Shattered Dreams

by Rebecca Barber

  When I woke up, I somehow felt even worse. Stripping off, I climbed into a hot bubble bath, trying to force myself to feel at least a little human again. Lying there in the scalding water with my face covered in the thick goo of my vanilla and honey face mask, I focused on the book on my Kindle. It was official. I was an idiot. Why was I reading romance when my own life had spiralled out of control? Why was I torturing myself like that? Oh, that’s right. Because I was a moron.

  A sharp knock at the door disrupted my peace and quiet. “Maggie?”

  Rolling my eyes, I forced myself to be polite. “Yeah, Mum?”

  “Someone’s here to see you.”

  “Who?”

  “Why don’t you put some clothes on and come out and see?”

  “Who is it?”

  “Just get your butt out of the bath tub.”

  Frustration bubbled back in. All the good that my nap and bath had done was gone. Pulling the plug, I felt like my peace swirled down the drain along with the water. Pulling on a pair of yoga pants and an old hoodie, I didn’t bother with a bra or panties as I headed out to the lounge room where Mum and my guest were waiting. Not in the mood to actually see anyone, I dragged my feet.

  The moment I stepped into the room, I was regretting not wearing a bra. My nipples pebbled and rubbed against the thick fabric. Even though they couldn’t be seen, I folded my arms over my chest protectively.

  “Maggie.” Drew was standing in the corner of the room looking completely out of place and uncomfortable. It was more than a little strange. He’d known my mum for a long time and she’d loved him for most of that. To see him almost cowering near the door was startling.

  “What are you doing here, Drew?”

  “Maggie!” Mum scolded. “Don’t be rude. Drew, can I get you something to drink?”

  “I’m right. Thanks, June.”

  “You sure?”

  “Mum! Can you give us a minute?” When she raised her eyebrow, questioning me, I nodded and she disappeared down the hallway, leaving me standing there with Drew, our wedding photo on the mantel behind him.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you here, Drew?”

  “You didn’t answer your phone.”

  “When?”

  “I’ve been calling and texting for the past couple of hours.”

  “I was asleep.”

  “Oh.”

  I could’ve let him off and just accepted his apology, but I was so sick of making it easy for everyone else while I got hurt or let down. I wasn’t about to let Drew be the exception to that. I couldn’t. I had to stay strong. Stay steadfast.

  “You didn’t show up. Or answer my calls or texts either.”

  Sighing heavily, Drew ran his hand through his hair before digging them in his pocket. “Shit, Maggie. Is that what you really think?”

  Seriously! I wanted to slap him. Was he really this dumb? “Are you freaking kidding me, Drew? I sat there, like a loser by myself waiting for you. I kept calling and texting like a bloody stalker. And you didn’t even bother to let me know you weren’t going to show.”

  “I left my phone at home!”

  “You still weren’t there! If you’d have shown up…”

  “I got stuck in traffic and then couldn’t find a park. Maggie…” Drew moved towards me and wrapped his fingers around my wrist. “I would never, ever, ever stand you up.”

  Looking up into Drew’s face, I knew he meant what he was saying. I just wasn’t convinced I could trust him. Part of me wanted to, I really did, I just wasn’t ready to take that leap again. “You did.”

  “Let me make it up to you. Let me take you out for dinner. Have you eaten?”

  “I’m not in the mood…”

  “She’d love to.” Mum popped her head around the corner and answered for me. I knew she’d been listening to every word and I knew she’d have a million and one questions the moment she got me alone, questions I wasn’t ready to answer. Obviously, she knew I took off to Africa, but she had no idea why.

  “Mum!”

  “Why don’t you go get changed into something… something less homeless.”

  “I don’t look homeless!” I protested probably a little too hard because I knew, without a doubt, I did in fact look like I’d just crawled out of a cardboard box.

  “You look beautiful,” Drew added as he swiped his thumb across my jaw. When it came away covered in thick white goo, I retched.

  Reaching up, I touched my face and wanted to find a hole to crawl into. I still had the thick, gooey face mask on. And Drew had seen it. “Shit!” Covering my face with my hands, I heard Drew chuckle and Mum snicker. I hated them both.

  “I’ll be back.” Not looking up, I backed out of the room right into the wall smacking my elbow on the door frame as I hurriedly made my escape.

  Locking myself in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and saw the patchy mask splotched over my cheeks. I washed it off as quick as I could, double and triple checking I’d gotten all traces before disappearing back into my room and upending my backpack on the bed. Having brought only a handful of clothes, I found the jeans I’d tossed in the corner and gave them a once over, looking for stains or something spilt before wriggling into them. After quickly pulling on a bra and green top, I stuffed my feet in my runners and went back out. I didn’t want to leave Mum and Drew alone for too long. There were too many secrets circling at the moment, secrets that I wasn’t ready to be revealed to let them get too cosy.

  “You work too hard, Drew.”

  “Yeah. I used to.”

  “Used to?”

  Freezing where I was, I stayed out of sight, fascinated to see where this conversation was going. Eavesdropping wasn’t something I usually did and normally I’d be disgusted at myself for even considering it, but I needed to know what was going on in Drew’s head.

