I can’t speak so I wrap my arms tightly around Luke’s neck and squeeze. He crushes me in a hard embrace as we sit there for a long time. There’s a knock at my door and I see Claire and Will standing there with anticipation in their eyes.
“Come here,” Will says, extending his hand. “We have to do something.”
I’ve learned not to question so much when Will says we’re going to do something. Whatever it is I know his heart was full of love as he put it together.
All four of us make our way downstairs and out the back door, not stopping until we reach the end of the dock. There’s a large box with white, billowy things overflowing from it and I feel my brow furrow as I try to make out what they are. Before I can come to any conclusions, Will pulls the objects from the box and hands one to each of us.
“It’s a floating lantern,” Will says answering my unspoken inquiry. “It’s time for some closure, Layla.”
“I don’t understand,” I say quietly.
“I’ll start.” Luke takes a lighter from his pocket and lights the wick on each of our lanterns, instructing me to hold it so the heat from the flame can fill the ballooning top. “This is for John and Elisabeth. They were taken from us far too soon. For my brother…who I hope knew just how much I loved him.” With that, Luke lets go of his lantern and lets it float up and over the lake, releasing with it his sadness for having lost his brother so much earlier than my father actually died.
My heart begins to beat quickly, and my breathing becomes slightly labored. I don’t know that I can get through another memorial like I did with my friends for Will. It was so painful, but…it really did help me begin to move forward. When Mom and Dad died not a single person asked me how I was doing or what I was feeling – with the exception of the mandated counseling I attended. Talking with Luke and sharing with Will about my parents has been incredibly helpful, but ever since Will and I got engaged I’ve been feeling stuck. I can’t escape the guilt I feel for being so happy in a place I wouldn’t be in had my parents not died that horrific night.
“This is for Marcus, who never knew the unconditional love of a family.” Claire’s soft voice fills the air like sweet perfume. She smiles sadly and releases her lantern. I know Claire felt so deeply for Marcus when she found out how terrible his mother had been to him all those years. His mother had an incredible opportunity to replace the cruelty of Gregory Meyer with love and joy, but she threw that away for her own selfish gain.
“This is for John and Elisabeth…for all they did to make Layla who she is…for giving life to the one person who makes my life complete.” Will releases his lantern and gives me a long look, letting me know that it’s ok to say whatever I have to say…to feel whatever I need to feel right now.
I open my mouth to speak but only sobs pour out. I don’t want to cry over them again. I don’t want to feel the pain again. I learned how to shove it down so deep that I don’t feel anything. But now…in this moment…being given permission to speak of them like this, to mourn. I don’t know how to mourn them. I’m so angry for allowing Gram to shut me up so tightly that I didn’t give them what they deserved from me, their daughter, their only child. I listened to that woman when she told me we were not to talk of them again. I erased them from my life because she was so hard and bitter and angry. I didn’t do what my parents taught me to do.
“I’m so sorry,” I whimper. “Mom, Dad, I’m so sorry I believed I had to pretend you never existed. I’m so sorry that I didn’t say good-bye to you the way you deserved.”
“Now’s the time, baby. They’re listening,” Will says putting his arm around my shoulder.
I try to stop crying and when I can’t, decide to push through the tears and get out as much as I can. It’s been bottled up so long that I’m not sure if any of it will be coherent, but it’s all I’ve got and I can’t pretend that I don’t want to let it out.
“This is for Mom and Dad…for loving me…for always taking care of me,” I choke out in between sobs. “This is for my parents who taught me how to fight for what I love and believe in. I’m so sorry I forgot how to do that for so long. I promise not to let you down anymore. You were the best parents a kid could ask for.” I take a deep breath before I make my final statements and find real closure to all that has burdened me for the last seven years. “This is for Gramps…for being my ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark place. And for Gram…” I consider finding something kind to say, but I can’t. “…the most I can say is…thank you…thank you for my first father, John…and my second father, Luke. I choose to forgive you. I’m not going to let what you did to me keep me from the life I have in front of me now. I’m letting you all go now. I’m moving forward with my life, just like my parents would want me to.” I squeeze my eyes shut and whisper I love you to my parents and let my lantern go. I watch it float away for a few long minutes before I feel arms, lots of arms, surrounding me.
“Thank you,” I say to Will. “Somehow you always know exactly what I need. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Will kisses the top of my head and I feel a smile come to my face. It seems like an odd time to be smiling, but I realize that, for the absolute first time in my life, I’m at peace.
“Layla, I know what you said, about the father thing, I just want you to know that…” Luke starts but I have to cut him off. This really has been a long time coming.
“I need parents – a mother, and a father. I need to say those words, call someone by those names. Please…Dad?”
“Oh, Layla!” Luke and Claire are on me in the fiercest hug I’ve ever received.
“We love you so much!” Claire says through tears.
“I love you, too…Mom.”
Chapter 25
I haul my heavy bags in from the car and plop them down on the coffee table in the Great Room. There are so many that the stack of slick pages slide out and scatter across the table, with some falling to the floor. I had only planned on buying a few, but after I started looking at all the choices I just couldn’t make up my mind. The look on the cashier’s face was priceless, especially after she caught a glimpse of the gorgeous ring on my left hand.
