by Various
Zoe couldn’t help but notice how he spoke in the past tense, as if his life were over. And perhaps, in some strange way, it was. Max, she realised, didn’t seem like the walking wounded; he seemed like the walking dead. Everything about him was closed, shut off from life, from love.
Why? What had happened to him to make him so utterly remote, the bleakness in his eyes chilling and yet so unfathomable?
Or was she simply imagining it all, as a way to explain his own past brutal rejection of her?
And yet, Zoe knew, it was that bleak sense of loss that had first drawn her to Max, for she felt it in herself. Her life—the life she’d known—was over. No matter what happened, she could never be a Balfour—the kind of Balfour she’d been before—and that gave her a certain grief…a grief she felt Max, in some strange way, shared. Felt.
And yet when they were together—when they’d danced, when he’d held her in his arms—she hadn’t felt that grief. And she didn’t think he’d felt it either.
For some reason now, the thought didn’t give her hope. It made her sad.
‘Who is Diane?’ She had not meant to ask that question. She wanted to forget that Diane even existed, that Max had said another woman’s name while he held her in his arms, the taste of her still on his lips. Yet the memory of that one little word had tormented her all morning, a thousand pointless questions echoing emptily inside her as she watched the sun peek over the edge of the water and then flood the world with light.
Next to her Max tensed. She watched him drop the last few grains of sand and flatten his hand on the ground, spreading his fingers wide, as if he were bracing himself. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘You—you said her name,’ Zoe said quietly. She turned her head, unable to look at him. ‘You called me Diane last night,’ she elaborated, and tried to shrug as if it were all a bit amusing. ‘I couldn’t help but wonder.’
Max let out a sigh, whether of exasperation or some deeper, more painful emotion, Zoe couldn’t tell. Neither of them spoke for a long moment; the only sound was the shushing of the tide and the cry of the gulls. ‘She was a flight surgeon, one of my crewmates on the Hawkeye during the Gulf War.’
Zoe blinked. She hadn’t been expecting that. A socialite, an old lover even, at worst, a fiancée. But a crewmate? Yet then again, why not? Those two years must have been powerful and traumatic for him; why shouldn’t he carry the pain of those memories even now? She remembered how he’d cried in disbelief, ‘You’re all right?’ to her and she asked slowly, ‘Did she die when your plane went down?’
Max let out a ragged breath. ‘No. But sometimes I wish she did.’
Zoe blinked again. She wanted to ask what happened to make him say such a terrible thing, but she was afraid of the answer. She was afraid she might not have the strength to hear it, to know what demons Max was battling even now. To know what she was up against. She wasn’t strong enough, despite what her father—and Max—had said.
In any event, Max did not give her the chance. He rose from the ground in one fluid movement, reaching down a hand to help her up. Zoe took it, if only for the opportunity to touch him again. His hand was hard and strong as he pulled her to her feet and then let go.
‘Come on,’ he said and, surprising her once again, added, ‘Let me make you breakfast.’
Zoe followed him into the kitchen and perched on a stool at the black granite island, watching as Max moved around the kitchen with his careful, deliberate actions. He opened the fridge and took out a dozen eggs, glancing back at her. ‘I hope you like scrambled eggs?’ he asked wryly. ‘It’s one of the few things I know how to make.’
Zoe swallowed. She’d never been particularly fond of eggs, and the thought of eating one now made her queasy tummy take an unpleasant turn. Still, she was too touched by Max’s willingness to cook for her—to even spend time with her—that she found herself smiling and saying brightly, ‘Lovely.’
He got out a bowl, cracking six eggs into it one-handed and with a brisk efficiency Zoe couldn’t help but admire. She could make coffee and tea and occasionally a decent piece of toast, and that was it.
He looked up, arching an eyebrow. ‘Is coffee out? How about herbal tea?’
Zoe made a face. ‘Wretched. I’ll just have water.’ She slipped off the stool to fetch herself a glass. She stood by the fridge and sipped her water, watching Max move around the kitchen with that precise military deliberation. He reached for a frying pan and put it on the sleek new range, pausing only slightly before he lit the gas and poured the frothy eggs into the pan.
