Sighing to myself, I realize that I won’t be able to enjoy my evening if I sit here like a little fucking baby, throwing a tantrum. Grow up, Brooke. Sitting up straighter in my seat, I turn to Sophie with a smile.
“So do you know the band that’s playing tonight?” She asks me, obviously excited.
******
Present time
Ari
Ah, fuck. I’ve made a huge mess of everything. I just couldn’t stop myself when she went to leave. I was desperate. Where there the heck did my control go?
I’m really fucking scared that she’s going to leave Iceland and that will be it. This is my one and only chance, and I’m between a rock and a hard place.
I’m pacing around behind Hópið, trying to pace off some steam before I head back inside. I kick the dumpster for good measure. A dull ache in my foot tells me that wasn’t the best choice, but I am feeling a little calmer.
Rubbing my hands all over my face, I stop and try to think straight. The palms of my hands still itch with yearning. I want Brooke so badly that my hands are shaking with it. She was right in front of me and I almost had her. God, she looked so beautiful and fierce. I just had to have a taste. She was so sweet, too. I feel like it was well worth the wait.
Lára deserves better from me, doesn’t she? I’ve been with her over a year now, and for me to just leave her for Brooke like this would be a slap in the face. I love Lára.
Don’t I?
I’ve always thought of myself as the guy who does what’s right, who has solid morals. I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend before, and I can honestly say that I haven’t even really been interested before now. I feel so guilty, and I still have to walk inside and pretend like nothing occurred. I didn’t ask for any of this to happen.
When my eyes met Brooke’s for the first time, everything changed. Pieces inside of me moved around and left me a different person. I’m not really sure who that person is right now and I’m really confused. Do I dare to risk losing everything I have here? She’s just going to leave anyway, right?
Hearing footsteps heading in my direction, I glance up and see Gunnar coming toward me. I give him a nod and stop pacing.
“Are you alright, man?” I can see concern in his eyes. He must have seen Brooke head back inside.
“If you were me, Gunnar, what would you do? I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.” I look out toward where the sun is partially dipping into the ocean. The mountains frame the fjord until they part to reveal the open ocean that seems to never end. The beauty and familiarity of the view calms me down a bit. It always reminds me that I’m just one person in a very big world.
“I’d do what’s necessary to be happy. If Brooke leaves, how will you feel after? Will you regret it for the rest of your life?” Gunnar takes a hand and sweeps it over his goatee, obviously in deep thought.
“Will you be on your deathbed thinking to yourself that if you could’ve changed one thing in your life, it would’ve been to never let Brooke go?” He chuckles at himself a little. “Obviously, that’s a bit dramatic, but I think you know what I mean.”
I do know what he means, but somewhere inside of me, I feel as though it’s more complicated than that. I’ve known Lára for almost as long as I have been chatting with Brooke, in person. Just because I have strong feelings for Brooke doesn’t mean that they’re automatically more important than the feelings I have for Lára, right? Could I just be feeling lust or infatuation for Brooke? Ugh, I don’t know. Maybe I am over complicating everything. I need another beer.
“You’ve got some really great points, things for my brain to munch on. I know I have to figure this shit out, and soon. Brooke won’t be here forever. She has her own life back in the States, and she’ll go back to it. It’s just that Emilia is one of my best friends. I love Lára, and those girls are best friends, too. I don’t want to ruin our friendships, only to have it not work out with Brooke. I’ll be left here with the backlash, and she’ll be long gone.”
Something Brooke said to me a long time ago comes to mind.
Nothing in life is certain. If we spend all our time asking ourselves “What if?” then we will waste so much time that should be spent living. I will always jump in with both feet and try my best.
I wonder if I have the guts to jump in like Brooke does.
******
Present time
Brooke
I’ve been chatting a bit with Sophie, and she seems to be a really charming girl. She’s hilarious, too. I could see myself becoming fast friends with her.
She leans back in her chair to scan the crowd. “Did you take part in the festivities in town this morning?”
“No, we just took it kind of easy. What about you?”
“I was feeling a bit crook this morning, not so much up to playing games with a bunch of cow spankers, if you know what I mean.” I don’t really know what she means; it’s hard enough hearing what she says over the music playing. Let alone to decipher what these terms mean with her accent. I notice that she’s constantly looking over in the direction where Gunnar and his band mates are performing.
“I woke up to an awesome orgasm this morning,” Lára suddenly says. My eyes whip back over to her, and see that she’s staring at me with an unreadable expression. I get the feeling that this is a personal jab in my direction, judging by the tiniest lift of her lips in a sneer.
My mind finally realizes what she’s just said. Ari gave Lára an orgasm this morning. Probably during the time I was sitting outside eating my granola bar. A very thick, very hot flow of anger, jealousy, and embarrassment fill me completely. I can even feel the tingle of my cheeks heating up.
My stomach does a flip, and I almost feel like I’m going to hurl. Swallowing a few times to get rid of the extra saliva that forms previous to puking, I slip a wobbly smile onto my face and struggle to keep my body from betraying my feelings.
