If You Love Me

by Anna Kristell

  Everything went as planned. The wedding was perfect. And the honeymoon… hot and steamy.

  When they settled into a routine afterward, things seemed fine. They worked during the day and made love at night. After a few months, though, Ashley could tell Ross was feeling antsy, and didn’t raise a fuss when he told her he was going out with the guys for a drink and some pool after work one night. After all, she’d gotten him to the altar without much of a fuss; she couldn’t keep him tied to her all the time. Believing if she gave him breathing room, he’d be a better husband, she made plans of her own. She took in a movie with her friend, Amy.

  When he’d come home that night, he’d rolled over and gone to sleep with nothing more than a goodnight kiss for the first time…ever.

  Things were going along splendidly as far as Ashley could tell. Their first holiday season as a married couple had been spectacular. On New Year’s Eve, at a local dance, Ashley felt as if every female in the room wanted to trade places with her. He took her home in the wee hours of the morning and carried her to bed as she was just a little tipsy from the champagne.

  Ross undressed her gently and tucked her in. He brought aspirin and water from the bathroom and made her take two of them. “So you don’t get sick, babe.”

  She obeyed and lay back on the pillows. Within minutes, she was passed out. When she woke up a few hours later, Ross was not in bed with her. She got up to find him. He was on the computer. When he heard her walk in, he quickly turned it off and turned to her. “Feeling better, sweet thing?”

  “Yes, come to bed. We need to ring in the New Year right.”

  “Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse.” He got up and followed her back to the bedroom.

  When he crawled in bed beside her, she quickly rolled on top of him and kissed him. Scraping her tongue across his teeth, he allowed access by opening his mouth. He devoured her with a steamy kiss as he began caressing her back. As she sat up and straddled him, his eyes widened. “You’re really ready to go, aren’t you, babe?”

  “Oh, yeah, hot stuff,” she replied as she positioned herself for the ride. She put her hands on his chest and began masterfully caressing him. He was inside her, but she hadn’t begun to move. She teased him by caressing him and leaning down to kiss him again. He reciprocated by tweaking her already hard nipples before rubbing her bottom. Playfully smacking her, she grinned devilishly and began the ride, slowly at first. Building momentum, she was in total control as he allowed her to freely abandon herself to him. And when the climax came, it was a combination of New Year’s Eve and Fourth of July fireworks for both of them, the grand finale of sensation.

  Ashley was in heaven that year, enjoying the sweetness of being a newlywed. Ross’s nights out with the guys were more frequent. Often, she found him on his phone, or on the computer, but Ashley blindly ignored the facts staring her boldly in the face.

  Occasionally on the weekends, she found herself wishing they’d just stay in, but he was always ready to party. They were almost always at a club or a party with friends. Still, Ashley didn’t give a thought to the fact that Ross barely spent time alone with her these days.

  Until one day she was getting his clothes ready for the laundry. As she cleaned out the pockets of his jeans, she felt a piece of paper in one of them. Taking it out, she was going to pitch it in the trash but thought she’d better see if it was important first.

  As she read the words written on the paper she shook her head to clear her thoughts. Surely I’m reading this wrong.

  But deep in her heart of hearts she knew it was no mistake. Ross had been having an affair with someone named Sheila since before they were married. Apparently it was still going on. So why had he married her? Why not break things off and go to this Sheila person? Or was he so devious he wanted both of them, and the only way to get that was to keep Ashley happy by marrying her, while carrying on with Sheila on the side. True, he had the sexual appetite to keep two women happy, but what was the real story?

  When she confronted him that night, it all became crystal clear. Sheila was married. Marrying Ashley had been no big deal to him. It was a way to have both his women while Sheila had both her men. It all made sense, the nights out with the guys, when he’d come home and turned his back to her, the nights of passion only when he was in the mood. She’d let him lead the way, never dreaming he was playing her for a fool all along. He never wanted to be home like a normal, young, married couple. He always wanted to be in a crowd of friends. The picture-perfect marriage she’d always wanted turned out to be nothing but a scam. If only I’d found a guy who loved me and only me. A husband who had eyes for only me and enjoyed an evening at home with his wife, relaxing, playing, loving, she thought to herself.

