by Aria Sparke
Martin looked at me with a puzzled expression as I switched off the call. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Lily’s mother died.’
‘What? No way,’ Martin said in a stunned voice. ‘What happened to her?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Is there anything I can do?’
I shook my head.
‘It doesn’t make sense.’ Martin reached for his jacket lying on the end of the sofa. ‘Wasn’t she meant to be getting out of Piermont next week?’
‘I know. Something’s gone wrong.’
Martin met my gaze with a knowing look. ‘I’ll come with you.’
After I grabbed my keys, we hurried to the car outside the mansion before driving toward Lily’s house in Wicklow.
‘Do you think they had anything to do with this?’ said Martin quietly.
‘There’s a chance, but we’ll wait to hear what happened.’ I didn’t want to think about the possibilities right now. My only focus was Lily and getting her through the horror regardless of how her mother had died.
Martin slammed the car door with his fist. ‘Mongrels.’
‘You don’t know for sure.’
‘Pfff.’
‘This is shocking for Lily on top of what she has already suffered. How must she feel?’
Clenching his jaw, Martin stared ahead.
‘Would you text Mirela with the news, so she can let the others know?’ I gripped the steering wheel and gazed at the dark road ahead trying to keep my head clear.
As we pulled into Lily’s drive, I could see her standing in the doorway in the hall light, a slim silhouette in the dazzling light. I chucked the keys to Martin.
‘I’ll give you two some space,’ Martin said. ‘If you need me, just call.’
‘Thanks.’
When I reached the steps, I could see Lily shaking and her tear-streaked face. She was hugging her body as though afraid she might fall apart if she let go.
‘I’m so sorry, Lily.’ I gathered her and held her tight after she collapsed into my arms. ‘Come inside now,’ I said quietly, wanting to absorb her shock and grief to spare her pain. Gently, I guided her to the sofa and wrapped a quilt around her to subdue her trembling. I sat beside her and held her while she cried inconsolably. Over the years I had seen death and its aftermath many times before but never like this—so close and personal.
Eventually Lily spoke. ‘I don’t even know how she died.’ She sobbed. ‘I didn’t think to ask. It was such a shock. I don’t know if she suffered or wanted me to be with her. She died like my father—without her family.’
‘Don’t think about that now.’ I pressed her head to my shoulder and stroked her hair. ‘We just need to get you through the next days.’
‘How am I going to survive this?’
‘You will, I’ll make sure of it. I promise.’
‘But I’m all alone now,’ she said in a distant voice as though her spirit was leaving the world.
‘No ... never. You’ll always have me.’
* * *
CHAPTER 6
The Bitter Universe
They say life throws curve balls, but I couldn’t cope with too many more. The finals passed in a blur. Fronting up for each and every one of them, I don’t know how or why I did. Flynn, Anya and Martin almost carried me over the line, making sure I slept, ate, showered and dressed every day. My friends ferried me to the finals and coaxed me gently to the end. Flynn was a constant, watching and comforting, refusing to leave my side.
I can’t remember the exams, what the weather was like, what I wrote, whether the papers were hard or easy, what I wore or who was there. If rain fell or tornadoes blew, I can’t recall. During that week, I feared my waves of tears would never end and wondered how the examiners would read my tear-streaked writing. At night I cried some more and held myself tightly. As my essence ebbed from me, there was nothing I could do to stem the overwhelming and agonizing grief.
A week later, after finals were over, the Wicklow High welfare officer, Mrs. Allan invited me to her office. I was expecting her call, as I’d already been through the process with Dad’s death last year.
‘I’ll be coming to the funeral tomorrow, but if I don’t get the chance, I want you to know how sorry we are for your loss,’ Mrs. Allan said after I sat on the other side of her desk.
Blinking at this woman in her gray suit, I was certain the memory would stick forever. My hyper-vigilant brain focused on each detail separately, so that every part of her seemed to float in space—arms, eyeballs, legs and mouth—like an abstract painting. Desperately I tried to haul the body parts into a coherent whole, but couldn’t. The stiff jacket, with its buttons clinging tautly over her generous torso, the pink lipstick caught in her lip fissures and her honey-blond bun drifted in my mind space, refusing to be one.