My dark side starts to throw a fit. She’s throwing her arms around and pacing inside of me, practically spitting in anger. She can’t stand the thought of Ari touching this girl. She wants to reach forward, grab Lára by the hair, and slam her face down on the table. My fingers twitch, and stifling that feeling takes a greater effort than I would have imagined. Apparently my dark side is very jealous bitch.
I’ve never been a jealous person in the past, which has been nice, and now I’m thinking jealousy comes when there is something much more between two people. Well, at least there is much more from me.
How could Ari do this? How could he touch me like he did last night and just earlier outside the bar, yet do whatever he did with her this morning? My mind cruelly proceeds to imagine all the things he could have done to her to bring her to orgasm. Did he go down on her? Did he finger her? Did he fuck her? I can’t even bear the thought.
Lára hasn’t said anything for a moment. She’s just watching my reaction with a smug little grin on her face. She’s rubbing my face in this on purpose. Why would she do that? What a fucking bitch.
Sophie interrupts my inner turmoil by loudly congratulating Lára, patting her back for a job well done and wagging her eyebrows with enthusiasm.
“Well, blow me down! Lucky little Lára. While I was spewing this morning, she was getting one laid on her. I need to find a bloke to give me one of those.” She nudges Lára with her elbow and nods her head in the direction of the band playing. If I wasn’t feeling so terrible at this moment, I’d be laughing at how comical Sophie is.
“I’d bust a gut to get a night with the dark haired one over there to give it to me.” I follow her gaze to see that she’s talking about Gunnar. He’s rocking some kind of music synthesizer and playing some seriously sexy beats while the people gathered around dance sensually together. Nice.
My eyes spot Ari coming in our direction and I let a long breath. Right now, I don’t really want to see him. Thinking about the kiss now makes me feel really dirty. I feel kind of used and second hand…cheap, even. I can’t even bring myself t
o make steady eye contact with him.
Coming up behind Lára, Ari drags a chair so that he is sitting kind of behind her.
“Ahh, here’s the bloke who did the deed, Lára?” Sophie is obviously a bit drunk.
“Did what?” Ari asks her, a bit wary.
“You gave your old lady the big O for brekkie. Don’t worry, mate. She was singing your praise.” Ari’s eyes fly over to me when he eventually deciphers what she’s saying. I can see his throat work as he swallows. I think that might even be a bit of guilt and regret in his eyes. I just have no idea if he is feeling guilty for giving his girlfriend an orgasm (ok, that sounds ridiculous) or because I learned about it. Maybe’s he’s feeling bad that he kissed me earlier.
My dark side is hugely unsatisfied with all of this. She is ready to start punching someone. I’m worried that she’s had a bit too much to drink. Now might be a good time for me to head back to our place and go to sleep. I’m really tired of feeling bad about this situation all the time.
I think I need to start planning my trip back to the States soon. I’ll probably just go back to California, as I’m not sure how much longer I can handle all of this tension, uncertainty, and drama. I have a feeling things aren’t going to get any easier from here on out.
Surprisingly, these thoughts make my heart squeeze painfully. Can I just walk away from Ari? I’m not sure that if I did, that we could ever recover.
******
MSN Chat
Mid 2006
Brooke is in Indiana.
salemsme is away.
marxist: I miss you. I miss our talks. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately at the university that I haven’t been around as much. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you.
marxist: I also have something to tell you. I’ve been waiting to tell you, and I’m not sure why, but I think you need to hear it from me.
marxist: You know Emilia’s friend, Lára? Well, we’ve started seeing each other. For a few weeks now.
marxist: She’s a really nice girl. I just wanted to let you know.
marxist: I just… I just really miss you. Don’t forget.
******
Present time
Brooke
I’ve been lying in bed for about half an hour now, tossing and turning. I feel so restless. We left the bar around three in the morning, even though it was impossible for me to know what time it was then, with the sun hovering around as though it was six or seven in the evening. Eventually we all just left. Gunnar walked home with us, too.
I was really grateful he came with us, because I would have felt like absolute shit if I had been alone with Lára and Ari. I’m feeling a bit delicate right about now, and I’m unsure what I’m supposed to do.
I’m completely filled with the desire to rip Lára’s hair out and slap the shit out of Ari. I truly feel like this whole situation is bullshit. I can’t wait to get back to Reykjavík and not be surrounded by these two together. I can’t handle it anymore.
Turning back over onto my side, I close my eyes once again and try counting sheep. A sudden light banging on the wall next to me catches my attention. It’s repetitive in nature, and I roll my eyes dramatically. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Really, you two?
Above the banging is Lára’s voice. She’s starting to make sounds like a cat in heat. Honestly, it sounds like she’s making the noises on purpose, and I am not amused. Her moans are over dramatic and fake sounding. There is only one reason that she would be doing that, and it’s because she’s trying to make a statement to me.
“Oh, oh, oooh!” She’s wailing obnoxiously. If this were a movie, this would be the moment when you (the viewer) and I (the narrator) would make ‘eye contact’ and pass a look of understanding between us at how terrible she sounds.
