by Taylor Lewis
“Goldman, if you ever tell anyone what I am about to say to you, I will hunt you down like a dog and shoot you till I run out of bullets, clear?” Lopez waited for Jonah to give a wary nod of acknowledgement and then said, “You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. He’s never going to make the first move because you’ve got all the power here. You can walk away at any time and you don’t have to deal with the fallout. He’s left the door wide open for you to leave whenever you want – even trying to refuse to take money for the kid, for god’s sake – and he doesn’t know that you want more than weekend daddy status. He doesn’t know that you want to lock that door up behind you and lose the key and that this is for life.” She cocked her head at him when he jerked under her touch. “That’s what this is, isn’t it? This is you wanting him till you’re too old to get it up anymore.”
When Lopez finally put it into words for him, Jonah went boneless with mind numbing terror and relieved recognition in one hard punch of adrenaline – it was a very odd sensation. He licked his lips and croaked. “Yeah, that’s what this is. I want him for always.”
Lopez patted his arm, closed her eyes with a pained grimace and said, “Then you gotta man the fuck up and go talk about your emotions.” She opened her eyes at the muffled groan of protest from Jonah and said sympathetically, “I know, I feel your pain. You want to go shoot something?” She fished the car keys out of her cleavage. “Lee said this morning he could use some back up when he goes to bust that rape suspect this afternoon. No one’s gonna care too much if he takes a slug to the ass.”
Jonah snatched the keys and jammed them into the ignition. “Oh fuck yeah. You’re the best partner ever.”
Chapter 10.
The next time Jonah saw Kyle it was two days later and it was his birthday. As it had fallen mid-week that year and Kyle’s father hadn’t been able to take time from work to visit until the weekend, Megan and Louise had decided that they would throw a small barbecue in Kyle’s backyard. Having a low key gathering that also meant Shea could attend and a sitter wouldn’t have to be found.
Jonah arrived a few minutes after seven, wearing a thin t-shirt and simple jeans in deference to the still blazing sun and resisted the urge to groan when Megan was the one to open the door and glare at him. “Hey, DNA contributor. You’re late.”
“Yeah, you’re gonna have to stop calling me that before Shea gets old enough to repeat it. I got stuck at work. Shooting.” Jonah stepped over the threshold and handed her the wine he had in one hand whilst keeping hold of the small parcel he carried in the other.
Megan, who was a lot more unforgiving than Kyle when it came to him being scared almost witless and manhandled to within an inch of his life the night Jonah had discovered the truth about Shea, quirked an eyebrow and said grimly, “Uh-huh. Just be glad I don’t call you sperm donor anymore.”
Jonah winced. “Point.” He followed her out to the kitchen – keeping a sensible few steps behind her because he, Megan and access to sharp knives was never a good combination – and said, “Where’s Kyle?”
“Out back.” Megan nodded at the French doors leading out to Kyle’s walled garden and then offered grudgingly, “Drink?”
“You gonna spit in it? Drop in rat poison?” Jonah resisted the urge to grin when Megan tried not to smile and silently congratulated himself – he knew he’d wear her down eventually. “I’ll take a soda if you got one. Gotta drive home later.” He drifted to the open doors while she rummaged around for his drink and ice and grinned when he saw Shea crouched down at his sandpit earnestly listening to Tiffany, one of the models Kyle and Megan used for their occasional display nights at the boutique, explain how to make a sandcastle. His eyes skimmed over the rest of the small yard and he found Kyle standing in an apron by the barbeque set up at the far end, laughing as he flipped burgers with Louise.
“I don’t think I’m ever gonna get used to seeing that look on your face.” Megan grinned meanly when Jonah jumped as she snuck up next to him and handed him his drink. “Gotta admit, white boy, I didn’t think this whole thing would turn out the way it did when you came back on the scene, but the look in your eyes every time you see that baby is....” She trailed off when she followed the direction of Jonah’s look and then her eyes skipped around the yard to find Shea – who was nowhere near his daddy – before going back to stare at Kyle again. She clamped a hand on Jonah’s arm and yanked him further back into the kitchen before anyone outside realised he was there. “Are you kidding me? Boy, you have lost your damn mind? You are not going there again, you hear me? You do not get to do this to him again.”
