by Amanda Byrd
In her office were approximately ten people, Lilly and Ned among them. Lilly was also her receptionist and already a waterfall of emotions. The human part of Miranda felt as though a part of her was being ripped away, while the other two parts of her laughed at the sentiments. You two better knock it off—NOW. No outbursts, no fits of rage, just shut the hell up. It’s two hours; you can handle that, right? Hahahaha! No, we can’t. You know this. The term ‘well-behaved’ isn’t in our personal dictionaries. Ugh, fine. Just . . . ugh!
“Wow! Thanks for throwing this party, Lilly! Talk about bittersweet, huh.”
Here I am telling you two to behave and listen to me. This was a bad idea.
“Oh Doc, this really was nothing. We’ll all miss you. The others couldn’t make it because you helped them so much they were afraid they’d fall back into old patterns again. Oh, Doc!” Lilly cried, flinging her arms around Miranda in a sopping wet hug of tears. Miranda returned the hug half-heartedly.
Pushing Lilly back to arm’s length, she said, “Don’t cry. Lilly, you know you have an even better job waiting for you tomorrow.”
Miranda set Lilly up with a colleague and much higher pay. Lilly backed away, holding multiple tissues against her face, blocking all but half an eye. Everyone else, also in tears, hugged Miranda, thanking her for their progress and referrals to other doctors like her. Ned handed her a glass of champagne and called for a toast. Everyone had something to say. All of their words touched Miranda’s human heart in one way or another. Then it was Miranda’s turn.
“Thank you all for this lovely party. It means more than I can express that I was able to help you all. But please keep in mind that if you didn’t want help, not I nor anyone else would be able to help you. You all mean a great deal to me and I hope we stay in touch. I mean it, if any of you ever need anything, please call me. Now let’s cut that cake!”
A round of clanking glasses and Miranda found a knife in her hand to cut the beautifully decorated—it even had fondant daffodils and daises, Miranda’s favorite flowers—on it. The knife gleamed so shiny, so beautiful . . . so perfect. Shiny like my fangs, mmmm, how the blood of the weeping would taste. C’mon, let’s have at it! Just listen to their hearts! Pumping with sadness and joy and fear all at once! Miranda felt the warmer-than-body-temperature blood trickle down her throat. Yeah, that’s right, feel it, taste it . . . Yeah! Then rip their throats and hearts out and eat them! I told you two to shut the hell up! Miranda stuck the knife in the cake ever so gently, taking great care not to knock over, or worse, cut in half, one of the precious fondant flowers.
“Okay, who wants first piece?”
No one said a word. No one moved or twitched. They simply stood there, heads solemnly bowed as if saying a final silent prayer.
“I asked who wanted cake, now someone answer me.”
As if the tone of Miranda’s voice snapped everyone from their trance, they all started moving again, almost shoving each other for a piece of the rather large cake.
“So where’s Teddy?” Lilly asked, taking a bite of the lemon vanilla marble cake.
With a mouthful of fondant daffodil, Miranda attempted to tell her, but she was stopped by the savoring of the buttercream flavor.
When she swallowed and put her plate down, she answered, “He said it wasn’t his place to be here, particularly because of doctor-patient confidentiality. Also, the movers should be at the apartment any minute.”
Glancing at her watch—it was now twelve past noon—Miranda announced it was time for her to go pack her last-minute things and get on the road, further explaining that she had to meet the builder in Tampa on Wednesday at noon. Lilly boxed up the cake and forced Miranda to take it with her, mumbling something about it making for a good road trip snack. Yeah, because she has a clue about road trip food; cheeseburgers, people . . . oh, the goodness . . .
Miranda said her final goodbyes, went to her Night Chariot awaiting her in the lot and drove home to get the vehicles packed up for the 2,500-mile trip home.
Two
Miranda pulled up to a moving truck in her driveway, annoyed she now had to park her Night Chariot in the street. She walked across the lawn to the main entry, pulled it open harder than intended almost breaking the glass, and stomped to the elevator when she almost slipped on the marble floor. She knew the movers would arrive while she was at the party, but this still irritated her. How are we supposed to feed now? The movers will be in and out. What the hell! Calm down, you two act like they’re going to be in the kitchen--- oh no! I hope Teddy hid the warmer! Forget the elevator . . . Miranda took off for the stairs, removing her shoes as she ran up.
