For the next three hours, we sat in the emergency room, waiting for the doctors to tell us what was wrong and what was needed. Chassidy did have the flu and she was given some medicine for her fever as well. After getting a shot, she cried herself to sleep. We left the hospital, and by the time we went back to get my car and made it home, Chassidy was still knocked out. I felt so bad for my baby. I wanted to trade places with her and I hated when she got sick. I helped her change into her nightgown, and stayed in the room with her until she fell back to sleep. The medicine had her so drowsy that it wasn’t long before she was out.
It had been a long day, and I was pretty sleepy myself. When I went into my bedroom, I thought Roc would be there, but he wasn’t. I went to the family room and that’s where I saw him lying on the couch, watching a basketball game.
“How’s she doin’? Is she asleep?” he asked.
“I think her fever has gone down, but I’m not going to take her temperature again until the morning. She’s knocked out right now. I can only imagine how terrible she must feel.”
“She’ll be okay. Don’t stress yourself, a’ight?”
“I’m not. I need to type up a quick letter for Mr. Anderson and e-mail it to him. After that, I think I’m going to shut it down myself. Are you staying the night or going home?”
“I’m staying. Want to make sure Chassidy will be okay in the mornin’. Tomorrow, though, I have to jet out of town to take care of some business for a couple of days. I’ll be back late Sunday night.”
I shrugged, and instead of inquiring about his “business” trip, I sat at my desk in the family room and scooted my chair up to the computer. As I started to type, Roc called my name. I turned around in my swivel chair.
“Yes.”
“Can we talk about some things? I want to clear the air. Been sensin’ a li’l friction between us since Christmas and I don’t like where things are headed. You know what I’m sayin’?”
I really wanted to get Mr. Anderson’s letter typed, but I was sure that if I told Roc the letter was more important, he would accuse me of not caring. Instead of typing, I got up and joined him on the couch. He sat up and rubbed his hands together.
“I’m not gon’ keep pointin’ the finger at you and tellin’ you why I think this relationship keeps takin’ turns for the worse, but I need to hit you with some facts. First and foremost, I never hid my relationship with Tiara or her pregnancy from you. You seem to think that I want to have my cake and eat it, too, but the fact is you gave me the cake, so why shouldn’t I eat it? Two, I do not know if the child Tiara is carryin’ is mine. I have suspected some shit with her for a long time, but I don’t like to come over here talkin’ about my madness with other women. I felt that we were gettin’ along fine, and tellin’ you about what I had suspected would have brought about questions that I won’t have an answer to until she has this baby. Three, Vanessa and I are over. Done. It’s been a wrap with us for some time now, and I hope you ain’t around here speculatin’ about somethin’ goin’ on between us because it ain’t.” He paused, then continued, “I apologize for what happened on Christmas, but that shit was beyond my control. I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of yo’ friends and family, but the damage has already been done. You think I’m a cold nigga who enjoys the madness with women, but what you witnessed from me that day is a man who don’t give a fuck about women who dog me out, call me a nigga, and treat me like I’m a punk. You may think I get a kick out of that shit, but fact is, I don’t. That’s why I feel differently about you. That mouth of yours can get real slick at times, but I appreciate that you don’t always cross the line.”
Roc said a mouthful. I wasn’t going to dispute any of his facts, because all I wanted to do was finish Mr. Anderson’s letter. I kept my response short. “Thanks for sharing and your apology is accepted.”
I got up and returned to my desk. As I typed Mr. Anderson’s letter, Roc got up and went downstairs. I heard the stereo blasting music, but I tuned it out. After I finished Mr. Anderson’s letter, I e-mailed it to him and told him to have a good evening. I then went downstairs to ask Roc to turn the stereo down a bit, but when I got there, I saw him lying on Latrel’s bed with his arm resting on his forehead. He was staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought. His shirt was off and the sheets covered his bottom half. I walked over to the stereo, turning it down.
“Are you sleeping down here tonight?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to. Besides, you actin’ all funny and shit, so I’ma stay out of your way.”
