by Karina Halle
“Ellie,” he said, his voice becoming softer. “You had to kill those men.”
I gave him a sharp nod. “I know.”
“I had to do some things that I’m not proud of too.” There was a rawness in his tone, like he was close cracking open. “I don’t think you and I can ever go back to being the people we were before.”
His words hit me hard, splicing me open. It wasn’t that I couldn’t go back to being me – I was never very good to begin with – but that if we’d both changed, could we find each other again as we had before? Did Camden lose himself in order to save me, and if he did, did that mean I’d lost the Camden that loved me?
Violetta’s scream pierced through my thoughts, jolting me into the present. I was about to take off toward the room when Javier came out, strolling toward us casually, his face in shadow until the last minute.
“What happened?” I exclaimed.
“He set her arm,” he said. He walked over to the bar and pulled out a crystal bottle of dark amber liquid, pulling the top off with a pop.
“Without any pain medication?” Camden asked incredulously.
He calmly poured the liquid into a textured highball glass and swirled it around. “We don’t have a lot of time. She bit down on something, don’t worry.”
“Don’t worry?” Camden sneered, stepping up to him.
Javier sipped his drink and winced, peering at the glass. “I’m fairly sure Alonso made this in his bathtub.” He eyed Camden with amusement. “And yes. Don’t worry. She’s my sister. I know what’s best for her. She’ll be on some pain medication, the good kind, better than that monkey shit you were given.”
Camden’s fists clenched and Javier saw that too.
“Easy there, big boy,” he said, grinning. He finished the rest of the drink and slammed the glass down. He wiped the back of his hand across his snaking lips. “You’re so overprotective over the ladies. They’re a lot tougher than you give them credit for, you know.”
Javier winked at me and went back down the hall. Camden went to the bar, snatched the booze off the table and then stormed out the front door and into the emptiness of the night, perhaps hoping to drink the rage out of him.
I didn’t know what direction to go. Camden wanted to be alone and I didn’t want to be with Javier.
I sighed and sat down on Alonso’s couch.
And waited.
CHAPTER SIX
“Ellie, do you mind sleeping with me tonight?”
I looked behind me at Violetta. I was pulling Jose up to the motel that Dom had recommended. It was actually a clean-looking place, quite busy, with noise thumping from the bar at the end of the row. That was where Dom had wanted to meet us.
“I’d love to,” I told her.
“If it’s not one Bernal, it’s another,” Javier remarked.
I glared at him though he didn’t seem to notice. Instead, he merely tapped the front of the seat so I could let him out. Camden was still asleep from the alcohol he downed, his head resting against the window.
We had been at Alonso’s for about an hour. Eventually Violetta was brought out to us, high as a kite on morphine and with a sling around her shoulder, protecting the makeshift cast covering her arm. Camden had successfully drunk half the bottle of mystery booze and had lapsed into an even more quiet and introverted state. Alonso didn’t seem to mind, he just wanted us out of his house and gone. I wondered if he really was a doctor, and if so, if he was still practicing. The more I learned about the cartels and the people tied to them, the more their history interested me. I couldn’t imagine someone like Javier being anything else before becoming a drug lord and I couldn’t see him going on to any other career if he had to. This was Javier’s past and future, this was his destiny, and nothing else would ever compare to that.
I certainly never did.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. I knew now what I didn’t know then, that for some people love was never enough. It’s just sad that I had to learn that twice, two lessons six years apart.
Okay, maybe I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself. It was hard not to when I was reminded of what I had with Camden and what my actions had cost me.
We stepped out of the car, Camden slowly stirring awake, and surveyed the area. So far so good. Nothing suspicious, no one out to kill us. Not yet, anyway.
“I’ll get us the rooms,” I said, about to walk off but Javier pulled me back.
“With what money?” he asked.
I pulled out my wallet from my back jean pocket and waved it at him. “There’s more than a few lives in that car, more than a few credit cards. One of them will work.”
He raised his brow. “Perhaps you should start taking inventory of your stuff before you begin making assumptions. You know what happens when you assume, don’t you?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, they make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’.”
“They get you killed,” he said quickly. He pushed me back slightly and took off for the motel office, tossing over his shoulder, “I’ll get this. And yes, I’ll make sure you and Violetta can share a room together.”
Oh, of course, like he was letting us. The ass always had to be in control.
I turned to see Violetta and Camden standing beside each other and leaning against the car in matching poses, her dark skin glistening in the heat of the night, his body, strong yet tired. Both of them were a little fucked-up in the head at the moment, their eyes glazed, their half-smiles loopy. I had to admit, I was kind of envious. It would be nice to be oblivious to the shit going on around me at every given turn.
Javier did have a point though. Once he came back with the room keys – Violetta and I were sharing one but Camden and Javier had separate rooms, thank god – I decided to take everything out of my trunk and start going through them. My aliases needed organizing. If we ever did return to America, I’d have to choose a new life to live, a new person to become.
I was exhausted thinking about it.
Maybe, just maybe, I could pick one life and stick with it for a long time.
I looked over at Camden who was helping take stuff into my room, Ziploc bags of license plates, boxes of falsified papers, IDs, checks. This new life felt entirely dependent on one thing.
