by Taylor Lewis
Jonah, rather guiltily cheered that Kyle wasn’t in the habit of picking up strangers for sex considering it had been one of his own favourite pastimes, nodded. “Sure.” An awkward silence fell before Jonah leaned forward and braced his arms on his spread thighs, intently studying his hands dangling down. “So, uh, what happens now? With the kid.”
Kyle scowled. “Well for starters you can stop calling him ‘the kid’.” He deflated slightly when Jonah grimaced apologetically and said softly, “Whatever you want, I suppose. In the eyes of the law you have equal rights to him and, given that I deliberately hid him from you, the courts will look favourably on any request you make.” His face working like he was fighting back tears, Kyle whispered, “We’re completely at your mercy. I’ll do whatever you want if you just promise not to take him away from me.”
For a moment Jonah was struck dumb with the irony of the situation. Back when he had first started dreaming of Kyle and imagining ways to get him into his arms and bed he had idly created a big, bad ex that was harassing and bullying the other man. Jonah could have swooped in to save him from the dastardly ex and then enjoyed some very heartfelt – and down and dirty – rewards. Who knew that the big, bad ex would turn out to be him and that, as far as Kyle was concerned, Jonah was the one he needed saving from?
Awkward.
“I don’t want to take him off you.” Jonah reached out and wrapped a hand around Kyle’s wrist, ignoring the flinch at the contact. “I was serious when I said that. That’s something you never have to worry about, okay?” He waited until Kyle gave a jerky nod and continued, “But I gotta ask – were you ever gonna tell me about him? Were you going to keep him hidden forever?”
Kyle opened his mouth to give an automatic denial and then paused before saying honestly, “At the beginning, when I first saw you again, yes. I never had any intention of telling you. I was out of my mind with panic and just wanted you to go away.” He looked up and met Jonah’s eyes then. “But then you came back and you kept coming back and you were....you were so nice. I can’t expect you to believe me, but I’d made the decision to tell you and ask you to be a part of Shea’s life. I really wanted that for him.”
It wasn’t until he heard the words from Kyle’s own mouth that Jonah realised how much he’d needed to hear them. Sure, he’d heard them from Lopez when she told him of her conversation with Megan but he hadn’t actually believed until Kyle spoke them himself. He swallowed to try and clear his suddenly constricted throat. “Thanks.” He gave a twisted smile when Kyle blinked and said gruffly, “That means a lot.” His eye caught on the vial with the cotton bud still on the coffee table and he let go of Kyle to stand and pick it up. He weighed it in his hand for a moment and then walked into the kitchen and tossed it into the trash. “We don’t need that.”
Looking confused, Kyle said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You want to be sure, don’t you? I don’t want you to regret not having the tests down further down the line and, besides, the court will probably want proof for their records when we attend to settle access arrangements.” He stopped short and asked hesitantly, “Unless you’re saying that you don’t want access or to be involved?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Jonah crossed back over to the couch and dropped down. “I figure I don’t need proof because, well, unless you were damn sure of yourself then you wouldn’t have gotten so freaked out about me these past weeks, right?” Kyle, looking dazed, nodded faintly. “So, yeah, I believe you that the...Shea... is mine. Plus, Lopez seems to think that all he needs is a gun and a nipple ring and he could pass for my double.”
Kyle’s eyebrows shot up and his eyes darted to Jonah’s t-shirted chest. “You have a nipple ring?”
Jonah grinned. “You don’t remember?” He held up his hands with a laugh when Kyle scowled and blushed furiously and said, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.” He placed his hand back on Kyle’s wrist and squeezed again, gently. “Look, unless you really want to go the legal route, then I’m happy if you just let me get to know him, okay? I’d like to be involved and do shit with him like go to the park and take him out for ice cream and for him to know who I am.” He smiled as reassuringly as he knew how at Kyle’s disbelieving expression and continued, “When he goes to school I want to come meet his teachers and do, like, the conference day stuff. Just be there. That’s all I want.”
