I Can't Let Go

by Chenell Parker

  “She’s a female dog baby. She is a bitch,” Tino laughed.

  Kimora ignored him as she played with her dog for a while. She used an empty shelf in the kitchen closet where her cleaning supplies were to store all of Winter’s items. After about an hour, Winter laid on the kitchen floor and Kimora knew that she must have been tired.

  “Come on baby. Get in your cage and go to sleep. I have to get you a bed and pillow,” Kimora said as she put the dog in the cage and closed it. When she walked back into the living room, Tino was laid out on the sofa watching tv.

  “Where’s my gift?” he asked her.

  “I’m going get it right now,” Kimora replied as she grabbed all her gifts and went upstairs. She took a few minutes to put everything away before she went to her lingerie drawer to get what she had for Tino. She looked around for something to put it in but she couldn’t find anything. After searching for about fifteen minutes, Kimora found a box that one of Tino’s chains had come in. It was empty and perfect for what she needed. Once she had everything just the way she needed it, she smiled and was about to walk back downstairs. A loud booming sound made her stop in her tracks before she did.

  “The fuck!” Tino yelled.

  “Don’t move nigga. Try anything stupid and you’re dead,” a man said, making her heart plummet in her chest.

  “What do you want man?” Tino asked.

  “The money and dope nigga. Give it up,” the stern voice demanded.

  “Man, I don’t have no dope or money in here. Y’all got the wrong house,” Tino replied, right before there was a loud pop. Kimora’s hand shook nervously when she heard Tino yell out in pain. She was scared to death as she looked around for somewhere to hide. The closet was the first thing that came to mind but she quickly dismissed that idea. If someone was there to rob them, the closet was probably the first place they would look. The window was too high up for her to jump and she would definitely hurt herself if she did.

  “That was a warning shot. The next one is going in your head. Think it’s a game,” another voice said.

  “Oh shit,” Kimora panicked when she heard the steps creaking like someone was coming upstairs. The footsteps were getting louder and she felt stuck. Finally, after what seemed like forever, she finally ran and hid underneath the bed. She regretted that decision as soon as she made it. She was a sitting duck if anyone decided to look under there. Either that or a dead one if they found her.

  Tino was the first to enter the room and she saw that by the shoes he had on. Three other sets of feet walked in right behind him and Kimora was shaking in fear.

  “Give it up nigga,” one of the men demanded.

  “Where’s the safe?” another inquired.

  “I don’t have no safe in here,” Tino swore. He was telling the truth. He used to have one but he moved it when he and Kimora first moved in together.

  “Check in the closet,” one of the men said. Kimora was happy as hell that she talked herself out of hiding in there. She heard them walk into the closet, but she knew that was a waste. Tino had a lil something in there but he considered that their play money.

  “I found a few racks but I know this ain’t all of it,” the man who went into the closet emerged and said.

  “I’m done playing games with this nigga. Where’s the fucking safe?” one of the men yelled impatiently.

  “I don’t know what you heard but there is no safe,” Tino maintained.

  “Fuck it,” the man said before a series of shots were fired. Kimora covered her mouth as Tino fell to the floor. His eyes connected with hers briefly before they closed.

  “Man fuck! This shit went all wrong. We were supposed to rob him and kill his bitch!” one of the men yelled angrily.

  “The bitch ain’t even here. Her car is not out there. The fuck you wanna do, wait for her,” the other one barked. At that moment, Kimora was thankful that Miko had her car. She didn’t know why anyone would want to kill her. She had never done anything to anybody. Nothing that would warrant death.

  “We fucked up bruh. If that nigga people comes after us, we’re dead,” the man said, sounding panicked.

  “No witnesses dummy. Who’s gonna tell?” the other man questioned.

  Kimora paid close attention to their voices, but she didn’t recognize them. The two men argued back and forth until they finally decided that the robbery was a bust and left. The third man never even opened his mouth and that was weird. Although they appeared to have left, Kimora was still scared to move. She was sick to her stomach just thinking about Tino being dead. She was always told to never call the police for any reason and that was something else that had her scared. After hiding out for a while, Kimora decided that it was time for her to do something. She slowly slid from under the bed and rushed over to Tino’s bloody, bullet riddled body.

  “Baby! Oh God! Please don’t be dead,” Kimora cried as she kneeled down to check on him. Tino had a faint pulse but he wasn’t moving. Kimora spotted her phone on the dresser and she quickly picked it up and made a call.

  “What good sis?” Dirty asked when he picked up.

  “Dirty! I need help! Somebody shot Tino!” Kimora screamed and cried into the phone.

  “Fuck! Where you at Kimora? Is he breathing?” Dirty asked as he jumped up and grabbed his keys. Miko was asking questions but he just told her that they had to go.

  “His pulse is weak and he’s not moving. We’re at home. Hurry up Dirty. I’m scared,” Kimora cried.

  “Stay on the phone sis. I’m on my way,” Dirty promised.

  “Baby, please don’t die on me. I’ll lose my mind,” Kimora cried as she held his hand in hers. She thought she felt Tino trying to squeeze her hand, but he still wasn’t moving.

