The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5)

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The Ugly Truth (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Book 5) Page 8

by Jeff Kinney


  sometimes he makes an appearance by webcam, like

  he did at Great Grandpa Chester’s funeral.

  whattya

  say, blue?

  sniff

  193

  The last people to arrive were Uncle Gary and his

  fiancee, Sonja. She seemed nice enough, and I

  guess they’re pretty crazy about each other from

  the way they were acting.

  Unfortunately, I had to sit right next to them

  at the dinner table and find out firsthand.

  Dad told us on the way down that Sonja was kind

  of sensitive about the fact that Uncle Gary was

  married before, so we shouldn’t bring it up.

  Apparently, Sonja told Uncle Gary that he was

  gonna have to get the tattoo on his left arm

  removed because it had his last wife’s name on it.

  kiss

  smooch

  194

  But I guess it costs a lot of money to get a

  tattoo removed, so Uncle Gary just added some

  extra words instead.

  Lydia

  i am not

  in love with

  Lydia

  anymore

  195

  At least Sonja didn’t make Uncle Gary change the

  tattoo on his OTHER arm. That’s the one he got

  after he ate the three-pound Monstrilla Burger

  at Dan’s Diner in one sitting. And you have to

  admit, that’s pretty impressive.

  Like I said, just about everyone in the family

  showed up, and even though Gammie has a big

  house, some people had to share a room.

  Whenever we stay at Gammie’s, I always get

  grouped with the people Gammie calls “the

  Bachelors,” which means every male who’s not

  married yet.

  I ATE

  THE

  monstrilla

  burger

  196

  This is not a group I’m real eager to share a

  room with, ESPECIALLY since there are only

  two beds in Gammie’s guest room. That means some

  of us have to double up and the rest have to sleep

  on the floor.

  the bachelors

  man, your

  feet are

  cold!

  197

  Uncle John used to be one of the Bachelors,

  but he got married last spring. I’m starting to

  wonder if maybe he got married just so he wouldn’t

  have to sleep in there with the rest of us.

  It was hard falling asleep with all those people

  snoring away in the same room with me, so

  eventually I picked up my stuff and looked for

  somewhere else to spend the night.

  ahhh…

  zzzzzz

  tick

  tock

  drag

  198

  The only place I could find was the bathroom

  next to Gammie’s room, so I put my blanket and

  pillow in the tub and made myself a bed. It wasn’t

  comfortable, but at least I had some privacy.

  Luckily, when Gammie came in this morning for her

  bath, I woke up in the nick of time.

  After that near disaster, I was up for the day.

  And it was a really long day, too, because the

  rehearsal dinner wasn’t until 7:00 at night.

  But at least I knew I had the party with the

  groomsmen to look forward to after that.

  i’m in here!

  i’m in here!!!

  yank

  untie

  untie

  199

  The problem with these family gatherings is that

  they’re not really geared toward kids. So if you

  don’t like to drink tea and gossip with the ladies,

  you’re sort of out of luck.

  And everything in Gammie’s house is old-person

  stuff, so there’s nothing for a kid to entertain

  himself with. I complained to Mom a few years

  ago, and she bought some Legos to keep at

  Gammie’s house. But Gammie glued them together

  in one big block because she didn’t like the little

  pieces all over the place.

  200

  Besides that, there’s not a whole lot for a kid

  to enjoy at Gammie’s. She DOES have some hard

  candy in a jar on her mantel, and last year I

  had a few pieces. But the candy tasted AWFUL.

  It was really chewy, like bubble gum.

  I ended up getting really sick and had to lie

  down on the couch for a few hours.

  It turns out the candy in that jar is REALLY old.

  chew

  chew

  groaan…

  201

  In fact, Dad said that same candy was there

  when HE was a little kid. And he even found a

  picture in Gammie’s photo album to prove it.

  Speaking of pictures, Gammie really needs to update

  the ones she’s got on her mantel. She has a photo

  of every single person in the family, and the one

  of me and Rodrick is from when we went to Santa’s

  Village about eight years ago.

