by Simon Bourke
He’d only ever approached one girl himself, Emma Ryan, in second year. He’d fancied her for ages, and when Pegs had convinced him that she fancied him back, Seán finally plucked up the courage to ask her out. He knew she got to school early every morning, arriving on a bus from some village far away in the hilltops, and she always went to one of the empty classrooms to go over her homework. So one morning he set his alarm for 7.30 instead of 8.00, and on arrival went straight to the room where he knew she’d be. There she was, head down, working away, his studious little paramour.
“Hi, Seán,” she’d said when she’d seen him approach. “Don’t usually see you in this early.”
“Ah, I just woke up early today,” he’d replied, his throat dry.
“How’s things?” she’d asked.
“Grand. Listen, Emma, I was just wondering – ”
He’d replayed that moment in his head time and time again. The look of surprise on her face, the bemusement mixed with false humility as she’d hummed and hawed her way through his rejection. Thanks, but no thanks; now be on your way, there’s a good boy. He’d flushed bright red, lingered long enough to make them both uncomfortable, and then inexplicably apologised to her. Sorry I bothered you, sorry for ever thinking you’d go out with me; sorry, sorry, sorry. She’d waved him away with a dismissive movement of her hand and he’d slithered out of the room like the pathetic loser he was, vowing never again to ask a girl out.
It was different where Leanne was concerned. He was compelled to act; he had no choice in the matter. She needed to know how much he loved her. He wasn’t afraid of rejection, even expected it. It didn’t matter how she responded; she could never deter him or weaken his resolve. He would have to be careful, though. This was no ordinary situation, no ordinary girl. He needed some advice. He couldn’t ask Pegs, Murt or Ginty, who were still digesting the news of his tryst with Alice. He had other mates, but none with whom he could discuss such issues. His mother? They still weren’t really talking, and anyway this was far too personal to discuss with her. The same went for his aunts and his grandmother. This was a man’s problem, and could only be solved by another man.
Not for the first time, he yearned for his uncle Patrick’s presence. Pat would have been all over this, glad to recapture a bit of his youth via his nephew’s love-life; but he was so busy nowadays, Seán hardly ever saw him. That left his granddad. His fuckin’ granddad. Imagine asking your granddad for advice about girls? It was ridiculous. Sure the man was ancient, in his fifties. He wouldn’t have a clue what to do. Chances were he’d sigh deeply and tell him he didn’t like to interfere in such issues, to go ask his mother instead. But that wasn’t good enough. Seán needed the wisdom of a man who’d seen all it before, someone who’d kissed but never told, a man who knew a thing or two about a thing or two; but his grandfather would just have to do.
20
He didn’t go to the Tiernans’ on Sunday night as planned. Alice called to reschedule for the Tuesday night; she didn’t explain why, just said that it suited her better. Seán was happy to go along with it, he needed more time to mull over his latest encounter with Leanne anyway. He hadn’t managed to corner his grandfather yet, either. All weekend he’d waited for the moment, but the old fella was working all day Saturday, and as soon as he got home and ate he went straight to the pub. Sunday was no better; Adele and her kids came round and the place was a madhouse. By the time they’d gone, it was too late. He drew a blank on Monday too; his grandmother was there all night. But, Tuesday was Bingo night, and she always left the house at 7.30 sharp. Seán’s study session with Alice was due to begin at the same time. However, his grandmother usually spent at least an hour getting ready for her weekly outing. This was his window of opportunity.
He waited until she’d gone upstairs, listening out for her footsteps as she flitted from bedroom to bathroom in the pursuit of elegant magnificence.
“Granddad?”
“Yes, Seán?”
“Can I talk to you about something?”
“Of course,” he replied, laying down his newspaper.
“It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Well, I promise not to get embarrassed if you don’t,” said Noel with a chuckle.
Seán looked around the living-room before continuing in a hushed tone.
“There’s this girl – ”
Noel smiled. “The young Tiernan girl.”
“Um, yeah, but not the one you’re thinking of.”
“Irene, is it? Jesus, lad, I think she’s a bit old for you!”
“Who the hell is Irene?”
Noel shook his head. He should have known better than to make jokes, his grandson was coming to him with woman problems after all.
“Sorry, Seán; just pulling your leg.”
“It’s the sister,” Seán continued. “Alice’s older sister, Leanne.”
“Oh, yes, I know the girl. Works in the florists, doesn’t she?”
This was news to Seán, valuable information that had somehow passed him by.
“I didn’t know that.”
“Oh, yes, she has for years, every Saturday. Lovely girl.”
“She is, Granddad, but – she’s two years older than me.”
Noel mused on this while Seán stared at him, waiting for inspiration. After what seemed an eternity, he took his fags from the pocket of his work pants and lit up. This wasn’t a good sign; he hardly ever smoked in the house, it was always out on the front step or in the back garden. He’d obviously lost the run of himself and would be of no use from this point forth. He took a long drag on his cigarette, exhaled and beckoned for Seán to come close. Seán did as he was told, ignoring the toxic fumes circling around his grandfather’s head.