Jonah cursed and tried to give her one of his best fearsome glowers rather than looking guilty as all hell. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” His face flooded with angry bewilderment. “And do what to him again? I haven’t done anything!”
Megan narrowed her eyes at him. “You do remember your son, right? About so tall? Answers to the name of Shea?”
Jonah opened his mouth, realised he didn’t really have a snappy comeback to that, and shut it again.
“You listen to me,” Megan stepped into his personal space, a sharp fingernail jabbing into his chest to punctuate every word. “You are here to be a daddy to that little baby and not to try and get back in Kyle’s pants again just because you feel like an easy lay. It might be casual and no big thing to you, but to him....”
Jonah abruptly lost his temper and knocked her hand aside, stepping up until they were nose to nose. Megan shut up and drew back in sudden alarm. “It’s not casual for me, okay? I fucking love him, so anytime you want to drag your mind up out of the gutter feel free. You don’t know anything about me or what I’m feeling so until you do you can stay the fuck out of my business, you hear me?”
Megan jaw dropped. “You what now?”
Shutting his mouth with a snap, Jonah realised he may have made a tactical error. Not only was he getting into it with Megan – the person Kyle loved most in the world after Shea and his father – he had also just confessed his feelings to a woman who had no love for him at all and would probably be only too delighted to run to Kyle and tell him everything. He stepped back and tossed Kyle’s present on the kitchen counter. “Forget it. Tell him I stopped by but I had to get back to work.” Panic clawing at his throat, he made for the front door. “I’m outta here.”
“Oh the hell you are!” Megan shot after him and plastered herself up against the front door like a human barricade when he tried to reach past her to open it and escape, demanding, “Say that again.”
“What, you haven’t had your pound of flesh yet?” Furious, Jonah wrapped a hand around her closest upper arm and tried to drag her out of his way – and promptly received a cuff to his ear that was worthy of Lopez at her most dangerous. “Ow, what the fuck, Megan?”
“You put your hands on me again and you’d better be ready to have them cut off!” Megan folded her arms smugly over her chest and refused to be let herself swayed by the expression of wounded bewilderment on Jonah’s face that bore an uncanny resemblance to Shea when she wouldn’t slip him an extra cookie, repeating dangerously, “Say. It. Again.”
Jonah rubbed at his stinging ear and scowled down at the floor, growling, “I love him. There. You happy now? Can I get out of here?”
Megan studied him carefully, taking in the dark light in his eyes and the clenching of his jaw – and also saw the downwards turn to his mouth and the way his face was tight with strain and misery. “No.” She gave him a challenging look when his eyes flew to hers in fury and said, “You mean it? You’re not just trying to get in his pants again?”
Jonah looked desolate for a moment and then looked away. “It going to make any difference if I do mean it? You’re not going to believe me no matter what I say.”
“You’d be surprised,” murmured Megan, shocking herself just as much as she shocked Jonah. She looked at him searchingly for another moment and then nodded, appearing to reach some kind of d
ecision. “Sometimes he gets an expression on his face when he looks at Shea and I can tell it isn’t that baby he’s seeing.”
Jonah stared at her blankly. “Huh?”
Looking scarily like his captain at her most annoyed and impatient, Megan huffed and said, “He looks at Shea and he sees you. From the top of that kid’s curly head to his cute little toes he’s a reminder every day to Kyle of something he thinks he can’t have.” Jonah continued to stare blankly and Megan unfolded her arms to raise a hand threateningly again. “Boy, do I have to hit you again? Are you really that dumb? He’s nuts about you. Totally head over heels. He’s been trying ever since you got the Shea business hammered out between you to keep his distance and keep you at arm’s length because he thinks you’re only here for the kid and it’s going to kill him when you start tom catting around again. Or, even worse, turn up some day with some curvy blonde or buff stud on your arm and expect him to act like seeing you settling down with someone else isn’t killing him inside.”
