“So Tate told me about the Disney store awkwardness,” Seb commented once the two of them were showered and changed. They each sprawled across a couch in the living room, not really watching the programs on the TV.
Riley sighed and nodded. “ ‘Awkward’ is one word for it.” He winced at the memory and the subsequent recollections that had battered his brain ever since. It seemed grossly unfair to have to deal with remembering the happiest times in his life so vividly when he and Lexie were practically strangers to one another now.
Seb tilted his head. “You seem morose, dude.”
Riley threw the TV remote down onto the coffee table. “It just sucks, you know?” He rubbed the tips of his fingers against his temple. “I mean, we were together for so long and now it’s like we don’t even know one another.”
Seb shrugged. “So change it.”
“What?”
Seb waved a hand toward the doorway. “Go and get to know her again.” Like it was that fucking easy. Seb rolled his eyes when Riley pressed his lips together and looked back at the tube. He scoffed. “You’re a fucking coward.”
“You’re damn right!” Riley snapped, taking himself and his younger brother by surprise. He shifted in his seat, embarrassed by his outburst, but his anxiety about being back home was at an all-time high. He was usually so placid, but between seeing Lex and his father being in hospital, he was wound tight as hell. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Fuck that.” Seb sat forward. “Look, we’ve been going in circles about this for years. Talk to me. What are you so afraid of? So you said some shit that wasn’t so nice. Fine, I get it, but life moves on. You were both idiots back then. Don’t look at me like that—you know Lex had her moments, just like you did.”
It was true. Lexie could stand her ground and cut to the quick when she wanted, but that wasn’t why Riley was so terrified of reconnecting. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. “I’m just . . . okay, what if we do get to know each other again, become friends? What then?”
“Then you’ll feel better?”
“But that’s the thing,” Riley lamented. “I won’t. I was never able to be just friends with her. And that hasn’t changed. Besides, I live in New York and apparently she’s back living here. It wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t work now and we both knew it wouldn’t then, which is why we . . .”
Jesus, the nostalgia was stifling.
Seb stared at Riley for a long time, his dark eyes astute. “You’re scared of getting hurt.”
Fuck, it sounded so precious when put that way, but Seb had hit the damned nail on the head. Riley was a fairly open guy and could admit to a lot of things, but the fear of having his heart broken again was not one of them. It was the main reason why he’d never told Carter or Max about Lex. He didn’t want to think about the pain or the events that caused the absolute cluster fuck that became his and Lex’s relationship.
Riley was silent for a long time before he found the courage to speak. “Do you have any idea what it took to walk away from her?” Seb’s gaze dropped to the floor. Pressing his lips together, he shook his head. “It broke me. It was as if I left a part of myself here, and every time I came back and she and I— I never got it back. I never will.” Riley rubbed his palms down his face, feeling his cheeks heat with the embarrassment of stating such a thing, but shit, there it was.
“Riley,” Seb said softly. “Man, you need to move on.” Riley opened his mouth to argue that he had, or was at least doing his best. “Fucking everything with a pulse and tits is not moving on. It’s compensating.”
“And who are you compensating for?” Riley asked sharply.
Seb cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t turn this around on me, because you know I’m right.”
Riley exhaled heavily and turned to look out the window. “But it’s not that simple.” He dropped his hands between his knees. “When I saw her the other day . . . Man, it was like everything came back—the fun we had, the laughs, how happy we were.” He shook his head of the unease he’d seen in her eyes. “But that was so long ago. I think our time has passed.”
“I think you should talk to her.” Seb held up a hand. “Just a chat. Clear the air. And then maybe you can move on properly.”
“A chat?” Riley slumped back into his seat, a small part of him grudgingly aware that what Seb was saying was right. Maybe he and Lex could talk and put whatever happened between them in the past where it belonged. Sure, they’d never be the best friends they once were, but maybe it would help Riley shake off the hurt and guilt that had been skulking quietly within him for years. “I’ll think about it,” he muttered, although whether it was to Seb or himself, he wasn’t sure.