“Oh.” Kyle blinked at him and then sagged like all the air had been punched out of him. “Oh. That’s....” He gave Jonah a watery smile and said thickly, “That’s so much more than I hoped for. Thank you. Thank you so much.” He tugged his arm free and wrapped both his hands around one of Jonah’s. “I promise, you can see him whenever you want. I’ll tell you everything that’s going on with him and you can see him whenever you want.”
“Okay.” Jonah reached with his free hand and patted awkwardly at Kyle’s shoulder, uncomfortable with the emotion the other man was barely holding in check. “So we’re good? We can work this out?”
“Yes.” Kyle nodded, still shaky and teary eyed with relief. “Yes, whatever you want.” He smiled tremulously and said, “I should get back. Louise and Megan will be wondering where I am.”
“Yeah, sure.” Jonah felt a pang of something like disappointment when Kyle released his hand and stood to gather his bag. “So, uh, your girl’s not going to want to cut off my balls the next time she sees me now, is she? I’m thinking that could be a little weird for Shea if he has to watch that.”
Kyle laughed and swung his bag over his shoulder. “No, she’ll be fine. She means well, she was trying to look out for us.” He started to walk to the door. “I’m more worried about poor Louise. She was afflicted with the most awful stutter when she was growing up and the shock of seeing you the other day and realising what was going on made it kick back in with a vengeance.” He pulled a face. “She’s an excellent nanny but good under pressure she is not.” He stood by the door when Jonah pulled it open for him and asked hesitantly, “Are you busy on Saturday? Would you like to come over in the afternoon and meet Shea properly? It might be better for him if we introduced you in an environment where he felt secure and happy.”
A bolt of sheer terror shot down Jonah’s spine – holy fuck, this was really happening. He was going to be someone’s daddy. “Yeah, sure.” He tried to smile. “That’d be good.”
“Okay,” Kyle nodded, oblivious to the sudden attack of cold feet his new co-parent was suffering. “About two? He’ll have had lunch by then and hopefully had a nap so he should be at his best. Oh!” He flipped open his bag and began to rummage in the contents before pulling out a padded envelope and thrusting it at Jonah. “I nearly forgot – I brought you these.”
Jonah took the envelope with a puzzled frown and looked inside to see a collection of USB sticks. “Thanks?”
Kyle laughed at his confused mutter and said, “I copied all the photos and videos of Shea we have for you. I thought you might like to see them. I put the videos of all my sonograms on there as well. Every image of Shea ever captured on film.” He looked regretfully at Jonah. “I know it’s not the same as being there from the start but I thought you might like them now. Just to see. He’s such a beautiful baby.” He paused before saying in a rush, “I never told anyone but when I found out I was pregnant I went back to the club looking for you. Only three or four times, but I did at least make an attempt to find you. I’m sorrier than I can say that I didn’t find you back then.” He hitched his bag up higher on his shoulder and said with resignation, “Still, there’s nothing to be done about that now. I’m just glad that it looks like we can at least be friends. I’ll see you Saturday.”
Jonah watched him walk out with another smile and then stared down at the envelope still clutched in his hand as he slowly closed the door. He lifted his eyes back up to the door to stare at the wooden panel and, with a horrible sinking feeling in his belly, muttered, “Wait, we’re just going to be friends?”
Chapter 9.
When Jonah knocked on Ky
le’s door the following Saturday the feeling in his gut was not unlike the first time he had taken part in a raid on a crack den. Actually, the more he thought about it, he’d actually prefer to be taking part in a raid on a crack den. He cast a longing look back at his car and wondered if it was too late to fake an urgent raid on a crack den. Kyle pulling the door open and smiling at him in welcome put paid to that – dammit.
“Hi!” Kyle, dressed casually in a clinging white long sleeved t-shirt and blue jeans, stepped back and waved him inside. “Come in.” His eyes dropped to the two large bags hanging from one of Jonah’s hands and the large purple teddy bear clutched in the other. “You look like you’ve been busy.”
Entering like he was expecting to be shot at any minute, Jonah grinned tightly and shrugged. “Yeah, I, uh, watched the videos and stuff you left. I missed his birthday and Christmas and...” He looked down at the teddy and then back up at Kyle a little helplessly. “I’m Jewish.”