  Kimora really was losing it and she completely ignored whatever Dirty was on the phone saying. About ten minutes later, Dirty, Miko and Bryson came running into the house. Dirty and Bryson immediately picked Tino up and carried him outside to the truck. Miko held Kimora’s hand as they followed behind them. She noticed that their door was barely standing but Miko tried to fix it where it appeared to be closed. Dirty was driving erratically as he instructed Bryson on who to call. Kimora was a mess and she was sure that Val would be even worse. By the time they made it to the hospital, most of Tino’s family on his mother’s side were already there. As expected, Ced and one of her brothers were holding Val up. When they carried Tino out of the car, she let out a scream that pierced their ears and had them all shedding tears. Val went down to the ground, but her husband was right there to pick her up. He carried her inside right behind Dirty and Bryson. Thankfully, a team of doctors were waiting and they took Tino straight to the back. Ced sat Val in a chair and Kimora sat right next to her.

  “What happened Kimora?” Ced whispered as he kneeled down in front of her.

  “Aww baby, are you okay?” Val asked as she grabbed Kimora’s hand and held it tightly.

  “No, I’m scared,” Kimora said as she started crying again.

  “My baby is strong. He’s gonna pull through. I just know he is,” Val sniffled as she clutched her rosary beads tight in her hands. She was rocking back and forth while mumbling incoherently.

  “I know you’re scared baby, but I need you to talk to me. What happened?” Ced whispered again.

  Although she was afraid for Tino, she was afraid for herself too. After all, they were talking about killing her and she didn’t even know why. Kimora looked around nervously as she leaned in and told Ced everything that happened from the time they got home up until she called Dirty.

  “So, you didn’t see anybody?” Ced questioned.

  “No, but I’ll never forget their voices. They said that they were supposed to rob him and kill me. I’ve never done anything to anybody. Why would they want to kill me?” Kimora cried as Ced hugged her in comfort.

  He tried to warn his son but Tino was hardheaded. Kimora hadn’t done anything to anybody, but she was being targeted just because he loved her so much. Kill
ing Kimora was like killing him and that was probably the goal.

  “What happened Ced? Where is my nephew?” Corey asked as he, Ronald and Ramon came rushing into the room. Tino’s sisters and brothers were right behind him, along with a few of their other family members.

  “He’s in surgery right now but we haven’t heard anything yet,” Ced replied sadly. He was trying to be strong for his wife, but he was torn up inside. He prayed that his son pulled through. Val would never be the same if he didn’t.

  “Somebody gotta know something. My nephew is back there fighting for his life and everybody is being quiet about it,” Corey fumed as he paced the floor.

  “Chill out Unc. This ain’t the time,” Dirty said.

  “Nah, fuck that! You know what happened Kimora. Say something!” Corey barked.

  “Don’t yell at her. This is not her fault. She could have been back there fighting for her life tonight too. She’s already talked to my husband and that’s the only person who needs to know anything,” Val argued.

  “I’m sorry y’all. I’m just stressed the fuck out right now,” Corey apologized.

  “How do you think we feel? My son is back there fighting for his life. Now is not the time for all that extra shit,” Ced replied.

  Kimora sat there texting with Prince for a while. After a few minutes, she got up and went sat next to Miko. Her sister rubbed her back while she cried on her shoulder. Val was having another fit because they were taking too long to come out and talk to them.

  About an hour later, the waiting area was filled with Tino’s family on both sides. Kimora felt like she was suffocating, and she needed some fresh air. She had been doing a lot of thinking and she’d made a few decisions in the short time since everything happened. She got a text from Prince right as three doctors walked into the room. They had a somber look on their faces and Kimora just couldn’t bring herself to stay around and listen to what they had to say. The room was so crowded that no one ever saw when she walked away and headed for the exit. Before she walked out of the hospital, she heard Val screaming and her legs got weak. Thankfully, Prince was right there at the exit to catch her before she hit the ground.

  “What happened Kimora? What did they say?” Prince asked as she screamed and cried.

  “I don’t know. I have to get out of here. I’m scared Princeton. What if they come back to kill me? I don’t feel safe here anymore,” Kimora cried.

  “Nobody is gonna fuck with you Kimora. I got you, sis,” he promised.

  “No, you don’t. You weren’t there when it happened and you can’t always be there to protect me. I need to get away for a while. Take me away from here,” Kimora begged.

  “You can stay with me for as long as you want to,” Prince offered.

  “No, I want to get out of New Orleans. I need to get my clothes, but I’m scared to go home,” Kimora sniffled.

  “I got you sis. I’ll call my boys and we’ll go over there with you,” Prince said as they got into his car.

  Kimora zoned out as Princeton called a few of his friends. She had so many emotions running rampant inside her head and she didn’t know what to do. Her heart was telling her that she couldn’t live without Tino, but common sense told her that she had to try. Kimora said a silent prayer for God to spare his life because him dying would hurt her even more. Her phone was ringing like crazy, but she couldn’t bring herself to answer it. She didn’t want to receive any bad news. Her heart just couldn’t take it.