  I keep meaning to throw that picture away when

  no one’s looking, because that’s just the kind of

  thing that’ll crop up when they do my celebrity

  biography later on.

  Little Frankie

  enjoys a sweet

  202

  All the furniture in Gammie’s house is old, too,

  and apparently it’s really valuable. I’m sure there’s

  gonna be a big fight over who gets what once

  Gammie passes away. In fact, people have already

  started putting sticky notes on the furniture to

  get a head start.

  Season’s Greetings

  Mary

  Donna

  Peg

  203

  Sunday

  I think that’s pretty disrespectful to Gammie.

  But I admit there are one or two items I’m

  hoping to snag for myself.

  During the wedding rehearsal last night, I kept

  thinking Uncle Gary was gonna take me aside and

  tell me where the bachelor party was gonna be,

  but it didn’t happen.

  Then I looked at the wedding program and saw

  my name at the bottom.

  Ring Bearer/Flower Boy ………. Manny Heffley

  Assistant Flower Boy …………. Greg Heffley

  Please, no flash photography in the church.

  Greg

  204

  I tried to get out of it and turn my assistant

  flower boy duties over to Benjy, but Mom said

  he was a reader this year, and besides, me and

  Manny had matching white tuxedos.

  So while Rowley was having a blast at Jordan

  Jury’s party, I was holding a basket filled

  with rose petals for Manny. And I noticed

  Rodrick was taking a bunch of pictures, so I’d

  be surprised if he hasn’t already uploaded them

  by now.

  After the wedding ceremony, we went into the

  hall where the food was being served.

  Flash

  Toss

  205

  But before we started eating, Uncle Gary’s best

  man, Leonard, stood up and gave a toast.

  Leonard said he had a really funny story about

  Uncle Gary and Sonja from when they were dating

  and he wanted to share it with everyone. He said

  that a couple of months ago, Uncle Gary took
r />   Sonja to a baseball game, and he was planning on

  breaking up with her because he wanted to start

  dating her sister instead.

  But before Uncle Gary could have the breakup

  talk with Sonja, a plane flew across the sky with

  a banner behind it.

  marry me sonja?

  206

  Leonard said there must’ve been some OTHER guy

  in the stadium with a girlfriend named Sonja. But

  Uncle Gary’s Sonja reacted before he had a chance

  to say anything.

  Leonard said Uncle Gary wanted to explain that

  it was all just a misunderstanding, but he was too

  afraid that the guys in the seats around them

  might beat him up if he let Sonja down. So Uncle

  Gary decided to go along with it. At first I

  thought Leonard’s story was just a joke, but Uncle

  Gary wasn’t exactly jumping out of his chair to say

  it wasn’t true.

  yes!

  yes!

  heh

  heh!

  207

  Anyway, I have a feeling we’ll be back next year

  for Uncle Gary’s FIFTH wedding.

  After the reception, our family went back to

  Gammie’s house to get changed. I was gathering

  up my stuff when Dad walked into the room and

  said Gammie wanted to talk to me. At first I

  couldn’t figure out why Gammie wanted to speak to

  me in private, but then I realized I was about to

  get “the Talk.”

  When I walked down the hallway to Gammie’s

  sitting room, I was a little nervous, but I was

  also kind of excited. Gammie’s been around the

  block about a million times, and I figured she’s got

  a lot of wisdom stored up. And to be honest with

  you, these days I could really use some.

  208

  I walked in and shut the door behind me. Gammie

  was sitting in a fancy chair, so I sat across from

  her. Once I got settled, Gammie started talking.

  Gammie told me that most kids my age are in a

  big rush to grow up but that if I was smart,

  I’d enjoy the ride while it lasts.

  Now, I’ve heard this same speech from Mom

  and Dad about a billion times, so I was kind of

  disappointed by where this was all heading.

  But Gammie wasn’t finished. She said I was

  getting ready to enter “the Awkward Years” and

  that my lips were gonna get all puffy and my skin

  was gonna get bad and my head was gonna look

  too big for my body until my junior or senior year

  of high school.

