“I don’t think that’s quite how it works, Grandma.”
“Don’t put so much dirt over those seeds, Grace. Lettuce needs just a light dusting.”
“Got it.”
As she worked, she thought about Levi. She was determined not to grieve over the fact that he had once again embraced the church of his ancestors. It was how it should be. It would be cruel for him to have to pull away from those little brothers and sister of his. All along, she had known the day would come when they would go back to being just nodding acquaintances again.
Grace knew that she would soon have to decide whether to go back to her life in the military or see if there was still an opening at the local hospital. Once again, she was torn.
In her heart, she wanted to stay here in Holmes County. She loved the beauty and the gentler pace. She enjoyed being with Becky and Elizabeth. She just didn’t know how hard it would be on her having Levi living just down the road.
The rainy season they had endured had finally ended. The sun had come out, and everything that could grow was doing so at top speed.
Elizabeth had recently decided that she wanted fresh eggs like the Shetlers’ and had insisted that Grace and Becky purchase chicken wire. Together, the three of them had managed to turn one of the ramshackle outbuildings into a workable chicken coop. It wasn’t pretty, but she did have some hens now. Hopes were high in their house that the chickens would start laying soon. Levi had pointed out, however, the day he dropped off the library books, that three of their “hens” were roosters. This was news. The chickens had all looked the same to her.
Grandma had rented out her tillable acres to a non-Amish neighbor. Although she would have preferred to have Levi use them, he had enough on his hands. Levi was working in his fields practically from sunup to sundown now that the rain had ceased.
Grace wondered how long before she would see some lovely Amish girl at his side when he drove his buggy past their house. That girl would be a lucky person indeed.
The little church in Millersburg her grandmother and Becky attended had become a home to her. It was not the most exciting church, but the people were kind and the minister’s lessons sometimes spoke to her. Excitement was not something she craved these days. What with her previous work at Bagram Air Base and the past few weeks dealing with family crises, she had experienced enough excitement to last her a lifetime.
“Now for the onion sets,” Elizabeth said. “You’ll need to pack the earth around them firmly.”
Grace had just finished planting the onions, and Elizabeth had gone inside to get them some iced tea, when Grace heard horses coming down the road.
She looked up and saw Levi on Angel Dancer. He was leading another mare behind him. On some errand to an Amish friend, she supposed. She walked over to the garden hose and rinsed off her hands. The cool water felt good against her skin. She also got a long drink of water and splashed some on her face.
There was a time when she would never have bothered to savor such things, but some profound changes had occurred within her since she had moved to Amish country. She had deliberately slowed her pace until she could sometimes almost hear the rhythms of the earth. She still woke early, but instead of immediately going off on her run, she would sit on the back porch awhile, listening—really listening—to the symphony of birds celebrating the sunrise.
The question was, at the end of the summer, would she go back to Afghanistan or would she stay and make a life for herself here?
Tell me what to do, Lord. Do I leave? Do I stay? I’ll do whatever you say—if you’ll just tell me for sure which way to go.
As Levi drew closer to her house, she wondered where he was going with the other horse. It was not one she had ever seen before.
She ran her wet hands through her hair. It still hadn’t been cut since she had moved here. There had just been too much going on in her life to worry about finding a hairdresser and making an appointment. It was getting ragged and was in bad need of a trim. Perhaps she should let it grow so she could just pull it back into a ponytail. That was a simple hairstyle, and she had a great hunger for simplicity these days.
Grace sat down on a large stone, with her muddy gardening boots stretched out in front of her, closed her eyes, and relished the feeling of the sun on her face as she tried to ignore the sound of Levi’s horses coming up the hill.
The horses grew closer, and then they were no longer on the road. Instead, their hooves clattered on gravel.
Her eyes flew open at the realization that Levi was coming up their driveway.
“Want to go riding?” He offered no explanation for his sudden appearance.
She stood up and brushed gardening dirt off her bottom. “I have no earthly idea how to ride a horse, Levi.”
“It won’t be hard to learn. This is en guta Gaul—a good horse—and she is very gentle.”
“Where did you get her?”
“I traded some carpentry work for her. Go stand on the porch,” he said. “I’ll bring her around to you.”
As Grace obeyed, Levi dismounted and brought the horse over to her until it was no effort at all to swing her leg over the saddle. He adjusted the stirrups until they were exactly the right length for her legs.
“Just hold on to the saddle horn for now,” he said, “and try not to fall off. I’ll lead her until you get used to the feel of it.”
Grace had no idea where they were going, nor did she care. It simply felt good being with Levi again. Her grandmother heard their voices and came out onto the back porch. Grandma waved as they rode past. “Don’t fall off!” she yelled.
“I’m not promising anything!” Grace called. She was afraid to let go of the saddle horn long enough to wave back.