This was all so normal, Zoe thought with a pang. So comfortable and real. She felt as if she could exist forever this way, enjoying the sun pouring through the French doors, the warmth of the tableau they created, with breakfast sizzling busily on the stove and Max standing there, surprisingly relaxed, in a half-buttoned shirt and jeans that emphasised his narrow waist and trim hips, his long, powerful legs encased in denim.
Zoe’s belly turned over, tightening with desire as she remembered their kiss from last night. Max hadn’t mentioned it. Had he remembered? Did she dare ask?
‘I think the eggs are ready,’ Max said, prodding them with a spatula. Zoe gave him another bright smile.
‘Fabulous.’ And amazingly, she actually didn’t mind eating them; she liked it. Sitting at the table with Max in a pool of sunshine, she felt she could eat anything and enjoy it, for the moment was so pure, so perfect, so possible.
Max stretched his legs out and sipped his coffee while Zoe nursed her glass of water, wanting to make the moment last.
‘So how did you make your millions, then?’ she asked a bit pertly, and was gratified to see a flicker of a smile in return.
‘I’m brilliant, of course,’ he replied drily, and she let out a surprised laugh. ‘And I will confess to a bit of luck. I made the right investment at the right time.’
‘More than once, I should think.’
Max acknowledged her remark with a nod. ‘A few times.’
‘Do you like what you do?’ It was an impulsive question, and Zoe watched as Max gazed almost somberly into his coffee mug.
‘Yes,’ he said after a long moment. ‘I like it very much.’ He glanced up, his eyes narrowing slightly even though he smiled. ‘And what about you, Zoe? Do you like what you do?’
Zoe smiled ruefully, keeping her voice light. ‘You mean shopping and partying and spending my…my father’s money?’ She stumbled ever so slightly over the word.
‘If that’s what you do,’ Max said after a moment. His head was cocked to one side, his expression alert and yet also approachable.
She took a sip of water, suddenly self-conscious, unprepared for honesty. ‘It’s what I’ve always done,’ she finally said with a shrug, and even managed a little laugh. ‘I suppose I can’t imagine doing anything else.’
‘You suppose?’ Max repeated, one eyebrow arched. ‘Aren’t you sure?’
She looked up. ‘I thought you said last night I had plenty of time to figure out what I want to do with my life.’
‘A few questions could get you started,’ Max returned with the hint of a smile. ‘What did you want to be when you were a little girl? A ballerina?’
She laughed ruefully. ‘No, I’m afraid I’m way too clumsy for that.’
‘You weren’t clumsy when we danced,’ Max said quietly, and Zoe felt her heart contract as if a giant fist were squeezing it.
‘No, but we were barely moving,’ she said after a moment. ‘That’s about as much dancing as I can manage.’ She kept her voice light even though her whole body hummed with the memory of that dance, and swayed instinctively as if she could still hear the lonely wail of the saxophone.
‘Well, then,’ Max asked. ‘Did you want to be a rock star?’
Zoe rolled her glass, beaded with moisture, between her palms. ‘When I was little, I wanted to be a scientist actually.’
Max raised his brows. ‘A scientist? That’s not what most little girls dream of.�
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Zoe gave a reluctant little laugh. ‘No, it isn’t. But I loved science—I used to sit in my…my father’s study and read his encyclopedias.’ To her embarrassment, her throat was tight with an emotion she couldn’t even name. Somehow she made herself continue. ‘I loved the entries about exotic plants. I used to memorise facts to tell my sisters at the dinner table.’ She paused. ‘They thought I was making it up.’
‘Why would they think that?’ Max asked softly.
Zoe shrugged. ‘I’m not very bright. I barely scraped through my GCSEs, to tell you the truth. University was quite beyond me.’ She turned away, her cheeks flushing with the remembered shame, as well as the new humiliation of Max knowing. She didn’t like to admit she’d as good as failed out of school—and an exclusive boarding school at that! She still remembered her science teacher saying kindly, ‘Some girls aren’t meant for university, Zoe. You have other talents…’
And so she did. She was particularly talented at having a good time.