Bolting out of the stairway door, she saw the movers carrying out her freezer.
“Hey, guys! You have a way to plug that in for the trip to Tampa, right?”
“Yes ma’am, we sure do. Your husband was very specific when he mentioned this freezer. Do you mind if we ask what’s inside it?”
“Oh, uh, just some animals that I have yet to preserve for taxidermizing.”
Whew, that was close! Good thing there’s three of us in here or this situation could’ve turned out really bad. Like, REALLY bad. The cops would have shown up, the whole nine! It would have derailed before I found the cure to get rid of you two morons. Hey! We are NOT morons, just the werewolf is. No, you’re both morons, now hush. She waited patiently for the moving team to haul the freezer to the service elevator so she could walk in and get her last-minute things together, trying not to have a panic attack over the warmer.
“Teddy! You took everything out of the warmer, right? Please tell me you hid it in my stuff. Oh my seven hells, please-”
“Miranda, deep breath. Yes. It’s in the luggage you specified.”
Letting out an immense sigh of relief, she kissed Teddy and went off to finish gathering her last-minute items. In the bedroom, it appeared that Teddy had already finished his final preparations, as Miranda’s things were all the was left. And, of course, the cats, but Teddy wrangled them into their crate long before Miranda got home. Those two furballs really had some lungs, screaming to whatever heavens cats screamed to. Understandably, they hated the crate; no person wants to be stuck in a three-by-three cage with anyone else, why should cats? She hurriedly changed into more comfortable clothes suited for the long drive and pet the cats, assuring them they would be fine, even giving them a few treats. From her werewolf perspective, she was able to understand a lot more how the cats felt. Somehow, though, they were not afraid of, or otherwise bothered by her new monster self.
“Teddy, the movers are finished or no?”
“They still have to load the living room and they’re done. They said about ten more minutes.”
“Perfect. We have to go to the office and turn in our keys anyway. Better yet, I’ll handle it as soon as I pack my makeup and hair stuff.”
Miranda resumed her finishing touches on packing and took the elevator back to the ground floor, making a left off the elevator. She walked four doors and knocked. A jolly portly woman opened the door. She beamed when she saw it was Miranda doing the knocking.
“Hi, Mrs. Plump! I wanted to return our keys. We’re about to leave in a few minutes.”
The woman grabbed her in a bone-crushing hug and cried.
“Miranda, you have been one of my favorite residents. Are you sure you have to go?”
“I’m sorry but yes. California isn’t for us.”
“Well, ok, but please come visit this old woman, will ya?”
“Of course we will.”
Mrs. Plump released Miranda and thanked her again for being so wonderful before closing the door. Hah! If she had half a brain, she might be able to figure out you’re not you anymore. You are us. You leave that poor woman alone! She has been nothing but welcoming and nice to us. I swear, if I could rip you out and beat you, I would, but no, I have to settle for mental battle
s. And you wonder why I call you morons. Miranda headed back for the elevator so they could pack up and hit the road. She did not want to be late and was exceedingly anxious and excited to see their new house. The elevator ride back up consisted of mentally decorating the interior of the rather large, new house. It was much bigger than the six—monsters and cats included—of them actually needed, but Miranda wanted five bedrooms and five and a half bathrooms, a library, and an office she could see patients in. She intended to have another office as well, for those who were a little on the obsessive side. Those were not the kind of people she wanted knowing where she lived given she would have to try to explain to the police what happened to those who went too far and she had to feast upon. How does one even begin to answer that? Yes officer, I ate him because he attacked me. Because that’ll go over oh so well. They’ll be calling me Miranda Dahmer. No thank you. Well, maybe that doesn’t sound too terrible, given the circumstances. Then again, people don’t really believe vampires and werewolves are real anyway, except in New Jersey—that Jersey Devil thing. Meh, Dahmer isn’t the worst misnomer I could be given.