Kyle blinked, confused by the apparently random information. “Okay?”
Jonah waved the bear at him. “We’ve got holidays too. He should....I should have given him gifts. Stuff.”
“Oh.” Kyle’s eyes went a little soft and dreamy for a moment before he said softly, “You couldn’t have known, Jonah. Not being there wasn’t your fault.” He frowned. “I’m not Jewish though, so he hasn’t been, um, altered. Is that a problem?”
It was Jonah’s turn to blink in confusion and then, to his horror, he felt a hot flush cover his cheeks. “Oh, hey, no, I wasn’t expecting...I didn’t say that....” He took a deep breath and scowled. “This is why I don’t like talking to people that much. I suck at it.”
Kyle stared at him and then burst out laughing, his eyes shining up at Jonah in a way that made the taller man have to focus really, really hard on the whole new friends thing they had going on between them. Apparently. Goddammit.
Kyle, oblivious to the whole new reason behind Jonah’s scowl, moved closer and patted his arm. “I think you do just fine talking. This is hard for all of us. Just try to relax and stop being so nervous, he won’t bite.” He paused, thought and then added honestly, “Well, not usually, but he’s been going through kind of a phase and if he does bite then you have to tell him no really firmly and make sure he understands that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable.”
Oh yeah, thought Jonah, that crack den is looking mighty good about now. He looked away from Kyle’s very distracting eyes and around the large living room he had stepped into. “So, where is...oh.” He stopped and looked at the little dark haired boy standing by a play table with some trucks on it and staring at him with big eyes. “Oh.” He swallowed hard. “That him?”
Kyle shot him a slightly incredulous look and then crossed to the little boy, picking him up in a practised motion and then walking back to Jonah. “Yes, this is Shea.” He laughed when Shea promptly buried his face in the crook of his neck and made a muffled squealing noise. “Shea, this is...” He broke off looking faintly worried and said to Jonah, “We never talked about what he was to call you. He knows that I’m daddy and I don’t want to confuse him, but....”
“Abi,” said Jonah thickly, eyes fixed on the curly head of his son. “It’s Hebrew for ‘my father’. Would that be okay?”
Kyle smiled at him with bright eyes. “That’s perfect.” He bounced Shea in his arms and said softly, “Shea, do you want to say hello? This is Abi. Say hi to Abi.”
Shea remained stubbornly plastered to Kyle’s neck and made another muffled squeal into his skin.
Kyle looked up when his son refused to acknowledge Jonah in any way and said apologetically, “Jonah, I’m sorry, he’s just shy. He gets like this sometimes. Would you like to sit down and just talk for a while to let him comfortable with you being here? He’ll settle down soon, I promise.”
“Yeah, sure.” Jonah ached to touch the little boy that was huddling so obstinately into Kyle, but made himself exercise some patience and nodded. “Yeah, that’d be good.” He followed Kyle when he went to a large comfortable couch and sat on the opposite end of it, hesitating for a moment before placing the teddy on the seat between them before putting down his bags. He watched Kyle stroke Shea’s back, pale fingers stroking over a motif of a smiling sun, unsure what to say.
Kyle looked up from where he was softly encouraging Shea to turn around. “I’m sorry. He’ll be better in a moment.”
“It’s okay.” Jonah waved uncomfortably at Shea. “I get it.” He cleared his throat. “So, I was thinking that I should maybe talk to my mom and sister soon and fill them in on what’s going on. Tell them about Shea and maybe you’d think about letting him see them?” He frowned at Kyle’s startled expression. “What? I say something wrong?”
“No, it’s just...” Kyle bowed his head, shielding his expression from Jonah’s eyes, but the other man could see the pink flooding his skin nonetheless. “I didn’t think about everything else he’d be getting along with you. He doesn’t have a grandmother, my mother died when I was little and I don’t have any brothers or sisters.” He looked up and a pleased smile stretched his mouth. “You really want to introduce him to your mother?”
Jonah laughed wryly. “You know when you said back there that he hadn’t been altered?” Kyle nodded confused. “Yeah, well they only take your jacket at a bris – I don’t tell my mom about him and I can guarantee she’ll take everything else when she does find out. She’s gonna go crazy when I tell her she’ll be so happy.”