  “I’m cutting back.”

  “Did you get fired?”

  “Some days I wish. No, nothing like that. I’m just getting my priorities in order and trying to find that elusive work/life balance.”

  “By priorities I hope you mean my daughter?”

  Mum! I clamped my hand over my mouth to keep from chastising her. Even though it was something I was desperate to know the answer to, I couldn’t imagine ever having the balls to ask. Let alone the strength to stand in front of him and wait for an answer.

  “Yes, June. Maggie is my number one priority.”

  “As she should be.”

  “Yes, she should be. She should’ve always been. I just forgot that for a while.”

  “You’re a good guy, Drew. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

  “If Maggie lets me make it up to her.”

  “Maggie’s a good girl. Just don’t give up on her. She’s had a harder time than you probably realise. But you know what the good thing about that is?”

  Now I was completely entranced by the direction this had taken. It seemed like Mum was laying everything out there for me. Building the foundation for me to try and find a way through this. Whether that was back to being one half of a marriage to a man who loved me, or me finding the strength to hold my head high and walk away, I wasn’t sure.

  “What’s that?”

  Yeah, Mum, what was it?

  “Maggie’s been through hell. But she’s survived. She’s been broken and battered and bruised, but she’s still standing. And it takes someone pretty incredible to endure what Maggie has and come out with the dignity and grace that fills my daughter.”

  “You sound like one very proud mum.”

  “I am.”

  Pushing off the wall, I stepped into view, stopping their conversation. “This do?” I asked, stretching my hands out and spinning.

  “You’re perfect.”

  “You’re biased.”

  “Maybe, but I still want to take you out.”

  Reaching over, I placed a kiss on Mum’s cheek, before whispering in her ear, “Thank you.”

  When she wrapped her arm
s around me and tugged me close, I wanted to cry. There was no safer place in the world than being wrapped up in one of Mum’s hugs. I never wanted to leave. Holding her tight, I almost lost it. “You and I need to talk.” It wasn’t a question. And it definitely wasn’t something I could say no to.

  “Okay.”

  Untangling myself, I wiped the tear from the corner of my eye. “Let’s get out of here.”

  DREW

  I hadn’t thought this through. It was beginning to be a habit. A really bad one. I knew I needed to step it up. I’d just effectively told Maggie’s mother that I wouldn’t let her down again. It was a promise I was determined to keep.

  With Maggie’s warm hand in mine, I felt like I could walk on water. Puffing my chest out, I led her to my car and opened her door. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever opened her door before. Tucking that failure away in my mind, I slipped behind the wheel and started driving.

  “Where are we going?” Maggie asked as she leant down and turned the volume down on the stereo. Her action made me smile. It was something she did every time she got in my car. It was one area of our lives that Maggie and I had disagreed about for years. Her taste and mine couldn’t be further apart when it came to moves and music, but somehow, we still had fun with it.

  “What do you feel like?”

  “You have no idea where we’re going, do you?” Maggie teased. “Typical.” Her head tipped back and she laughed so hard she snorted. It was infectious. Soon enough I was laughing right along with her until my belly ached.

  “You’re a cruel woman, you know that?”

  “Shut up and feed me.”

  “Fine.”

  Seated in our favourite hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant, complete with waving lucky cat, plastic table cloths and tasteless fortune cookies that we couldn’t leave without I started to panic. My nerves had kicked in and kicked hard.

  It was like a pressure, squashing down on me, threatening to suffocate me if I made one wrong move. It was terrifying. At one time, I’d known Maggie better than I knew myself, but these days, the woman sitting opposite me quietly sipping on her lemonade was a complete mystery. Somewhere along the path, the one which had twisted and turned and led us to this moment she’d grown and changed, and I’d missed it. Gone was the quiet, shy introvert only to be replaced by a woman who was filled with grace and stood her ground and demanded the best for herself. Maggie had become the woman I knew she could. One of my biggest regrets, was the fact that I’d missed it. And a do-over wasn’t an option. Seeing her now, with her wings spread wide, being everything she could be was intoxicating and downright sexy.

  While I’d been caught up in my head, annoyed at everything I’d missed, the waitress had appeared to take our order.

  “I assumed you wanted the usual?” Maggie smiled over the rim of her glass and I heaved a sigh of relief. It was the first smile I remembered seeing for a long time that reached her eyes. And knowing I was responsible for putting it there, even if she was only laughing at me, I’d take it. Beggars can’t be choosers.

  “Thanks.”

  The plates piled high of steaming rice and vegetables made my stomach rumble. While we both stuffed ourselves like we hadn’t eaten for a week, we stuck to safe, non-controversial topics. When Maggie told me about her trip to Africa, I could barely restrain my jealousy. It sounded like she’d had the time of her life. Talking about the people and the food and the animals, Maggie’s shell was long forgotten. I wished I’d been standing right beside her on her adventure. Being there would’ve been something I’d never forget, but more importantly, seeing it through Maggie’s eyes would’ve been pure heaven. Until now, Africa had held no interest to me. There were a million other places and a million other things that I wanted to do first. Now though, with her raw, unrestrained enthusiasm, Africa had just shot up to the top of my bucket list.

