I considered having a claim to responsible adulthood again. In a few days, I’d officially be working. In a few days, I would no longer be wiling away the hours curled up on couches or in beds with the man I love. I would be working; I would be making a living and a good one at that, doing what I’m so very good at. I would be traveling all over the country within a few months, seeing cities I loved, staying at my usual hotels, seeing old friends. I thought about actually using my frequent flier miles to pay for Stellan and I to travel somewhere warm and spend the hours curled up in beds or on couches in tiki huts or bungalows with margaritas. I smiled at the thought and vowed to do just that in several months - when I could afford to take time off of work.
It was snowing when I went downstairs. I bundled up and headed over to Stell’s. Downtown was quiet, all the shops closed up tight. I was the only person in sight when I crossed the snow covered square.
Linda was folding laundry at the dining room table, flashing me a smile as I came in. I said a quick hello before heading downstairs. Stellan was at his wall of screens, talking away on a headset. I thought for a moment that he’d tricked me and was busy playing Battlefield, then I heard that language – the inexplicable drone of programming.
I mentally shut right the hell down.
He squeezed my legs as I bent down to kiss his neck. He whispered that he’d be done soon. Though I loved his company, I wasn’t sure how long he’d be, and Linda was alone upstairs.
I enjoyed chatting with Linda immensely. She was like a second mother, at times, and given the strict sex schedule Stellan and I had, I’d missed a few weeks’ worth of her interrogation that I loved so much.
She smiled and greeted me as I came in and sat down. She finished folding one load and set it aside before starting on another. I offered to help, but she naturally refused.
“So how was your New Year’s? Stellan said it was quiet.”
I nodded. “I slept through it, actually.”
“Yes, he said you weren’t feeling well.”
I spotted a t-shirt I knew well – Hoverboards don’t work on water. She was folding Stellan’s laundry.
“How was yours?” I asked.
“Wonderful. Lenn and I actually went out for once. Did one of those parties down at the Sheraton. Apparently they do them every year. You rent a room and party all night. Lots of drinking and dancing – wonderful food.”
“Wow, that sounds amazing.”
“Lennart had a blast. Loved it. I literally had to drag him by his toenails to get him there, but once I got a drink in his hand, he loved every second of it.”
I laughed. I could imagine the tone I would get from Stellan if I ever asked him to go to such an event. I could also see the big smile on his face after actually getting him there. God, he’s a pain in the ass, but he’s my pain in the ass.
Linda leaned across the table to touch my hand. “So I hear you start your new job soon?”
I answered faster than I’d intended. “Yeah. Next Monday.”
“Isn’t that a blessing? I know you were looking for a long time.”
“I certainly was.”
She shook out another t-shirt, a picture of the Dude with the word; Abide. “You must be excited.”
I said “Mhmm” as quickly as the breath would leave my lips. “It’ll be nice to get out of my mother’s house.”
“Yes, of course. I’ve tried to convince Stellan of how much happier he would be in his own space.”
I chuckled. “I don’t know about that. He has it pretty good over here if you ask me.”
She smiled, but the look was strange. I gestured to the laundry and she laughed. “Well, it’s the least I can do.”
It was my turn to look quizzically. “No Linda, you really do spoil him. I just hope I can keep up with it if we ever move in together. I have trouble even taking care of myself, sometimes.”
She smiled and shook her head. “As far as I’m concerned, he could ask for the moon, and I would find a way to give it to him.”
She folded with a far off look for a moment and glanced at my face. “I’d like to see him in his own place with you. I think that would make him truly happy.”
I smiled and rested my face in my hand. “I’d like that, too. Might get a little lonely while I’m traveling, but I’d love to come home to him.”
She leaned in. “Well, maybe we can both go to work on our stubborn men and make that happen.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Do you mean Lennart?”
She nodded. “He is wonderful, but Lennart is a very proud man.”
I watched her, my brow furrowing. “What do you mean?”
She spoke in a hushed tone, as though the walls might tell Lennart when he got home. “Well, he doesn’t like to accept help – now does he? Stellan’s rent is the only thing keeping us afloat much of the time, and it almost took a fist fight between the two of them for Lento accept even that.”
“His son lives in his basement, and Lennart wouldn’t accept rent? Really?”
Linda stopped folding the Knights Who Say Ni shirt in her hands and searched my face. Something seemed to dawn in her expression, and she frowned in the gentlest way. “Faye, Stellan owns this house.”
If someone had shoved a cherry bomb down the back of my pants, I don’t think I could have been more surprised.
Linda could tell, it seemed. She pushed the basket aside and sat across from me. She then proceeded to tell me a story.
After Lennart’s heart attack, Stellan came home to tend to the house and work back at the Dojo until Lennart was well enough. Stellan went back to school after a few years, and all seemed well. Then Lennart started having anxiety attacks, episodes that at times felt like little heart attacks, always striking when Lennart was in the office or on his way.
Lennart did tell anyone. He simply stopped going to work.
He kept it so well hidden that she only discovered what was happening when someone delivered a certified letter to the house, announcing the foreclosure process had started.