· · ·
The following day, Riley drove his mom to the hospital and sat for three hours, awkward and uncomfortable in the only chair that occupied his father’s room while his mom perched on the edge of Park’s bed. The tension between the two men was still tangible, but Joan did her utmost to clear it, indirectly making the two of them speak to one another. In addition to being ridiculous, it was kind of exhausting.
Riley knew he’d disappointed his father when he’d been sent to Arthur Kill after doing a friend a favor and holding a shitload of stolen car parts in his shop, but what more could he do or say? He’d served his time, apologized to everyone he cared about, cleared his debts, and turned himself around. It was a stupid mistake that he’d paid for, but his father’s continuing refusal to speak more than two or three words to him was like a constant bee sting.
In truth, Riley had hoped that his father’s ill health might kick the old guy’s ass into realizing that life was too damned short to hold grudges, and that he’d decide to clean the slate. But that didn’t look at all likely.
“What’s on your mind, honey?” Joan asked as they drove back across town. He shrugged in response. “Your father will come around,” she added softly, patting his knee. “He just needs to get out of his own way first.”
Riley wasn’t so sure about that, but he appreciated his mother’s confidence all the same.
“Tate told me about the two of you seeing Alexis.” Riley’s back stiffened a little. He cleared his throat. “You kids need to sort out your differences. It’s been too long.” Riley leaned an elbow on the window’s edge, keeping his eyes resolutely on the road. “A love like that doesn’t go away, no matter how much you will it to, sweetheart.”
Riley sighed. “She pushed me away.”
“She wasn’t herself, Riley. She was sick. You know that.”
Yeah, he did know that, but it didn’t make it any easier.
Joan continued. “Maggie told me Alexis owns a store not far from here—”
“No,” Riley interrupted, shutting down the idea immediately. To her credit, his mother didn’t push. She never did. Instead she did what she’d always done with her sons: she’d planted a seed. And goddammit, the damned thing only grew bigger and louder as Riley drove. “How far?”
He’d managed to last six whole minutes before asking where Lexie’s shop was, not daring to look across at his mother.
“Take the next left.”
Riley didn’t ask how she knew. It didn’t matter.
Ten minutes later, Riley pulled the car into a large parking lot, around which were a number of outlets and restaurants. He turned off the car and sat back, his stare on the small store located between an Old Navy and a Bed Bath & Beyond.
Love, You by Lexie.
Pride and relief clutched his chest. When she was eighteen, due to devastating circumstances out of her control, Lexie had had to let her dreams of becoming a cosmologist go. Riley had to admit that despite his and Lexie’s relationship being frayed, he’d worried about what she’d done with her life. Not that he didn’t think she’d succeed. Christ, Lexie was the most determined and smartest person he knew. But it had broken his heart to see her turn her back on what she’d always wanted, regardless of the reasons.
Riley and his mother climbed out of t
he car and made their way toward the store. A smile pulled at his face when he saw the star dotting the i of her name on the sign and the moon and stars in elegant white painted in the corner of the storefront window. The display beyond that was stunning. Jewelry of all types glittered, sparkled, and shone as it lay or hung from pink stands, some of which were embossed or engraved with words that made Riley smile wider: believe, commit, survive.
“Shall we go in?”
Joan’s voice startled Riley out of his thoughts. He took a deep breath and nodded, gesturing for his mom to lead the way. She squeezed his arm briefly as she walked past, and he followed on unsteady legs. The first thing Riley noticed when he entered was the smell of the place. It was all Lexie, sweet and floral, and it threw him headlong into a memory of her undressing for him in her bedroom. They’d been seventeen and so in love. He licked his lips and rubbed a hand down his face.
