I’ve asked for so much, Lord, and you’ve given it to me. Forgive me for seeming ungrateful if I ask for more, but I would dearly love a place to—
“You look as though you belong.” Silas’s voice rumbled over my thoughts.
My eyes winged open, my heart blasting, then recovering. “Belong . . . here?”
Something about his face seemed different as he stood quite near, as if the moon glow and quiet shadows had intoxicated him into a dreamy haze. Like he considered kissing me. But he remained in place, his gaze pinning me with quiet delight. The change unsettled me. I broke the tension by looking down at the grass now blue in the shadows.
“Among the flowers, I mean. You look like one of them.”
“There is no part of Lynhurst where I belong, I’m convinced of that.”
“What is it that makes you think so?”
“I’m sure they’ve told you what happened today. With . . . everything. My father, our past. I do believe I could have belonged here, if only they didn’t care so greatly what people think of them.” Hurt welled up again, swift and sharp, as I thought about what they’d said.
“Has it ever occurred to you that you are guilty of the same?”
I whipped my face up to look at him, anger pricking. “Is this another one of your word plays, Mr. Rotherham? A joke? Surely you know my character better than that.”
“Then why does their disapproval bother you so?”
I dropped my gaze, studying the pink rose at my fingertips. “Because Papa deserves better.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’ve been to Shepton Mallet again. How incredible, to hear how they love you in that place. Yet here at Lynhurst, among your own family, you fight to be accepted. What exactly is the difference?”
“The people.” The answer rolled off my tongue.
“I thought so too, at first.” He stepped closer, his chest nearing my face. “But after visiting your prison twice, I think the difference is in you, Aurelie.”
I balled my fists. “How can you think that? I am the same, wherever I live. No fancy clothes will ever change me, and I would think you’d know that much about me by now.”
“Listen. If a boy was drowning in the English Channel and you were the only one there who knew how to swim, you’d dive right in, wouldn’t you? And the last thing you’d worry about is how proper your form appeared to the watchers on the beach.”
“What a question.”
“You lived that way at Shepton Mallet. Passionately breathing life into those people with every action, extravagantly loving, diving in and rescuing. You hadn’t time for caring what you looked like to anyone. Instead you focused on others. You saw them as real, worthwhile individuals with credible ideas and talents, and that’s what makes you such an angel in their midst.”
Tears gathered behind my eyes, heating my face. “I cannot live that way here. They don’t want my help.”
“You can always choose selflessness. Make them feel good about themselves the way you did for the people of the Mallet, rather than shaping so carefully what they think of you.”
“You make me sound selfish.”
“I only want you to be who you actually are.”
“That person does not belong here.”
He moved forward, gripping my arms, his face earnest. “You will never belong here, Miss Aurelie Harcourt of Shepton Mallet. Not one bit. And may it always be so.”
“They are my family, and I have nowhere else to go. And my heart. . . my heart needs to belong somewhere. It is not a loner.”
In answer he bent forward, fingertips moving up and exploring my hair as if he reveled in the tresses, nose resting atop my head. “That I know.” His voice tickled my scalp until he leaned back, and it was intoxicatingly intimate.
I leaned a breath closer. Do that again.
“May I speak honestly with you?”
I sought his eyes. “What have you been doing since I’ve known you?”
This was it. The words were at the gate of his lips, ready to flood out into the night between us, mending and warming my heart. Answering my prayers. For I read the deep feelings in his expression. Eyes closed, I savored his nearness. Loneliness suddenly felt like a foreign concept.
“I find it . . . wonderful that you do not belong.” His voice hitched. “The very fact that you do not fit in here, among these broken people. The fact that you do not feel comfortable. I find you wonderful.”
Silas folded me boldly in his arms, pulling me to his chest, tightly binding together the shattered fragments of my heart for a moment of supreme peace. A small whimper of release escaped my lips. Oh, the sweet scent of him. The feel of his chest. The heady warmth of a full embrace. Stars lit the cloudless sky overhead, a beautiful backdrop to the moment. My mind swirled. Pure pleasure in the moment bound my objections.
Silas. Silas was holding me. I belonged to him for this moment.
“Your beauty outshines everyone around you, and it would even if you wore a feed sack. No one in this house has any sense, Aurelie. None at all.” His words tumbled out as his lips moved tenderly along the top of my head. Was he kissing my hair? “Except for one single person who saw the remarkable beauty in you from the beginning, as I did.” He loosened his hold and leaned back to look at me, his arms still supporting my back. One fingertip traced my spine over my dress. “One would think you were an angel, the way Nelle speaks of you.”
Nelle. Her sweet face came to mind, a niggling ache invading the moment. Nelle, looking up at Silas in hero worship. The pair walking together as if one person. “He has met my Dahlia and he treats her like a little lady.”
But he couldn’t love Nelle. Couldn’t.
I glanced up into his eyes glowing with pure affection and suddenly imagined them turned on Nelle that same way. Somehow I could picture it. Confusion ripped through me, and I stepped back, sliding out of his embrace. I needed space to right my brain.
“Please.” Desperation scored his shadowed face. “Please don’t go. I couldn’t bear it.”