Horribly afraid his knees were going to betray him and give out from shock; Jonah shook his head like Megan had hit him again and tried to order his thoughts. “What? He’s....that’s....He said we were just friends.”
Megan gave him a pitying look. “Yeah, well telling him you were only chasing after him because you kept fucking him in your sleep wasn’t the best plan in the world, genius. He thinks that once you realised that you already had him you’d lost interest. Mystery solved, the magic had gone.” She shrugged. “Plus, Shea. He wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardise the baby getting two parents at last. He’d rather have you here and part of their lives in that way than not here at all.”
Jonah gaped at her. “Shea’s got nothing to do with this. This is between me and him. Even if he decided he never wanted to set eyes on me again I’d still be there for Shea.” He scrubbed both hands roughly over his scalp and muttered, “I don’t fucking believe this.” He stood with his hands still on his head and looked warily at Megan. “You’re not scewing with me? I can really have him?”
The last bit of doubt Megan held onto melted at the look of desperate hope in his eyes and she grinned widely at him. “Yeah, stud, you can have him.”
His heart pounding in his chest and his skin tingling with sudden anticipation and excitement, Jonah swallowed to lubricate his dry throat and thought furiously for a moment before saying, “I need a favour.”
It was Megan’s turn to look wary. “What?”
Jonah shot a look over his shoulder to make sure no one had come in from the yard to find out where Megan had disappeared to and turned back to her, saying urgently, “I need you to tell me everything you can remember about the night I first met Kyle.”
*~*~*~
Darkness was finally closing in by the time the party wound down. Kyle had spent a lovely evening with his favourite people in the world who, for once, weren’t shooting each other filthy looks and making snide comments. He was feeling pleasantly tired and full from the normally contraband junk food that he would now be working off for the next week with extra hours at the gym. He curled up on the iron bench near the west wall of his garden and sipped at the glass of flavoured water in his hand as he enjoyed a last few minutes of peace in the warm air before he headed to bed. He was humming quietly to himself as he stared up at the night sky when a noise from the direction of the house had him turning his head and then sitting upright in surprise. “Jonah? I thought you’d gone. Is something wrong?”
Jonah took a deep breath as he stepped down onto the lawn and began to walk silently over to Kyle – here went nothing. “Nope.” He put Shea’s baby monitor down and made sure it was switched on before he fished his cell phone out of his pocket. He cued up the song he wanted and then made sure he had it set on speaker and to repeat. Once he started this he didn’t want to stop for anything. “Megan’s car wouldn’t start so Louise said she’d give her a ride home. She said not to wait up, she might stay over.”
“Oh,” Kyle looked puzzled. “She should have called me, I could have taken a look at it. She knows I used to work in my dad’s auto shop through high school.”
Grinning, Jonah shook his head. “And get those pretty party clothes all dirty? More than her life was worth.” He moved closer to Kyle and offered casually, “I said I’d duck back in and let you know what was going on.”
“Oh,” Kyle said, still looking puzzled and his eyes flicking over to the phone lying on the garden table where Jonah had left it and that was now starting to play the opening chords of a song. “You didn’t have to, they could have just called me. Jonah?” He blinked in surprise when Jonah took his free hand and pulled him insistently to his feet. “What are you doing?”
Jonah gently removed the glass of water from Kyle’s hand to place it on the bench and then hooked a finger in Kyle’s waistband and pulled him inexorably into his body. He kept his eyes on Kyle’s wide eyed face when he wrapped an arm around his slim waist and pushed a thigh between his legs before starting to sway lightly from side to side. He hoped like hell Megan’s memory was as good as she thought it was otherwise he was looking to make a huge ass of himself. The dim lights from the garden lights set in the ground all around the edge of the boundaries made Kyle look even younger than he usually did and Jonah raised the hand not holding Kyle to him to brush a lock of hair away from his face with a rueful smile. “Tell me you didn’t look this young that first night I saw you? I might have to find a way to go back in time and arrest myself just on principle.” His arm tightened when Kyle went to pull away and he cupped the back of his head to tilt his face up as he said, “Hey, where are you going? I thought you liked to dance?”
