Unfortunately, another guest in the hotel called the cops on us because, apparently, we were making a lot of noise. Between his yelling and my crying, I’m not surprised. The cops came to our door, and I had to stifle my crying long enough to convince them that everything was ok and that I wasn’t in any danger.
I had no idea if I was still in danger with Tommy, but I couldn’t have him getting arrested, right? Ah, the mindset of a young woman. Or, at least mine. Hopefully, there are much smarter women than I was.
I remember some of my friends in San Diego telling me that I appeared “off” or “strange” when I visited them. When I pushed them to explain what that really meant, they said that the personality they had grown to love in me seemed stifled, or completely gone. They were worried about me, and it seems that they had a good reason to.
My relationship with Tommy was obviously toxic. Good riddance that it’s done and over with now, because I’m really not sad about it at all. The day we decided we were over was the day that I felt rejuvenated and independent again.
Our sex life had been terrible due to all of his verbal abuse. He would mock me and tear me down. I think that for the last year of our relationship, we didn’t have sex a single time. Not a good sign for a relationship, I think.
I can’t blame it all on Tommy. I came to him damaged. I had been raped right before I had moved to Indiana. Not just by one guy, but by three. I’m just a petite little thing, so being overwhelmed by three large guys isn’t such a hard feat. Bastards.
I had gone to a “party” a band was having that my friend Tara had asked me to drive her to. I was only newly 19 and was up for any kind of partying. I’m not (and wasn’t then, either) a big drinker, and I did call my step mom that night to tell her I would be drinking and probably would be staying the night at the party. I wasn’t a hugely irresponsible person, so she had no reason to not trust me.
There were four guys in the band, and we all drank, drank, and drank. After a few hours, my friend Tara decides it’s a great idea to head to the store with one of the band mates to grab some snacks. Seemed harmless at the time but hindsight is a motherfucker.
One of the guys was actually pretty attractive. I don’t even remember what he looks like anymore, to be honest. I just remember he seemed sweet and innocent, and I liked that. He told me he was a virgin. I wasn’t, so I thought it was adorable.
After we felt that our flirting had progressed fast enough, we were soon making out. All of it seems pretty harmless. If I remember correctly, he was a good kisser. That part was fun. The fun stopped there.
The creepy band member of the bunch, the one who was overbearing and seemed to think he was in charge, came up to us and attempted to insert himself into our kiss. Of course, I was unimpressed and told him I was uninterested. He continued to persist.
There are a lot of patchy memories after that. The highlights that I remember include Creepy Guy attempting to pull my pants down right there on the living room couch, with all three guys hanging out. I very clearly said no, several times, and struggled to get away. This guy, though, had other plans. This included forcing his tongue down my throat, amongst other things. Yuck.
The third band member (I’ll call him Hoodie, because I don’t remember his name and I managed to steal his hoodie when I was heading out the door, so it seems fitting) ended up coming in to attempt to steal a kiss from me, but I still was not interested. Turning my head away and verbally stating “No” more than once doesn’t seem to mean much to some people!
Creepy Guy somehow saw some sort of invitation amidst all of those no’s, and he yanked me forcefully out of Virgin’s hands, carrying me while I struggled, into the bedroom down the hall with the other band members following closely behind.
While I may not remember a huge amount of details about this night, I will always remember the dread and terror of knowing what was going to happen to me in that room, and how little 100 lb. me wasn’t going to be able to do a whole lot of anything to stop them.
I’ve read a few smutty books that have sexy ménages with band mates. Those made me think back when Virgin started kissing me that it would be something to consider. Let me assure you, though: I quickly realized that it wasn’t something I wanted and that this was not even remotely like the sexy smut I read. What with all of the rape, it was exceedingly unpleasant for me.
Most of my terrible memories include begging them to use condoms if they weren’t going to stop. While this may sound like an invitation to have sex with me, it was definitely not sexy while I cried my eyes out, struggled, and begging for them to at least not make me pregnant while they violated me.
