I found it refreshing how this girl of sixteen or seventeen years could address me as if we were equals, with the words and gestures of an adult.
‘I took two days off work, and the big bandage came off after a week. It wasn’t a matter of life and death.’
I handed her the tea. She held the cup with the fingertips of both hands and warmed her face with the steam from the cup, as if it were the middle of winter.
‘You need to get something like a summer cardigan,’ I said.
‘Yes. I’m not used to this season yet.’
‘Well, you probably won’t need a raincoat, anyway.’
‘This is funny.’
‘What is?’
‘It’s like we’re in your home.’
‘My house isn’t this tidy. It’s not this big, either. There’s stuff all over the place. Once you actually live in a place, there’s no way you can keep it this neat.’
‘Are you sure you won’t get into trouble, saying that kind of thing?’
She sounded like a young girl when she said that.
‘I have to stay here for about another ten minutes. Then I have to put down the shutters, turn off the lights upstairs and down here, then lock up and we can go for something nice to eat.’
‘Are you hungry?’
‘Well, you look like you are.’
‘Why don’t we just stay here?’
‘The security guard will be coming round. My company might find out.’
‘I suppose they’d fire you if they found out you stayed the night with a high-schooler.’
She looked every bit like she was in high school. There had been one time when I’d seen a person I knew for the first time in a long time, and I’d felt like crying when I saw how much that person had aged. But at this moment in time, I knew I wasn’t witnessing the powerlessness of people against ageing. I was watching the futility of a person against the onslaught of youth.
‘Since when? I asked. ‘I mean, how long have you been the way you are now?’
‘This is the tenth day.’
I nodded. I had thought that I had managed to say it without any expression, but I could sense from Mutsuko’s voice that she was trying to comfort me.
‘It wasn’t that I was seeing anyone else or anything of that sort. It’s just that it’s not easy getting used to myself. When you’re this age there are a lot of obstacles to face when trying to live by yourself. You can’t even rent an apartment on your own.’
‘So what did you do about an apartment?
‘I rented it when I was in my twenties, so I’m okay for now. It’s so funny to hear myself say that. When I was in my twenties.’
‘Is there anything I can do for you?’
‘There is.’
‘What is it?’
‘I want to stay at a hotel and splurge on room service.’
‘Sure.’
I didn’t have that kind of money on me, but I would do whatever I had to.
‘I have money. But you can’t really do that kind of thing alone at this age.’
‘I know.’
‘So shall we go?’
‘Huh?’
‘Can we go to the hotel now?’
‘Right. Okay. Just as soon as I lock the place up.’
‘Can you stay the night?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then you should call home. Tell them you won’t be coming back tonight.’
‘I’ll do it later.’
‘Do it now.’
‘It’s not easy for me to say this, but I don’t want you to hear me talking to my wife.’
‘All right. I think that’s a good thing.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘That you have a life that doesn’t have anything to do with me. One that you don’t want to jeopardise. I’m not criticising you. I have a life like that too, and I don’t want you to intrude on it. I don’t even want to talk about it.’
‘I’ll go and close the shutters upstairs.’
‘I want to see what it’s like up there.’
We went up the stairs together and Mutsuko cried a little when she saw the child’s room. At first I thought it was because she was thinking of her own children. But that wasn’t the case. It was because the room was designed for a teenage girl. It had a pretty random layout and there was a Western doll sitting on a bed with pink covers, a mobile hanging from the ceiling and a reproduction of a Marie Laurencin painting on the wall. But for some reason it suddenly had Mutsuko in tears.
‘What’s the matter? I said, moving to open the windows so I could close the shutters.
‘Just my emotions,’ she said. I could tell she was trying to be blasé about it, but her voice was still tearful.
‘I guess they’re affected quite strongly by the physical. I sometimes react like a young girl. I was thinking how nice it would be if I could continue to live my life as I am, here in this room.’
I nodded, closed the shutters and windows, then went over to where she stood, near the bed with her head hanging low, and put a fatherly arm round her shoulders. And when I rubbed her back through my suit jacket that was so big on her, I could tell that she was also very thin.
I had given up all hope of forging a connection with my own child. But I really wished I could take this girl somewhere and raise her. I felt the warmth of her body. Then, contrary to those feelings, a heat began to well up around my crotch and I quickly moved away.
‘Which hotel do you want to stay at?’
Mutsuko named the hotel we had stayed in before.
With the name of that place came memories of our affair and the excitement of it all. But I was reluctant to speak of it to such a young girl. So I simply said, ‘Let’s go there, then.’ Of course, I knew she wasn’t a young girl inside and I knew my reluctance made no sense. But looking at this pure, untainted girl before my eyes, they were feelings I couldn’t suppress.
The rain began to fall harder by the time we caught a cab and occasionally there was lightning and thunder in the distance. Our room was on the thirty-second floor and it had a view of this endless city. I watched as the lightning cut a streak in the distance and I listened to the thunder that followed. As soon as we’d walked into the room, Mutsuko had glued herself to the window, saying, ‘I want to see an even bigger lightning strike.’ Watching her from behind, she looked like a teenager who had run away from home with nothing more than the clothes on her back. It was a thought that turned me on.