She was happy to be with Levi, of course, but she wished she had a nice sturdy seat belt as she tried to accustom herself to the rolling motion of the horse. Every now and then, Levi would look back and check to see how she was doing. At one point, the mare she was riding looked back as though she, too, were unsure of Grace’s ability to stay seated.
They crossed a field and then followed a small path for a short distance until they came to the rise on top of a hill.
“Whoa.” Levi brought both horses to a stop.
She found herself gazing out over one of the most stunning landscapes she had ever seen.
“It’s beautiful!” She eased her death grip on the saddle horn and relaxed slightly. The horse stamped its foot at a horsefly and she grabbed hold again for dear life.
“I thought you would like this,” Levi said. “That’s why I got the horse for you. Sometimes it is good to see the world from the back of a horse. A person can see more clearly when they travel slowly.”
“You got this horse for me? Why?”
“You have taken good care of me and my family and I wanted to give you something.”
Oh. This ride was nothing more than his expressing gratitude for her nursing skill. She should have known. The Amish paid their debts one way or another, and he had already given her two baskets.
And then he said something so shocking, she really did come close to falling off the horse.
“I’m leaving my church, Grace.”
If a lightning bolt had struck the ground beside her, she couldn’t have been more surprised. The reality of what this would do to his family staggered her.
“Levi, you can’t do that. It would kill your mother and Jesse as well as Albert and Sarah. This last ban was hard enough on them. To never be able to see you again—you just can’t do that to them.”
“I’m not. My mother is leaving the Swartzentruber church, also.”
Grace was thunderstruck. The idea of his mother leaving her church was practically incomprehensible. A woman who had been so obedient to her church as to shun her own son—how could she leave now?
“What in the world has happened?”
“Maam is not happy with our bishop and she misses her sister. She will be making her kneeling vow in Henry and Rose’s Old Order A
mish church. She and the children will be attending with my aunt and her family from this Sunday on.”
It took her a moment to process all the implications of this. Rose and Claire could visit as much as they wanted once again. How wonderful!
“It is maybe not the best solution, but it is the solution she chose,” he said. “Rose and Henry’s church does not ban those who become members of other conservative Christian churches.”
“What do you mean by ‘solution’?”
“I’ve heard that there is a community church a few miles from here that has Mennonite roots. It has become a place where not only Englisch Christians are welcome but those who have left the Amish tradition can also feel comfortable. As you Englisch might say, this church does not have as many ‘bells and whistles’ as some. But once my mother becomes Old Order, it will not be expected of her to shun me. I have visited that church, and I have talked at length with the former bishop. They are trying very hard to follow Jesus’ teachings. I would like to attend there. If I do, she and my brothers and sister will be allowed to treat me exactly as they always have.”
“Oh, Levi! I’m so glad you found a solution! But you loved your church. This must have been a terrible decision to have to make.”
“I still love my church, but for several weeks it didn’t feel like my church loved me all that much. Zillah would not be pleased to know that in trying to hurt me, she did me a great favor. That dark time when my people turned their backs on me was necessary to make me rethink many things that I had never before questioned.”
He turned to look at her, and in his eyes she saw the struggle that he had waged in making this decision. “I have to leave them, Grace. I am no longer able to accept the Swartzentruber Ordnung in my heart, and I won’t pretend.”
“How can I help you?” she asked.
He dismounted, walked over, and lifted his arms up to help her slide down off her horse. “Well, for one thing, I could definitely use a friend.”
“You’ve got it, Levi. For as long as you need.”
“In case you were wondering . . . this was between God and me. You did not cause this. It would have eventually happened even if you were not in my life.”
“Thank you for telling me that.”
“I have known for a while that I was not a good Swartzentruber.” He turned her around and pointed her in the direction of the pond shimmering below them. “I have stood on this hill and looked at that pond. I have drawn diagrams in my mind about how simple it would be to bring a pipeline down to my mother’s house and put in gravity-fed running water for my family. I have often longed to be able to use something besides oil lamps to read by. I have dreamed of bathing at the end of every day, instead of having to take the time to draw and heat water from the well. I have rebelled over and over within my heart against not having the safety and convenience of a telephone, and I have become very frustrated with a church that will not allow me to use a simple orange triangle to protect the lives of my little brothers and sister. But that night in the barn, when I realized that I truly wanted to hurt another human, I knew that I was no longer Swartzentruber.”
“But you didn’t hurt him.”
“By the grace of God, I did not. But the realization that I was capable of wanting to shook me.”
“You are a good man, Levi.”
“No, my feet are very much made of clay. Right now, all I am is a bewildered ex–Amish man who is trying to decide how to live in an Englisch world without losing all the valuable things my people have taught me.”
“What things are you afraid of losing?”
“Let’s sit down.” He led her to a giant oak tree on top of the hill. They sat with their backs against the tree while their horses contentedly cropped grass.
Levi plucked a blade of grass and began to shred it. “Many young people who leave our church go completely wild once they are gone. It is as though they have been reined in for so long that when they leave, there are not enough drugs and alcohol and fast cars in the world to satisfy them. Some are eventually like prodigal sons. When they are completely beaten by the world, they come back. But I am not a prodigal. I am not running away. I value what I learned in my Amish home.”