Another winning memory was of being forced to constantly blow one of them while another vaginally raped me and another jerked off next to us. Since all of this is terribly disgusting and shitty, let me just say it’s something that I am grateful to be unable to completely remember every little detail of what happened.
I don’t have any idea how long all of this went on, but the second I realized that I wasn’t being held down as tightly as before, I booked it for the bathroom and locked the door. Collapsing on the floor, I sobbed my eyes out and waited for Tara to return.
The icing on the cake for me was that Tara didn’t really believe me when she returned. She immediately assumed that I voluntarily had sex with them, and was embarrassed or shy about it…that I was crying wolf. Instead of assisting me with getting out of this house full of rapists, she decided to pursue having sex with Virgin (who was no longer a virgin, having just raped me) while I was still in the room. Oh yes, I realize how fucked up this is.
After curling up into the fetal position in the corner of the dark bedroom, I tried to make it so no one would bother or notice me while I suffered alone. Tara was up there on the bed, trying to get nasty with Virgin Rapist. This part of my memory really makes me cringe.
I really have no idea how long I laid there, or how long any of this whole evening was. Having been drunk (for the first time ever), I had no way of keeping up. All I knew was that all of this really fucking sucked.
Creepy Guy decided, however, that he wasn’t finished with me. He thought he would come back for seconds, and persisted in harassing me while I was on the floor. I continually fought him off, until after many tries on his part, Tara and Virgin Rapist yelled at him to knock it off. They only told him to knock it off because they were sick of hearing me yell at him, not because they were actually concerned with my well-being. Tara is starting to sound like a real douche bag of a friend, huh? I thought so, too.
There are a lot more broken pieces of my memory after this. I remember convincing Tara to go home with me, even though I was still slightly tipsy. There was no way I could stay here in this house while those mother fuckers were carrying on like nothing had happened. The saddest part was that they would wake up in the morning, unlikely to remember raping a girl, and not caring in the least.
Even though choosing to drive in the middle of the night while tipsy was really not my proudest idea, we did manage to get home safely. I drove as carefully as I could. When we got home, I was as quiet as possible to not wake my parents.
Oh god, I couldn’t handle if they found out. My father would be devastated and my mother would feel so guilty. The only person who I didn’t need to worry about, apparently, was Tara. She just crashed on the floor in my room with a pile of blankets and pillows. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
Obviously, all of this has left a pretty big scar on my soul. Maybe you’re wondering why I decided to share in the misery and tell you about it. Well, in regards to Tommy, he would use it all against me. He would taunt my rape in my face when I was unable to give him sex as often as he liked.
“None of your friends believe you were really raped.” He would sneer at me. Did he honestly think that was the key to getting my sex drive pumping?
“I bet you have STDs. Are you giving me some nasty disease?” Yep, a real panty knocker-offer. How did I get so lucky? Hi
ndsight is a bitch because I didn’t see it for what it was when I was immersed in it. I feel like an idiot now, looking back. How could I not have seen all of this properly?
I’m a rather obstinate person, and tend to do the opposite of what people tell me to. I found this to be especially true with Tommy and his verbal garbage accompanied by the pressure to have sex. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I am definitely Mary Mary Quite Contrary. My friends warned me, noticing that I was a different person with him, quieter and stifled. I would say “Oh no, I’ve got this. Don’t you worry.” and carry on stubbornly with my miserable way.
When Tommy tried to pressure me to have sex with him, I couldn’t get excited. Sex had become a tricky balancing act, where I was struggling to go through with it. Even though I loved him, I had become exhausted from struggling to keep our relationship intact, and he hadn’t brought anything amazing to our sex life.
I’m surprised we made it as long as we did. I think being raped really made my mind prevent my body from enjoying sex under any sort of pressure, or without complete control on my part. Also, the crap that came out of his mouth about it didn’t make it any easier.