“I do,” Kyle tried to lean back away from Jonah, cursing his treacherous body when he felt it react to the smell of warm skin and firm muscle so close. “I just don’t like this kind of dancing. You should be getting home. It’s late.”
“Nah, I got time yet.” Jonah slid the hand cupping Kyle’s head down his neck and along his shoulder and arm, tangling their fingers together before lifting their hands and curling Kyle’s arm around his neck. “Get back here.” He let go of Kyle’s hand and let his fingers drag slowly back along Kyle’s arm before trailing slowly down his back and up to his neck, never once stopping swaying in time to the music and delighting in the shiver Kyle tried to suppress. “That night we met – did I tell you how hot you were?” He tightened his grip again when Kyle tried to jerk free and dipped his head to murmur in his ear, “Or mention how good you feel up against me?”
Kyle swallowed and fought to keep a clear head. Jonah had no idea of how deeply he felt about him and the absolute worst thing he could do now was panic and give the game away. The best course of action was undoubtedly just to ride it out – he tried desperately to ignore the hard thigh pressed between his legs which gave that phrase a whole other meaning – and just laugh it off and send Jonah on his way when he made it clear he wasn’t going to fall into bed with him. Kyle’s breath caught when warm lips pressed against his ear and he squeezed his eyes shut tightly – stay strong, stay strong, stay strong.
“I really should have done that,” mused Jonah, nosing under Kyle’s jaw and tilting his head back to bare his throat to press a line of dry kisses there. “I should have told you that and I should asked you to come out of that club with me so I could take you home and we could have been in a proper bed.” He felt Kyle stiffen and continued quickly, “And I should have gotten your number, made sure I wasn’t going to lose you before I even realised I’d found you.” Kyle froze and Jonah took advantage of his momentary stillness, raising his head to confide in his ear, “See, I keep having these dreams, they just won’t seem to stop no matter what I do.” He pulled back to look in Kyle’s eyes and smiled hesitantly, “I keep seeing you in my head, kissing me and stuff – “ He took a deep breath when Kyle stared at him with hurt eyes and tried to yank out of his arms and finished roughly, “And I keep seeing you letting me hold you on the couch when we watch
TV and going to the supermarket to get the groceries and calling me names when I crawl into bed at three in the morning after being on a stakeout and I’m freezing cold but you wrap around me anyway.”
Kyle stood like a statue against him, his eyes impossibly wide in his face.
“I know we never did any of that stuff, but I really want to.” Jonah felt his heart thump hard and heavy against his ribs when Kyle stayed silent and felt his stomach clench with nausea – he wanted this so much he didn’t know what he was going to do if Kyle turned him down. “I really want to wake up with you in the mornings and have you yell at me when I come home bruised at night. I want you to meet all my friends and have them meet you. I want to bring you some of that fruit tea crap you like at the shop just because I’m passing and it’d be a great excuse to see you during the day.”
Blinking like he had just been hit over the head, Kyle said unsteadily, “I don’t understand. What about Shea? You didn’t say anything about Shea and I....”
Jonah gently put his hand over Kyle’s mouth and said firmly, “I love Shea but this doesn’t have anything to do with him. I’m going to be there for him no matter what because I’m his dad and that’s what dads do.” He dipped his head, kissing each of Kyle’s eyes closed and then brushed his mouth over his cheekbones and his nose. “This is between you and me. What we want to be to each other.” He laughed roughly and whispered, “I don’t want to be your daddy....” He took a deep breath and laid all his metaphorical cards on his metaphorical table. “And I really don’t want to be your friend.”