“Lennart begged me not to tell Stellan, wanted me to tell him some story about how we were choosing to leave, that we didn’t need the space, but my baby is a smart boy. He could tell we were lying.”
I swallowed. “That’s why he left MIT, again? Because you were losing the house?”
She nodded. “The next day, Stellan made me take him to the bank, and he paid the mortgage. In one swoop, just paid the whole thing.”
I stared at her. “Where did he get the money?”
Linda shrugged. “I don’t know. I know he makes a bit of money from those little telephone things he does, but I didn’t know he made that much.”
iPhone apps? Stellan paid for a house in Concord fucking Massachusetts with iPhone apps? Are you fucking kidding me? “But he pays rent.”
She smiled. “It’s the only way he can get Lennart to accept money. I can’t believe you didn’t know all this. God, he is just like his father.”
I planted my head in my hands and stared at the table.
“Don’t tell him I told you then, please. I trust your discretion.”
She stood and went back to folding the last couple pieces of Stellan’s laundry. I sat there, fighting with something I couldn’t describe. My stomach was churning, my heart was racing, and my throat had tightened beyond the ability to speak. I forced a smile and shook my head in disbelief, but I didn’t say a word.
I was relieved when she finished folding and accepted my offer to take the basket downstairs. Yet, when I reached the basement door, I suddenly didn’t want to go down anymore.
Stellan was silent at his wall of screens and for a moment, I thought he might be done. A sudden burst of laughter and a few expletives, and I knew otherwise. He smiled at me, gesturing to the basket with an appreciative grin. I walked behind him and set the basket on his bed. He reached behind his chair to grab my leg, but missed me. I pretended not to see.
I slumped down on the couch, listening, but making neither heads nor tales of his conversation. I was sure it was Evan on the other end.
I stared at the wall, growing impatient,/ kicking at the edge of the carpet as a means to self soothe.
“Hey, I’m gonna cut out here in a sec. You cool?” Stellan said.
Stellan’s exchange lasted another minute or so before he pulled the headset off and tossed it onto the desk. He leaned back in his swivel chair and turned from side to side with his hands behind his head. He blew a long breath out and tussled his own hair before hopping up and heading toward me. He bent over the couch to wrap his arms around me and kiss my jaw. I let him.
Then I betrayed Linda completely. “Why didn’t you tell me you own your parents’ house?”
Stellan stood to full height and yelled through the floor to his mother. His tone was relaxed, but scolding. I heard her in the distance, cooing back.
He grabbed my shoulders and started rubbing me. I pulled away, standing to face him. When I met his gaze, it was clear he hadn’t realized my upset.
“Baby, what’s up?”
“You own your house. You’ve always been living in your parents’ basement, but now I find out it’s your parents living in your upstairs?”
“No, no. This is their house.”
“How could you not tell me something like that?”
He was taken aback, watching me a moment. “Faye, Älskling, why are you so upset?”
I shifted away from him when he rounded the couch toward me. I felt small, miniscule. If he got close enough to touch me, he could pull me in whether I wanted him to or not.
“Because I feel lied to.”
He startled, his brow furrowing. “What? Don’t you think that’s being a little dramatic?”
I grabbed my coat and went for the door. He shifted quickly to get in my way. “Why are you so upset, F-bomb. Please calm down and talk to me.”
“What is there to say?”
“What? Oh no, don’t you act all cavalier like that.”
“I’m not being cavalier. I’m trying to consider the mountain of shit you might also not be telling me.”
He reached for me, and I backed away.
“Faye -”
“How much money do you make from those apps you do?”
He raised an eyebrow. “I do alright.”
“Is that code for I have more money than God?”
“No!”
“How the fuck could you afford to buy your parents’ house then?”
He stood silent a moment, his eyes wide. I moved to pass him, and he blocked me again. “I sold my fucking soul to Evan. There, do you feel in the loop now?”
I stared at him.
He groaned. “Evan loaned me the money. I’ve been doing work for him to pay it back, ever since.”
“Bull shit! Evan would have easily just given it to you.”
“I wasn’t looking for a fucking hand out, thank you very much.”
I rolled my eyes, half growling. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “He’s your best friend!”
“Exactly, and I’m better than that.”
“Better than asking for help?”
It was his turn to roll his eyes. “Oh Jesus. No, I asked for help. It was a loan. I agreed to work it off on his stupid fucking projects.”
“For three years?”
He shrugged. “He may be a genius, but he can’t program for shit.”
I growled. “He would have just given it to you!”
“I didn’t want a fucking hand out!”
We stared at each other.
I took a deep breath. “You’re not serious.”
He chuckled sadly. “Wish I wasn’t. Fucker, practically owns me - for another three months, anyway.”
I stared at him. Evan always proclaimed Stellan to be the smarter half of the genius brigade, but I’d always thought he was just being kind.
I watched Stellan’s face fall, wanted to touch him and shower him with my warmth, but this fire in my belly was growing. He bailed out Lennart, was a self-inflicted indentured servant to Evan –
“Anything else I should know?”