  And when Ashley awoke and looked around, she was startled. It took a minute, but she finally realized it had all been a dream. Her beloved Adam was asleep in bed beside her, the way it should be. She leaned over and kissed him as he slept.

  “I love you, baby,” she whispered.

  She lay awake remembering the dream, piecing it all together. Convinced the dream had been the result of the latest argument with Adam, she knew it had been the universe’s way of telling her she was right where she needed to be with the man she was intended to be with.

  Adam, sweet, loving Adam, the husband who prefers staying home with me on the weekends to partying around town, she thought. So what if he forgets to take out the trash or leaves his socks on the bedroom floor. In the grand scheme of things, he’s all I’ve ever wanted. From now on, I’m not going to worry about the little annoyances. He’s mine. I love him and he loves me. He’s faithful and devoted. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and was too stupid to see it.

  She snuggled closer to him and drifted back to sleep, content and happy for the first time in months.

  Chapter Three

  Adam raked his hand through his hair for the second time that night. He’d just had another awful fight with his little brunette spitfire of a wife, Ashley. He’d said some things in anger he wished he could take back, but the damage had been done. As he rubbed his cheek, still stinging from her slap, he sighed. I’ve done it now. I’ve pretty much given her carte blanche to go after that asshole, Ross. I’ve lost her. If she finds him, she’ll move heaven and earth to get him back in her life. I’ve always known she still carries a torch for the guy. Adam had hoped he could light a torch of his own, to extinguish the one Ross left behind, but that night, he resigned himself to the fact it wasn’t to be.

  What is it they say? If you love someone, let them go. If it’s real, they’ll come back to you. I’ll let her go and hope she’ll come back to me, but I won’t hold my breath.

  Sadly, he waited until he was sure she was asleep before going to bed. He had intended to have one last night with her before going through with his plan to give her some space. But when he’d gone to bed, she was tossing about in the bed, apparently dreaming. And when she’d said Ross’s name, he knew who she was dreaming about. It wasn’t her husband. It was the one who got away, the one he’d told her to go find.

  He’d rolled over and feigned sleep since real sleep was out of the question. And when she’d thrown her arms around him later and said the words “I love you, baby,” he nearly lost it completely knowing she thought she was talking to Ross, not him.

  He lay there until the wee morning hours, when he crept quietly out of bed, so as not to wake her. He packed a bag and wrote a note, leaving it on the bathroom counter where she’d be sure to see it when she got up. As he started to leave, he stopped, walked back to the bed and leaning down, gently kissed her on the forehead. He smoothed the hair on her brow and whispered in her ear, “I love you more than you know, baby.”

  He drove to the apartment he and his younger brother had shared, letting himself in with the key he’d kept when he married Ashley. He collapsed on the couch, waiting for his brother to get up so he could ask him if he could crash there until further notice. He hated the fact that Dil
lon would undoubtedly say “I told you so,” but right now he just needed a roof over his head. A place he could lay his head and lick his wounds.

  ****

  Ashley sat up and looked around. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand beside the bed, she saw it was nine o’clock. When she had finally fallen asleep and it had been a good, refreshing sleep. It was Saturday and she was ready to start the first day of the rest of her life, showing her husband how much she loved their life together. He was already up, apparently, so she padded into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth before going to find him. When she located him, she intended to give him a kiss filled with passion and promise and to lure him back into bed with her.

  She saw the note on the counter and smiled. He must have gone out this morning and left me a note to let me know where he is. He’s so thoughtful, why haven’t I realized it before now?

  But when she opened the note and read the words scrawled on the paper, her smile quickly turned to tears. She read the words three times, before their meaning finally soaked in. “No!” She spoke aloud as sat down on the edge of the bathtub with her head in her hands. “What have I done?”