“I’m not acting funny. I’m just tired of the same old stuff, Roc. Tired of the same excuses, tired of dealing with your women, or should I say your Bad Girls Fan Club, and some of your facts didn’t sit well with me.”
“Nothin’ I say sits well with you, Dez, and day by day you’re pushin’ me away. I get that a lot of this shit is on me right now, but I’m tryin’ to show you that I care, ma. The last thing I want is for you to walk away from this with harsh and hurt feelings.”
“The last thing I want to do is push you away, and I’m sure if I continue to express myself, that’ll give you a chance to run like you always do. So, for the sake of not hurting our daughter, I’ll keep my mouth shut. I’m not mad anymore, just concerned. Get some rest and good night.”
I went back upstairs to my room, leaving Roc with his thoughts of how I was the one who had been badly screwing things up. He just didn’t get it. I didn’t know what else to say to make him understand.
I tossed and turned all night long, and hadn’t slept well since my incident with Darrell. Every little noise caused me to jump in my sleep, and since it was thundering outside, that really made it difficult for me to rest. I did, however, feel safe because I knew Roc was still downstairs in the basement. I got out of bed several times throughout the night to check on Chassidy. It felt like her fever had gone down, and the medicine she’d taken still had her knocked out. I was glad she was resting well, because I knew if she’d heard the thunder roaring, she would be right in bed with me. I quietly closed her bedroom door and tiptoed back down the dark hallway to my room. I jumped a bit when I heard the crackling sound of thunder, and instead of going to my room, I made my way toward the kitchen to get something to drink. As I neared the kitchen, my nostrils filled with the smell of burnt leaves. When I looked in the family room, I saw Roc lying back on the couch in the dark, smoking a joint. The windows were open, bringing in the whistling wind and a cool breeze from the rain that was beating down hard on the pavement. The weed smell was potent. Roc knew better than to be firing it up in my house.
“Would you mind putting that out?” I asked as I moved closer to him.
He sat up, but took a long drag from the joint before smashing the tip of it with his finger. Afterward, he laid the bud in an ashtray. “There,” he said, swiping his hands together. “Are you satisfied?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
I turned to walk away, but Roc reached out for my hand to keep me in front of him. “Why you so cold, baby?” he asked. “You are colder than a muthafucker, wit’ yo’ fine, sexy-ass self.”
“And you’re high as hell, wit’ your words that only make me blush a little.”
“That’s ’cause you’re stone cold like I said.” Roc reached out to my waist to put me on his lap. “I am a li’l high, but that’s because I couldn’t get no sleep.”
“Why is that? Are you worried about something?”
“Nah, not really. I . . . I never told you this before, but I’m afraid of thunder and lightnin’. I couldn’t sleep, and bein’ in the basement made me feel like this damn house was gon’ crash down on me.”
I reached up my hand and rubbed Roc’s flowing waves. “Now, you know I don’t believe that, right? I don’t think you’re afraid of anything, Roc, not you.”
“Everybody has fears, trust me. When I was a little boy, and it would thunder outside, I used to go hide in the closet and
cry myself to sleep. That shit lasted for a long time, and to this day, I still take issue with bad weather.”
“I hate it too, but are you going to go into one of my closets and hide? If so, I’ll go with you.”
He laughed and squeezed his arm around my waist. We could still hear it clowning outside. “Nah, I don’t want to go in no closet. I want to stay right here with you, so you can hold me.”
“I can do more than just hold you,” I said. I stood up and pulled my nightgown over my head. I then reached for one of the pillows on the couch, dropping it on the floor. I kneeled and eased my body between Roc’s legs. As he leaned back, I removed his package from the slit on his boxers. To me, there was nothing on any other man’s body more pleasing to look at than Roc’s long and thick, shiny black dick that I was about to swallow. I opened my mouth wide, covering his shaft and taking it all in, until it shaved the back of my throat. My jaws tightened and my tongue went into action. Roc’s stomach started to vibrate and his hand roamed in my hair.