He dropped the blade of grass, took her hand in his, and entwined her fingers with his own. “I think there is wisdom in raising children who do not see the world through the window of a television or computer. There is wisdom in teaching children how to work and how to respect their elders. There is strength in families living close enough to help one another, and I have seen the power of what can be accomplished when a man and a woman make a covenant to love and support each other for the rest of their lives—and then honor that covenant.”
“I agree with all of that.”
“I would like to make such a covenant with you—if you would—but before that, I need to learn more about being Englisch.”
Grace could hardly believe what she had just heard. Was that a proposal?
“If we were both Swartzentrubers and marrying within the church,” he said, “hundreds of people would come to our wedding. But ours will be much smaller. Oh, and one more thing. Even though I will be banned from any Swartzentruber home, you will not. If some of my people needed your knowledge and skill, I would take it as a great favor if you would help them. Many of them are so poor, and they suffer rather than ask for medical help.”
It was a proposal!
“That’s no problem, but let me get something clear. Are you asking me to marry you, Levi Troyer?”
“No.”
Her bubble of happiness deflated. “Okay, now I’m confused.”
“I’m not asking you to marry me. I am asking you to wait for me. I have so much to do and so much to learn. I would not be much of a husband to you for a while.”
“What is it that you want to do?”
“Things that you do without a second thought. It feels as if I am entering a different country from the one where I have always lived. I need to learn how to walk into a barber’s shop and ask for a haircut—I don’t even know what to tell them to do. I need to learn how to purchase Englisch clothes. I went to the Walmart in Millersburg and I tried, but the variety of clothes was so overwhelming that I didn’t buy anything. I need to learn how to look up a phone number in a telephone book. I want to get my own library card, and I want to learn how to drive a car. I also want to purchase one. I hear that it is not lawful to own a car without insurance, and I have no idea how to go about getting that. There are so many things to learn. I don’t think I can concentrate on courting you, farming, caring for my family, and reinventing my entire life all at the same time.”
“There is no need to court me,” Grace said, “but it sounds as though it is going to be a very long time before we can marry.”
“A few months. Our people usually get married in the fall, after the harvest is safely in the barns and all the canning is finished. I’m thinking early November would be good. Does that sound all right to you?”
“November is fine.”
“I’m glad.”
Grace couldn’t decide quite how she felt about all this. She was thrilled that Levi apparently wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but this conversation seemed awfully . . . unemotional.
“So,” she said, “it sure sounds like you have everything planned. Have you given any thought to where we will live?”
“I want to build a Daadi-haus onto your grandmother’s house—if Elizabeth likes the idea. We can live in it until she needs it, or until the children come. My people seldom allow someone to go into a nursing home, so they build small houses attached to the larger house for the grandfather or grandmother to live in. Elizabeth is better now, but someday she will need care and I would be honored to help you care for her. I also want our children to have the gift of knowing her.”
“You’re willing to accept the electricity of my grandmother’s home?”
He grinned. “I’ve always been a little envious of the
bright lights your family gets to read by.”
“You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you, Levi? I guess there’s nothing left for me to decide.” Grace was strangely unhappy. This was supposed to be one of the biggest moments of her life—and yet the conversation felt flat and unsatisfying.
“I’ve said something wrong?”
“No. You’ve said nothing wrong. Everything you said is fine. It’s what you have not said that bothers me.”
He looked puzzled. “I don’t understand.”
“You have not told me that you love me.”
“Oh. That.”
“Yes. That.”
“You are so Englisch.” He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it. “You do not understand.”
“Then explain it to me, Levi.”
“I will tell you I love you as many times as you want, and I will mean it. But my people’s way of showing their love does not lie in saying mushy words. I will be telling you that I love you with everything I do. When I am building your grandmother’s Daadi-haus, I will be telling you that I love you. When I fix the roof, I will be telling you that I love you. When I carry something that is too heavy for you, when I take you to see the tiny hummingbird’s nest I have found, when I walk the floor with our babies so that you can rest, when I help you bring up our children in the Lord, when I live my life in complete faithfulness to you . . . I will be saying that I love you.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. She knew every word he had spoken was as true as his loyal heart.
“I love you, Levi.”
“I know.” He kissed her on the nose. “You have spoken your love for me over and over with your actions.” He kissed her on the forehead. “With every book you brought me when I was sick.” He kissed her on the cheek. “When you wrecked your car to avoid hitting us.” He kissed her on the other cheek. “When you came to the barn, ready to fight Frank Skraggs for me.” He kissed her chin. “When you nearly drowned trying to save my little calf.”
He pulled away and devoured her with his eyes. “You did not have to say the words. I already knew. You had said them to me a hundred times in a hundred different ways.”
An Uncommon Grace Page 29