When she spoke, I struggled to link the words ‘your loss’ with my mother and couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. It was all alien and remote and didn’t belong to me, so I turned off. As she talked earnestly, I drifted in the universe until she mentioned Cecilia. Shocked back into reality, I finally listened.
‘I was hoping to meet your aunt today,’ Mrs. Allan said with kind eyes and gentle words. Although she was trying desperately hard, I felt mad rebellion brewing. I needed to strain against something, to feel resistance or else go mad in the abyss.
‘Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Allan.’ My voice hung in a strange space, its tone and shape unrecognizable. ‘I don’t need your help.’ Angry and out of control, I sounded like a brittle bitch. ‘My aunt’s not coming and since I turn eighteen soon, it won’t be an issue.’
Mrs. Allan looked ready to pop with concern. ‘Your aunt couldn’t make the funeral?’
‘No, my aunt and mother weren’t close.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It happens.’ I didn’t care anymore because I was finished with Wicklow High and Mrs. Allan. ‘Do you need me for anything else?’ my nasty self asked sharply.
She shook her head and looked at me like I was a fragile, broken thing. ‘I’m so, so sorry, Lily. Life isn’t fair.’
Her eyes welled with tears, making me irrational and angry.
‘Please, if there’s anything you need, come and see me anytime. My door’s always open. I mean it, Lily.’
Her door was open. How would that help? Nothing would bring back my mother. Even though I was only weeks away from being an adult, I was officially an orphan. Five minutes of Mrs. Allan telling me she cared meant nothing. What I wanted was a slap in the face to wake me from this black, horrible nightmare. I needed someone to open my chest cavity and peel the skin from my body, so I could breathe and feel again. Although I knew she was a beautiful, caring woman who was sincere, I couldn’t relent, not for a breath. I couldn’t afford to let her sympathy in because I had to stay strong to survive. After leaving the office, I never set foot in Wicklow High again. Poor Mrs. Allan, she didn’t deserve my crazy wrath, but in those moments, in that particular place in the whole unholy, freaking universe, I couldn’t help it.
* * *
Although the day was gloomy and cold, I was uplifted by my friends, Flynn, Anya and Martin, who had quietly arranged the details of the funeral while I fell apart.
Do they tell you want it’s like in those final hours before your mother’s funeral? Do they tell you about the fear? The fear is everything. I had one hope—to get through to the other side.
The funeral was a small, gray affair. Straight-backed, Flynn stood by my side for my mother’s burial in the Wicklow graveyard. With everything exaggerated and excessive—the air, my thoughts, the world—it hurt. My eyes and ears telescoped and magnified the casket, flowers and the priest’s words. They overwhelmed and buried me far below the surface. But my mind scratched through the clods of earth and writhing worms, clung to the air above, clung to life.
I brought the bunch of fresh white lilies Flynn gave me that morning. I remember the feel of their firm stems, rigid and h
arsh, in contrast to the calm and softness of their white flowers. With sweaty hands, I clutched them so desperately they nearly cut my flesh. When it came time, I flung them on my mother’s coffin as the only sign of lightness and life in the somber gray of the cemetery. I held my tears back as long as I could because I knew once they started I would be unable to rein them in. Sure enough, they wouldn’t be denied. They flowed, an inevitable, bitter tide.
I thought of my parents being separated in death from one side of the continent to the other, facing different oceans, facing away from each other. The image tore me apart. Would they meet again in some beautiful afterlife? Even though I wasn’t religious, I hoped so. I clung to the idea as it was the only thought comforting me in the darkness.
Flynn’s unwavering presence and compassionate words carried me from the surreal backdrop of the cemetery like a bridge back to reality. Without him, I wouldn’t have survived.