‘I think maybe we have a problem,’ I said, looking for the room-service menu.
‘What?’
‘It’s the way you’re getting excited about lightning. It makes me feel like you’re… a real girl.’
‘I am a real girl,’ she replied, turning round and looking at me with mischievous eyes. ‘Is there a part of me that you would say isn’t?’
‘A real girl wouldn’t talk like that.’
‘Really? How would she talk?’
‘Look, here’s the menu. Get whatever you want. It’ll be my treat.’
‘It’s okay.’
‘Even if it is okay, please let me at least get this.’
‘You saying that makes it hard to say—’
‘It’s all right. I can afford room service for one night.’
‘It’s not that. Like I said earlier, I’m not that hungry.’
‘You can pay if you want.’
‘Really, that has nothing to do with it. I’m being honest. I want to splurge, but I think my stomach has shrunk. I don’t think I ‘ll be able to eat much. I just want a little alcohol and a prawn cocktail.’
‘How about a Shalyapin steak?’
‘No thank you.’
‘Well, you can’t call it splurging if we only get one thing.’
‘Then how about the caviar and smoked salmon?’
‘This menu doesn’t have anything special on it.’
‘Yes, but just that would come to over 20,000 yen.’
I didn’t know much about wine, s
o I ordered a bottle of the most expensive white on the menu with two plates each of three dishes.
‘Have you ever read Demian?’ asked Mutsuko.
‘By Hermann Hesse?’
‘Yes.’
‘I have, but way back in my schooldays, I think. I hardly remember any of it now.’
‘Why don’t we try to remember it?’
‘Let’s do that. When I’m with you, I can do things that I couldn’t before.’
‘I wonder about that.’
After all, I was able to speak French.’
‘Yes, but your attempt at being a poster thief was quite miserable.’
‘That’s because I’d never done that kind of thing before. It can’t be helped if I’m awkward at something I do for the first time. I was thinking afterwards about how I used to practise kendo in school. I wasn’t good enough to enter the Tokyo tournament or anything. But at my prime, I was able to beat the guys in my team two out of three times. If I had taken a wooden sword with me instead of a pistol, the ability I had cultivated in the past might have come back to life. Who knows, I might have been even more impressive than then.’
‘So how is it coming along?’
‘How is what coming along?’
‘Demian.’
I put my wine glass down and composed myself, but I could only remember the words on the cover of the book and not a single line from the story itself. Perhaps I hadn’t read it after all.
‘I feel like I’d be able to remember Beneath the Wheel or Peter Camenzind.’
‘Different, aren’t I, now that I’m an “adolescent”?’ Mutsuko giggled. ‘Bringing up Demian.’
‘That’s true.’
‘Each human being represents a unique and valuable experiment on the part of nature.’
‘Is that from Demian?’
‘Yes.’ She continued, ‘Only once and never again. That is why every person’s story is worthy of every consideration.’
‘Of course, your story certainly deserves every consideration.’
‘That’s not what I’m alluding to. Of course, if I had more time, it wouldn’t be so bad to tell a lot of people about what happened to me and then die amidst all the commotion. But I don’t have that kind of time.’
When I looked into this girl’s thoughtful eyes, I knew that anything I could say would seem to be little more than lip service. As a result, I said nothing. I just gave a small nod instead.
‘God, or whatever it is that’s making me go through this experience, may be devoid of reason, goodwill, ill will, or any will at all. Whatever is doing this may be capricious, merciless, or kind. It may even just be toying with me, but I have both reason and will, so all I can do is use that to counter it in what small way I can.’
‘Is there anything I can do at all? If there is, just say the word and I’ll do it.’
Mutsuko smiled. ‘It’s okay. Don’t look at me like I’m on my deathbed. To be honest, I don’t feel like I’m going to die soon. Normally, when somebody dies of illness, their body deteriorates and they probably eventually come to accept it. But I’m becoming younger and younger. Healthier and stronger. My skin is unbelievably young and in my mind I know that if I keep going like this I’ll turn into a baby next, and it frightens me to think of the future. But at the same time, there’s a part of me that can’t take it seriously. I mean, look at me. I’m healthy from head to toe.’
Mutsuko stopped talking and put a prawn in her mouth with a thin fork. I couldn’t say anything. All I knew was that it helped when she was able to remain positive in some way.
‘I want words,’ said Mutsuko, out of the blue.
‘Words?’
‘Some kind of words. Encouraging words. Words that will help me come to terms with this incomprehensible destiny, words that will cheer me up, words that will make me laugh, words that will move me. Say anything. Say anything that comes to your mind.’
