He’s fighting hard not to haul me into his lap while I’m sitting here absorbing and pulling back from doing just that and having Logan make it all go away. If I do, I feel like I’ll betray the woman I am — the one who refuses to let the fear of what’s to come control her anymore.
I can’t forgive him easily. No matter how much his words brings those three magic words I feel for him to the tip of my tongue.
My heart is aching and raw.
“It wasn’t your fault, Logan. The same as it wasn’t mine. You have to get past that. It happened, but you didn’t do it.”
“I know.”
I swallow — my insides aching as much as the words I’m about to say.
“I trusted you with so much, Logan. I want to forgive you. I don’t know if I can.”
Chapter 10
Logan
She’ll get over it. She needs more time. I don’t know how many times I told myself that on the drive back here. The thing is, I’ve wasted too much time by not coming forward in the first place, and I’ll be goddamned if I let her leave and lose more.
For years, blame has beaten me down. There were times where it gave me nowhere to hide, nowhere to go except to skid its way with a screeching halt into my mind.
It’s twisted my gut. Churned it so many times I’ve lost count. It’s a day-to-day reminder of how it’s colored my soul ugly, turned me into a man who has shut down all my other emotions just to enjoy the fact, that, at any given moment, it can return with a vengeance. To obliterate me and destroy me until I self-destruct.
I won’t stop blaming myself the same as Ellie will never forget what happened. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be happy or that I’ll let the people, who did her wrong get away with what they did.
I could play dirty and tell her Shadow will come for her. I could make her aware of Rocco’s contact. I could tell her all kinds of shit that would make her more frightened of Shadow than she is. All of it would be the truth, but until I know what the hell is going on, I’m keeping it to myself.
Ellie is my weakness; the woman who has cured my soul, the only one who can bring me to my knees and get my head spinning out of control.
Palm wide open, I lift my hand to the stubble covering my jaw, trying to decide what topic to start with first: Shadow or me and her.
I know what one I want to start with, but it would be wrong, and I won’t wrong Ellie again.
“Whether you trust me or not, you’re not alone anymore when it comes to Shadow, Ellie. I’m here, and I’m not going to let him get to you. You have five months, Ellie before he gets out, don’t let the fear consume the here and now.”
She wraps her arms around herself as if she’s trying to hold herself together and not fall apart. I should be holding her. She should be falling and leaning on me when she’s down and broken.
“What if something happens to you, Norah, or someone else?”
I shake my head. There she goes again worrying about someone else. That is the best part of her beautiful soul.
“That’s not going to happen, Ellie.” There’s no need to elaborate on security. She knows we have men keeping an eye on everyone she cares about.
Desire to touch urges me closer to her. I lean in until I’m practically covering her tight body, those eyes I want as close to mine as they can get so she can see the truth in mine. Testing, I slide my fingertips down the side of her face and cup her jaw.
Natural beauty.
Fuck, she’d make a beggar get on his hands and knees for just one taste. My chest squeezes tightly. Fists of pain are clenching me in its grasp. This woman is so beautiful that staring at her too long will suck the air from my lungs.
I should know, I’ve stared from afar and nearly collapsed from oxygen when she looked my way the night we met.
I want to kiss her. Consume her. Hold and shield.
I’m fighting not to tug her onto the floor and fuck the sense that we belong together in her. She isn’t resisting my touch, but uncertainty hangs in the depths of Ellie’s blue eyes, making me feel like I’ve been kicked in the teeth.
Yeah, she’s repulsed by my touch.
“You don’t know that, Logan. None of us know anything when it comes to him. Granted, I wouldn’t have known anything about him if you and I hadn’t met. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared, that I don’t have a right to worry. What if he has someone watching me too? All these things run through my head, Logan. I want to live without fear; I want to simply be a woman who laughs without a care in the world. I can do those things, but I will never have peace until Shadow is dead. I can’t talk about this anymore. I’m going home; please take your hand off of me.”