When I returned home, I turned my dresser photo of them around because I couldn’t face seeing them and not being able to touch or talk to them. Instead, I wished uselessly they had given me a brother or sister—another human being connected by blood to share the black hole.
Unsurprisingly, Elise’s sister, Cecilia never showed up or answered my emails, so my anger and resentment of her grew and festered. Perhaps she had been a strange figment of Mom’s imagination although photos of her with my mother when they were pretty young girls proved her existence.
After the funeral, the college rejections came in a steady stream like another wave from hell. Mrs. Allan had told me to request special consideration from the examiners, but I didn’t. Losing the will to do anything for weeks, I floated in a sink hole of devastating grief. Flynn was my constant, checking that I ate, slept and breathed. Without him I would have withered and died.
Reality and life moved on, but the agony and memories lurked skin deep, ready to burst through at the slightest provocation. When my first birthday as an orphan rolled around, I decided my only choice was to look forward or go insane. It seemed strange to be turning eighteen without the usual birthday breakfast with my parents. Dad had died only weeks after I turned seventeen, so they’d both been there for the special dinner, presents, hugs, kisses—like every birthday I’d lived before. I’d been lucky to have led a life filled with these experiences and memories, but the day I turned eighteen, I craved a tiny reminder, a word or hug—anything. When Flynn, Anya and Martin skipped up my steps with a cake, singing and laughing, to me it meant the world.
Several weeks after the exams were over and my mother was buried, I was starting to emerge from the worst fog I’d ever endured. I had a long awful haul ahead but knew I had to meet tomorrow. Strangely, turning eighteen had a powerful steeling effect, like being plunged into ice water and knowing I had one choice, sink or swim. Despite facing these brutal thoughts, the future was in my hands and ultimately I had to and could face it alone.
After collecting the mail, I held up an envelope. ‘Another rejection,’ I said to Flynn, who was trying to fix my broken television. ‘This must be the last one.’
‘Why don’t you open it first?’ His tone was kind and encouraging as always. This week I’d had seven college rejections after bombing my final exams. To appease him, I opened the large yellow envelope and was stunned by the contents.
‘Anubis College wants me,’ I said quietly, almost afraid the paper would evaporate.
‘Huh?’
Unable to contain myself, I threw the papers into the air. ‘Anubis College are offering me a full scholarship—everything—tuition, food, textbooks. They want me! What’s wrong with them? Don’t they know I’m broken?’
‘Obviously not.’ Flynn embraced me with a worried look he was obviously trying to conceal. ‘I’m so happy for you. You absolutely deserve it.’
Relief and happiness flooded my senses. ‘Thank you.’ I kissed Flynn through tears of pure joy. We held each other until I felt I’d burst with blissful relief.
‘That’s perfect. I didn’t want to tell you until you’d heard one way or the other, but I’m going to be there too, along with Martin and Anya.’
‘You all got into Anubis? Why didn’t you tell me? That’s fantastic. Congratulations.’
‘We can be your family now.’
I wouldn’t be alone again. More joy.
‘I’m so proud of you, Lily. You’re stronger than anyone I know.’
Tomorrow loomed brightly. After studying hard at Anubis College and scoring good grades, I’d transfer to a medical school. Everything passes, good and bad. Fate would swing the other way and help me find a brilliant future. I had to believe it.
I smiled at Flynn and spoke against every negative vibe in the universe. ‘I’m strong and I’ll win.’
‘I know.’
* * *
CHAPTER 7
Anubis College
After Mom’s death and the news of my college acceptance, I was thrust into a jarring adult world where for a while I was treading water. After I packed and put everything into storage, I found an elderly couple happy to rent the house and look after the garden for the coming year. My plan was to put the extra income toward my future medical studies. The couple didn’t own a car, so I locked Mom’s car in the garage as I didn’t want to waste what rental money I earned running it. Once I got settled at college, I would try to find a part-time job and bring the car out of storage.