“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby. Do that shit, Dez, you got skills!”
At Roc’s request, I continued. Actually, we continued for quite some time, and had made our way over to the opened window that was still bringing in the breeze. Roc held my legs wide like a V, as he maneuvered back and forth with deep strokes. The feel of his meat pushing in my folds made me creamier with each thrust. My legs were getting weak, especially when I reached down to tickle my own clit.
Roc smiled. “Oooo, you nasty. But thanks for helpin’ me overcome my fear. The weather outside can’t fuck with this.”
I released my hand from my clit, trying to calm my explosion. “I agree the weather can’t and won’t interrupt this. And since I’ve helped you overcome your fear, pleeease help me overcome mine.”
Roc halted his smooth strokes. “Wha . . . what are you afraid of?”
“Losing you. I don’t want to lose you. Ever.”
Roc turned his hips, again, and then tightened his muscular ass as we released the results of our ongoing sexual efforts together. He leaned over me and whispered in my ear, “You won’t lose me, unless you choose to. I’m down with this, and whether you’re down depends on you.”
I nodded, and after a lengthy kiss, we headed to the shower to wash up.
Roc stayed until midmorning, and after he saw that Chassidy was feeling much better, he left. Since he mentioned that he’d be going out of town, I expected not to hear from him for a few days. Actually, several days had passed and it wasn’t until the following Sunday that he picked up the phone to call.
“How has Chassidy been doin’?” he asked. I could hear noise in the background; kind of sounded like someone speaking over an intercom.
“She’s doing fine. She’s much better. I’m getting ready to take one of her friends home. She spent the night.”
“Did they have a good time?”
“Of course they did. They kept me up all night playing games and watching movies. I’m definitely not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow, but gotta make my money.” I heard the intercom again and asked Roc where he was at.
“I’m at the hospital. Tiara had a miscarriage earlier today. She’d been havin’ some issues for quite some time and the baby didn’t make it.”
“I’m sure she’s probably upset right now, and by the sound of your voice, I can tell you may be disappointed too. I appreciate you calling us. It’s always good hearing from you.”
Roc paused for a moment; then he spoke up. “I told you what was up with this baby, but either way, I feel guilty about all the shit that went down. A nigga do have a heart, you know? Tiara was under a lot of stress, and some of it was from dealin’ with me. At the end of the day, she good people and I hate when shit like this happens to the ones who don’t deserve it.”
“I feel you, but don’t be so hard on yourself. Do you really believe that the child was yours?”
“Deep down, I don’t. But that don’t even matter right now. I just want her to get well.” Roc sighed, then spoke up again. “I’m talkin’ too much about things that you don’t care nothin’ about, so I’ma let you go. Tell Chassidy I’ll see her over the weekend. Maybe I’ll take her and Lil Roc to the movies.”
“I’m sure she’ll enjoy that. We’ll see you next week, and whether you realize it or not, I do care.”
Roc didn’t reply. He just hung up. I couldn’t believe that he’d had me pegged so wrong. I did care, and the person he was trying to make me out to be, I wasn’t. I didn’t think much of it and chalked it up as him being upset about the baby. If he was blaming himself, I was sure Tiara had him eating from the palm of her hand. For now anyway.
When next week rolled around, Roc came by to pick up Chassidy so she could go to the movies with him and Lil Roc. A 3-D kiddy movie was showing at St. Louis Mills and the kids were anxious to see it. As I put on Chassidy’s hat and gloves, then zipped her coat, Lil Roc tapped my shoulder.
“After the movie is over, can Chassidy come over to my dad’s house with me and spend the night? She’s never been over there and I want to show her all the stuff I have to play with.”
I wasn’t sure if Roc had put Lil Roc up to asking me that question or not, but either way, my answer would be the same. “I don’t think so, sweetheart. Chassidy needs to come home after the movies. Maybe some other time.”
While standing in the foyer with us, Roc cleared his throat. “Why you askin’ Dez if Chassidy can spend the night? You should’ve asked me, ’cause I would’ve given you the answer you wanted to hear.”