“Ari, don’t stop! Fuck me just like that!” I fold the pillow over my ears to block out her caterwauling. I’m realizing now that Lára feels threatened by me, and she’s trying to intimidate me into backing off. She’s trying to prove that her relationship with Ari is set in cement. This probably means they are anything but cement. She must be feeling insecure, or jealous. Maybe she can sense that Ari has feelings for me and is trying to protect her territory.
I’m surprised though, to hear that the banging on the wall has stopped very shortly after Lára was finished yelling. I’m hoping that it’s because Ari wasn’t appreciative of her dramatics and not because she came.
I eventually drift off to a troubled sleep while my brain torments me with mental pictures of what was going on in the next room.
******
We’re currently driving back to Reyjkavík. We’ve been on the road a few hours so far. The morning was quiet and awkward for all three of us. We’re riding home with Gunnar and Helgi, and it’s uncomfortably quiet in the backseat where we are all sitting.
Gunnar and Helgi have tried to keep the flow of conversation going, but I just think we are exhausted from the weekend and uncomfortable from all the tension and drama between us. I’ve mostly kept to myself by staring off toward the scenic view outside of my window.
I’ve been pondering Lára’s behavior and what it does to me. It’s very obvious that she feels threatened, and her actions are making me feel the same way in return. This can’t possibly end well.
I’ve mentioned before that I am very contrary and tend to do the opposite of what I’m told. Considering how feisty my dark side is becoming these days, I have a feeling that this won’t bode well for Lára.
A big part of me wants to purposely try to take Ari away from her out of spite. When I consider how strongly I feel about him, my heart constricts in my chest like a vice. I can’t admit to myself that I love him yet, though. The insecurities I feel about opening myself up to another person at this point in my life makes it impossible.
Without having the security of knowing that he loves me and is willing to only be with me, I cannot admit the depth of my feelings. The reality of my departure from this country looms in the not so distant future, and I have to try remaining as realistic as I can. Unless he asks me to be with him officially, I cannot and will not stay here for long. It’s just too much.
We begin driving into a small town that I vaguely recognize from the drive to Tálknafjörður.
“I’m hungry,” Gunnar comments as he glances in the rear view mirror. “Can we stop for lunch here in Borgarnes?”
I nod at him and everyone else in the car murmurs their agreement. After a few more minutes of driving, we pull into a parking lot that looks like the perfect tourist place to grab a bite while driving through the town.
We all climb out of the car, stretching our legs from being cramped for the last few hours, and wander inside. The weather today is beautiful. We’ve been gifted with so much sun for most of my visit.
“I think you brought the sun with you, Brooke.” Gunnar calls to me; he’s farther ahead, holding the door to the restaurant open for all of us.
“California ladies tend to do that.” I smile at him as I head past him and inside. I walk up to the counter where orders are placed and start to check out the menu up on the wall. I really have to pee, so I head toward the bathroom.
******
I finish up my business and head to the sink to wash my hands. Lára comes into the bathroom and looks around until she finds me at the sinks. She comes closer, crosses her arms, and rests her hip against the counter.
Her eyes narrow at me and it appears that she’s contemplating what she’s going to say next. I grab a paper towel from the dispenser and begin to dry my hands slowly, all the while waiting for her to say whatever it is that’s on her mind.
“So,” she begins, sounding annoyed. “You’re not going to keep this up for much longer, are you?”
I blink. I wasn’t expecting her to be confrontational.
“And what is it that I’m not supposed to be doing?” I voice the question cautiously without backing down. My dark side is pushing to the front and popping
her knuckles in preparation for a brawl.
“You know very well what I’m talking about. You don’t fit in here. Nobody wants you here. Ari doesn’t want you, obviously. You can’t seem to take a hint. You really should just consider going back to where you came from. I’m not even sure why you’ve come here in the first place. What exactly did you think would happen when you arrived? Ari would just realize he was totally in love with you and leave me? Don’t you know that he could never love you? You’re just some stupid girl he met online. That’s not real, Brooke. You need to realize that and grow up. He will never want you like he wants me.” She is completely serious and has stepped closer to me, trying to intimidate me.
My blood is starting to pump adrenaline through all my limbs and I’m really indecisive on how I should handle this situation. The reasonable part of me says to just walk away, because in a sense, she’s right. I can’t just come and interrupt their lives. It kind of hurts when she says I don’t fit in. What if she’s right?
If Ari really did want me, he would be with me, right? Maybe what she’s saying is completely true. Have I been delusional in all of this? Am I the whole problem?
Nonetheless, my dark side scoffs at these thoughts and tosses her hair over her shoulder. She is certain that the only reason Lára is even doing this is because she’s insecure. Perhaps things aren’t as well as she lets on between her and Ari. I take a step closer to Lára and plaster a sweet smile to my face.
“If he loves you so much, you should have nothing to worry about.” I keep a light and unconcerned tone to my voice.
“He’s mine, Brooke. Back the fuck off.” I can’t believe she’s threatening me. My dark side is prancing around with glee.
“I always love a challenge,” I retort with a smirk as I raise an eyebrow and lift my hand to lightly pat her on the cheek. I move around her and walk out of the bathroom door, to order some food.
Across the Ocean Page 11