“The problem with women, Seány, is that they’re very unpredictable. One minute they’re mad about you, then they can’t stand the sight of you. They want you to be nice to them, but they complain if you’re too nice. They say everything is fine when it isn’t. You can’t feckin’ win.”
“That’s all well and good, Granddad, but how does it help me?”
Noel ignored him, took another pull of his cigarette and continued at his leisure.
“At the end of the day, there’s no point trying to impress them. There’s no point acting cool or tough ‘cos nothing you do will make a bit of difference. If you’re lucky, one of the nice ones might like you, and if she does she’ll let you know in her own special way.”
“But what if I don’t notice her letting me know?”
“She’ll probably be subtle about it at first; the way she looks at you, the way she smiles when she talks to you, the way she plays with her hair. If you don’t pick up on that she’ll let her feelings be known another way, a more obvious way, if you get what I mean?”
This was becoming uncomfortable. Had his nan let her feelings be known in a more obvious way? He shuddered at the thought.
“So you’re saying I should let her come to me, then?”
“Well, not quite that, Seán; they don’t ever do that. But she will make her feelings known, at which point it is up to you to behave like a man of the world.”
“And how do I do that?”
“Well, you wait for your moment and just do what comes naturally, my boy.”
He made it sound so quaint, but the things Seán had been dreaming about these past few nights were far from quaint.
Noel checked himself for a second. Was it possible the young lad didn’t know how to do what came naturally? He’d thought these youngsters were well up on that sort of thing nowadays.
“You do know how to do what comes naturally, don’t you?” he ventured.
“Of course I do, Granddad!” Seán retorted crossly.
“Fine, fine, I was just checking,” Noel replied defensively. “What about protection and all that kind of thing? I mean, we didn’t use it
in our day but – ”
“Please, Granddad! I didn’t come for a discussion about safe sex. I just wanted some advice about women in general.”
“Okay, Seán. Did I ever tell you about the time I met that girl up in Mayo?”
Before he could regale Seán with his tales of seduction, the toot of a horn brought the conversation to an end. Patricia came clattering down the stairs in a cloud of scents and potions, almost choking them both. “That’s for me, lads. It’s Maura, bringing me to bingo.”
“All right, Nan. See ya later.”
“See you, Seán. Enjoy your studying,” she said with a smirk which Sean, if he hadn’t known better, would have described as smutty.
“I’d better head now too, Granddad,” Seán said when she’d departed. He had no desire to learn about the girl from Mayo, and feared if he did so it would put him off sex for life.
“Okay, lad, and remember what I said,” Noel replied, tapping the side of his head as if the great secrets of the world resided there. The problem was he hadn’t said anything of any use to Seán; if anything, he’d just made him more confused.
“I will, Granddad,” he said wearily.
He scooped his schoolbag off the floor and headed out the door, leaving Noel to his cigarettes and the memory of minxes from Mayo.
21
“You have a free house?” asked Seán as he was escorted to the living-room instead of their usual den.
“Mam and Dad are out. There’s just Leanne, and she’s upstairs in her room.”
“Oh, right. Are we going to study in here, then?”
“God, it’s all work with you, Seán, isn’t it?” Alice teased, taking a seat on the couch and motioning for him to join her.
This was ominous. She’d obviously planned their session for when her parents were out, and now that he looked at her he could see she was done-up a bit more than usual. Gone were the baggy jumpers and ill-fitting jeans, the ponytail and the face devoid of make-up. Tonight she wore a low-cut top, revealing the top of her modest breasts, and a pair of figure-hugging black trousers with some sort of shiny design running up the leg. Her hair was flowing over her shoulders in long, unhindered tresses, and she’d gone to the trouble of applying some make-up, a subtle amount, but make-up nonetheless. It was certainly an improvement, and if the love of his life hadn’t been upstairs he might have been tempted.
He sat on the opposite end of the couch and began searching through his bag. “Maths first?” he asked hopefully.
“Let’s leave the studying for a while, will we?” she said with an air of impatience.
He put his book away and gently dropped his bag to the floor, terrified of what might happen next. Somehow she had inched closer without him noticing, and now they were separated by a matter of inches. Any second now and she’d pounce. He looked around the room in desperation, hoping for a way out, perhaps a hole in the wall he could jump through. But as he moved his hand away from the leg which had begun to snake its way towards him, he found salvation: the remote control. Quickly he swiped it up and pointed it at the TV, urgently jabbing the ‘On’ button.
“What’s on tonight, then? Bet you love the soaps, don’t ya?”
“Hmm,” she replied flatly, drawing her leg away and turning to face him. He could feel her eyes boring into him as he frantically tried to turn on the TV.
“You need to press the button on the TV itself, Seán.”
“Oh, right,” he said, rising to do just that.
“Wait,” she said, putting her hand out to stop him.
He looked at her hand, waiting for it to be removed from his person.
“Sit down here,” she patted the sofa, “beside me.”
“Alice – ”
“It’s okay, Seán. They won’t be back for ages and Leanne is stuck in her books upstairs.”