Him.
The motel room was a lot nicer than the one we stayed at before. Sort of a Best Western, middle-ground quality of place. No roaches on the floors, no geckos on the wall. Shit mattresses, I discovered as I pounded my fist on the bed, but I didn’t care.
Camden had just put the final box on my bed, Violetta sprawled out on hers in a state of drug-induced euphoria, when I noticed Javier lingering at the doorway.
“I’m going to be meeting Dom in about twenty minutes,” Javier said to me. “Is that enough time for you to get ready?”
I frowned and he quickly added, “You know he’ll want you there, if this is going to get anywhere. I figured you might want to shower and look nice.”
He rapped his fingers along the doorframe, his mouth opening as if to say something else, then he turned and walked off.
Camden eyed me. “I’m going with you.”
“You might be kind of drunk, Camden,” I told him, though the determination in his voice warmed me like the finest cognac.
“I’ve never felt better,” he said, enunciating each word. His eyes, my god they were still such a clear fucking blue, even in the pallid light of the hotel room. They bore into me with such startling clarity, sending shivers down my back like trailing fingertips. He would be coming with me.
I wished he’d be coming in me. A vision of us in this hotel room, alone, him nailing me to the bed, the headboard banging, slammed into my head.
“Are you okay with that?” he asked.
I suppressed the thought, the flare of heat between my legs, and smiled quickly. “Yes, of course.”
Meanwhile Violetta’s head flopped to the side, her arm still bound to her stiffly in the sling, and started s
noring lightly. I motioned to her. “Do you think it’s safe to leave her here?”
He watched her for a few moments, blinking a few times, before saying, “I think she needs to sleep it off.” He went and sat down on my bed. “I’ll be here when you get out.”
I grabbed my bag of clothes I had brought out of the car and brought it into the bathroom. I had a quick shower, trying to rub off all the grime – both real and imagined – with the flimsy hotel soap, then picked through my clothes. Everything that had been in my trunk was musty and wrinkled, some even dirty. I had a packet of unopened (and decidedly unsexy) Hanes underwear, a bra, another pair of jeans, a pair of gladiator sandals that I thought were dressy enough, a pair of Timberland hiking boots, a plain white tee shirt, a couple of wife-beaters, a coral-colored blouse, a plaid shirt, and a light blue tank dress that went to the ground. I wasn’t exactly known for my fashion sense and even with the cherry blossoms covering the scars on my leg, bringing me beauty that I didn’t have before, I didn’t see myself branching out anytime soon. Dressing up in my old clothes for Javier hadn’t exactly helped either.
I slipped on the tank dress, opting to go commando for the evening, and put on the sandals. I looked at myself in the mirror. Once again, I felt like a different person was staring back at me. This me, this Ellie, was tired and hardened. I rubbed the residue mascara away from under my eyes and applied a new coat. My skin was brown from the sun now and I didn’t need much else.
When I came out of the bathroom, Camden straightened up on the bed. I felt strangely shy in front of him, especially as his eyes trailed up and down the length of me.
“Do I look okay?” I asked him, feeling the need to say something. “I mean, if you can see me, that is.”
He bit his lip and stared, a multitude of emotions flashing through his eyes, too fast for me to pick up on each individual one. I thought I saw lust in there – maybe that’s what I wanted to see.
When he still didn’t say anything, I walked over to the dresser where I had my clutch purse left over from the other night at Travis’s and rifled through it for my lip stuff. His silence at my back was a heavy weight, laden with too many uncertainties between us. It was eating at me, burning through me, rendering me with a lead heart. There were so many things I had to focus on, to worry about, fucking impossible things, and yet I needed him to tell me I looked beautiful. I needed him to tell me I was something to him.
I heard him get off the bed and walk toward me, that heaviness, that warmth that he brought with his bones, teased at my back. He stopped, close enough to touch me, and I was about to turn around, perhaps to do something foolish, when he crouched down.
“How is my art?”
His hands found my leg, one of them lifting the hem of my dress, the other slowly moving over the cherry blossom tattoo. I sucked in my breath, holding completely still, trying to contain my nerves that were firing wildly as his fingers ran along the ridges of the ink. He touched me gently over every vine, leaf and petal, until I had to supress a shaky moan that tried to escape from my lips.
“It feels fine,” I said softly when I found my voice.
“It looks beautiful,” he said.
“I had a beautiful artist,” I told him. I turned at the waist and look down at him, my blue dress glowing in his tanned hand, his other one placed firmly around my calf, his strong fingers imparting heat that sunk deep. He was looking up at me, lips parted slightly.
I couldn’t take a second more of this.
I turned and dropped to the ground, my knees rubbing against his.
I grabbed his face, his rough stubble pressing into my palms, and kissed him.
Hard.
There was surprise for a second, a hesitation, a pulse that refused to beat on. Then Camden kissed me back, his soft lips enveloping mine, his mouth opening to give me life. He put his hand behind my head, holding it there with power and control.