She shivers. Not sure if it’s from me touching her or thoughts of Shadow.
The idea of just being with her. Hearing her laugh. Watching her do everything or nothing sounds like paradise.
“No, you are staying here until we settle this.” The words snap out of me with more authority than I have over Ellie at the moment.
The hell she’s going anywhere until we come to some common ground.
Turmoil blows a fuse inside me from the haze of indecision I see in her eyes. She doesn’t trust me, and I get that. More than likely is confused and beat up inside, but the thought of her not wanting me to touch her is unacceptable.
It makes me insane. The tension of everything that’s happened is driving me out of my head and losing the only woman I have loved is out of the question. No doubt there’s a fight going on in that head of hers that she isn’t allowing me to see.
Fire and water.
“You don’t have any right to tell me what to do.”
The fuck I don’t.
“You’re mine. We belong together. You know it as well as I do.”
Her lips part and I half expect to get her smart mouth running, to get her angry, but all that comes out is a breathless gasp.
“I know what your motive is here, Logan. You’re trying to get me to cave, to sleep with you. Sex isn’t going to fix this. Don’t you have a business to run?” She looks up at the clock on the wall — the one she picked out with its vibrant colors on every hand.
I’d love nothing more than to see her knees spread wide, her pussy in my face, tongue lapping up all that sweetness. But she’s mistaken about my intentions.
“I don’t care about the club. I’ll sell the fucking place, burn it to the ground. It doesn’t mean shit to me, not anymore. Not since you, and…” I tilt her head, my lips a hairsbreadth away from taking those quivering lips. “If I wanted to get you under me, it would happen. Although I prefer you on top.”
The silence is enraging as Ellie’s shoulders tense. Swear all I can hear is the tick of that clock. It’s blaring in my ears.
“I don’t have the right, nor would I ever ask you to give up your club.”
She is so damn wrong with who has the right bullshit. She’s also playing smart by diverting the sexual frustration that’s hanging over our heads.
“You might not think you don’t, but you do. You have more power over me than you think. That’s how much I care about you. I would give up everything to have you by my side. The only thing that can tear apart the powerful connection between us is you.”
The need to touch more of her is driving me crazy. “You are a living, walking dream in the dark. You’ve woken me up, made me see what happiness is like. You are worth fighting for, worth killing a goddamn waste of breath to give us happy. You are everything I can’t put into words: everything, Ellie. Don’t lose faith in how strong you are. How strong we can be together. I fucked up. Don’t walk away from letting me make you happy. We can get through this. One day at a time, Ellie. One precious day at a time.”
When I grip her by the back of the neck, leaning in to touch her forehead with mine, she squeezes her eyes shut, presses her lips together, and her body goes taut and rigid. It pains the hell out of me she won’t look me in the eyes and confess how much she cares.
“I
have a business I care about, Logan. Having Norah run it is one thing, keeping Renita here when her sister needs her is another.”
And there she goes, slipping a little farther away from me. I’m not having it.
“Open your eyes, Ellie.” When she does, they are full of fatigue. She’s worn out. Damn near ready to collapse.
“Renita’s sister got here a few hours ago, Ellie.” Renita was pissed off when I called and told her there was a first-class ticket waiting at the airport in Nashville for her sister. I told her that it was done, so she needed to get over it and call her sister and tell her she had two hours to pack before a cab was showing to pick her up. I don’t give a shit. Family is family, and as far as I’m concerned, Renita is family. Same as Norah. Same as Ellie’s aunt.
“What? I spoke to her a while ago; she never mentioned Aunt Sandy was here. What did you do?”
“What I always do, take care of the people who mean something to me. Drop the subject.”
“Logan, as kind as it was, trying to get in my good graces isn’t going to work.”
Fuck, now she’s gone and pissed me off.