“It’s not that.”
She smiled reassuringly and repeated her gesture for him to sit down. He joined her reluctantly, bracing himself for the onslaught.
“You’re a funny one, Seán McLoughlin,” she went on. “It took me a while to figure it out, but I know what you’re up to now.”
“You do?”
“Yes. At first, I thought you weren’t interested. Then you invited me down to your nan’s house, and I thought maybe you were. Then you went all quiet on me and I didn’t know what to think! But here you are again and now I finally get it.”
Get what? he thought, looking at her blankly.
“Still playing dumb. Such a cool customer,” Alice murmured in admiration.
“Listen, Alice, I’m not sure what you’re thinking but...”
“Not sure what I’m thinking? You should try it from my side.”
“Like I said,” she continued, “I’ve finally figured you out.”
She had been edging closer and closer to him throughout this discussion, and now her face was just inches away from his. He had no escape as she leant in and closed her eyes in anticipation of their long-awaited first kiss. He allowed her lips to brush against his but he didn’t respond, just let her mouth rest on his and waited for her to stop. She drew back, a puzzled expression on her face.
“What’s wrong?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Alice. I don’t really fancy you.”
She looked at him uncomprehendingly. He did fancy her; what was he talking about?
“I’m really sorry you got the wrong idea,” he said. “I like you, but I don’t like you in that way.”
Alice waited to see if this was another of his games. She stared at him, hoping he would break into a grin and tell her it was all just a big joke and he was actually mad about her.
But he said nothing, just sat there holding her gaze, almost afraid to breathe.
Her mouth opened and closed, her eyes flitted back and forth. He could see her mind working overtime, trying desperately to process the information it had just been fed. A flicker of rage passed across her face and he tensed, readying himself for a swift exit. But anger was quickly replaced by abject despair, her shoulders sagging as she seemed to finally accept the news. Eyes glossy with tears, she looked at him in disbelief. “But you said – ”
He shook his head. “I never said anything, Alice. I just want us to be friends and study partners, that’s all.”
He saw the anger return and flinched as she rose from her seat.
“Friends? FRIENDS! You were just leading me on, weren’t you? You thought it would be funny!”
“No, Alice, honestly.”
“SHUT UP!”
He did as he was told, his main objective now was getting out of here in one piece.
“I can’t believe it. I just can’t – ” She began to hyperventilate, waving her hands in front of her face as she struggled to control her breathing.
Seán looked on anxiously, concerned for her well-being.
“Alice, are you okay?” he asked, gently moving towards her.
“GET AWAY FROM ME!!” she screeched. “Go away!”
She’d gone from damsel in distress to possessed demon in a matter of seconds.
He shrank back to the sanctity of the couch, relieved that she appeared to be in rude health but now concerned for his own safety.
“You’re pathetic, do you know that? And to think I actually liked you. Pffft!”
With one last dramatic movement she stamped out of the room and up the stairs – presumably to begin construction of a voodoo doll bearing a striking resemblance to Seán.
He sat alone in silence, afraid to move. Only when he heard the slam of a door did he allow himself to take a deep breath.
“Jesus Christ,” he said out loud. His back was slick with sweat and his T-shirt clung uncomfortably to his skin. He’d never seen a girl behave like that, not up close anyway. It had been captivating. Amid his terror he fe
lt a twinge of admiration for Alice. He didn’t think she’d had it in her, thought she was just a little dormouse. Tiger, more like; with claws and everything. If he’d known she was going to react like that, he would have kissed her; a little snog, nothing major. It would have made everyone’s life easier; but then she might have looked for more kisses and God knows what else. And what about Leanne? He couldn’t be going around kissing Alice if he had designs on her older sister. No, he’d definitely done the right thing. He’d miss all the maths help, though.
He stood up to go, dusted himself down and mopped his brow. Before leaving, he peered dubiously up the stairs for signs of life. Perhaps if he could talk to her one more time, they could end things in a more amicable way. He couldn’t see anything or anyone, but by remaining perfectly still he could just about make out two muffled voices coming from one of the bedrooms: Alice’s; high-pitched and frantic, Leanne’s; soothing and steady. Clearly Alice’s assessment of her older sibling hadn’t been entirely accurate, because here she was, big sister to the rescue, consoling her in her time of need. He tried to make out what they were saying, but could only hear angry sobs and the occasional expletive. Had he really led her on like she’d said? He didn’t think so. But this girl was upset, very upset, and all because of him. The crying died down and the muffled voices quietened. A flash of panic ran through him. What was it they said about a woman scorned? He couldn’t remember the exact words, but he knew it meant trouble for fifteen-year-old boys caught loitering at the bottom of staircases. It was time to go. As he made to leave, he heard a door open upstairs and footsteps on the landing. He froze. He was caught now; they had him. He listened for the sharpening of knives or the crack of a whip, afraid to look behind him.
“Seán,” a voice said softly.
He slowly turned round.
It was Leanne. She descended the stairs quietly, holding her fingers to her lips as she guided him into the living-room. Shutting the door, she sat on the edge of one of the armchairs.