  Baby,

  After last night I think we both know we can’t go on like this. It’s tearing us both apart, little by little. We need a break from each other and from all the tension. You need to figure out what or who you want once and for all. I love you but I can’t hold you back if you don’t really want to be with me. So do whatever you need to do. I won’t stand in your way. If you find your way back to me, my prayers will be answered. But if you decide you need to move on, I’ll give you your freedom without a fight. We’ve done enough fighting to last a lifetime. I’ll be at Dillon’s but don’t try to call or come by. Take this time to think about everything and I’ll do the same. We’ll talk about where we go from here when the time is right.

  Until then, be safe, my love.

  Adam

  Her first instinct was to call him and tell him to get his ass back home where he belonged. But she stopped herself before she finished dialing his number. She went to the kitchen and made a pot of strong, black coffee. Sitting on the couch with a mug of the steaming brew, she thought about her next move.

  Finally, she called her friend, Amy, and asked her to come over. She told her she needed a friend and that’s all it took for Amy to drop what she was doing and head her way.

  When Amy showed up at the front door, Ashley met her with a tear-stained face.

  “Thanks for coming.”

  “What’s happened, Ash? I haven’t seen you this upset since jerk-boy ran out on you. Oh, no, don’t tell me…you and Adam are fighting again?”

  Ashley nodded sadly. “I’m afraid we’ve had the fight to end all fights this time. A real knock-down, drag-out, so bad that he packed his bags and went to crash at Dillon’s place.”

  “Not Adam? I can’t believe he’d do that. Adam is crazy in love with you, why would he walk out like that?”

  “He has this crazy notion I’m still pining away for Ross. He told me to go after the ‘one who got away.’ He said he wouldn’t stand in my way any longer. I have to admit, there’ve been times I’ve wondered what might have been if Ross had reacted differently to my ultimatum that night, but I honestly love Adam. I guess I haven’t shown him that recently. Now it may be too late.”

  “Give him some time to get over the fight, but you won’t try to find Ross, will you?”

  “Oh, God no, Amy, I can’t even believe you asked me that. Actually, I had a dream last night that pretty well showed me what my life would have been like if I’d married Ross. I have to say, it was a real wake-up call for me. Everything I’ve been griping about with Adam, all the little things, were exactly what was missing with Ross. And they’re the things I’ve realized I want…with Adam. I want the life we have, not some idealistic dream life with Ross. If I’d married Ross, I have the feeling it would have been a less than perfect union to say the least.”

  “And you would have told Adam that this morning, if he’d been here when you woke up,” Amy said, finishing Ashley’s thoughts.

  “Yes, exactly I thought about calling him and telling him to come home so we could talk, but it’s too soon. I’ve hurt him terribly and I’ve got to give him some time.”

  “Don’t wait too long. He may think you really do want your freedom,” Amy advised.

  “I know, but I’ve got to tread on eggshells right now,” Ashley replied sadly. “That’s my own fault but I can’t do anything to upset Adam even more. I’ve got to be very careful until I can convince him to listen to what I have to say.”

  “Well, girlfriend, I’m here anytime you need to vent. I’m sure Dillon is getting an earful from Adam right about now, too.”

  “I’m sure he is, and probably telling Adam he was right about me all along.”

  “He still doesn’t like you?”

  “It isn’t that he doesn’t like me. He thinks Adam and I rushed into marriage. He was expecting us to fail.”

  “I always liked Dillon.”

  “I know, Adam and I thought about setting you guys up, but it just never happened.”

  “Hmm…maybe I can use my friendship with Dillon to your advantage, as well as my own.”

  “What are you hatching in that brain of yours?”

  “Dillon and I flirt with each other, that’s no secret. Maybe I can accidentally, on purpose, run into him, say at the gym. I can steer the conversation to the two of you and see what he has to say on the matter.”

  “He might not say much but I guess it’s worth a try.”

  “I’m going to ask you one more time and I want you to be honest with me. Are you sure…you love Adam, not Ross?”