  “Come on sis. Get out,” Prince said as he gently touched her arm.

  Kimora didn’t even realize that they were parked in front of her house. The entire ride there was a blur. She looked up and saw three cars parked next to Prince’s and a few of his friends were piling out of them. Prince instructed a few of them to stay outside while he and a few others went inside with Kimora. They all had their guns drawn and Kimora felt a little secure. She had a gun too, but it did her no good when she really needed it. The gun was in her car and Miko still had it.

  “Oh my God,” Kimora said as she broke down and cried. The floor where Tino laid after he was shot was covered in blood. Kimora felt like she wanted to faint, but Prince was there to hold her up.

  “Come on sis. Pack some clothes and let’s go,” Prince replied.

  “I’m packing everything. I’m never coming back here again,” Kimora sniffled.

  “Where do you want to go?” Princeton asked.

  “Carmel,” Kimora replied.

  “Indiana!” Princeton yelled, prompting her to nod her head. Kimora and Miko had never gone to visit their parents in the two years since they moved away. Their mother and brother visited often, so they were okay with that. Their father refused to accompany her and that was even better. Al hated when it was time to go back and her mother seemed to hate it too.

  “Okay, Carmel it is,” Prince said as he started helping her pack.

  Kimora spotted the gift that she had for Tino and put it in her purse. Once she was done packing, Prince and his friends loaded everything in his truck while Kimora made sure that she wasn’t leaving anything behind. With tears falling from her eyes, she took off the engagement ring that Tino had given her and left it on the dresser. After grabbing Winter and her cage, Kimora left the house that she had called home for the past two years.

  Princeton was the best friend that a girl could have ever asked for. He didn’t even think twice as he drove her over twelve hours away to her parents’ house. They rented a room halfway through to get some rest and he held Kimora for hours until she cried herself to sleep. She still refused to answer her phone, so Miko started calling Princeton too. Once Kimora got settled in, she promised to call and let her sister know that she was okay. She had already told her mother and she was happy to have her visit. She didn’t know that Kimora’s visit would probably be longer than either of them thought.

  “A shes to ashes, dust to dust,” the pastor said, reciting something from his bible.

  Kimora clutched the single red rose in her hand as tears blinded her vision. She tuned out all the weeping around her and focused on the black and gold lacquer coffin that was in front of her. Although the casket was closed, she knew who was inside. She had seen his handsome face for an entire hour as she sat on the front row of the church. She had gone to bed and woke up next to him for two years. She loved him with every fiber of her being and she didn’t know how she was going to go on without him. Her only wish was that she could be lowered into the ground right along with him. She watched as everyone threw their roses on top of the casket, but she just couldn’t do it. Letting go of that rose meant that she was letting go of him and she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

  “Kimora, come on boo. It’s time for you to say goodbye,” Miko said as she touched her arm.

  “I can’t do it Miko. I just feel like I wanna die too. Why did he have to leave me?” Kimora cried.

  “I don’t know baby, but you have to say goodbye and start the healing process,” Miko replied.

  “No, I’m never saying goodbye. I’ll never heal from this,” Kimora sobbed.

  “Come on sis. I’ll go with you,” Dirty said as he helped her stand up. He was trying to force her towards the casket, but she wasn’t budging.

  “No! No! Please! Nooooo!” Kimora screamed.

  “Baby. Baby, wake up. You’re having another nightmare,” Hassan said as he gently shook her arm.

  “I’m up,” Kimora said as she sat up and wiped the sweat from her forehead.

  Her night shirt was drenched in sweat and her heart was beating rapidly. Just about every night for almost four years, she had been having the same dream. In every dream, she had attended the same funeral for a man who wasn’t even dead. Tino had been shot five times but God saw fit to keep him alive. Kimora now called Carmel, Indiana home and so much had changed over time. For one, Miko and Dirty had both gone to jail for drug possession and her sister was still locked up. She had another six or seven months to go and that would make an eve
n two years since she’d been in there. Kimora talked to her every single day and she made it her business to visit her every month. Dirty had been home for about eight months and he married Miko from jail a month after he was released.

  Kimora had her bachelor’s in paralegal studies, and she freelanced for a few different law firms. She worked from home and she made very good money doing so. Her first year in Carmel was rough and it took some time for her to adjust. She hated the food there and shopping was even worse. Kimora ordered everything online unless she was back in Louisiana to visit Miko. Her sister was in a prison that was a little over an hour away from New Orleans, so Kimora always rented a room close by when she went to visit. She missed New Orleans, but she didn’t feel comfortable being there. Prince had come to visit her several times and so did Autumn. Her cousin was always with her when she went to visit Miko too. Her sister made sure that they didn’t come at the same time as Dirty to make sure that they never ran into each other. Kimora felt bad as hell when her sister told her that Tino and Val had been looking for her. Miko always told them that she was okay but that wasn’t good enough. He wanted to see her, but Kimora knew that she couldn’t let that happen. If she had seen him, she would have been moving back to New Orleans, no questions asked. A lot of things had changed in her life as well. Not only had she started a new life, she had started a new relationship too.