“Hi, guys.” They were approached by a petite woman with deep plum-colored hair, which she wore pulled into a tight bun at the back of her head. “I’m Jaime. Let me know if I can help you today.” She reminded Riley of a puppy, all bouncy, smiley, and eager to please.
“Thanks,” he and his mother said in unison before Riley moved toward a mirrored wall that was covered in pink Post-its. He realized as he got closer that there were comments written on them:
That you tell it how it is. No bullshit!! Love, You.
Your freckles. Love, You.
Your curly locks and full lips. Love, You.
“This is so cool,” he uttered, narrowing his eyes in an effort to read the ones stuck higher up the mirror.
“I’m glad you like it.”
Hearing Lexie behind him, Riley whirled around in place, knocking a stand at his side with his arm. “Shit!” He flailed in an effort to grab it before it fell at the same time Lexie dove forward to do the same. They caught it, propping it back up, leaving the necklaces and earrings swinging sharply from their places on the stands.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, embarrassment heating his throat.
“It’s all right,” she replied with an awkward laugh. “It happens. I need to move it or put a warning sign up or something.”
Riley looked her over as she spoke, once again noting the septum piercing and the tattoos she’d added to her collection. The tattoo on the inside of his forearm suddenly felt hot, as though it knew she was near. He saw she was holding her own forearm to hide where she’d had the same tattoo inked, on the same day, and his heart pinched a little.
She turned and smiled at Riley’s mom. “Hi, Joan. It’s been a long time. I was sorry to hear about Park. How is he?”
Lexie’s expression was surprised when she was pulled in for a hug, but she quickly reciprocated, smiling into Joan’s shoulder. “He’s doing better. Thank you. And you look very well, Alexis,” Joan commented as they pulled apart. “And your store is wonderful. Congratulations.”
Lexie blushed under Joan’s praise and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Riley had never been jealous of his mom before, but her ease with Lexie was something he would kill for. Why hadn’t that been the first thing he’d said to her? Jackass.
“How long have you had it?” Riley asked instead, shoving his hands into his pockets.
“Almost three years,” she answered.
“And you make everything yourself?”
Lexie nodded. “Designed and made on the premises. Unless it’s a specific order; then we can outsource it. But we try our best to do what we can here in the store.” She crossed her arms. “I’m surprised you found us.”
Riley glanced at his mom, detecting the underlying message in Lexie’s words: she didn’t want him there. “My cousin, Maggie,” he offered. “She recognized you at the Disney store. She’s been here before and said how awesome it was.”
“That was nice of her.” Lexie wouldn’t quite meet his gaze, fidgeting and fussing with her cuticles. “Feel free to look around some more.” She looked over at Joan. “We have some great discounted pieces over there.” She pointed toward the back of the store where a group of three girls stood, holding up various pieces against themselves, and Joan took the opportunity to leave her son and Lexie alone. Lexie dropped her hand and slowly turned back to Riley. “And we have some great pieces for guys.” Without another word, she headed across the store.
Riley followed obediently, as though he had little choice in the matter. He wasn’t ashamed of the fact that he’d always been that way with Lexie. It was simple, really: she chose the direction and he followed.
“We have some really sexy cuffs and necklaces,” she said toward the wall of men’s jewelry.
Riley took a moment to look at the pieces and a guy trying on a chain before he let his gaze slide over to Lexie. “You look great,” he said softly. “Really great. I should have said that when I saw you the other day.”
Her shoulders slumped slightly. “Thank you.” She lifted her eyes to his. “So do you.” She cocked an eyebrow. “The beard is . . . different.”
Riley raised a self-conscious hand to his chin.
“But I like it,” Lexie finished.
“Thanks.”
She nudged her glasses up her nose. “This is awkward, isn’t it?”
A cough of laughter burst from Riley. “Yeah.”
She swallowed and dragged her top teeth across her bottom lip. It warmed Riley to see it. It was a tic she’d always had, coming out whenever she was nervous. “I don’t mean for it to be, but . . .”
“But?”