When the elevator dinged her floor, Miranda jogged back to her apartment. She needed to go and she needed to go now, right this minute. Teddy already had their bags loaded in their respective vehicles and the cats were to ride with Miranda, regardless that she drove quite aggressively. They took one last look around and their now empty apartment, looked at each other, both knowing they were doing the right thing for them by going home, and left, with Teddy carrying the cat crate. Back down the elevator and out to Miranda’s Night Chariot they went. Teddy secured the crate in the passenger seat up front, even using the seatbelt to make sure the crate did not move. One last kiss before they hit the road, each getting into their vehicles, Miranda taking the lead of their personal caravan of two.
The 710 Interstate was packed, as usual. Bumper to bumper in a Night Chariot with two very obnoxiously loud cats. I can’t even turn up the radio because I don’t want them to go deaf. This screaming is torturous to our ears though. Yeah, for two of the three of us, anyway. Thirty minutes to I-10 then thirty-six hours across the country did not seem like it would be terribly easy with two cats who simply were terrified and could not control their fear of being locked in a crate in Miranda’s Night Chariot. Either way, the Night Chariot would need a full detail when they arrived, and Miranda had just the person to call. She had never been so thankful for having more space in a house than she would ever need until right this minute. Her detailer would need to stay overnight before he went back home. No one, in her experience, in Tampa was worth what they charged. They used tire shine that flung and was, frankly, offensive when it came to cleaning the windows properly.
Finally, they hit I-10. To say Miranda encountered much road work would be an understatement. Summer was the time of year almost every state in the country worked on their highways, roads, and interstates. Miranda had no interest in stopping anywhere for the night, as it was a thirty-seven-hour drive per her GPS. Miranda hated road work but who liked it except maybe the workers? The cats had finally screamed themselves to sleep and Miranda had her music to herself now. She called Teddy and told him once night fell, she would be stopping for food. She was craving a cheeseburger, but that was daytime food. What she truly needed was nighttime food. The best way to do that was find a wayward hitchhiker, which she did. Somewhere around the Arizona-New Mexico border, a lone traveler stopped her to ask for a ride back west. Miranda offered the man a ride and took him off the highway. The man got nervous, wringing his hands and almost begging for Miranda to release him. She got far enough away from the highway, turned the lights out, and dragged the man out of her chariot. His screams echoed in the silence, like a bleating lamb, as she tore him apart with her teeth and claws. Leaving his body in the dirt, she walked back to her Night Chariot—she called it that because it was her chariot and all black, to include tinted windows and interior. She opened the liftgate to grab some baby wipes to clean the blood off her face, body, and hands, as well as change her clothes. She had packed a special bag for blood covered clothes; a simple six-millimeter trash bag. Can’t you just get back behind the wheel? NO! Not unless you’re going to clean up the blood. Yeah, thought so, you won’t, so leave me and my bag the hell alone. She finished cleaning up and changing, got behind the wheel, and back on the highway quicker than it took to get to where she left the traveler. Audi’s really were some amazing vehicles; no skidding and perfect traction. Of course, 354 horsepower helped a lot, too, along with the world-famous Audi All-Wheel Drive. She had wanted the SQ5 for quite some time and it was truly a fitting vehicle for her human side.
Back on I-10, it was around one o’clock in the morning on Tuesday and Miranda was becoming more than a little spastic. All the road work had put a sufficiently sized dent in her plan to be at her house by ten o’clock in the morning and she was quickly losing time. Excessive speeding was the only way to remedy this and make her feel better. Good thing we’re almost out of Texas and don’t have to deal with a Lambo chasing us. Cross the Florida State line and it’s pedal to the metal, no cares given. Ooooh! Can we eat the first cop to stop us? Can we? Huh, huh, please? Oh my seven hells, you two really are stupid. We can’t eat a damn cop! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to get us arrested! Please shut up and let me drive.