  “I love Adam with all my heart. I know now Ross was not the man I was supposed to spend my life with. Adam is…and I have to make him see that, somehow.”

  “There’s something you need to know, and it might make things more difficult.”

  “How could they get any more difficult, Amy?” Ashley asked, as she poured a fresh cup of coffee for both of them.

  “Thanks,” Amy said as she accepted the mug. “Ash, you should know, Ross is back in town. I ran into him yesterday at the mall.”

  “What? After all this time he’s come back? And why now of all times?” she asked.

  “I know. It sucks for you because if Adam finds out, he may think Ross is back for you. It’s really bad timing.”

  “I’ll say. I need to have that talk with Adam real soon.”

  “Let’s just hope Adam doesn’t run into Ross before that. There may be some fireworks and not the good kind,” Amy replied.

  “My life just got ten times more complicated. Two hours ago I wouldn’t have thought that was possible.” Ashley sighed. “I think I feel a migraine coming on.”

  “I think you need to try and get some sleep, honey. I figure you didn’t get much last night. Maybe later, after you’ve had some rest, things will look better. You’ll be able to think more clearly. I’m going to make myself scarce. Call me if you need anything.”

  “Thanks, Amy. And thanks for giving me the heads up on Ross. I would have hated to have run into him unexpectedly.”

  “That wouldn’t have been good,” Amy agreed.

  After her friend had gone, Ashley curled up on the sofa with a pillow and blanket and napped for most of the afternoon.

  Chapter Four

  The next week Ashley went to work, returning home each evening to an empty house. She waited until bedtime each night for a call from Adam that never came. When Amy called on Friday afternoon urging her to get out of the house, she reluctantly agreed.

  “I thought we could check out that new club downtown. I hear there’s a band playing tonight that’s supposed to be pretty good,” Amy said.

  “I’m not really in the mood for a crowd, but I can’t sit here alone one more night waiting for Adam to call. I’ll go, but I won’t guarantee I’ll have fun,” Ashley replied.
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br />   When Amy picked her up, Ashley ran out the door and got into her friend’s white Chevy Malibu. “I don’t know why I let you talk me into this,” she said while buckling her seatbelt.

  “Because you need to get out of that house for a few hours,” Amy replied. “I don’t know why you don’t just call Adam.”

  “I can’t. He said we needed space and I’m giving it to him.”

  “But he thinks you want the space to go chasing after Ross,” Amy reminded her gently.

  “He said in his note we’d talk when the time was right so I’m waiting for the right time.”

  “You’re as stubborn as he is. It’s no wonder the two of you butt heads over the silliest things.”

  When they walked into the club they found a table near the stage. After ordering drinks, the two friends settled in to wait for the band to begin playing. As Amy looked around the room, she gasped.

  “What’s wrong with you, Amy?” Ashley asked.

  “Don’t look now but Ross is on the other side of the room and I think he just spotted us,” Amy replied with a grimace.

  “Oh, crap, that’s all I need,” Ashley replied, rubbing her palms on her jeans as she looked down. “Maybe he didn’t see us.”

  “Too late, he’s heading our way.”

  The waitress brought their drinks and Ashley took a sip of her beer she told Amy to talk to her.

  “Just act normal.”

  “How in the world can anything be normal about this?” Ashley asked as she took another drink.

  “Ashley, Amy, how are the two of you? I can’t believe my luck, running into you here tonight,” the deep, masculine voice said.

  “Hello, Ross. What brings you back to Indy after all this time?” Amy asked in an attempt to spare Ashley from having to speak.

  “I thought it was about time I came back for a visit. Ashley, it’s good to see you, babe.”

  “Hello, Ross,” Ashley replied in a low voice.

  “Mind if I sit?” he asked.

  “Suit yourself,” Ashley replied. She allowed her gaze to wander over his magnificent features. Still muscled and tanned with hair bleached by the sun, she had to wonder where he’d been spending his time and with whom.