After four long, very difficult years with Tommy, I am not about ready to begin dealing with someone else’s bullshit and drama again. Ari and I, sure we feel something for each other, maybe even really strong emotions, but he either wants me or he doesn’t, right? Can there be an in-between? Can he love more than one person?
Honestly, at this very moment, I don’t give a shit if he does. He knows where I am and I’m not going to wait for him. I can’t continue to spend my time here in this country, waiting and wishing on him. If the world worked the way I wanted it to, then he would be mine, no question. The last I checked, though, the world did whatever the fuck it wanted to, and that leaves me shit out of luck.
Even though last night was pretty incredible, I realize we still haven’t kissed or technically even touched each other’s junk. Sure, it was really sexy, but his lips only touched my fingers. Oh, that was hot. Even so, it’s not enough! Hot is not enough. Knowing he wants me is not nearly enough to make me sit here and twiddle my thumbs while I wait for him to realize he wants only me.
So, what am I going to do now? Well, I assume this means that I need to stop mooning over Ari and start finding those other gorgeous fish in the sea. I can’t pretend that he and I can have a future, even though he is with Lára. Grow the fuck up. I can do this, right?
Sliding my legs over the side of the pull out bed, I put on my jeans from the night before. It doesn’t seem like Ari and Lára are awake, and that’s good. I just need to get away from the two of them, and stop drowning myself in this crazy tension.
Chapter 6
Today has been a little strange. There were some town festivities going on. I didn’t realize that this weekend is some kind of holiday. People are constantly walking past the front yard, and most of them are giving me very curious looks, or blatantly staring at me. I’m at least trying to be polite about it by making it look like I’m checking out the view, which is absolutely incredible, by the way.
Looking straight out in front of me and over the rooftops of the houses down the street is the fjord. Mountains surround it on the other side. It’s pretty epic, and if I squint my eyes and let them unfocus, the grooves in the mountains kind of remind me of huge stone soldiers waiting to be brought back to life for a legendary battle.
I recognize a few people from the party the night before and wave shyly in response to their waves. I think they’re all participating in a scavenger hunt. If I wasn’t so goddamned lazy right now, I might join in.
This town is so tiny that everyone knows everyone. I bet that makes keeping secrets really hard. Does everyone know who everyone else slept with? If Ari was to get caught with me, the news would spread like wildfire. I’m not sure what that would do to his reputation (if anything).
Crumbs fall down my shirt as I take a bite of my granola bar and contemplate what my next move will be. With everything mentally laid down in front of me, I realize that my great idea from the night before seems like the best choice.
If I were to take a step back from Ari and suppress the emotions I have for him to the deepest part inside of me, I might be able to loosen up and meet someone else who can take my mind off of him, Tommy, and life back home in general. I need a distraction and to finally have some goddamned fun on my vacation.
I nod my head in agreement with myself. Then I stuff the remaining piece of granola bar into my mouth without any grace, just to brush the crumbs off my chest and hands. I can so do this. Who knows; if Ari sees me with someone else, maybe he’ll realize that it’s me he wants. Maybe he’ll be jealous.
******
The rest of my afternoon passed fairly uneventfully. Lára wanted to smoke a cigarette when she woke up, so Ari and I joined her outside for that. I chased it with a swig of beer; Víking is what it’s called. It’s Icelandic and a golden lager.
I’ve always been a beer lover, more for the flavors than the drunken effects. I’ve been to many breweries and my uncle is a home brewer. I like to think that I know how to appreciate what I’m drinking. They’ve got some great beer in Iceland!
Ari and I aren’t really talking except to keep up appearances, and that’s fine with me. I’m slowly starting to not really care about it because the realist in me reminds myself that I have to pull away. I can’t lie though and say that just being near him still doesn’t send little jolts of electricity through me. On the rare occasions that our eyes meet, I still get a little dizzy and overwhelmed. You’ve got to sympathize with me. It’s only been like 6 hours since he was grinding his candy against my sweet spot. Know what I mean? I think I’m doing alright, all things considered!