  209

  Then she said I shouldn’t let anyone take my

  picture for the next few years, because I’d regret

  it if I did. She told me she gave the same advice

  to people like Dad and Uncle Gary and Uncle Joe,

  but they didn’t listen to her.

  But Gammie STILL wasn’t done. She told me that

  getting older is no walk in the park and that

  getting to be her age REALLY stinks.

  Then she started talking about “hemorrhoids” and

  “shingles” and a bunch of other stuff I’d never

  heard of before. I guess she could tell I was

  confused, so she started rolling down a sock to

  show me what she was talking about.

  uncle

  gary

  uncle

  joe

  dad

  210

  That’s when I excused myself and quickly left the

  room. I’m glad I got out of there before Gammie

  decided to take off any more clothes.

  A half hour later we packed up our things, got

  in the car, and headed home. I was just happy

  the weekend was over. I love my relatives and

  all, but there’s only so much family togetherness

  I can take.

  It was a drag going back to school today,

  because it seemed like everyone went to Jordan

  Jury’s party, and of course that was all anyone

  wanted to talk about.

  roll

  roll

  hey! poopy

  diaper here!

  Monday

  211

  Walking through the older kids’ hallway was

  the WORST.

  I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t go. I found

  out the reason Jordan invited kids in my grade

  was to basically use them as servants.

  you remember

  the mustard?

  and the

  sprinklers?

  and the baby

  pool and the

  chocolate

  syrup?

  ha ha ha

  ha ha!

  can we at

  least dip our

  feet in?

  no, but you

  can go get us

  some more

  sodas!

  har har

  har!

  Tonight on the news they announced the

  winner of the Peachy Breeze Kid contest, and

  unfortunately I didn’t get picked. But I do

  know the kid who DID.

  It was Scotty Douglas, who lives right down the

  street. Don’t ask me why they picked him, because

  he couldn’t even get the slogan right in the audition.

  But the people at Peachy Breeze should’ve done

  their research, because if they saw Scotty’s older

  brother, they might’ve thought twice.

  peachy

  bweeze

  is willy

  neat.

  lick

  213

  Last night Mom said now that her first semester

  of school is over, she’s going to put her academic

  career “on hold” for a while and spend more time

  with the family. I can’t tell you how happy I

  was to hear that. I’m glad things will finally be

  getting back to normal around here.

  In fact, that’s been the whole problem this year.

  There’s been a lot of change all of a sudden, and

  I really liked things the way they were BEFORE.

  People like Dad and Uncle Joe have been getting

  on my case to act more responsible and start

  getting serious about my future. But the truth is,

  I think I’m more of an Uncle Gary kind of guy.

  good to

  have you

  back!

  dump

  214

  Tuesday

  I guess I’m just not in a big rush to grow up

  right now. And after Gammie showed me what’s in

  store over the next few years, I think I’m gonna

  take her advice and hang on as long as I can.

  Speaking of things getting back to normal, I

  decided it was time for me and Rowley to put

  the past couple of months behind us and get our

  friendship back on track.

  Me and him have a really long history together,

  and there’s no point in throwing that away over

  something dumb.

  wooo-

  hoooo!

  215

  And to be honest with you, I can’t even

  remember what we were fighting about.

  So after school today I went up to Rowley’s

  house to see if he wanted to hang out. He was so

  happy to see me that it was kind of embarrassing.

  Rowley asked me if we’d be “best friends forever,”

  and he gave me half of this
matching locket he’s

  always tried to get me to wear.

  BEST

  FRIENDS

  216

  I told him I wasn’t gonna wear the locket,

  because it’s meant for girls. But really, it’s that

  “forever” word that makes me nervous. I told him

  maybe we could just take it one month at a time,

  and he seemed pretty satisfied with that.

  I’ll say one thing, though. Rowley must’ve grown

  a full inch and a half since the summer, so who

  KNOWS how tall this kid is gonna be.

  I figure it’s a good idea for me to stick with him,

  at least until we get to high school. Because if he

  keeps growing at this rate, Rowley’s gonna be a

  good person to have at my side.

  were you

  saying

  something,

  fellas?

  rowwley…

  angry!!!

  217

 

 

 


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