  Dinner was over too soon. Time was running out. My time with Maggie was running out. I wasn’t ready to say good night.

  Pulling up outside her mother’s house, I switched off the ignition and sat there like a chump. Flashbacks of dating as an awkward, nerdy teenager flittered through my head. That moment of indecision at the end of the night when you went to drop your date off, her parents, especially her father, peering through the blinds waiting to see if you pawed his daughter. Sneaking a glimpse up at the window, just up the path, I couldn’t help but smile. I may be older. I may have lived a whole other life since those days, but some things never changed. June was watching through the curtains, her face a mix of curiosity and concern. I guess her daughter would always be her daughter. It didn’t matter how old she got, in June’s eyes, Maggie would always be her little girl.

  “When do you go back to work?” Maggie asked as she played with the zipper on her handbag. Seeing her as nervous and awkward as I was, weirdly made me feel better. Maybe I wasn’t out on this limb alone.

  “Monday. You?”

  “Monday.”

  It was only Thursday. We had three full, uninterrupted days. I didn’t want to waste them. Now I’d decided what I wanted from my life and, more importantly, who I wanted in it; I couldn’t wait to start living it.

  “Can I see you tomorrow?” I asked pathetically. It almost sounded like a plea. I should’ve been embarrassed. I wasn’t.

  “Drew…”

  “Don’t say no, Maggie.”

  “I have to get some stuff done.”

  “What sort of stuff?”

  “Stuff. I need to talk to Mum. Find somewhere to live. Go to the bank. Get a haircut. Life stuff.”

  “Let me help.”

  “You can’t.”

  “I can. Firstly, you don’t need to find somewhere to live.”

  “Drew… we’ve been through this. We can’t live together.”

  “I know. So, you take the house and I’ll find somewhere. I don’t want you living in some shitty, smelly, dirty apartment in a dodgy part of town.” That was my worst nightmare. That Maggie would end up somewhere unsafe. I knew if she ended up somewhere like that, if I allowed her to end up somewhere like that, I knew I’d never get any sleep.

  “No. I’m not staying there. You should.”

  Reaching across the console, I took Maggie’s hand. When I’d invited her out for dinner I hadn’t wanted to fight. In fact, that was the last thing I wanted. My plan had been pretty simple. All I wanted to do was spend some time with her.

  The moment my fingers touched her skin, she fell silent. First time ever I’d been able to shut her up with a simple touch. When she sucked in a nervous breath, I watched as her chest rose and fell. Maggie had always had a great rack and she’d lost absolutely nothing at all in that department.

  “Let’s table this argument for another day,” I suggested.

  “What argument? We’re not arguing.” She was a minx. Seeing this confidence radiating from her was turning me on in a big way.

  I couldn’t not kiss her.

  There was this desperate need to hold her close. Cherish her. Savour her. Whether it was the fogged up windows making me feel like a teenager, or it was the way her perfect, pink tongue snuck out and wet her lips making them shine under the street light or perhaps it was the transformation of the strong, confident and sexy-as-fuck woman sitting beside me, I had no idea. I didn’t really give a shit either.

  With a tug, Maggie was across the console and in my lap, her arms wrapped around my neck. With uncertainty in her eyes, I did the only thing I could think about given all the blood in my body was headed south.

  She was hesitant at first. Tentative almost. Thankfully it didn’t take long before a small moan escaped and I took the opportunity to plunder. With our tongues duelling, our hands were frenetic, and Maggie was grinding down on the fast-growing bulge beneath her bony arse.

  “Maggie…” I panted, nipping on the soft, delicious skin below her ear.

  Taking my face between her palms, Maggie took control of the kiss, pouring everything into it. With one hand tang
led in her hair, I pushed up against her arse, the zipper of my jeans digging into me painfully. When I found myself palming her breast, I knew I had to call this to a halt, no matter how painful or how many cold showers I needed.

  Pulling back was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but somehow, I managed it. “Maggie…” My voice was husky and laboured.

  When Maggie looked at me, I don’t think there was a moment where she’d ever looked more beautiful. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair a mess, her lips swollen from my kisses and her eyes dark and filled with desire.

  “Sweetheart… we need to stop.”

  The moment I said it, she pulled back and tried to wriggle out of reach. I felt like an asshole. Again. Lifting her chin, I forced her to look at me. She needed to believe me when I said this. There was no way I was leaving room for my words to be anything other than crystal clear.

  “The only reason I’m stopping this, is because we’re in my car. In the street. And your mother is peeking through the blinds.”

  “Oh.”

  “I want this Maggie. I want you. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  “O-okay.” She didn’t look convinced, and I wasn’t having that.

  Lifting my hips, I made sure Maggie felt every single inch of what she was doing to me. How much she was affecting me. Threading my hand through her mussed-up hair, I kissed her passionately while trying to keep things PG. “I’m not stopping because I want to,” I reinforced, releasing her. “So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to pretend to be a gentleman and walk you to the door. Then I’m going to kiss you good night and go home. After a long, cold shower I’m going to go fall into bed with a smile on my face because I got to spend time with the most beautiful woman in the world.”