I’ve been soft-spoken, and I should be now. I’m not, my voice hardens, demanding her full attention because I want her angry. Anger trumps fear, and I’ll be damned if I let it tear us apart any longer. “Why would I do that when I’m under your skin already? When I’m in your blood and veins and heart, the same as you are in mine, you may as well get used to seeing a lot of me. It’s the way it’s going to be, whether you like it or not. You will not run away from what we have. I made a choice when I felt like it was the only one I had to make.”
Anger builds behind her tired eyes, and a bitter laugh breaks from her mouth, it’s quickly followed by a sob. It kills me seeing her like this. This wall of emotions built high, she has no clue what one to cling to.
I drop my hands and lean back.
“You want to talk about what the word everything means? How can you say I’m everything to you when you brought me here and fucked me when you knew everything about me, Logan? When you knew what Whitney did? When you knew you were married to her? Every second we were together that you kept Whitney from me was a lie. Millions of seconds, Logan. Well, I deserve seconds to get my head together. These past few days have been hell on me. I kept telling myself you were holding onto something you were afraid to tell me and then I’d see you with Lexi, I’d hear the kind words you’d say to me, and in the next breath, you’d take mine away with your sweet and dirty talk. You seduced me, made me fall for you when all along you were married to Whitney. I want to get past it; I need time after everything that’s happened. You owe me that, Logan. I said I want to go home.”
Dread.
It’s discomfort in my brain, an uncomfortable residue of it settling deeper with each breath I take. I want to jump right out of my skin and beat my ass for doing this to her.
“I’m sorry. I won’t lie to you again. That’s all I got, baby.” This is one of those moments in life where I know I fucked up so bad I have no way of fixing it. Not even if Shadow were standing here and I blew his brains out.
“How do I know you won’t? How do I know that some woman might come along and tempt you at work? Liars are cheaters, and cheaters are liars.”
Goddamn fucking Whitney going and putting that doubt in my woman’s mind builds my rage until I see red. She’s dead, and still here trying to wedge her way in between.
Ellie’s words slice through me. A knife piercing my flesh and slicing me in half. How the hell do I even answer that when she doesn’t trust me?
A giant clusterfuck.
That’s what this is. Too many things are rolling through Ellie’s head at once. No wonder she had a panic attack.
Ellie doesn’t have to worry about me touching another woman. It won’t happen. What worries me though are the ones waiting for the right opportunity to go after her.
“You told me once you wouldn’t give me a second chance if I hurt you. I’m asking for one now. I’m right here in front of you, asking you to free your mind of any doubt. When people fall, they take a chance, Ellie. You need to look into my soul and see that you are the woman for me. You need to look into yours and decide if I’m worth a second chance. You need to forgive me; you have to trust me. Hear what your heart is telling you to do and give me that chance. I won’t do you wrong. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t.”
Regardless of what I did, I need her to let me back in so I can show her how fucking sorry I am.
“If I could start us over; I would. Can hardly stomach thinking about how much I hurt you. I need you, Ellie. We need each other. My choice to pursue you was the best decision I’ve made. I won’t give you up. You are mine; I’m yours. I love you, Ellie. As messed up as what we have is, it’s ours. You don’t want to let go of it any more than I do. I have never been surer of anything in my life as I am of you and me. You told me minutes ago I was worthy of you. You make me believe I am, so here I am on my knees, believing I am worthy of you. Trusting you care enough about what we were building that you give me another chance.”
She flinches, and once again, I regret telling her I love her. It shouldn’t hurt because I deserve it, but it does. I don’t care how much it pains me; I’ll keep telling her until she believes it.
“Love doesn’t even come close to what I feel for you. There isn’t a word to describe it. There’s nothing stronger, purer than falling so deep that it’s the only thing in your life that you are sure of, and I am sure of us, Ellie. Sure that we can make it through anything.”
That connection between us pulls taut. Wish like hell it would slack and draw us close.