Kyle’s whole face shone. “And she won’t mind about me? That I’m a man?”
Giving the question some serious thought, Jonah frowned and then shook his head. “No, don’t think so.” He hesitated and then asked, “You religious at all? Belong to a church or something?” Kyle shook his head and Jonah gave him a look of gloomy resignation. “You might want to say that you do when she asks – she’s not gonna care about you being a guy, but the whole not kosher thing is gonna be a huge pain in the ass. Less hassle all round if she’s not trying to get you to convert every time you meet up.”
Kyle looked like he was rapidly reconsidering thinking his son gaining a whole new set of relatives was a good idea.
Jonah laughed again at his doubtful expression and his eyes landed on the back of Shea’s head, softening and shining with delight. “Relax, they’re going to love you – both of you.”
This, unfortunately, was more than could be said for Shea regarding Jonah. Despite all of Kyle’s best efforts and trying to engage his interest with the contents of the bags that Jonah had brought, the little boy could only be persuaded to sit on Kyle’s lap and sit staring at Jonah with his thumb in his mouth and a frown on his face. After an hour of Kyle’s increasingly desperate attempts to get Shea to smile at Jonah, Jonah trying to look patient and non-threatening and Shea screaming bloody murder every time Kyle tried to put him down everybody’s nerves were starting to fray.
“Look,” said Jonah, irritated and antsy after being the focus of Shea’s unblinking suspicious stare for what had felt like hours, “Maybe I should just go, come back another time. He’s not looking happy there and I don’t want to cause any trouble. We can try this again sometime.”
“No!” Kyle looked bewildered and frazzled from having Shea generally behaving like the anti-Christ at the worst possible time and reached out a pleading hand to Jonah. “Please don’t go. You said you watched the videos, right? You know he’s not normally like this.”
“So maybe it’s just me.” Trying desperately to look like he didn’t care, Jonah got to his feet and nearly tripped over Lady Ga-Ga who had developed an unhealthy attachment to the purple teddy he had brought and had sat staring at it fixedly since Jonah had set it down on the couch. “It’s cool. I’ll come back, I promise. He looks like he’s had enough for one day.”
Kyle looked at his devil baby – who returned his look with one of surpassing sweetness and a brilliant smile around his thumb – and said hurriedly, “Wait, please, I’ve got an idea. J
ust let me try this one last thing and then if it doesn’t work then you can go and we’ll try again later. Please, Jonah, just five more minutes.”
It was only Kyle’s pleading tone that stopped Jonah slinking out the door like a beaten dog. He nodded shortly and watched as Kyle hastened into the kitchen, Shea giving him a cool look over his shoulder, and then looked down at the dog at his feet. He scowled and snatched up the teddy, dropping it at the dog’s paws. “Go nuts.”
Ga-Ga looked at the teddy and then took it delicately in her jaws and dragged it under the piano, eyes not leaving his face like she expected the treat to be snatched away. Seconds later the sounds of the soft toy meeting a painful end drifted out.
Jonah looked up when Kyle came back into the room, a look of relief swiftly hidden like he’d expected Jonah to run the minute his back was turned, and a shiny bag clutched in the hand that wasn’t holding Shea to him. “Here.” Kyle thrust the bag at him and then sat back down on the couch, resettling Shea on his lap.
Lifting the bag, Jonah stared. “Cheese Puffs?” He looked back at Kyle, baffled. “Thanks, but I’m not really that hungry.”
“Trust me.” Kyle gave Shea a narrow look and then looked back at Jonah. “Just ignore him and open the bag. Oh,” He looked slightly guilty. “And don’t ever tell Louise about this – she’ll never let me live it down.”
Still looking completely baffled, Jonah ripped open the bag and pulled out a cheese puff, putting it in his mouth and chewing more in reflex than in genuine appetite. From under the piano all sounds of teddy homicide ceased and a black snout appeared, a small piece of white fluff perched jauntily on the end. Shea turned his head just far enough from where he had it buried in Kyle’s chest and one eye fixed on the bag in Jonah’s hand.