It was hard to eavesdrop on their conversation since they were a few feet away, but I managed to catch bits and pieces of redundant small talk that weren’t all that interesting. I was just about to get up to go to the bathroom when I heard it.
“I’m really glad you called me,” Christina said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get here earlier to see more of your show, but I was running late because I had to pick up Stacy.”
Beth and I both looked at each other at the same time. I knew she had heard it too.
“Did she just say what I think she said?” Beth asked.
I nodded, glaring at Dylan. I was furious. Here I was blaming his ex-girlfriend for showing up at his gig like some stalker, when meanwhile, he was the one who had called and invited her. I sat there for a minute and watched the two of them, debating on whether I should run over to Dylan and bitch slap him or run out the door. But after Christina put her hand on his shoulder and started chortling obnoxiously in his ear, I couldn’t take it anymore. I stormed over to him, trying to fight back the tears that were slowly forming in the corners of my eyes. Hard booze always sent my emotions out of whack.
“I’m going to head home,” I said to Dylan, completely ignoring Christina’s presence.
“Why don’t you just wait for me?” he asked, looking confused. I couldn’t believe he was acting like nothing was wrong. In my opinion, calling your ex and inviting her out, then ignoring your new girlfriend to socialize with her, is completely and utterly wrong. Not to mention rude.
I shook my head. There was no way in hell I’d be able to sit there for another minute and witness this heinous sexhibition of skanky debauchery. “No, I’m going to head out. I’ll just sleep at my place tonight since you’ll probably be here a while. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I spun around and headed towards the door as fast as I could. I knew that Christina wouldn’t pick up on the fact that sleeping at my place was a huge indication that I was pissed, but Dylan would. I hadn’t slept at my apartment in months. It was actually pretty clever of me, especially in my vodka-infused state of mind, to come up with a subliminal message that only he could decipher.
Beth followed me out the door and stopped me as soon as we reached the sidewalk out front.
“Are you okay?” she asked, although it was painfully obvious that I was anything but.
“Beth, can you believe him?” I yelled, flailing my arms in the air. “He not only called her and invited her to the show, which he failed to mention to me, but then he had the nerve to sit there and ignore me while he talked to her. And the best part is that he asked me to wait for him. Why would I wait for him? So I can sit there wanting to poke my eyeballs out while she fawns all over him? No thanks.”
Beth winced. “I hate to ask this, but do you think he talks to her on a regular basis?”
That was the question I hated to ask myself, too, because the truth was, I had no idea. Hell, maybe he had called the other red-headed troll and invited her to the show, too.
“I don’t know,” I sighed. A sinking feeling emerged inside of my heart. Now I remembered why I had sworn off love in the first place. When it was good, there was nothing that could compare to it. But when it was bad, all you wanted was to find some way to make the pain go away.
The thing that bothered me the most was that Dylan didn’t follow me when I left, or even try to stop me from leaving. I wanted him to care. I needed him to care. And he didn’t fucking care.
“Do you want to grab a cab with me?” Beth asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “But let me do something first.”
I ran back over to the front door and peered inside. I had to have one last look before I went home. The two of them were in the same spot as before, leaning in towards each other, giggling like little kids at something that Justin said. Just as the tears in my eyes started to resurface, Dylan looked up and spotted me. Our eyes met, and I did the only thing I could think of.
I ran.
I grabbed Beth and pulled her further down the street, flagging over the first cab in sight. Just as I was about to hop in, I heard Dylan’s voice behind me.
“Renee, what are you doing?”
I glared at him. “Going home,” I said. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
He ran over to me and pulled me away from the cab. “Beth, I’m going to take her home.”
“Oh, really?” I asked. “I thought you were taking Christina home?”
Dylan slammed the cab door shut and waived to the driver that it was okay to leave. He turned to me and put both hands on my arms, looking me straight into my eyes.
“Renee, how much did you have to drink tonight? You’re being ridiculous.”
I pushed his hands off me and backed away from him. “I’m being ridiculous? Dylan, I heard her say that you called her earlier and invited her here. Care to explain that to me?”
He threw his head back and rolled his eyes. “The girl has been calling me for weeks. She’s left me a couple messages, just being friendly and wanting to see how I’ve been. I finally called her back today and told her I’ve been busy with the band and she asked where I was playing. I didn’t specifically call her to invite her here.”
“So why didn’t you tell me that?”
He shrugged. “Because I figured this was how you’d react.”
“Oh that’s great. So lie to me.”
The left side of his mouth shifted upward into a half-smirk. “I wasn’t lying. I was withholding information. That’s completely different.”
I could feel my cheeks start to burn and smoke come out of my ears. “Glad this is funny to you.”
“Oh, come on. The girl was a part of my life at one time, Renee. I’m not going to just ignore her forever just because I have a new girlfriend.”
“Oh, that’s fucking great,” I said. “Why don’t I just call David, too? Maybe I’ll fly out to Cali and go visit him, for old times sake. I mean, he was a part of my life at one time, Dylan.”