“What’s all this?” Claire asks helping me pick up my mess. She flips through a magazine and raises her eyebrows in excitement. “Bridal magazines?”
“Yeah. I promised Will we would set a date this weekend. I’ve been avoiding it like the plague, but now…I’m actually getting really excited,” I tell her.
I was on my way to excitement last weekend when Will and I talked about setting a date, but after the lanterns on my parents’ anniversary…everything is so different. I had no idea just how much I had been carrying. I guess I had been shoving it down so long, I forgot just how much there was. I thought about being angry at Gram for the rest of my life. And, to be honest, it would be easier to be one of Gram’s victims – one of the people whose lives she destroyed with her harsh words and cold heart. The lack of people in attendance at her funeral was evidence that I wasn’t the only one she hurt. I’m not that girl anymore, though. I’m Luke and Claire’s daughter. I’m Will’s fiancée. And that girl? She’s strong, tenacious, independent, and full of love and goodness. That is who I am.
I’ll never understand how someone as wonderful as Gramps married someone like Gram. I can only think that at one time in her life she was kind and good. I’ll never know, but I’d like to think that something happened to her and she wasn’t as lucky as me to be surrounded by people who cared more deeply for her than she does herself. That somehow, that was the one time Gramps missed the mark. All of that is in the past now. My future is waiting for me, and I’m not going to delay any longer.
“I’m glad you’re finally embracing your engagement!” Claire says hugging me.
“Mom, uh…how are you doing with this?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“Well…I don’t really know how to say this, but…I keep thinking about Penny,” I say hesitantly. I can’t pretend
that my getting married isn’t a reminder of what they lost when Penny died. I want them to enjoy all the wedding planning and not be sad because it’s not Penny’s wedding they’re planning.
“Layla, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of her, too. Luke and I have let go of all that we lost that day. We will always be sad that we won’t have all the momentous occasions with her that we anticipated having, but we’ll also be eternally happy having those moments with you. You filled part of the Penny-shaped hole in our hearts. We couldn’t be happier to be a part of all the special things that are to come for you. You are our daughter, too, and we will celebrate with you as such.”
“I wish I had known her.”
“I do, too.” Claire kisses my cheek and moves back to the table to shuffle through the magazines. “Are you going to show all of these to Will?”
“I don’t know. I want us to make some decisions together. Will wants a big to-do, but honestly, I’d be happy getting married in the gardens like my parents. It’s not like we’ll have a ton of people to invite. I just can’t see myself walking down a long aisle in a mostly empty church.”
“Well, you’ve got time, don’t you? When are you considering having the wedding?” Claire asks.
“Will would like it to happen tomorrow. I would like to wait until the suffix ‘teen’ is not part of my age. That would be a little over a year from now. It’ll be summer, but the middle of my junior year. I don’t know…”
“Layla? You don’t seem sure about this. Is everything ok?” Claire’s soothing tone always puts me at ease. And, like a mother, she’s learned how to read my face and my own delivery and tone.
“Yes, everything is fine. I want to marry Will. Sometimes, though, I just feel like…well…we haven’t had very long together when we weren’t running or being secretive. I feel like things just calmed down. I’m just afraid that we haven’t had time to get to know each other without being in survival mode. Does that make sense?”
“That makes perfect sense. You and Will have had quite a journey. I don’t think there’s any doubt that you and Will were made for each other. You love him, and he loves you. And even though you said ‘yes’ and you’re wearing that gorgeous ring, only you know when you’ll be ready to walk down the aisle, brick path, or sandy beach and say forever to him. There is no rush, Layla, but because I know you love Will with every fiber of your being, don’t let those fears overtake you and convince you that this isn’t right. You have fought long and hard for your and Will’s love. To let anything come between you now, even your own qualms, would be a travesty. Set a date that gives you time to have all the normalcy of dating and being engaged that you need.”
Claire is right. She’s usually right. Will and I have a love most people only dream about. The lengths that we have gone to be together are what great love stories are made of. We do have time. We have all the time we need. And while I want to be Will’s wife more than anything, there really is no rush. I hope I can convince Will of this. I think that once we have a date set, no matter when it is, he’ll be happy that there will be a tunnel to go through and a light in the foreseeable future.
“Thanks, Mom,” I say smiling. It feels so good to say that. I’ve missed the talks my mother and I had about all the various and sundry things a pre-teen talks to her mother about. I remember one of the last conversations I had with my mother about a friend at school who wasn’t acting very much like a friend. She told me not to be afraid to tell my friend that she had hurt my feelings, and that if she didn’t apologize then she wasn’t my friend to begin with anyway. Sound advice to an 11-year-old. “Oh, gosh! We need to get dinner in the oven if it’s going to be ready when Eli’s done interviewing me for the paper.”