“So, there is another party tonight, down the street at the only bar in town. It’s called Hópið, and Gunnar will be performing with his band. Everyone will be there tonight.” Ari explains this to both of us while eating a banana.
“All of the guys are excited to meet you, Brooke. You’re new, and they don’t have enough new women coming into town, so you’ll probably be smothered in attention.” Lára chuckles and jokes, “I remember when Sóley and I first came to town, we were bombarded with affection. They can smell the new DNA.”
I laugh with her. I can just picture it now—a horde of men chasing down two new, single females.
“I’m looking forward to it. Bring on the dudes!” I cheer with a fist pump in the air. This sounds like the perfect thing I need to get me over this Ari shit. My eyes sweep over to glance at him and meet with his for a second before he quickly looks away with a small frown across his brow. That’s right, Ari. Bring on the dudes.
Tonight, I’m going to put on my pretty face and rock what nature blessed my body with to have an awesome time.
I head back into the house and start to sort through the clothes in my suitcase to pick the sexiest outfit I have that will allow for me to have a good time without having to adjust my goods all night.
Tonight is going to be fun.
******
After some very careful preparations, I’ve decided that I’m ready for the evening. I’m wearing a pair of black leggings that fit me like a glove, and make my ass look edible. That’s a real thing right, edible asses? Regardless, I stand by my statement.
Doing a little turn in front of the mirror, I admire the view. I decided to go for more casual sexy than glamour sexy, since I’m in the middle of fucking nowhere and will have to walk everywhere.
I’ve donned a simple white body hugging tank top with a very low neckline that kisses the top of my bright green bra. It’s tight enough that my boobs look like apples. More food references. Yes, I look good enough to eat.
The shirt is thin enough to where you can mostly see through it, including all of my tattoos, and I’m perfectly fine with that. Since the audience for the evening will probably appreciate it too, it should have the desired effect. I’m young with
a rocking body, so I might as well use it to my full advantage. Don’t judge me!
My blue eyes have been lined with smoky dark brown liner and shadow that makes them pop. My lashes have been coated with mascara and my lips are topped with a red lipstick that coordinates well with my dark hair.
I finish my face with a little sweep of blush over my cheeks, and I think I’m done. I flat ironed my hair earlier, so it’s sleek and glossy. It falls to the middle of my back and is a deep chocolate brown with just a hint of auburn peeking through.
Flicking the strands back behind my shoulders, I head out of the bathroom with my bag of cosmetics and pad barefoot to the pull out couch to stuff it all into my suitcase. I’ll finish my outfit by adding a long sleeved button down sweater for warmth and my usual pair of Converse sneakers so my feet don’t hate me by the end of the night.
I pick up my navy blue over the shoulder satchel and begin to stuff a few beers into it. Lára warned me that the bar is kind of expensive and so a lot of people bring their own beer. I’m guessing as a whole, this country is a bit more lenient concerning their booze. The legal drinking age is 20 rather than 21 here.
Lára emerges from her room with a plastic grocery bag with her own beers tucked inside.
“Hey, do you mind if I put these beers in your satchel? We’re not technically allowed to take them into the bar, and it’ll be so busy that I’m sure no one will really notice. I’ll help you carry it.”
“There’s plenty of room in here, so go for it. Besides, I don’t think there will be very many for us to carry home after we’re done with them.” I nudge her with my elbow prior to grabbing the bag from her hand and transferring her beers into mine.
I’m beginning to feel a bit excited to flirt with some of the other guys that will be there tonight. Since I’m a rather outgoing type, flirting comes naturally and easily. I get along very well with guys. My sense of humor is pretty crass and I prefer to dress comfortably instead of in heels, short dresses, or skirts.
Across the Ocean Page 9