The amusement in Dylan’s eyes dimmed. “Well, you did seem to be pretty happy about his newfound single status, with your little champagne party and all.”
“Cut the shit. That had nothing to do with him being single and you know it.” I looked out into the street, thinking about how much I just wanted to run off and jump into a cab. I wanted to throw myself under my covers, wake up tomorrow and never think about tonight again.
“But you know what pissed me off even more?” I continued. “That you completely ignored me after the show while you talked to her. And then, when I told you I was leaving, you didn’t even come to see why I was upset. It’s like you don’t even care.”
“I do care,” he insisted. “I love you, Renee. More than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, believe it or not. But when you act like a fucking child, I’m not going to give in to you. I’m not going to run after you because you can’t handle the fact that I’m conversing with someone that I used to date. What happened to that girl I fell in love with? The one that was secure? The one that wasn’t jealous? The one that was different from all those other girls I dated? What happened to her, huh?”
Before he could say another word, I spun around and ran in the opposite direction, waving over the first cab in sight. And after I climbed in the backseat and the cab rolled away, I never looked back to see if he was still watching. I thought about it, I wanted to, but I didn’t. I think it was partially because I was afraid that if I turned around, he might not be there.
***
I cried throughout the entire cab ride home, making a failed attempt to sob quietly so that the cab driver wouldn’t think I was some nutcase. I cursed myself for not carrying napkins in my purse because I was forced to wipe my eyes with my sleeve. I hoped that mascara didn’t stain clothes because if it did, then Dylan had not only ruined my night, but also my favorite shirt.
I told the cab driver to drop me off at the corner of my street, figuring I could use a five-minute walk to clear my head. I hopped out and sta
rted walking towards my apartment, taking note of the sad fact that every single building on my street looked exactly like mine. There was no diversity, no unique structure, just one identical building after the other. Something about it made my heart hurt.
I’d almost reached my apartment when I noticed a man sitting on my front steps. He looked young, possibly my age, but it was hard to tell when the inside of my head felt like a tilt-a-whirl. He was staring down at the steps, fiddling with a twig, looking lost in his own sad world of thoughts. I wondered if he was locked out of his apartment. I’d never noticed him before, but then again, I had been so wrapped in Dylan that I probably could have tripped over him in the hallway and not remembered him.
“Excuse me,” I called to him as I ascended the stairs. “Do you need me to let you in?”
As soon as our eyes met, the panic that shot up my spine stripped me of all powers of speech. I stood there in a state of shock and wondered if my eyes were playing tricks on me.
This can’t be happening, I thought to myself. This isn’t real.
But as soon as he started to speak, I knew it was him.
Chapter 20
“David, what are you doing here?”
“Before you say anything, just give me a minute to explain,” he said. His eyes looked sad and defeated, like he hadn’t slept in weeks. I stared at him for a long time, my legs frozen in place, and for some strange reason I actually felt sorry for him. It was a lot easier to stay mad at someone who was three-thousand miles away and lived only in your imagination. You could give them all sorts of awful traits, eliminate all the good memories, kick them out of your life forever. But seeing him now only reminded me of all the feelings I’d had for him before, his dark eyes, the way his dimples indented when he laughed. For one brief, nostalgic nanosecond, those feelings reappeared, until my brain fought its way back through the vodka kamikaze parade and reminded me of the fact that he was a heart-raping, soul-sucking swine who’d ripped my life to shreds a year prior.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I said.
He stood up and looked at me with a weird desperation in his eyes. “Please,” he begged. “Just let me come in for five minutes. Then, if you don’t want to see me ever again, I’ll go.”
“I already know I don’t ever want to see you again.” I said, my eyes trained on the ground.
“You don’t mean that.” He stepped closer to me, so close that I could feel his breath on my face. He smelled like shampoo and cinnamon.
“How long have you been out here?” I asked, changing the subject. “How did you even get here? How did you know where I lived?”
He shook his head in frustration, transferring his gaze to the steps, then back up to me. “That’s not important. Just please let me in. Five minutes. Then, I’ll go.
I stood there in silence, musing over this entire absurd situation. I wondered what on earth would cause him to fly across the country and show up on my doorstep unannounced in the middle of the night. After careful consideration, I figured there was only one way to find out.
“Five minutes,” I insisted. “And not a minute more.”
***
My living room felt like it was a hundred degrees. Between all the booze and built up frustration, my entire body was soaked in sweat. I ran into my kitchen, ran a cloth under ice cold water and wiped my face and neck, while David studied me from the doorway. He was lucky that I was absolutely hammered, because if I wasn’t, there was no way in hell I would’ve allowed him into my house. But alcohol and anger mixed together will make a person do crazy things.
I grabbed a Gatorade out of my fridge and chugged the rest of the bottle in one gulp. David looked at me like I had just done a cartwheel in the middle of my kitchen.
“Thirsty?” he asked, attempting a joke. I glared at him. If he thought for one second that his groveling was over and we were going to be best buds, he was in for a serious reality check.
I relocated to the living room, plopped myself down on the couch and willed my eyes to stay open. I was fading fast, but I had to find out what the hell had provoked David to make his unwanted, surprise guest appearance back into my life.