Maybe I’d been mistaken about Nelle. His feelings for me were so ardent, so genuine. When I hesitated, he stepped forward again, closing the distance in one swift movement, embracing me and nuzzling my ear. Again, I was anchored firmly to his chest. His lips brushed the tip of my ear, sending chills across my scalp and down my neck. My head swam.
He leaned back to face me, searing me with his gaze. With one thumb caressing my cheek, he closed his eyes and lowered his face to mine. I anticipated it, ached for it, my lips tingling. I could let him, and sink into it with great pleasure. He wanted me. Chose me. Not Nelle—me.
But Nelle. Dear, sweet Nelle.
Nelle.
The niggling ache grew as I pictured her kind face scored with hurt and betrayal and then it engulfed me painfully.
“He really is the finest man . . . I do so want you to understand about him. Will you promise to think well of him? At least a little.”
The memory of her earnest face, glowing with thoughts of Silas, pulsed in my mind.
A light movement of his hand on the skin of my arm broke through my thoughts.
I couldn’t think this way, so intoxicated by the nearness of him. It would be a mistake, whatever happened in that moment. I slipped back, dipping my head to avoid the kiss. My forehead skimmed his nose, and I planted my hands on his chest.
Heart brimming, I lifted my face from a safe distance and searched his eyes. “I should go inside.” The confusion in my heart was mirrored on his face. Before my disloyal heart could change its mind, a door slammed open behind us and a stream of light cut across the lawn. I pulled fully away and took a step back.
He stood at the safe distance I had created, watching me with tender eyes. How easily I could sink into loving him.
But not yet. Not until the truth had been untangled, and it was clear who he belonged to. I could not make the mistake of lavishing my devotion on a man who was not wholly mine. And if Nelle had even a sliver of
a chance to win him, then she should. For she needed him far more than I did.
Every hasty action in my first romance had been utterly regretted. In those moments, I’d warned myself against all rash behavior in the future, and for the first time, I listened to the advice of my past self.
I stepped forward and squeezed his hand, sealing the authenticity of my affection, and tore myself away from his presence before we could be discovered. I fled through the night with ragged breaths of clammy air, my path lit only by light streaming out of the windows.
But in the cool reality of aloneness, I berated myself. Why? Why had I done it? The thought trailed me as I ran into the house and up the stairs to my bedchamber, my haven in this foreign place. I could be deep into a kiss with him right now, tasting his lips and delighting in his embrace. I locked the door behind me in my bedchamber, but my efforts would not shut off the flow of feelings battling for control. I sank to my rug in a puddle of regret, angst, and desire and cried.
28
Too often people make a goal of avoiding mistakes. That is a mistake in itself, for no life lesson will pierce deep enough to remain with us unless it is preceded by the sharpness of regret.
~Nathaniel Droll, Lady Jayne Disappears
I watched the moon from my window that night, knees tucked to my chest as I curled into the wingback chair. My empty dinner tray lay on the floor beside me. It was probably good that I hadn’t known until now this tray would appear if I missed dinner, or I’d have skipped plenty of meals before this one.
How could I show my face before them again? I had even upset Silas now, my only true ally. Before I could break open my heart and pray, a knock sounded on my door.
“Special delivery,” called a muffled female voice.
I uncurled from the chair and rose to answer. Juliette stood on the other side, eyes shining, holding out a cup of Danish pieces and stewed strawberries.
Awkwardness tightened my limbs as I opened the door for my cousin and ushered her in.
“I know how you love your breakfast sweets, so I had the kitchen staff fetch a few things for you.” Juliette held out the cup, smiling, then dropped her gaze. “I made some rather base comments today, and I hope you will forgive me.”
With a smile, I took the cup and returned to my chair to curl into it. Juliette followed, taking the other.
“Really, I had no idea you were related to Uncle Woolf at all. Grandmama never tells us anything worthwhile, you know. She hugs her secrets to her like they’re her real family. And you must believe me, I’d never have called you those things if I had known. We’ve gotten to know you, so it’s quite different. You are not some orphan from the gutter.” She reached across the expanse and touched my arm, catching my gaze with bright eyes. “I’m glad you’ve come to us, and I hope they never make you leave.”
My face relaxed, my neck and shoulders sinking into the cushions. “Thank you.”
“You are still the only one in this entire house who supports me seeing Jasper. You understand when no one else does.”
When I pinched my lips, holding back the flood of thoughts, Silas’s words of conviction surfaced again, washing over me as truth. I did care what they thought of me. Too much. I knew Jasper, and knew that nothing good would come of his relationship with Juliette, yet I chose silence in the matter. Why? To maintain my constantly tenuous friendship with this girl. To ensure I remained in this house. For my benefit, not Juliette’s. What an utterly selfish decision.
But that would change.
“I am not exactly a supporter, you know.” No, not enough. Stronger. Courage. I inhaled. “You deserve far better. He truly is an awful person, Juliette.” There. The words were out. “Gambling, lying, drinking. A lot of anger. Believe me, there is much wickedness under that gentleman’s suit. I knew him before I came to Lynhurst. I even thought to help him, to bind all those gaping wounds with love.”