‘I’m sorry,’ Max said quietly. ‘It hurts to have a childhood dream taken away.’
He sounded as if he spoke from experience, and it made Zoe curious. ‘What about you? What did you want to be when you grew up?’
‘A soldier,’ Max said, and his voice sounded a bit flat. ‘Always a soldier.’
‘And you were as good as, in the air force.’
‘I discovered the beauty of flying when I was fourteen,’ Max admitted. A smile flickered across his face, lightening the moment. ‘My friend’s father took us out in his little biplane.’ His voice sounded faraway and wistful, lost in memory. ‘It was magical, soaring above the clouds, away from everything. I didn’t want to ever come down.’
Away from everything…What had Max been escaping? Zoe wondered. His description of flying reminded her of her own escape of choice, into the books in her father’s study. And then later, when her form of escape had been the endless social circuit. When you were so busy having a good time, you didn’t have to think. She’d hidden from her self—from her lack of self—for years.
The realisation shocked her. She knew she’d been running away ever since the news of her birth broke; she hadn’t realised until now that she’d been running long before that. Running from disappointment, from fear, from a sense of failure that she hadn’t seemed to turn out the way she’d wanted to. Meant to. That little girl who curled up in her father’s armchair and dreamed about discovering things…knowing things—Where had she gone? And, Zoe wondered sadly, could she get her back?
‘Flying sounds wonderful,’ she said quietly. ‘Do you think you’ll fly again?’
‘No.’ This was said with such matter-of-fact certainty that Zoe sat back, a little startled.
‘Never?’
‘No. Never.’ They both fell into silence, and then Max leant forward, a look of bleak determination on his face, harshening his features. Zoe’s breath dried in her throat. She knew instinctively that they were both poised on a new threshold, that Max was about to say something…tell her something. The knowledge of it crackled in the air and she felt a thrill of trepidation, a tremor of fear, at what he might say. The look on his face heralded nothing good. ‘Zoe…’
‘Yes?’ she whispered after a long moment when Max didn’t speak, even though his whole body was tense, as hers was, with expectation.
‘I need to tell you…’ He stopped, and a look of uncertainty passed over his face like a shadow before it was replaced by a grim determination. He reached for her hand, and they remained silent, sitting, joined by their fingers. Even as she drew comfort from his touch, a wave of dread was rolling through her.
‘Max…?’ Zoe whispered, and heard a wobble of uncertainty in her own voice. What was Max going to say? Zoe was suddenly startled by a shaft of fearful realisation that, whatever it was, it could change everything. And not in a way she wanted or was ready for. Without even considering what she was doing—or its consequences—she gave a light little laugh, the sound like the striking of crystal. ‘Max, you look positively grim. Surely it can’t be that bad?’ She smiled, tilting her head to one side, and for a moment Max looked as if he’d been struck, as if she’d somehow hurt him. And Zoe knew she had; she’d defused the tension of the moment because it had been too much for her, and kept Max from saying whatever terrible thing he’d been going to say.
A look of almost relief softened his features and darkened his eyes, and he shook his head. ‘No,’ he said quietly, rising from the table. ‘It’s nothing. Nothing at all.’
Zoe watched him walk away, regret swamping her. She was so weak, she thought savagely, and afraid. Her father was wrong; she wasn’t strong. As much as she sought Max’s confidences, wanted to know his heart, she also feared she wasn’t strong enough to bear up under yet another rejection.
‘I need to work,’ Max said, pausing by the doorway, and Zoe didn’t think she was imagining the bleak note in his voice.
‘Fine,’ she’d said as brightly as ever. ‘I’ll do the washing up since you made the breakfast.’
Max paused. ‘Thank you,’ he said finally, and walked stiffly from the kitchen.
Disconsolately Zoe gazed at the dirty plates and cups and wondered how, when only moments before she’d felt so wonderful, she now felt so utterly flat.