My heart was an elevator car, the cable suddenly snapped, and I was freefalling and falling and falling as his lips and tongue and hot, wet mouth took away every inch of my resolve. The more he kissed me, the deeper and longer we found each other, the thirstier I got for him. I felt like if we stopped, I would die, empty on the inside and forever longing.
“Ellie,” he whispered into my lips. “I … can’t.”
And I was empty.
I pulled away and looked at him, fighting the tears of frustration that were tickling behind my lids. “You can’t what?”
A jarring knock at the door prevented him from finishing his sentence.
The door swung open and Javier stepped in. He eyed the two of us, crouched together on the floor, our hands entwined in the other’s hair, our chests heaving and unseen hearts hurting. Breaking.
He couldn’t what?
Do this?
Love me?
I didn’t even care that Javier was watching us, waiting for us to say something, to explain ourselves. I cared about what Camden was going to say next.
“Well, isn’t this awkward,” Javier said. Though his tone was light there was no mistaking the fire that was burning in his eyes. He looked at me like he was ready to slit my throat and be done with it. He didn’t even give Camden a second look – this was all about me.
He finally tore his eyes away from us and over to the bed where Violetta was sleeping soundly. He made a tsk-ing noise and shook his head. “And you were about to fuck each other in front of my sister, is that right?” He looked back at me, chin down, lips pouting ever slightly. “I never pegged you to be such a whore.” He smiled as if forgetting his manners, adding, “Angel.”
It didn’t sting. It didn’t hurt me. I wouldn’t let him hurt me anymore.
But Camden sprung up as if he had been waiting for this and launched himself at Javier, his fists flying. Javier was quick too, and managed to duck, though not without Camden clocking him on the side of the head with a powerful blow.
The two of them tumbled to the ground, crashing against one of the bedside tables. Violetta didn’t stir, not even when I started yelling at them to stop it. I know I’d said I wanted to see this fight happen, but not now, not like this. This wouldn’t bode well for Camden and I, especially if Camden won again. Javier would never ever let him live that down.
Perhaps not even let him live.
Javier was fighting back, dirty, of course. His physical strength was no match for Camden’s and he repeatedly went for Camden’s injury on his shoulder, with every jab and hit he had. He was cruel and ruthless and got the job done. At one point Javier stuck his thumb hard into Camden’s bullet wound until Camden released him, crying out in horror.
This was my chance.
I leaped onto Camden’s back, wrapping my arms around his neck and good shoulder.
“Stop it!” I screamed in his ear. “This is what he wants.”
Violetta mumbled something at that, then adjusted herself on the bed and fell asleep again.
I looked up at Javier who was getting to his feet, his lip bloody again, his suit disheveled. He grinned, enjoying himself, and let out a wicked laugh. “You have no idea what I want.” He wiped his fingers across his lips and raised his dark brows at the blood on it. “Huh. Not even sure how you managed to do that again. You know, if you’re not careful Camden, you’re going to end up with nothing.”
“And yet you still haven’t killed me,” Camden said with effort. I could feel his heart racing in his chest, the rage that wanted to keep flying out of him until Javier was a lifeless pulp.
“I didn’t say anything about killing you,” Javier said. “I just said you’ll end up with nothing. And you will. You want to help Ellie get the things she wants, you have to start playing a lot nicer than you have been. A lot nicer.” He sighed and smoothed his hair behind his ears. “Ellie, if you want to see your Gus again, you come with me. Right now.”
He went for the door and I climbed off of Camden and said, “Not without him. I’m not doing this without Camden.”
; Javier looked to the ceiling and mouthed something to the heavens, like he was arguing in Spanish with God. He exhaled long and slow through his nose. “Fine, bring the ape with you, as long as he can keep himself under control. Other people might not be as forgiving as I am.”
Camden stiffened under my fingers and I willed him to calm down, even though I had to bite my own tongue to keep from saying something. The penny-taste of blood filled my mouth but I only nodded and said, “Come on, Camden. We need to think about the big picture.”
“The picture is bigger than you know,” he muttered.
I was about to ask him what he meant when he brushed me aside and threw his shoulders back, walking up to Javier, looking large and in charge.
“We’re ready,” he said loudly, standing right behind him, his eyes bearing down. I watched their silent exchange for a moment, the complexity in their eyes as they matched against each other in a visual war. The snake and the bear, the man of stealth and lies, the man of soul and strength.
Both men who had a stake in my heart at some point in the game.
This ever-changing game.
Javier finally stepped back, flourishing the act with his arm. “After you,” he said, his words dripping with venom. He looked to me. “Come on, angel.”
I grabbed my purse and headed to the door. I was halfway out of it when Javier’s hand slipped around my waist and he whispered, “You look beautiful.”
I twisted away from his touch and quickened my steps so I was walking beside Camden. He didn’t look at me but his temples were twitching as he tried to keep his temper under control. I felt like we kept on taking one step forward together, two steps back, and Gus kept slipping away all the same.
The bar was dark but not dingy, small but not cramped. It looked like a good mix of locals and vacationing Mexicans who were staying at the hotel. Camden and I were the only gringos in the whole place but no one seemed to notice. They were all too busy laughing and drinking, having a good time.