to want to cut things off. It’s another to be forced into it. Let’s just start with telling Caroline, ok? And, maybe, when all this crap with Marcus is really, truly over, we can talk about telling the others. Talk, baby. I can’t make any promises. We have to consider Luke and Claire and my mom in this, too.” He strokes my face with his thumb and I’m immediately put at ease. Something as simple as his touch can do so much to alleviate my worst feelings.
“That sounds great. Thank you, Will.” I wrap my arms around his waist and let his arms cover me like a blanket.
“C’mon. Let’s walk,” Will says, releasing me and putting my hand in its rightful place within his. “So how have you been doing with expanding your musical tastes?” Will is so good at making any situation feel normal. I’ve missed that.
“You’ve been back for this long and this is the first time you’re asking me this?” I ask teasingly.
“I’ve got a list of things to tend to with you, Miss Weston. It’s a long list, so it’s going to take me some time to get to each item.” He smiles crookedly at me and I melt. I love how totally normal this moment is, even though I know Furtick is somewhere close behind.
“I can’t wait to see what’s on this list! Maybe I should give you some suggestions.” I giggle and Will draws me close to him, putting his arm around my waist as we continue to walk. “Well, I have Miles Davis’ Love Songs engrained in my head. It was all I listened to for a long time after.” We both look sad for a moment, but don’t dwell on it.
“Anything else? There are some great new bands out there that you should have picked up.” Will doesn’t let go of me for a second as we continue to stroll the path through the gardens. You’re not allowed to pick the flowers, but occasionally Will accidentally does as he touches a blossom, or says look what I found on the ground as he hands me a bud. I’ve got a small bunch gathered but try not to look at them too much so as not to draw attention to our flagrant disobedience of the rules.
“I started listening to Pandora, so I’ve heard some groups I really like. I don’t know all their names, but I’ve got the Avett Brothers, Parachute, and Cab in my iTunes now. I’ve also heard a lot more Maroon5, and I love them even more now. Thank you for broadening my horizons.” I reach up on my toes and give Will a quick kiss on the cheek.
“That’s it? I broaden your horizons and all I get is a peck on the cheek? Horizon broadening should be worth more than that, don’t you think?” he teases, wrapping me in his arms.
“Oh, I’d like to thank you further, but you continue to refuse my advances,” I smirk.
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you that a person’s willingness to wait reveals the value they place on what they’re waiting for?” Will gives my chin a tug and sends sparks flying through me. “Layla, you have no idea how much I want you, but I want to wake up with you and know that I d
idn’t have to make a deal with your uncle to keep my hands to myself. That we could lie there in each other’s arms all day if we wanted, and no one would come looking for us because we would be exactly where we’re supposed to be.
“It’d be so easy for us to take off our clothes and have sex. So. Easy. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, future – all the things that we share – that is being naked.” Will gazes at me and our eyes seem to meld together in a brilliant blending of blue and hazel.
“You say things like that and I fall more in love with you.”
“And I am so in love with you.” Will kisses me deeply, holding on to me tightly in just a fractional preview of what waits for me.
It’s been so long since he’s kissed me like this. There was a time I thought I’d never be kissed like this again. Even if Will had been dead and I somehow found a way to move on with someone else, I would never be kissed like this. This kiss, this most flawless, fairytale inspired kiss, can only come from your one true love. For me, that will forever and always be Will.
The rest of our night out is more than wonderful and every normal thing a girl could ask for. Will is a dutiful boyfriend and takes me to see the new Justin Timberlake movie. Afterward we get a late dinner and end up running into some of Will’s friends from school. As they approach Will leans in and reminds me, “Remember, I’m John.”
“Hey, John! What’s up, man?” a tall guy who clearly shaves his head rather than deny he’s losing his hair says.
“Hey Jason. Just on a date with my girl.” Will stands for a moment, doing that handshake, chest bump, hug thing that guys do.
Troubled Waters (The Lake Trilogy, Book 2) Page 10