‘You want to what?’ Max’s fingers stilled on the handle of his telephone. He’d just been about to make a call; he did all his business by phone these days, using the radio and the voice-activated software on his computer to keep him up to date and fully functional. He dropped his hand and sat back in his chair, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head so he could see as much of Zoe as possible.
She stood in the doorway of his study, wearing something floaty and pink, her hair a blonde cloud around her face. He couldn’t tell much more, but even so his gut clenched with an unexpected spasm of desire and he remembered the taste and touch of her last night—how her lips had felt against his, so soft and sweetly pliant, her body curling naturally into his.
Max forced the memories away. Whatever had happened last night, this morning had tainted it, destroyed any sense of hope Max had been nurturing that he and Zoe could have something. Build something together. The way she’d shied away from even the possibility of truth had hammered home the realisation of who she was. Who he was.
‘I want to go into town.’ Her voice was light, bright and airy. ‘See a bit of this place. Or were you planning on keeping me shut up here while you beavered away in your study?’
‘We’ve been here one day,’ Max said, an edge to his voice. ‘I hardly think you’re shut up.’
He felt her shrug, heard the slide of fabric against skin. ‘Still, Max, if we’re going to get to know each other…’ She trailed off, whether in innuendo or uncertainty Max couldn’t say. ‘Find a way forward…’ she finished quietly, her voice sounding small.
Max looked away. Was there a way forward? He’d felt hope this morning, felt a freedom in knowing Zoe had seen him in his weakness and had not turned away. Yet still, they hadn’t spoken of that night—both of them were com-plicit in the lie, acting as if it hadn’t happened at all.
And it might as well have not happened, for the despair he felt now, as he squinted to see and wondered how on earth he could tell her the truth. The truth terrified him; what would it do to Zoe?
He’d tried to tell her this morning; he’d started to, at least. Then he’d seen her false smile, heard that crystalline laugh and knew in his gut she didn’t want to hear. She wasn’t ready. And why should she be? They didn’t know each other well enough to have their relationship—if they even had one—tested so severely. What could a woman like Zoe, a woman so clearly used to the finer, fun things in life, do with a man like him? She’d been determined to have him involved in their child’s life; would she want as much when she learned what he was and how little he was capable of?
She wouldn’t have a choice.
He would not allow her to deny him his child.
His own childhood had been stark and hard enough. He wanted more for his own son or daughter. He wanted to give more. And yet even so, he wondered how on earth they could find that way forward. The thought of attempting some half-life with a woman who could only pity him made both rage and hurt boil up inside him.
Never.
Max swallowed and forced his gaze back to Zoe. He heard a sigh, a tiny, breathy sound, one of impatience and perhaps even sorrow.
‘You want to go to town,’ he said slowly.
‘Yes.’
Max tapped a pen against the burnished wood surface of his desk. Scrambling eggs this morning had been hard enough. He’d acted on instinct, simple movements, yet so achingly, agonisingly difficult. His body had been taut, his nerves frayed by the unfamil-iarity of the tasks, the complexity of such simple procedures. He’d wanted to do something, to prove to Zoe and to himself that he was capable.
Of what? His mind mocked now. Making breakfast? And was that really going to impress Zoe, when the thought of walking through town, encountering all sorts of unexpected obstacles, people, things, terrified him? An uneven step, an open door? Who knew how he might reveal and humiliate himself?
‘Well?’ Zoe asked, and Max forced himself to smile.
‘All right,’ he said, rising from his desk. ‘We can go to town.’
The village of East Hampton was quaint in a wealthy, intentional way; Zoe couldn’t help but admire the trendy yet tasteful boutiques, the handcrafted wooden signs, the strategically placed coffee shops. Yet even so, as she walked along the pavement past shingled shops with their cloyingly quaint picket fences, tension reverberated through and radiated from her body. Since the limo had dropped them off in the centre of town, Max had been acting like a man being slowly and excruciatingly tortured.
He walked next to her, his posture stiff, every step a military march. His face was blank, his eyes dark, his jaw so tight Zoe wondered if it might snap.