“Logan, listen to me. I didn’t say I was giving up on me and you. I said I need time. I need to rest my brain. It’s pulling me in every direction. You scare me, Logan. The road left traveled, it frightens me. I don’t know what Shadow has planned for me. He’s insane, but he isn’t dumb. If I had a breakdown because of you and Whitney, I don’t know what will happen to me if I see him. That’s part of what you don’t understand. What you will never understand. I fear him in a way I can’t explain.”
I wish I knew how to take it away and carry it for her.
If there’s ever been a time in my life where I needed patience, this was it. I have to let her go and hope like a motherfucker she doesn’t regret me.
“I don’t have an answer to Shadow. As for you and me, do you think I’m not scared? I’ve never fallen in love before, Ellie. I’ve lived a life full of hate, full of revenge. It’s not over yet, but we can get through it together.”
I wish she could handle me telling her I’ve been trying to find out what Shadow has planned.
“Please, just give me some time, Logan.”
Goddamnit, I feel that fork in the road. I’m being stabbed in the middle of my chest with it.
Shit. I have to give her the space she needs. There’s no other choice. What happens between Ellie and me is up to her, and all I can do is sit back and give her the space she needs.
I drop my gaze to her mouth. I need to taste her before I follow her home. I want to trace the lines of her lips with my tongue, draw them between mine and bite. I want to plummet my tongue down her throat and stroke the fright right out of her. Devour every inch of her.
Stake and claim.
Because God almighty the thought that she might never come back to me is something I can’t deal with.
A gasp breaks out of her mouth when I lean in and slide my hands under her thighs and draw her onto my lap. Can’t help myself when I grab the cheeks of her ass and squeeze.
God, her fucking ass undoes me. Handfuls of sweet, soft skin are just waiting for me to bite and sink into. I have a thing for her ass and her tits, her pussy — every part of her. I want to own and possess all of it. I press my cock against her. Her eyes are flaming with an overwhelming desire of want. The woman has no idea how badly I want to fuck her until I’m all she thinks about. Bury myself balls deep in her for
days.
“Logan.”
“I just want to kiss you goodbye.”
We stare at each other for the longest time, me taking in her gorgeous face, wondering why it took me this long to know she was my reason to do the opposite of what my fucked up mind was telling me to do. Ellie nailed the target dead center when she said things would have been so much different if I had.
Suddenly, what she told Whitney about having kids hits me upside the head. Never thought about having them before. With her, I’d have as many as she wanted.
I grip her firmly by the back of her head, hand fisting in her hair, and give in to my weakness. I kiss her madly. Tongue seizing her mouth. Want like never before cinching hold of my mind. There’s a part of me that knew. Fuck, I always knew if I ever had the chance with this woman, I’d fall.
My dick presses against my zipper when Ellie strokes my tongue and fucks my mouth as hungrily as I do hers. The kiss turns dark and needy. Desperation is overflowing my veins. I’m throbbing with need when she twines her fingers in my hair and tugs.
The woman is going to drive me insane with wanting her before I’m inside of her. Kill me with desire and worry while I wait her out.
Taking satisfaction in it, I remind her of what we have with every swipe of my tongue.
We can get through this; I know we can. What we have is unexplainable. It has been since the beginning.
Ellie made me believe in something I’d never thought I’d have.
The one thing money can’t buy.
Love.
I’ll be damned to Hell if I give it up.
Until then, I’ll stay away and do everything I can to find out what Shadow has planned.
Guess it’s time to make that trip to New York a little earlier than I’d planned.
Chapter 11
Ellie
The flecks of golden sunshine mingle with the few wispy clouds in the sky as I watch Lexi run into Lane’s arms. Nearly knocking the big man over with excitement.
There is something so intoxicating about being around Lexi. She bounces energy all around; squealing and laughing and saying the silliest things. Today, as her grin got full and eclectic, I couldn’t help but smile back. That’s how Lexi was, how she always is as if she’s bursting with sunshine.
Undone (Unbound Trilogy Book 2) Page 10