“First off, how did you know where I lived?” I asked.
He sighed. “I promised I wouldn’t say.”
“Well, if you don’t tell me, then you can get the fuck out.” I wasn’t in the mood for any game playing. I had experienced enough emotional turmoil for one night.
“Your sister,” he blurted out. “I called her.”
That figured. My sister had visited L.A. during my senior year when David and I had just started dating and they’d hit it off immediately, no doubt due to the fact that Holly liked any male who looked like a model and lived for the next super bowl. She had married some hot-shot investment banker, Ben, a narcissistic suit who told twenty-minute stories with no end in sight just for the sake of hearing himself talk. Her taste in male suitors was beyond terrible. I could imagine her convincing David what a great idea it was to fly here and try to win me back.
“Not surprised,” I retorted. “When did you get here?”
“Yesterday. I almost came by last night but I chickened out.”
“Okay, and why are you here?” I asked. “What in the world possessed you to come all the way here and show up at my house?”
He put his hands over his eyes and swayed his head back and forth. “I can’t think with you yelling at me. I had this whole speech prepared, and now… ”
“Speech?” I laughed scornfully, but then realized by his solemn expression that he wasn’t taking the situation lightly. “I’m sorry, continue.”
He exhaled loudly and lowered his shoulders, like someone that was getting ready to jump out of a plane. “Okay, to hell with the speech, I’m just going to come out and say it. I fucked up. I mean, I really fucked up. I know it, you know it, the whole world knows it. You and I had something that I’ve never had with anyone before in my life, and I ruined everything. I really don’t even know why I did it; it’s just what I do. I could fuck up a free lunch.”
I tried to stifle my laughter, but he caught me and shot me a contemptuous look.
“It’s not funny, Renee. I messed up bad. I mean, at first, I really liked Justine. That week you were away, we spent a lot of time together, and I really fell for her. But she wasn’t you. And after a while, I just missed what we had. I realized how big of a mistake I made. I couldn’t get you out of my head. I started dreaming about you, sometimes every night, and it made me crazy. I don’t know why I do this, but somehow I always manage to screw up every relationship I’m in. For the most part, it’s never mattered, but with you, it does. I… I really love you, Renee. I always have. And I know you can probably never forgive me for what I did, but I had to come here. I had to see you. I had to see for myself if it was really over between us, because…”
“David,” I interrupted, looking him straight in the eye. “I appreciate you coming here to have some sort of… closure, if you will. But trust me, it’s over.”
He winced, obviously not expecting that to be my response. “Really? You have no feelings for me whatsoever?”
“You slept with my best friend!” I yelled. “Even if I had all the feelings in the world for you, it wouldn’t matter. Would you really want to be that guy? That guy that everyone knows slept with my best friend?”
He knelt down on the floor in front of me and grabbed my hand. I quickly jerked it away. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I could even move to Boston if you wanted. We could start over.”
I knew that David didn’t really love me. He was in love with the idea of me. He only wanted me because he couldn’t have me. I was the one girl that wasn’t going to allow him to charm his way back into my life and he knew it. I told him this, but he refused to believe me. He insisted that he could make me trust him again.
I shook my head. “David, it’s over. I’m with someone now that I love very much.”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh, the ban
d guy? Yeah, you’re sister told me all about him. Come on, Renee, you’re really going to have a future with that guy? Is he going to be able to support you with the money he makes playing gigs? Are you going to marry someone who works until two in the morning and has girls hanging all over him every night? You can’t have a future with someone like that.”
I couldn’t believe there was ever actually a time in my life when I’d been so blinded by David’s adorable dimples and angelic face that I hadn’t picked up on how differently we both viewed the world.
Just as I opened my mouth to respond to his ridiculous comments, the room started to spin. A lot. My eyes felt like bricks. The kamikaze shots slowly started burning their way up the back of my throat. I lay down on my couch and rested my head on the pillow, leaving one foot on the floor, a trick that someone once told me stopped the spins. It didn’t work. I could feel the outside world begin to fade as I drifted into unconsciousness.
“David,” I mumbled to him. “I really need to go to sleep. You need to leave.”
“Renee, please…”
“You’re five minutes is up. Please go.”
That’s the last thing I remember before passing out.
***
When I awoke, my head felt like someone had stepped on it. My temples were throbbing, and it sounded like there were tiny animals running back and forth between my ears. I rolled over and buried my head in the pillow.
“Dylan,” I mumbled, slowly coming out of my semiconscious state. “I need aspirin.”
“Dylan? Is that the angry guy who lives upstairs?”
My eyes swung open in a flash of horror as the events of last night flooded my memory. I sprung up and found David sprawled out on my armchair, sipping on a Starbucks Frappuccino like he owned the place.
“What are you doing here?” I shrieked.
David shrugged. “We didn’t get a chance to finish talking last night since you passed out. I got you a blanket and waited for you to wake up, but I ended up falling asleep on your chair. I figured we could finish talking when you woke up.”
Sound Bites: A Rock & Roll Love Story Page 13