“But it’s been a long time.”
Riley nodded. “It has.”
“And it was a shock to see you here.”
Riley dipped his chin. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she murmured. “It’s fine. I’m glad you’ve seen this place.”
“It’s amazing, Lex. You should be so proud of yourself.”
“I am.”
Riley turned his body toward hers, the swift and overwhelming need to touch her skin fizzing through him from top to toe. “Listen, Lex, I’m gonna be around until my dad’s better and I wondered if—while I’m back, if we could, you know, maybe—”
She was shaking her head before he even finished. “No.”
“I just want to talk.”
“Riley, I can’t.”
“Nothing more. I swear.” He held up a hand.
Lexie laughed wryly and gazed up at him in a way that made Riley feel a little dizzy. “But we could never just talk,” she said quietly. “Could we?”
And didn’t that look and those words set his blood on fire? She was right, though. Every time they’d met in the past—the last time being when he returned for his parents’ wedding anniversary five years ago—with the intention of simply talking and clearing the air, they’d ended up in bed. Or against a wall. Or that time in his car. Riley shifted on his feet, his body hardening quickly. Jesus, nothing changed; the woman was like fucking Viagra.
“No,” he managed. “I guess not.” He noticed the flush of her cheeks. “But this time I really mean it.” And it was the truth. As much as he wanted to lose himself in her, to kiss her and have things back to the way they were when they were teenagers and life was simple, he wanted to be friends with her more. “I miss my best friend.”
Her eyes closed for a second. “Riley.”
“Just hear me out, okay?”
At that moment the bell above the store door rang. Lexie’s eyes widened a little as she looked past Riley. He turned instinctively to see Savannah and the little boy, Noah, in her arms, looking cute as hell with his mouth and cheeks covered in what looked suspiciously like chocolate, and a Star Wars balloon attached to his wrist, floating above them.
Savannah froze as the door shut behind them and, after a moment in which no one spoke, Riley began looking between the two sisters, trying to figure out what the fuck they were saying to each other with no words. He glanced again at Noah, who was grinning at him, and something in his stomach twis
ted at the same time the hairs on his neck lifted.
“Sorry,” Savannah said quickly. “I didn’t know that— I’ll just take Noah—”
“Mommy, look!” Noah exclaimed.
“Noah, don’t—” He began wiggling hard enough in Savannah’s arms that she was forced to squat and place him on the floor before he fell.
He ran toward Lexie, balloon arm aloft, while Riley’s brain suddenly began to move at a million miles an hour.
Wait.
Mommy?
Lexie moved around Riley quickly and bent down to the little boy as he continued to chatter. “The party was so good! I gots a bawoon! And I hads cake.”
“I can see that. I can’t wait to hear all about it, baby,” Lexie said, running a hand through the little boy’s hair. “But Mommy’s a little busy now with customers. I’ll finish up in twenty minutes, and then we’ll head home. Go with Aunt Sav and I’ll be through in a moment, okay?”
“ ’Kay,” Noah answered without argument, his attention snapping from the balloon to Riley in an instant. “You’s the man from Disney. Do you like my bawoon?”
Riley opened his mouth to speak, but found no words came. Noah gazed up at him, waiting for a reply, hazel eyes so familiar, just like they had been in the Disney store. But now, as he looked closer, Riley could see other features of Noah’s face that he saw every day he looked in the mirror. Jesus, even Noah’s nose and chin were . . .
Riley staggered back as the realization hit him like a fucking sledgehammer, his hip knocking into the display case behind him. How the fuck had he not seen it before? In his periphery, Riley saw his mother moving closer, her wide stare glued to the little boy even as Savannah took Noah’s hand and led him to the back of the store and out of a door. Could she be seeing it, too? Could he be . . . ?
When Joan’s gaze met Riley’s, he knew the answer was unequivocally yes. She looked as shell-shocked as Riley felt. “He looks just like—”
A Measure of Love Page 10