Her little mouth pinched, eyebrows arching. “Do you truly believe you can win him this way?”
“Truly, I do not desire him. I’ve never wanted anyone less in my life. But I care for you, dear cousin, and I so much want you to have the best. And Jasper Grupp is far from it.”
Her narrowed gaze dug under the layers of my countenance, studying carefully.
My heart nearly vibrated against my ribs. “Ask him where his real home is. Demand that he show you where he stays. It will not be in a fancy hotel or seaside inn. Ask the people who live around Shepton Mallet about him. They all know the truth. If you will not listen to me, I hope you listen to all of them.”
“He is Nathaniel Droll. His fortune is likely more vast than half the shire, no matter his origins.”
“Not everything is as it seems, Juliette. Believe me. The man is so far from what he claims to be.” Juliette’s silence bolstered my courage. She was listening. Speaking the truth was working. “And I will no longer turn my head if you go to meet him again.”
Juliette held herself with marble-like posture and studied me. “You truly mean all these things?”
I nodded, hope welling in me.
“I’m glad to know the truth. I’d hate to carry on in any kind of relationship that holds falseness.” Her words were wooden. Perhaps she was in shock.
I reached across our knees to squeeze Juliette’s hands. The girl’s fingers remained curled into her palms, my affection unreturned. Holding her back straight against the curls that spiraled down from a clump atop her head, Juliette considered me with tight features.
I released her hands. “Now, let us talk of something else. Can we plan a dinner party here? Please?” That should tempt her.
But the distance between us remained.
Juliette left within a few minutes, thoughtful silence shrouding her. When the door shut behind the girl, I fell to my knees at the window, my forehead on the chilled sill.
Thank you, God. Thank you that she listened. Please help her take it to heart. It was truly miraculous the way you opened her ears when my foolish silence was lifted. The truth really is freeing, and I thank you for that as well. Please give her the strength to break ties with Jasper and move forward. Calm Jasper’s heart toward her and toward me, that he might not take vengeance on either of us.
Rising with a cleansed heart, I took to my desk and pulled down a volume from the shelf. Pleasant emotions coursed through me. If only I could channel them into my book.
The image of Juliette’s face hovered as I crawled into bed later on. My purpose had solidified, and God had made clear his plans for me, like a lantern lifting to cast its light farther out along the path. I would help steer Juliette out of her relationship with Jasper, show her family how foolish they were to waste their lives pleasing people, and write books to teach people God’s truths through story. No matter what Silas Rotherham thought, I would belong here one day because God did have a purpose for me.
When a knock sounded on my door the next morning, I jumped out of bed and swirled my robe about me, a greeting for my cousin on my lips. But it was not Juliette on the other side of the door.
“Nelle.” Waves of bittersweet emotion washed over me as the sight of my dear friend collided with my memories of Silas the night before. The girl stood outside my door, smiling and holding up another purple dress with flowerets embroidered along the bustline and waist.
“Do you like it? You were stunning in the purple gown you wore to the party, so I had to make you another. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Mind?” I smiled, drawing my friend into the room, despite my aching heart. I needed a little more time to deal with my attachment to Silas Rotherham, and that was hard to do while in Nelle’s presence.
“Will you try it on? I’m quite fond of this gown, and I want to see if it fits well enough. I used the same template I created for the others, but the gathers around the bodice might give it a different fit.” She smiled. “Besides, I’d love to see it on you.”
“Of course.” Twirling my hair up to my scalp, I turned my back so Nell
e could undo the buttons and ties. “About Silas. I’d like to ask you something.”
“Yes?” Her quick fingers slowed.
“What—”
Bang! Bang! Pounding on my door made us jump. I walked to the door to answer, Nelle trailing behind to fix the closures on the back of my dress.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” Anger quaked Glenna’s body as I flung open the door, her trembling hand waving a paper at me. “You wretched, evil girl. How dare you sneak into this house as one of our own and ruin our family. I want you out!” She whipped the letter across my face, spiked it onto the floor, and stalked out. “Digory!”
Gut clenched, I snatched the paper and flattened it against the wall.
I have gone to be with the man I love, and none of you can convince me I should do otherwise. I cannot stay here another day without being allowed to see him. The force between us is stronger than any of you with such simple, empty marriages could possibly understand.
My dear cousin Aurelie, thank you for showing so plainly the truth of your friendship with me. You should know that your scheming finally drove me into the waiting arms of my lover, and for that I thank you.
The smirk came through the girl’s words as if she’d drawn a picture above them. My knees weakened, and I sank to the floor against the doorway. Regret washed over me in massive tidal waves. Oh, what had I done?
Silas had been right. I’d rationalized, protected my image for far too long.
At the expense of someone’s future.
Why had it been so important? Why? So what if my family knew of my past? They knew now anyway. And Juliette—she hadn’t liked me any better in the end for supporting her wrong decisions. While I had believed the fire to be completely under control, a gentle smoldering that was easily extinguished, little sparks had been gaining strength beneath the leaves until they united in one huge, engulfing fire I was helpless to stop.
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