By two o’clock Tuesday morning, they finally were halfway through Texas. Miranda called Teddy and asked to stop for human food. This drive was taking a lot out of her and she needed a greasy cheeseburger and some hash browns, so they stopped at a Waffle House, one of Miranda’s favorite places to eat. They kept the talking to a minimum of road trip talk and small chit-chat until they walked back to their vehicles.
“Did you get the food you needed on the way here?”
“I did. Some guy headed back west. Said he had no family and needed a change. He got that change, and no, I did not turn him. He’s dead.”
Still getting used to the idea of his once sweet wife eating people, Teddy gulped and lurched at the same time, saying “Oh” and leaving it at that.
He kissed her and they went back on their way. They knew they had not much time left and a lot of road to cover yet if Miranda wanted to be at the new house a full day before Frank. Miranda gave each cat some burger bun and a couple hash browns each, along with some filtered water—her cats were spoiled, to say the least. She climbed back behind the wheel, waiting for the cats to finish their food and water before she shifted her Night Chariot into drive and they were off once more. You know, we can stop another lonely traveler for another snack later tonight. Uh, no. We’ll plan out the next human snack later, fools. We have nineteen hours left to get home, so kindly, for the last time today, shut the hell up.
Ten hours later, or noon Tuesday afternoon, they managed to arrive in Pensacola, Florida. Seven more hours! I’m so excited to be almost home! And may I just say damn I’m good! I mean, this trip was scheduled to be a thirty-seven-hour trip but my badass driving got us here in twenty-five hours. I mean we still have time to kill—don’t you two go getting ideas, it’s broad-damn-daylight. Let’s just get the rest of the driving over with, shall we? It’s not fair to the cats. Tally-ho, fools!
Three
Driving slow, like an elderly person who should not even have a driver’s license, Miranda made her way from I-10 to I-75 South and down. She was not concerned with time, considering she had managed to shave five hours off her total drive. She was also hungry, more than she had been in some time. We can stop . . . No, we cannot. It’s broad daylight. There is no cover of darkness. Just how do you expect us to hide the screams and body, anyway? Fools. The pair of you. Jesus . . . Oh, please? Pretty please? We’re all famished and could really use some nourishment. I said no. That’s the last time I say it. We’ll make it to Tampa just before nightfall and we can find some poor, unwitting souls there. Now leave it alone.
Surprisingly enough, the drive
down I-75 was quite uneventful, which Miranda considered odd; there were always accidents and delays on 75, she knew this all too well. Switching the satellite radio station, she found a song on one of the hard rock channels to calm her escalating nerves. It was one of her favorites—the band was called Avenged Sevenfold and the song, appropriately named ‘Nightmare’; it spoke of being someone’s nightmare, which, in all reality, Miranda was. How else could someone refer to a monster like her? Miranda had other ideas about what makes a nightmare and she was going to act on those ideas. She had gotten a line on an abandoned castle somewhere in the London countryside, and for the ridiculous price, she could not say no. She also had plans to have custom carved gargoyles imported to her Tampa house for them to stand guard on the stone pillars at the end of her driveway, possibly having one or two more guarding the house and property itself. Either way, she would soon own a castle and pet gargoyles. Her source informed her the gargoyles truly did come to life and, if they liked her enough, would obey her every command. These thoughts filled Miranda with a joy like she had never known, until now. She always believed gargoyles were real, but never had a confirmation one way or the other. She had also always dreamed of taking holiday in London but to own a castle there elated her more than her wedding day.
Around seven o’clock in the evening, Miranda pulled into her new driveway of her custom-built home. Teddy was close enough behind her, showing up around ten o’clock at night. When he walked in, Miranda already had the cats set up in their room, with food, fresh water, and their beds. They were not in the room though; curious cats in a new home exploring. Miranda was in the kitchen taking in the beauty of the granite and the look exactly what she wanted it to be. It had everything she wanted: stained oak cabinets and drawers, black granite countertops, stainless-steel appliances, a double wall oven, island with porcelain sink and stainless-steel dishwasher and more stained oak cabinets and drawers. This kitchen was one she had dreamt of for years and all her hard work had finally paid off to give her the house of her dreams, light and dark.