When Flynn, Martin and Anya came to collect me, I locked the door to the house, relieved to be leaving the bad memories behind. I crunched down the drive over dead leaves as I took one final look at the maples in our street clinging to the last of their plum and gold treasure. Even though the scene was breathtakingly beautiful, I prayed I’d never have to return to live in the house I had shared with my mother. Flynn helped me load my few meager belongings: two bags of clothes, shoes and toiletries and a cardboard carton. The box held new textbooks and Mom’s papers and photos, which I hadn’t had the courage to go through yet.
As we drove toward Anubis College, Anya read from a booklet we’d all received with our enrolment papers. I almost knew it by heart since poring over it the last few weeks.
‘Says here, an anonymous billionaire from Albania established the college with a bequest.’
‘I know, it’s weird,’ I said. ‘Why would anyone want to spend a load of money on a college in Wicklow?’ The billionaire sounded strange to my way of thinking.
The information booklet advised we were required to attend weekly dinners in formal dress. After reading that, I almost pulled my application because I wasn’t interested in formal dresses, high-heels or makeup. I wanted to be a doctor, not a fashion model. Before coming to Wicklow, I wore gym gear or jeans and dodged events like dances and formals where I was expected to dress up. But, when the scholarship offer came, I relented because it was a small price to pay. The next day I’d gone to the local second-hand shop and was surprised to find two dresses that fitted for a few dollars each. After stashing the dresses in my bag, I hadn’t thought about them again until today.
Martin smiled. ‘Some people leave everything to their cats, yet I suppose creating a college is slightly more useful.’ Unlike his twin, he was a soft-spoken, mysterious boy who proved to be nothing like my first impression of him. I don’t think Anya’s assessment of him being a womanizer was entirely true either. From what I could see on the surface he just enjoyed talking to girls and not being attached to anyone in particular. Even though he and Anya spent a lot of time together, I still couldn’t tell if they were close. For now, I’d keep watching them all and judge Flynn, Martin and Anya according to how they acted.
‘So what are you going to study?’ I asked.
‘No idea yet.’ Martin had a habit of looking away when he spoke as though he was shy or perhaps I made him uncomfortable.
‘Martin’s a history buff, aren’t you?’ Flynn said. ‘The arts program would suit you perfectly.’
Martin stared at the passing fields, w
hich were more heavily wooded as we approached the pine forests. He seemed miles away.
I wished he were brave enough to speak for himself. ‘Do you like to paint or write?’ I asked, imagining he was a creative soul.
Martin shrugged. ‘I guess.’
Guessed what, I wondered.
He turned and surveyed me with a serious expression. ‘Once I thought I’d like to be a serious artist. I immersed myself in books, paints and canvasses while devoting myself completely.’
I grinned, delighted to have cracked through his veneer. ‘And?’
He shrugged. ‘I realized passion wasn’t enough. Even if I spent many lifetimes, I wouldn’t achieve what I wanted.’ He turned and looked directly at me. ‘It wasn’t in my blood.’ His stare turned to a grin.
I laughed. ‘What? At eighteen, you do realize you’re allowed some time to learn?’
Without commenting, he turned his gaze back to the fleeting landscape.
Was he lazy or a perfectionist?
‘I’m locked into the science program with you and Flynn.’ Anya flipped through the brochure. ‘Thank goodness we’ll have each other for company because I’m really nervous about meeting new people.’
‘Did you read the legal section?’ I said. ‘Once we sign for the scholarship, we have to stay for the year or repay everything—even if we fail.’
‘Well that doesn’t affect Martin or me,’ Flynn said. ‘We didn’t get scholarships. We’re paying customers, so we’ll expect preferential treatment.’
A brief smile flickered across Martin’s lips.
‘Only the best,’ Flynn said and laughed.
I didn’t say anything because I’d assumed we’d all received the same offer, but then I remembered Anya saying Flynn and Martin were loaded. The boys didn’t speak much about their family, so I decided to investigate when I had the opportunity. There were still so many questions to be asked because Mom’s death had preoccupied nearly every waking moment. With a full year ahead of us, there was no rush to discover each other. I needed that time to be slow and steady while I recovered my balance.