That’s when I realised that I didn’t possess any appropriate words. I thought that in order to comfort someone in Mutsuko’s situation, I needed words that touched the very core of something. But no such words came to mind. All I could recall were memories of trying to respond to people with funny, witty, or clever words. And when I thought about it, I realised I hadn’t even been doing that recently. I wondered what words Christ, Mohammed, or the Buddha would prepare for a girl like Mutsuko. They probably had just the right words, but as I’d never seriously studied any of their teachings, there was no way they would come to mind. There was probably a bible in the desk drawer of our hotel room, but I couldn’t look for it and read it here and now. Wasn’t there something, anything I could say? Words that could comfort Mutsuko and give her strength? I tried desperately to fumble through my memories, to mine them for the right words.
‘Is something the matter?’ she asked me.
‘Words. I’m trying to remember words.’
‘Are you crying?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘Then what kind of words?’
‘I’m still trying to think of something to say.’
‘That’s a lie. You had something in your mind. I want to hear it.’
Then at that moment, words came to mind.
‘There was this book by a young French critic called Bosch that came out when I was a student.’
‘Yes?’
‘He said, “I want to criticise the young authors that bear a grudge towards love and write pretentiously about how empty it is”.’
‘Criticise them how?’
‘He asked what they wanted to substitute it with.’
‘I see.’
‘That’s all. I don’t know what else I can say. All I can do is care for you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘You could say that this is nothing but sweet talk,’ I continued. ‘That I may not be able to really care for you the way you can yourself. Much of what I’m feeling now is probably sentimental and false. But I don’t want to keep picking at my feelings and thinking about myself all the time. Albert Camus said, “We don’t have the time to completely be ourselves. We only have the room to be happy.” I don’t know how he was feeling when he said that, but these words are perfect for us now. I don’t want to analyse myself and make an issue of whether my feelings are real or not. I just want to care for you. I want to concentrate on you like crazy.’
‘That makes me happy.’
‘Charles de Gaulle said to André Malraux… Never mind, it’s stupid.’
‘No, what did he say?’
‘It’s not the kind of thing to talk about while drinking good wine.’
‘There’s no reason why we should let the wine decide our conversation. I want to hear anything you have to say. What did de Gaulle say?’ said this young girl. It was so cute that it made my heart tremble.
‘He said, “In the end, only death wins.”‘
‘That sounds a little too obvious a point to make.’
‘Yes, but Malraux responded.’
‘And what did he say?’
‘“Is it not more important that death does not win instantly?”‘
I noticed that the rain had stopped. The lightning flashed faintly in the clouds that hung over the distant mountains.
‘He’s right. I have to think like that and make the most of what little time I have.’
I felt that I was shallow for not being able to respond to such a clear and deep thought. I remembered that Goethe had said to Charlotte von Stein, ‘My merits are increasing, but my virtues are decreasing.’ And I thought of how when I was younger, l might have been clumsier and more awkward than now, but instead I would have had something within me that could capture the heart of a girl like this. Here I was with a woman who was going through such terrible and unusual suffering and was struggling to face up to it and all I had done to help her was place caviar on crackers like an idiot and join her in washing it down with a little wine.
Mutsuko looked at me.
‘Poor thing,’ she sai
d.
‘Me?’
‘You’re reunited with your woman but she’s becoming nothing more than a child. That kind of misfortune doesn’t happen often.’
‘l don’t feel that way.’
‘Do you like me better now than when I was in my twenties?’
‘I like both.’
‘See, I told you.’
‘I’m not disappointed. In fact you may be at your most beautiful now. Did you have friends back then?’
‘What do you mean by back then?’
‘I mean, when you were this age. In the past.’
‘To give you a simple answer, I could say I had many. But strictly speaking, I had none.’
‘That’s what I would have guessed. Anyone would feel a little hesitant in front of a girl as beautiful as this.’
‘You don’t have to be hesitant. I’m a sixty-seven-year-old grandmother. I’m like a ghost now.’ And saying this, she stood up, surprisingly agile.
Then, nodding to my glass, she said, ‘Don’t spill it,’ and proceeded to sit down on my lap.
‘Am I heavy?’
‘Not at all.’
And she wasn’t at all. But her bottom was larger than I’d expected and I felt her body heat.
‘You’re just saying that,’ she said, casually leaning back on me until I almost choked on her hair.
‘Did you do this sort of thing with your father?’
‘Of course not. I only did this kind of thing until I was seven or eight.’
‘And now you’re already a woman.’
‘How does it feel, me sitting here now?’
‘Like I’ve become a giant. Normally, I’d…’
‘Normally?’
‘Never mind.’
‘What do you mean? Tell me how it feels normally? And with that, she ground her hips into my crotch.
‘Well, normally my thighs would start hurting before too long. Not that I’ve done this sort of thing for a long time.’
‘Neither have I,’ said Mutsuko. ‘In fact, I’ve never done this kind of thing.’
‘I’ll put down my glass. I can’t hold you properly like this.’
‘I’ll drink it for you.’
She tried to drink it all in one go. Unable to do so, she took a quick breath in between and accidentally spilled some from the corner of her mouth. I watched it trickle down her chin and onto her neck, then I licked it off her.
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