I crossed my arms, rubbing up and down them. Wasn’t quite sure what Roc meant, so I asked him. “He asked me because I’m Chassidy’s mother. We’ve never been invited to your house, and I think it’s fair to say that if I’m not welcome, neither is she. Please bring her home once the movie is over. I don’t want any trouble, Roc, and all I’m doing is asking, not telling.”
Roc’s eyes narrowed and he told the kids to go out to his truck. Before they did, both of them gave me big hugs and kissed my cheeks. “Have a good time,” I said to them. “I’ll see the two of you later.”
The kids ran outside, but played in the snow that was less than three inches high. Roc looked at me, shaking his head. “I was gon’ say somethin’ to you, but you know what? Fuck it. Forget it, Dez . . . Sleep tight.”
He walked out and I yelled after him. “What is that supposed to mean? If you don’t bring her back tonight, you will never be allowed to leave with her again. I can promise you that, so have fun too.”
Roc kept it moving. He opened the doors to his truck so the kids could get in. They were strapped in tight and Roc turned to look away as he drove off.
I went back inside, and on a Saturday night I found myself slumped down in my leather recliner with a soft throw covering my body. A good book was in my hands and I was very much into it. So into it, that by the time I looked up, it was almost nine o’clock. Roc and the kids had left a little after three, and I figured the movie was over by now. I reached for my cordless phone and dialed out to call Roc. His voice mail came on.
“Where are you?” I asked. “Hope you all had a good time, but please call to let me know where you are. I’m getting a little worried.”
I got back to my book, but this time I kept watching the clock. It ticked away, and not only was I worrying, but I had started to get mad. I hoped that Roc wouldn’t go against what I’d said earlier. Yes, he was Chassidy’s father, but from what I had witnessed with Roc, some of his family, and with his ghettofied women, Chassidy didn’t need to be anywhere near that mess. Too much drama ensued, and I was sure Tiara was still living with him. If she didn’t like me, I was sure she wouldn’t like having my child around. Then, Roc was always talking to his friends on the phone and not paying attention to the kids. He got off into heavy, vulgar conversations that caused him to lose focus. Chassidy and Lil Roc were capable of getting into a lot of things if no one was paying attention. Taking them to
the movies was one thing, but Roc’s supervision wasn’t quite up to par with me yet.
Another hour had passed. I placed the book on my lap and sighed. When I dialed his number again, as expected, he didn’t answer.
“Roc, I’m trying to be as nice and patient about this as I can. And if something has happened, please just call to tell me. It’s after ten o’clock now and I’m feeling sick to my stomach. I need to hear from you, soon.”
I ended the call and almost twenty minutes later, he called back. “What up?” he asked.
“Where is Chassidy?”
“She’s with me.”
“I know she’s with you, but I asked you to bring her home once the movie was over.”
“And I told you that we were goin’ to the movies. Afterward, we went to dinner and we’re now at my house playin’ video games. The kids are gettin’ a bit restless, so I’ma lay them down for bed in a minute.”
My mouth dropped open and I clenched my teeth together. “Once they’re done playing video games, would you please bring Chassidy home?”
“I’m gon’ make this simple for you. No. Hell, no. See you tomorrow and sleep tight like I said earlier.”
I was in disbelief when Roc hung up on me. The steam from my ears was as thick as steam shooting from a locomotive. I quickly called him back, but this time, his phone went straight to voice mail. I sure as hell hated to go there with him, but I couldn’t help myself. I hurried to put on my jeans, a thick sweater, and Ugg boots to tackle the snow. My hair was pulled back into a ponytail that was in no way sleek. I snatched my keys from my dresser and jetted to Roc’s house off New Halls Ferry Road.
When I arrived, like the last time, there were two trucks in the driveway. I didn’t give a damn who was there. I marched straight to the door and knocked. Within a few minutes, someone opened the door and it was Roc. The look of madness was in his eyes and he shook his head from side to side.
“I . . . I can’t believe you’re here,” he said. “Then again, yes, I can.”
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