“Right! I’ve had the meat marinating overnight, so it should be ready by now. What else did I need to do to it?” Claire asks. Her cooking has improved by leaps and bounds, but she’s still a little scared when it comes to using the oven, which is so funny to me since the oven is the easiest thing in the world. Set the temperature, put the food in, and wait for the timer to go off. She’s my mom, and I wouldn’t have her any other way.
The house is starting to smell insanely good with the aroma of beef stew cooking to perfection, low and slow, in the oven. The men of the house have descended upon the kitchen, begging for a taste. When Will walks through the front door the first thing out of his mouth is the sound of rejoicing.
“Please, God, let that be the smell of Layla’s beef stew!”
“Of course! What else would it be?” Will kisses me and whispers thank you into my ear. “It’s a special night so I thought I’d make your favorite.”
“Special night?” he says with a wink.
“Don’t tell me that setting our wedding date doesn’t constitute a special night!” I slap Will gently on his stomach and he grabs me around the waist pulling me closer to him.
“It will be the second most special night ever,” he says sweetly. “I can hardly wait to argue over it with you.”
“Silly! We won’t have to argue if you just concede that the date that I pick is the best!” Will squeezes me and sneaks a brief tickle to my side, sending me flailing. “Will!”
“Ok, ok, you two,” Wes says.
“Oh, like you and Eliana aren’t as bad!” I tease.
Wes and Eliana have been going strong since New Year’s. It was a little hard for Will to let go at first. He’s been so protective of his mom for so long that he just, instinctively, wants to keep her from getting hurt. He spoke with Wes on several occasions, making sure Wes knew how fragile she was. Eliana spent so long with Gregory that she’s been learning how to say no and assert herself. If Wes didn’t encourage that, it could be very easy for her to fall back into the quiet, submissive woman she was before. Fortunately for her, Wes is all too familiar with Gregory Meyer and has known how to challenge Eliana. I once heard him telling her that she needed to tell him no because he was being unreasonable. A little lover’s quarrel that seemed to have turned out just fine by the way I saw them kissing and making up.
The doorbell rings, putting a damper on the teasing I was planning on giving Wes. You’d think the President was standing at our doorstep, the way the whole family left the kitchen and made their way to the Great Room. When I open the door Eli is standing there looking thankful.
“Hey Layla! Thanks again for doing this. You have no idea what this means to me!” he says walking into the house.
“It’s no problem, Eli. Seriously!”
“Wow! It smells amazing in here!” he says, closing his eyes and savoring the aroma of my to-die-for beef stew.
“Oh, thanks! We’ve got a family meal planned for tonight when you’re done grilling me.” I don’t want to be rude, but I want to be clear that we have other plans for tonight that do not include Eli. Will smiles at me, recognizing my effort to stay committed to our plans of setting our wedding date tonight.
“That’s cool. I’ll try not to take up too much of your time then. Oh, awesome! Your whole family is here!” he says, finally noticing my entourage.
“Yeah, I hope that’s ok. We’re kind of ridiculously happy together,” I tell him. I don’t care if he thinks it’s weird that we’re so close. No one will ever understand the life we’ve lead and how bonded we are. I never want us to be a family that complains about each other. We may do things that get on each other’s nerves, but family is family and nothing will ever change that.
“That’s perfect, actually,” he says with a smile.
“These are my parents, Luke and Claire. This is John’s mom, Elisabeth, and my Uncle Wes. And, of course, you know John,” I say in a round of introductions. Handshakes go all around accompanied by hellos and nice to meet yous.
“Wow, I can’t believe how great this is. You know, the student spotlight interview usually just has the student. This is totally bonus!” Eli says as he pulls a huge binder from his backpack. “I’ve got a lot I’d love to know. Actually, if it’s ok, can I as
k John a question first?”
“Me? Uh…sure, I guess,” Will looks puzzled but goes with the flow.
“Great!” Eli flips through a few sections in his binder, finally landing on the section he was looking for. Finding it, he looks straight at Will with the most serious face and says, “Are you sure your name is John, because you look more like a Will to me.”
It takes less than three second for Luke, Wes, and Will to have Eli pinned to the floor on his chest. The three of them were a blur of hair, skin, and clothing as Claire, Eliana, and I instinctively jumped back and out of their way.
How can this be happening? How could Eli possibly know about our family’s secret? Surely he wasn’t clued in by any pre-interview research he may have done on me.
“You have exactly five second to tell us who you are and what you want.” Furtick has appeared and is in full-on security mode. I thought it had been silly to keep Wes on the payroll as private security but am thanking my lucky stars that he’s here now.
“C’mon, guys, ease up!” Eli chokes out. It’s clear he’s having trouble breathing. Understandable, considering he’s got three grown men all over six feet tall holding him to the ground.
“Three,” Wes advises.
“Ok, ok…I can’t breathe, man! Get off me and I’ll tell you. I promise!”
The guys release their hold on him and Wes flips him over and drags him from the floor. After he’s been tossed into a chair, Wes sits on the coffee table in front of him in the most intimidating pose I’ve ever seen on him. His fingers are laced together and his elbows are on his knees.
“Talk,” he says.
Troubled Waters (The Lake Trilogy, Book 2) Page 22