He came toward me. “God damn it, Faye! I love you. Please stop.”
“Don’t! Just answer the question.”
He blew air out through pursed lips. “What do you want me to say?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He jerked back at the question like I’d flicked a lit cigarette at him. “You know my Dad. He’d fucking kill himself if that got around town. Jesus, what do you care? You weren’t even around when it happened -”
I threw my coat at him. “No, but it might have come up in conversation recently in between the many times you had your dick inside me!”
Pardon my language, but I was furious.
“Faye!”
“I can’t fucking believe this.”
“What? What!? You want to know the fucking details? How my father almost fucking disowned me when I came home from the bank? How the neighbors called the cops because we were fighting in the fucking driveway, and he practically head-butt me? What do you need from me to make you happy right now, because you’re being irrational?”
I fought a tightness in my throat. Hearing him yell, hearing him describe an event that seemed so life changing, so intense - and he was right, I hadn’t been around. I’d been on the other side of the world, as far as he was concerned.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” I said, almost inaudibly.
“Baby, I didn’t tell anyone.”
I brushed my knuckle under my eye and laughed. “Yeah, well – I’m not ‘anyone’ now am I, Stell?”
His face fell, and we stood there, silent. Finally, I snatched my coat up from the floor and walked past him as he reached for me. I dodged him and ran up the stairs, blowing past Linda as I careened through the house.
My body was wound tight as I stepped out into the cold. I half expected Stellan to chase me, but as I hit Central Square, I didn’t hear footsteps behind me. I shuffled in the snow, barely watching for cars as I steamed home.
The streets had been plowed since I arrived at Stell’s, but the snow was quickly accumulating over the asphalt. I glanced back as I crossed the square and saw no blonde giant tailing me. It hurt that he didn’t follow.
I reached my porch and barreled through the door, not even bothering to kick off the snow I’d collected. I wanted to go inside, settle into some corner of the world and fade away. When I closed the door behind me, I found my mother standing behind the couch in her robe, sipping a cup of coffee and holding a plate of cheese and crackers. She looked surprised.
I couldn’t hold her gaze. She’d see right fucking through me.
Damn it Faye, run. Don’t let her see this. God, what the fuck is this?!
I failed. I dropped to my knees on the living room floor and curled over into myself, and I wailed.
My mother was on me, instantly. “Sweetheart. What’s wrong? What happened?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t answer this. I couldn’t explain.
“Is it Stellan, sweetie?”
I shook my head again, vehemently this time.
She settled onto the floor beside me, her arms tight around my shoulders as I shook against her. “Come on, sweetheart. Talk to me.”
I didn’t want to tell her, I didn’t want to admit it out loud, as though keeping it silent could make it untrue. She whispered that whatever it was, we would figure it out.
When I finally opened my mouth, the words came between hacking sobs, but they came nonetheless.
I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried. “I don’t want to go back, Mom. I hated it. I hate it! I felt so lonely all the time.” She squeezed me tighter and pressed her forehead to my hair. “I was alone all the time. I couldn’t even have a cat because I was never home!”
I curled up tighter and opened my mout
h, letting myself scream silently. “I won’t see Stellan, I won’t see you -”
She shooshed softly. “Then don’t go.”
I growled at the almost naïve simplicity of my mother’s response. “Like I have a fucking choice!”
“You always have a choice.”
“It’s this or continue being a fucking failure -”
She pulled away to look at me. “You’re not a failure!”
I frowned, looking around the room. “I’m pathetic, Mom. I’m a burden to you, to my friends -”
She shifted with purpose. “No you are not! You are the love of my life. I’d have you here the rest of my days if I could. Don’t you ever say that. You are not a burden.”
I felt muscles in my face pulling and twisting as misery tried to etch itself across my face. I was still trying to hide it from her. God, if she’d knew how sad I’d been – how sad I still was. My life was about to be perfect – great job, gorgeous man at my side.
I’d tried to pretend I didn’t know why my stomach still hurt all the time. I knew exactly why. My stomach hurt day and day out for ten fucking years. I knew exactly why I was so unhappy.
Her eyes were watery, but there was a serenity there that couldn’t be argued with. “You are not a burden to me, sweet girl.” She brushed my hair behind my ear, staring at my face. She’d always had a magic touch for moments like these. No wonder I’d tried to hide from it for so many months.
“I feel like one, Mom.”
She shook her head. “Never feel that way. Never. I’d rather you here and happy than somewhere far away and miserable.”
I took a deep, shuddering breath.
“I want you to be happy.”
I shut my eyes so tight, my head almost hurt. “Happy doesn’t pay bills, Mom.”
“Bull shit. You give it a try, then tell me that.”
I laughed, nearly dripping snot all over the floor as I did. “No one’s going to pay me to eat like a walrus and draw cartoons all day, but that might make me happy.”
She chuckled. “Why wouldn’t they? The cartoons part anyway.”
“It’s a pipe dream, Mom. Nobody makes a living drawing car -”
“Walt Disney. Isn’t that what you used to say?”
Catch My Fall Page 36